The Tome of Grey

Work in Progress, Shows Promise

2012-01-03T01:03:00.002-05:00

Man.

It's been a good break. And I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to going back to Ft. Benning. It's not as though it's over-hard. Basic has been challenging, for sure, but never at a level that I have found myself incapable of completing the task at hand. But while there have been enjoyable moments (such as making Sharpshooter, by hitting 32 of 40 targets, on my first try), BCT is not what I could call enjoyable as a whole. I'm looking forward to the end of it. But there's only 21 days left, starting on the 5th. So down to bidness.

#324
PFC Johnson, Justin
D Co. 3-47 In 3rd Plt
Bld 3210
Ft. Benning, GA 31905

That's my mailing address for those of you who don't have it. It's still going to be a good address to write to until about the 13th-16th of January. It's only a short time, but I love getting letters. So write!

Second: I graduate from BCT on the 26th of January at Ft. Benning in Sand Hill. All of you. Come and see me walk around in my Army blue monkey suit! Crowd the bleachers with my people!

Christmas this year was, delightfully, low key. For me it was so great just to be home and see everyone, friends and family alike. And oh man. So much food. So much GOOD and TERRIBLE food. After months of Army nutritious food, getting a little Cheerwine and BBQ was divine. Army food was, surprisingly, tasty most of the time. It was a little plain, but healthy. And it's surprisingly easy to eat healthy at BCT, given the selections. But nothing fried. No pizza. Water forever, too much Powerade, and one glass of milk and OJ on any given day. So no Cheerwine.

It's interesting being who I am and how old I am being in BCT. It's a lot easier for me to just go along and play the game than it seems to be for the 18-20 year olds. But while I can just do what I'm told and say "Yes, Drill Sergeant," I don't really make a permanent change to Army (Hooah!) Mode. It's a switch I can flip (and did), but then I can come home and turn it off. There are some changes, internal discipline, stability, confidence, that are permanent, but most of it is just a hat I put on and take off. I didn't come home and roll my laundry (unless I was packing a bag, but I did that anyway), or make my bed with hospital corners. I don't wake up at 4AM every day and do PT (though I did do some). So there's good things being done in my general direction thanks to the Army and Basic Training. Mostly it's the 25lbs. I left back on the sandy PT field.

There's still some things I doubt I'll ever get used to. Like when I was waiting to go home. I was in line getting my boarding pass. And people came up and thanked me for my service, shook my hand. I get home and find my inbox is full, not the least of which was friends thanking me on Facebook on Veteran's Day. That choked me up just a bit.

Segue: the amount of support I have received from my friends and family has been...overwhelming. I mean, I never expected that I wouldn't get absolutely 100% support from everyone. But the way you have all gotten behind me on this, and the amount of thought and love. It's humbling and at the same time it fills me with strength, confidence. All the more reason for you all to be there on the 26th. You've all been there behind me this whole time, and I want you all to see me bring this to fruition.

I was able to ring in the New Year amongst good friends around a hookah. I had drink and food and fellowship. I'm looking forward to what 2012 will bring me. Graduate from BCT, go on to AIT, making some decent money along the way. Get in shape. Find work through my National Guard unit or go to school full time. Take SOME classes in either case. CRF 2012.

And tonight was just an excellent cap to it all. Thank you.

i know it ain't easy

Tuesday's Gone

2011-10-30T14:24:00.004-05:00

Zero hour approaches hard on my heels.

Yesterday was my last day at CRF for the season. It was an awesome day. If felt like someone turned on the "What are they gonna do, fire us?" sign, so thick were the jokes of...questionable content. Thanks, Lord Mayor. The weather was great (to my tastes, at least), the crowd wasn't overwhelming, the jousts were hilarious. Mandi and Sarah stuck out, with each of them playing their characters (Lady Luck and Lady Jillian, respectively) playing each other's character. So Lady Luck was dressed and acting as Lady Jillian and vice versa. This came to a head at the jousts, as each lady has a favorite knight, so each required themselves to cheer for the other's favorite. With pained expressions and forced enthusiasm. To people only there for that day, it was just two ladies being goofy (and awesomely so), but to the regulars and the cast, there were times it was hard to breath we were all laughing so hard. And that kind of levity carried over to the rest of the day.

The Royal Court this year is amazing. It reminds me of the court we had many years ago, but somehow better. We're a more cohesive group, we work well with and off of each other. The "core" I think is the trio of Mandi, Sarah, and Julie. Cin and Rick are certainly coming into their own, as well as our other new members. It's great to have Jeremy back as Bishop John Ringo, too. And Chris is really settling in as the King to Bettina's Queen. I cannot express how much I'm going to miss all of you guys. I hate I'm not going to be able to be with you guys for the rest of the season. But I'm looking forward to next season.

There's just not enough time to speak or write to all the people I want to before I ship out on Tuesday. For some there's just no words I can bring together ; letters started and deleted or thrown away or sitting, unsent. It's going to be a very trying time at Basic and AIT. I'll be able to write and (eventually) email/IM, but it's not the same and being able to attend a weekly game night or go to church with my friends and family. I will, at least, be able to go home for Christmas, but even then, there's a lot of people I don't imagine I'll get to see or speak with. There are a couple of cases where that leaves my heart heavy, but I imagine (hope, really) that I will be too busy (or tired more likely) to spend too much time in rumination.

I have no illusions that the next several weeks will be anything but extremely...challenging. You can spin it to more positive wording all you like, but Basic is going to open with me getting my ass handed to me, and hard. This is going to be grueling. I will persevere (it's kinda what I do), but I have accepted and come to terms with the fact that, at least for the first couple of weeks or so, my flabby weakness is going to be painfully obvious.

So write to me. Give me pages and pages to read. Keep me up to date with the day-to-day goings on back home. Send stamps. Lots of stamps. Pray for me(to what- or whomsoever you feel is best to send such an appeal to), sends positive thoughts, and/or think of me, so that I will get strong enough and tough enough not just to pass, but to excel. Because I will accept nothing less of myself in this endeavor but excellence. I want to come out of this in January as an Honors Graduate. I will have nothing less than a distinguished career in the Army, and I have to start from the very beginning.

Why do I set such high goals for myself? It is because of the inspiration provided by ALL those in my life who serve or have served. Chris, Justin, Harold, Kyle, Rayne, Phil, Shaun, Fox, Shane, Nathan, Ben, James. Two grandfathers, two step-grandfathers. Even (especially) one SPC Eckerd. I didn't set the bar, all of you did. Thank you.

I love you all. I'm going to miss all of you. Yes, even you. Especially you. I look forward to seeing some of you at Christmas. And I hope a whole mess of you will be able to see me graduate from Basic.

i am immortal, i have inside me blood of kings

The Gypsy Marie (rough draft)

2011-09-12T23:13:00.004-05:00

I knew my heart would ne'er be free
the day I met her, the Gypsy Marie.

Oh, her name haunts me, my days, my nights, my dreams
the enchanting Gypsy Marie.

Her laugh is full and genuine, true and hearty
the raucous Gypsy Marie.

Dancing and prancing and chancing with me
the whirlwind Gypsy Marie.

She touched my heart with unintentional glee
the accidental Gypsy Marie.

She flees from pursit, that love, claimed, cannot be
the elusive, effusive Gypsy Marie.

Still, I cannot forget those moments so sweet
with the beautiful Gypsy Marie.

Oh the nights spent under the stars and the trees
kissing the lovely Gypsy Marie.

Her kisses so hungry, shy, but bold secretly
the contradictory Gypsy Marie.

Her skin dark in the night, to mine so white, caressed so softly
the mysterious Gypsy Marie.

Her words and glances and touches for me,
the touching Gypsy Marie.

Such wonders with her have I seen
with the Gypsy Marie.

Such splendors and pleasures and ecstacies
hinted at by the Gypsy Marie.

Yet Romani she is, ever swept by the breeze
my wandress the Gypsy Marie.

So my heart aches in her absence, waiting to see
the return of my love, the Gypsy Marie.

I knew that my heart would ne'er again be free
the day I met her, the Gypsy Marie.

all your life you've never seen a woman taken by the wind

The Bad is Swift; the Good So Very Slow

2011-08-08T19:25:00.002-05:00

The weekend was average. And by average, I mean that, from my perspective, the good things and the underwhelming or disappointing things all evened out to naught. Today was equal parts, too, but that seems to be the order of the day. But the squabbles and frustrations are small. Sharing a bathroom, a friend's actions are entirely in character but just strike a nerve, these aren't really all that important. It's hard to remember that, despite my best efforts. It was good to go to church again, especially on a communion weekend. I got my transcripts, I picked them up today and got them scanned, moving forward.

Trying to clear up my credit report is...interesting. Creditors are very, very quick to report negatively. But good reporting takes, and I quote, "thirty to sixty days" which I think is really fair. Argh.

I tried to run today, but the combination of my general out-of-shapeness, near 100 degree heat, and oppressive humidity made even one mile of walking/running an absolutely awful experience. I had hoped to get at least two miles in, but that was a no-go. I managed some pool time. At least I ate healthy today, drinking a lot of water and keeping my carbs and calories down. Same weather tomorrow, but I'm going to try and get out at some point.

There are private struggles and frustrations that weigh on my mind and heart. Even writing here about it (what with no one really reading this blog and all) is difficult. Trying to explain the issue and remain generic enough to keep privacy is difficult. Relationships are often more difficult than they have to be or need to be. Fears, both general and specific, hobble us. These fears are understandable. The words run through my mind, the words I want to say, the poetics or the direct speech. Arguments swim and tumble back and forth. Sentences get typed, then deleted. Conversations almost get started, then vanish into the ether.

Am I confused? Frustrated? Yes.

But I am also...hopeful, in specific and at large. I'm not chased off so easily.

"And these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. And the greatest of these is Love."

The More Things Change

2011-08-04T20:38:00.002-05:00

Over the last few years I have learned to make about four or five plans for any large effort I am going to attempt. Why? The first one is going to fail before it gets off the runway. Every time. Without fail. Then the next few get shot down shortly after take off. I have learned to live on Plan Not-A.

So my original idea of directly enlisting to go to OCS, well, it flopped about like a fish on the deck of a ship and died before really even starting. So the plan became something else, involving a short AIT in an MOS that didn't require a security clearance. That, realistically, meant a much long delay on OCS, despite the reassuring words of recruiters involved. So I planned in a manner to minimize the hurt for a year long delay in getting into OCS.

And then, out of nowhere, I could get my transcripts after all. So I didn't go to MEPS today, like the previous plan. Why? Because I have to wait 48 hours (for some reason) to get my official transcripts. But. I was able to view my transcript online and it turns out that I have more credit hours than I thought. Not, y'know, a lot. Just the one more class. But that's enough to get me, for sure, into OCS.

Paperwork in. Maverick bound.

i am the very model of a modern major-general

Justin Joins the Service

2011-07-25T22:48:00.002-05:00

This is happening.

I've done all the looking and thinking I can. I've examined all my options. The job market isn't co-operating fast enough to make anything real happen. And I am f@#king tired of not having income, among other things. I am joining the Army National Guard. And, perhaps uncharacteristically, I'm going in to Infantry school. Why? The enlisted training is 14 weeks. Most of the other jobs I wanted to do have 6 months of training. But OCS is in the game plan, starting in January if things fall in place. So, right now, the plan is to be a 2nd Lieutenant after roughly 6 months of actual service. Not bad, right? After OCS, I'll have a lot more flexibility on where I end up. But a combat MOS? More badass than you were expecting, right?

Yeah.

The biggest downer for me in this ISN'T near six months straight of marching and saluting (though don't get me wrong, that's going to SUCK A LOT OF ASS.) but that I'm going to miss my first season at CRF since I started. Frown. But I'm fishing for addresses. And I imagine that I'll be writing a lot of letters. Hopefully a few letters to a lot of people. But I'll take a lot of letters to a few people. Hell, I want to get smoked for the amount of mail I get; that's how much I want to be getting.

This will be the single most challenging thing I have ever faced. This is something I should have done ten years ago. But I am doing this. For too long in my life, I have not really amounted to much, not lived up to what I could be, what I should be. I've been allowing myself to be held back, or held myself back (consciously or unconsciously). But at the end, I'll be far closer to the man I'm supposed to be than I have ever been.

I hope I will hear from a lot of you guys. It's going to a big change from what I'm used to. I'm going to miss all of you guys.

And some of you will see. You'll see what I can do. You have not seen me arrayed in splendor.

don't underestimate the things that i will do

Emotional Content Advisory

2011-07-23T22:12:00.002-05:00

It's not that bad, really.

But I did watch my cousin, Ashley get married today. It was a very sweet, poignant day, all told. I imagine it was even more so for Ashley and Zack. All the girls were gorgeous and all the boys were well-dressed and groomed.

I have to take an aside here. My grandfather, my dad's dad, was able to make it to the wedding. My papaw has Parkinson's disease. I've known he's had it for several years, and people have said how remarkable it is that he's doing so well. But it is still so very hard to see him, to witness the measure of the disease's work. As I have grown older, it has never been my own mortality that I have had to come to terms with, but the mortality of those around me. I was very young when my granddaddy Bob passed away. But it was only a few years ago when my granddaddy Jim died. I was an adult and I had known no world were he wasn't around. So I have one grandfather left to me, and I am to bear witness to a much slower, much crueler process than the more sudden losses I had seen before. He is doing remarkably well. But I could feel my dad and step-mom aching for someone to help them, my dad especially. When my grandparents divorced, dad moved with my papaw. I can't imagine how hard it is for my dad. Papaw was pretty lucid. He didn't recognize some of the cousins at first, but when reminded, he seemed to. But he's so frail. Helping him in and out of the pews and down the aisles, I could feel how very little of him there is anymore. It hurts.

But Papaw was there. The family was seated and the service went without a hitch. It was...well, it was a Lutheran wedding service, full pomp. Communion, acolytes, bible-bearer, candle-bearers. For someone like me it was nice to see, really. It was neat. I enjoy some of the ritual trappings of my faith. I don't think High Mass is needed at every service, but sometimes an event is better served with a little bit of the pomp and ritual.

The real moment I got a little verklempt was when Ashley's brother, Ben, was the one to present her. Ashley is a little miracle in our family and she's been through and come through so much. When she was very young, three or four, she was diagnosed with leukemia. But she came through it all, this little tiny thing (she's still short. 5'0.5" tall) going through chemotherapy and spinal taps. And in that same time of her life (I think after she was declared to be in remission) her dad died suddenly of a heart attack. Congenital defect. So it was her brother that walked her down the aisle. It still gets me a little teared up. I'm not prone to emotional outbursts or displays, but I still feel. It was a beautiful little moment.

The reception was, perhaps, unremarkable, but not in any kind of bad way. The food was simple, but good. Tea and pink lemonade, a good cake. Some fun music, no macarena. It's always an enjoyable time when you get all of the cousins together, and nearly all of us were there.

There's a lot up in the air in my world right now. Trying to figure out my enlistment is a bit of a whirlwind process. What job do I want to enlist in, will I be able to go into OCS immediately, or will I have to wait? Can I find a Real Job before I'd enlist, or will I end up missing a call for an interview because I'm in Basic? Will I have to miss Faire? In the midst of all that, today was a good day. It was simple, it was enjoyable. It was family and food and uncomplicated.

I haven't written in a while. Not because I didn't have anything to write about, but because it seems like whenever I write about something I'm hoping for, I jinx it. So I'll just post this. You can't jinx something that's already happened.

And I have Windor's Toccata from Symphony V stuck in my head.

Poem

2011-06-15T21:46:00.004-05:00

Untitled

My thoughts are haunted
I close my eyes
All I see is your face
The darkness of that night
My face
Buried in your neck
Never have I seen such
A wicked
Smile on your lips
You moan, you purr
Underneath the stars
You bit your lip
My God, my heart
Your kiss is so hungry
I love it, I want it
Your smile is so playful
I love, I need it
Your mouth opens
Your lips, your teeth, your tongue
They consume my finger
The words you whisper
I gasp and my blood rushes
Such a delicious secret
Such delightful knowledge

Never doubt for a moment
That I love you

And not just because
You're half-naked

Poem, 4-12-2010

2011-06-15T21:26:00.002-05:00

Time is Fleeting

All the wonders
and the splendors
of Eden before him;
All the beasts
and plants.
Lonely was Adam.
"All these things
great and small,
I give my thanks,
but I am alone.
Please, make for me
A companion."
God smiled.
Adam slept.
Thus Eve.

I'm not really sure what was going through my mind when I wrote that, but I was re-reading my little pocket journal and found the poem and thought I'd post it here on the intarweebs for all of my readers to see. Both of you. Heh.

They Say You Want a Resolution...

2011-01-19T17:26:00.002-05:00

There is a reason I have taken this long to post any resolutions. I've been looking over what I want to accomplish and what I have accomplished. I was looking at the resolutions I made last year and while I didn't accomplish as many as I'd have liked, I did complete(accomplish, accomplish, accomplish. accomplish) the majority of the list.

Old list: http://tomeofgrey.blogspot.com/2010/01/resolute.html

2011 - A List of Resolutions (with commentary)

Continue to improve my diet - it's a process. I slip sometimes, but it's better overall. More veggies and fruit, less fatty foods, processed grains, and empty calories. (Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants)

Exercise more, get in shape - I'm enlisting this year and I'm not as young as I used to be. So I have to compensate with better fitness. I keep saying this every year. This year I'm actually going to do it. (No, really. No. Really.)

Continue to improve wardrobe - I finally got some really good hats, this makes me happy. I hope to pick up a few nice vests and a good suit. The vests will all but force me to dress better to get enough use to warrant buying more clothing. (Every girl crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man)

Keep pushing forward with my education - I am facing frustrating delays with enlistment and transfers, but I must not and will not just give up on finishing the degree. The likely enlistment schedule is going to mean two semesters off instead of one, and that will delay my degree-getting, but I will still finish it. And I will continue to press for a PhD, but all of that is the future years. This year, this Spring semester, I am trying to improve my GPA as much as I can. (i can haz gud graedz?)

More art, creativity - I wrote many letters last year, and I will continue to do so this year. I need to draw more, if only just because I have some small talent and I need to keep using it. I have armies to assemble and paint. I will keep singing. (jackal. it's a jackal. is it a jackal? it's a jackal!)

Grow my Faith - I have been selected as the chairman of the Music & Worship committee at church. (responsibility?! hsssssssss!!!1) I need to take that role seriously and help the congregation of St. James within the context of that role. I will continue to sing in the choir (and louder, since my aunt[s], grandmother, cousin, and other fellow choir and church members note that I should)

A much less general list than last year, but also a lot tougher, given the parameters. But I'm awesome. It is ALL within the realm of things I can do. I just need to, well, resolve to do so.

by the power of greyskull...

It's a Mess

2011-01-11T22:06:00.002-05:00

Wow. Radio silence since Thanksgiving. Ok, let's catch up.

First off, in retrospect, 2010 went a LOT better than 2009. For any of a number of reasons.

The faire season was a lot better, barring one or two sour notes. I adore the new doublet and cape that Angel made for me and I got a lot of compliments on it. I've got a lot of ideas to make the coming season better, and plans for costumes and characters to visit upon other faires.

A down note, with 2011 consequences, is that my recruiter says that I cannot enlist until 6 months AFTER my probation ends on the 17th of this month. Which means that I cannot enlist this month or next as I had wanted. And that also means I need to find/keep employment and scrape up another semester of classes from RCCC's shrinking list of useful courses. And it kinda throws off the whole schedule I had worked up for college and graduation. Argh. But I can work around it, even if it delays some things. We are a long-lived people, my people.

The holidays were a bit of a cluster, I'm not gonna lie. We've had a lot of snow that didn't help. My brother and his wife deciding to spend a week or so in the Bahamas right after Christmas didn't help, heh. But it was a good Christmas, I think. Despite all the hectic and sudden schedule changes, there was familial harmony, as is usual for my family(s). The snow prevented the family from going to Bristol Christmas weekend, based on the idea of not wanting to get snowed in at my Grandmother's. (Praise Report: She was diagnosed with, treated for, and recently verified free of lung cancer. All in THIS year.) So I went to Greensboro to attend Tig's "Orphan's Christmas" which was a good time. Even when the power went out. (Did I mention the snow?) The food was excellent and the company was....eclectic? Heh.

New Year's did not go 100% as planned but I went over the the Fishers' place for fireworks, which is the standard NYE event. Alas, I did not have an adventure in NYC like some people I know, but I had a good time nonetheless.

This past weekend finally wrapped up Christmas with all of my family. But it didn't start that way. In the middle of last week, a loud vibration started making a lot of noise out of the rear of my car. I attempted to diagnose the issue using my (admittedly limited) knowledge of vehicle mechanics. The noise rose in pitch with the speed limit, and was unaffected by changes in gear, so that ruled out the transmission. I turned off all the interior electronics and fans, to eliminate the stereo, speakers, and fans. I checked all my fluids, just in case. No dice on improving the situation. But I had eliminated most possibilities and was left with the wheels or tires, most probably the right, rear section of the car. The next day I asked around to all my mechanically minded friends and family. There was a theory that the tire might be wearing unevenly, so Mike was kind enough to help me look things over with his floor jack, air-powered wrench, and delightful assortment of mechanic's tools. While we were looking at the tires, we changed the oil, woohoo. The tires checked out ok (if old), as did the rear brakes (again, if old) so we were left baffled. Randy had taken the car for a spin earlier the day before, and thought a bearing had started to wear. Bearings are not things you delay in fixing. So Friday he took the car with him to work to have it looked at.

Now. Let me explain something about this past weekend. I have never had so many invitations to social gatherings in any one weekend in my entire life. Two events (birthdays no less) on Friday. At least 4 gatherings on Saturday and 2-3 on Sunday. If we hadn't done sushi with John on Thursday, there'd have been one more in the mix. Now I had planned to visit as many of those gatherings as I could, with the plan of driving. Yeah. That plan got asploded. And I was, perhaps understandably, frustrated. But I didn't handle it as well as I might have and was a little short with the parental units.

So anyway. Transportation issues. All the frustrations with poor communication (in which I was an active participant) and Friday morning I had had enough. I said, essentially, "Fuck it. I'm hopping the next train to Raleigh." Which I did. And it was a good idea. I had my phone, but Raleigh and me don't get along when it comes to phone signal. I had my laptop, but I had no idea what the wi-fi availability would look like. So I was sorta reachable, but it seemed a lot more like dropping off the face for a little while. I got to Raleigh about 4pm, and Amaris and Andrea picked me up not too long after that. Cook-Out, cleaning, dressing and we were heading out to...well, I had no idea. I know food was in the plan, but I didn't know any of the other details, other than Amaris said it would be "RIDONK" and since this is a relative term for Ms. Hames, I was a touch apprehensive. And no reasonable human being could fault me. But it was her party, so whatevs. For her birthday/Christmas I had taken it upon myself to fill a horrible lack in her life. She had no hip flask for the subtle containment of alcohol. This was a travesty, now solved. And, being me, I gave no empty flask! But we were off into Raleigh. We stopped into a couple of art galleries, which were intriguing, but way too full of hipsters. But then again, Raleigh herself is FULL of hipsters. Eventually we gathered the gaggle we had collected and headed over to the Market Restaurant. The food was good (really) but the entrée had too much negative space in its artfully set plate. It was tasty, though. And they had a pumpkin cheesecake. Om nom. Dinner was a bit nuts, too, as there was a lot of us and we ended up taking up about a half the restaurant. It was small; we were many. Around 10:30 we finally finish the meal and then on to dancing (what the heck). At that point we dwindled from 20+ to five. And went...dancing.

Now, to say that dance clubs are not my usual scene is a bit of an understatement. I believe that the last time I stepped into a club that centered around a dance floor was in 2001. I couldn't even drink then. I was also less old and less broken.

But a few sips of scotch and a chugged down Jack and Coke later and my joints felt a little less stiff and I started to get into the music. Perhaps the most ironic part of the whole thing was that around 1:30am we were starting to wind down, but I was ready to keep going. Music puts me in a groove sometimes, gives me strength, life. I'm not an extrovert. I don't energize when surrounded by people. I'm usually drained when around a lot of people (especially people I don't know). Given that Amaris was the only person in this venture I knew well, and I was only acquainted with one or two others there that night (Dana, Beth), I ought to have been outright exhausted. But music, man. Get me lost in some music and I'll got for days.

Anyway, 2:00-2:30am and we're making our way back to cars. Part of my plan for the weekend was to make it to Hickory for a family gathering with my dad, that side of the family, and our "Mountain Cousins." The snow we have now as supposed to come this past weekend, so I find out on the train ride home that morning that the gathering was postponed/cancelled. Oh yeah, I finally fell asleep around 4am. Amaris picked me up around 6:20am. I was on the train at 6:50am. Did I mention that I was up at 7am on Friday? And I was up and (gasp) cheerful. Or at least not a monster. Why? I needed that trip. I got the heck out of dodge, broke out of the usual habits. Some of it may have been the company, too. But less than 24 hours, barely more than 12, and I felt a lot more relaxed about everything. Randy had called in the evening the night before to let me know that the Honda had been fixed. So I get back into Salisbury and hop in my car and drive up to Hickory. The big gathering might have been called off, but my brother and sister were still up there. We had an impromptu meal and Christmas there, caught a bit of some football and then just after dark started to set in, I say my goodbyes and thank yous.

I made my way down the hill back home with every intention to head down to Charlotte to a 12th Night party (12th Night of Christmas is January 6th, Three Kings' Day) where many of my rennie friends would be, but I got home, sat down, and was done. Not near enough sleep! So tired was I that I left my phone in the car! Which means no alarm. But I slept in and it was glorious.

And then came the snow. It was really pretty on Monday, but the roads are crap right now. A lot more ice in this storm than the snow we got for Christmas, and the back(ish)-roads that I live on aren't cleared. I'm hoping that they clear up soon. I'm eager to get back into classes and work. Honestly, I'm getting a touch of the cabin fever. But I've been doing a lot reading on my new nook(not capitalized on purpose). And getting a lot of use out of my new TV. Both Christmas presents. I just need to find some excuses to break out my awesome new fedora!

I'm looking forward to 2011. There's a lot of good things coming around the horizon. I'm hoping to make more personal health improvements. I'd like to make some stronger improvements than in years past, but I am improved. And improving. I'm approaching 30. I turn 29 in a few months. And I am going to be AWESOME by the time I hit 30.

bring. it. on.

Give Thanks

2010-11-25T11:53:00.000-05:00

And so begins the winter holiday season. And this year I have so very much for which to be thankful.

First and above all other I want to thank all my friends and family who have been there for me in the last 18 months or so. It's been an incredibly long and hard road to get to where I am now, to find the path to success that I have found. And I would not have been able to do so without all of you lifting me up and encouraging me in my struggle. Because of you, I have the strength I have now. Because of your support and encouragement, I can stand as well as I can.

Secondly and specifically, I am thankful for my mother and Randy. You have sacrificed (however great or small) to ensure that I have a place to live and call home, that my cats can stay with me and together. I know do not show my gratitude enough around the house, but I'm trying to be better at it. But I AM extremely grateful for you both.

I am thankful for the Renaissance Festival and all my rennie friends. This season was a damn sight better than last season, for many reasons. But I feel like I got to step out a little more this year. And I had a lot of fun. Thank you Russell, Steve, and Chandler for working your asses off and I look forward to working with you guys next season. And thank you, Bettina, for all the little bits this season. A score and seventeen times blessed.

I am thankful for St. James Lutheran church and her choir. I get a chance to sing and having a church to call home has helped me in a million tiny ways.

I have to thank Terri for pointing out the job opportunity. I have employment for the first time since March of '09. I could have been looking harder than I have (and probably SHOULD have) but for a time my financial aid was enough to cover what little expenses I had. But now that I have my license back, I am reminded that just driving a car is a significant enough expense.

Thank you, David Cook. Without your generosity, I wouldn't be ABLE to drive just yet. Having the ability to drive greatly extended my reach for things like employment.

And not least, I give my thanks to God. Without His grace in my life, I would not have such excellent friends, such loving family, and such timely luck as I have. I have had to go up against adversity, but not near as much as some. I have stumbled and fallen, but I have been made resilient (physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally) to resist and recover from such trials.

I love you all, and I thank you all.

veni, veni, emmanuel

October Entry

2010-10-28T22:25:00.002-05:00

Man. I want to write about so much stuff. But it's all diaphanous and wispy. I don't want to mention something in a tenuous state and risk altering it by calling attention to it. Damn you, Heisenberg!

Faire season is in full swing and going well. My new doublet is awesome, and I've had many compliments on it. Ill have some pics up once it's really finished. So, y'know, closing weekend. I kid. Angel has done an amazing job, and she has been very patient with me, and dedicated to making it fit right and look awesome. She's also done the new Guard tabards, which look fantastic. The only real downside I'm seeing is that the soles in my boots are SHOT. Even with two insoles, I'm still feeling everything I'm walking on. If I didn't have the inch of wooden heel, it wouldn't be so bad. But as it is, the balance is a little odd. And the leather sole has bulged out a bit (on top of wearing thin and falling apart) meaning that the boots are loose, making my foot slip around when I walk. More strain and stress as I adjust to the deficiency. Alas, I have to put up with it for now. But the new guards have jumped right in and despite a painful lack of practice, are doing a good job. The weather has been nice, if a bit warm. I'm looking forward to the cool temperatures this and the coming weekends.

I am ready, however, to have RCCC in my rear-view mirror. I have said this before. No doubt, I will say this again.

And now that I have my license back (HELLZ. YEAH.) I'm looking for some part-time work. For serious now that I don't have to worry about how I'm going to get there.

Also: I am so very happy to have my Aegis back. She's such a good car, and I have missed piloting her.

So many paths are laid out before me. And so many of those paths hold great and positive possibilities. The downside? It's hard to make a choice on which path to take. I guess I'll just have to feel out my favorites and see if any highlight themselves.

you may be right. i may be crazy

No Real Reason

2010-09-27T20:54:00.003-05:00

Yay, I tweaked some colors. I might have to tweak the margins before it's all said and done. Whoo. I mean, to be fair, I've had this template since (looks up the template in the editor) I started this blog in 2004. And I like it. But monitors are a little wider in their resolution in the last six years.

Edit: Tweaked the margins a little, as well as the font-size.

stand me up at the gates of hell but i won't back down

On Unexpected Outcomes

2010-09-23T20:41:00.002-05:00

As most of you know, I have a laundry list of issues revolving around a suspended driver's license. Today I went to court to clear up the penultimate charge, leaving me with only the charge in Guilford County between me and driving privileges.

If you ever get an itch to see what misdemeanor court looks like, don't scratch it.

Seriously.

Don't do it.

It's a long process. You'll be surrounded by people that will baffle and boggle you. I was the only defendant in a tie. The. Only. One. Most people had jeans and t-shirts on. In a courtroom. A. COURTROOM. WHAT THE HECK. And some of the attitudes that some of these people had blew my mind. Back-talking the judge, or refusing to speak in a voice above a mumble. I don't understand people. Or the girl who had three DUIs in the space of a few months. I get that a courthouse might not be the best place to see the best society has to offer, but not just the dregs get involved in things like the charges some of these people were up for. I'm not a dreg of society. I just didn't make very wise decisions for a few years. I shake my head.

But despite a very...stressful start to my morning and a three hour wait, I got my charge resolved. With a Prayer for Judgement Continued. For those not in the know, that's as close to a dismissal as you can get without, y'know, getting the case dismissed. Granted, if I get into any more legal trouble, I get slapped with the charge and following sentence. But if I stay clean? It's a lack of conviction. Awesome. I hadn't even considered a PJC as a possibility.

Here is where I need to talk up my lawyer, Mr. Todd Paris. He managed to get me in as a write in on the docket today. When the initial feeling I was given was an October or November court date. When we went up to the tables before the judge, he explained that I was working to resolve these old issues, how I was working up through them in order and the DA, without prompting or request, offered the Prayer for Judgement Continued. We were thinking it would end up being plead out to Failure to Notify DMV of an Address Change. Which is a non-moving violation and okay in my book. A PJC, though, is far better than I had hoped.

And despite RCCC grasping my check like a wizened old miser, I'll be able to hire an attorney in Guilford County and maybe get this all behind me very soon. At least, I hope so.

goodbye, ruby tuesday

Fall, Official

2010-09-21T22:40:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday to my brother, Jerod! How's that "responsible adult" thing going so far? Heh.

Classes plod along. I continue to be frustrated by the general tendency of Lowest Common Denominator found at RCCC. It's awful and elitist of me, I know. And there are bright students to be found. But they are not my intellectual peers. Mostly because most of the bright kids here are, well, kids. Sadly, that's mostly my fault. If I'd have stuck in school, I'd have had more people my own age that can keep up with me intellectually. But I do well enough. I never thought I'd miss the "halcyon" days of East Rowan High School. Feh. Old man is old.

My Eldar Army, it is built and painted. It looks pretty good! But I'm not sure what color or style I want to use for the bases. They're currently painted green, awaiting green flock. But I've been pondering a wasteland or snow/frostscape. I'll flip a coin or something later. John's getting a Tau army! Soon, I'll have an army to face up against! A new army! Eldar v. Tau. Squishy v. Squishy. Unless I want to break out spess mahreens v. Tau. Hammer v. Squishy!!!

I've finally gotten off my lazy ass and started exercising again. Man. I got out of shape bad. I was crazy heavy and sluggish. Gotta fix that. Once again I face the paradox of my left (read: NOT busted) leg being the one that cramps up on the tibial anterior, not my busted-to-hell right leg. It boggles the mind! But it feels good to get out there. I hope I have enough money in my financial aid refund to rejoin the YMCA or another gym with a better price. But the Y is closer. We shall see. I'll be exercising no matter what, but the elliptical machine is easier on my knee.

And good things coming next week. Although I want to punch the anthropomorphic representation of RCCC in the face until dollar coins pop out of its nose. Holding my financial aid ransom until next week! When they will MAIL it!!! ARGH!!!

boy, you're gonna carry that weight

Summer? Where?

2010-09-02T20:19:00.003-05:00

Holy crap. It's September. What. The heck. Well, one more semester, and it's a busy one. And it's almost done with the summer, though in practice, my summer is done. And I'm trying an affectation of wardrobe. Because I'm getting old. At home, t-shirts are fine, but I noticed in one of my classes last week that I felt...kinda like I was running around in undies by being in class in just shorts and a t-shirt. So I'm making an effort to use my button-up shirts and polo shirts if I'm going to be going out. Relaxing or doing any work at home, or on weekends, t-shirts are still fine to use. I have some awesome, geeky t-shirts! But my public image is one I'm trying to adultify a bit. I'm still running around untucked these days, but I blame the heat. And my gut. Ha. Most of my polos are just a smidge short for my torso, but I'm shifting from youth-casual to adult-casual.

I like the Art of Manliness and a lot of what it advises (I have a straight razor. It is awesome.), but shirt and tie every day? Yeah. No. I've never been a fan of ties (little nooses!). And if my plan stays on track, I'll be in a suit and tie most days a week anyway (Funeral Honors teams wear dress blues and Class A greens. That's a suit and tie. And hat. All of which have to look immaculate. Argh.) So I'm enjoying the freedom to look a little like a slacker while I still can. Besides, jeans, boots, and an untucked button-up shirt is a good look on me.

In less adult news, my Eldar are just about done. I have one last squad to paint and all the minis I have will be done. And they look pretty good! Not 'Eavy Metal team good, but a lot better than a lot of miniatures I've seen in the last 10 years. My technique has improved a whole lot. And as soon as these space elves are finished, I've got to finish up the changes I've made to my Dark Angels following my acquisition of their latest codex. And I'm already planning other, future armies. I really want the Dark Eldar to get a new codex and figs. They've been using the same models and rules since 1998! But I need to get some playing time in with the armies I have first. Heh.

Also: When will the Final Fantasy XIV Open Beta be back up! DO WANT!!!

summer, summer, summer-time!

Whoa, hey. Where was I?

2010-07-03T13:36:00.002-05:00

Dangit. I was almost doing good about regular updates. Ah well, no time like the present.

I went to my first Con last week and had a blast! It was Origins Game Fair on Columbus, Ohio. Columbus? Yes. Columbus. In the far off north where they have neither Cheerwine nor free refills. It was a barbaric place, truly. But the Con was awesome. Geek Chic was there with their AMAZING assortment of gaming furniture. I'd never seen their wares up close. It's one thing to imagine it, it's another to actually sit down at one and run your hands over the finished wood. Oh, how we wants it, precious. I didn't get to see as much of the con as I would have liked, but I was working. It was a trade-off, but not a poor one. I got to meet some really cool people. Without trying, even, I got to know a few nice girls. It's been a really long time since anyone, much less random, if cute, stranger girl commented on and played with my hair. It's an off-switch for me. Ha. Aside from that, I spent many an hour at the Beer Haus in the Convention Center talking about all manner of things with the guys and gals I met there. I have been bit by the Con bug. I must attend more. Must!

I heard back from NCSU (finally) yesterday. And not in a positive. They evaluated my application without my AP credits. Something's up there. And my GPA wasn't what it should have been, either. I guess they were counting non-transferring credits, which makes even less sense. I'm going to call them up bright and early Tuesday, see what's what. If need be, I can scrape up another semester of credits from RCCC, but it's going to be a stretch to get full-time. And I'd rather not do that if I can help it. We'll see.

I'll also be hearing back from a lawyer on Tuesday. I called the DMV this past week and according to them, I need to take care of a thing in Guilford County, pay my restoration fee and boom, I'm driving again. Driving, man. God-willing, it will be a straight-forward issue. Expensive, I can deal with, somehow. Being able to drive will make it a lot easier to get a job/school/life. Way easier. And I have missed my car!

My summer coursework plods along as it will. It's a little bit of a struggle to stay on top of the work, but the more I do now, the less I have to do later. Who knows, maybe I'll bump forward my enlistment plan to this winter instead of the summer upcoming. We'll have to see.

It also seems like this is the year for breakups. Or at least a season for it. Wes and Jenny, Tig and Whatshisface. Mr. and Ms. Cook, friends of the family. I've been helping him out around his place getting some things packed up. I wish I had more to say to him, but I just have my actions. God nudged me to help him, so I am. Even if I can't find the words, I know just my being there has helped. While I wish there was more I could do, I'll do what I can.

Besides, everyone else is just following a trend. I was going through awful break ups before it was cool. So nyeh. ;)

I think I can afford a YMCA membership, again. Hmm....

the rising of the milky way

Still a More Glorious Dawn Awaits...

2010-06-06T14:15:00.002-05:00

It's been an educational year. Most of which I've gone into. But I'm a couple of weeks into the summer semester. I'm taking three classes to clear out some more of the general education requirements. And while I miss the interactions offered by a physical classroom setting, the online classes offer a lot of freedom to work ahead. And I like being able to do classwork whenever I want.

I had another good weekend (and change) in Raleigh. Got Amaris and Nicole moved out and in with relative easy and lack of headache. But that was what I was going for. Strong like ox, smart like cart. Moving is much more enjoyable when you turn your brain off. I had a couple of moments, though, that further emphasized the fact that Raleigh is really where I ought to be. Not everything there is comfortable. And that's something I need, I think. It's too easy to be complacent in the comfortable (and bad) habits I developed here in Salisbury. This is not the fault of where I grew up, far from it. But this room, this place carries the shades of my past mistakes.

I'm still not 100% sure how I feel about Vintage21. It's the church Jerod and Daniela attend, along with several new friends I've made. It's a very...contemporary service. Some things I like, some things I don't. But God doesn't fail to speak to me, regardless. Every time I've gone there's been one song that spoke to my current mindset, stirred me. I don't raise my hands to heaven in praise very often. And yet...

I miss stained glass. I miss the feeling of Sanctuary that I feel in old churches. Some of those old chapels are painted with the flavor and security of decades and generations of praise and devotion to God. That's something Vintage hasn't had the chance to develop. But perhaps I've spent too much time in that safety. I think there are things I can do there to help bring that feeling to generations to come. Even if they are very much Baptist flavored. I'm kidding! Christians are Christians, denominations are just different flavors of the same body of Christ.

I had more than one "Ah-ha. So that's what's going on." moments while I was up there. Rarely are such moments pleasant, but they always teach. Hints, observations, intimations primarily. I've had no chance to verify, but ultimately, I don't need to. Normally, I hate not knowing for sure. I'd rather face pain for the surety of knowledge than live in a sort of Schrodinger's social situation, being and not being what it appears to be, both at the same time.

But this time, I'm stepping back from the situation. It's not my usual preference or tactic. I'd much rather, these days, confront the situation, face it. Too much energy was wasted in the past few years in avoiding confrontations. But I'm trying to relearn patience. Patience with others, sure, but more importantly, patience with myself. I know that I have the potential for great patience and understanding, but not always when I'm waiting for something to start. There are some things I don't comprehend why I have to wait in many circumstances. I am advised to wait, yes, but no one can provide any real logical reasons. It's something I struggle with. I can understand how the martyrs in Revelations feel when they are told "It is not your time." I want it to be my time.

I want to do so much more self-improvement this summer. I'm looking forward to the fall, especially the next season of CRF. I keep saying that this year or that year will be my breakout season. This one likely won't be "break out" but it'll be vastly different from last year. I'm far stronger than I was before.

Another "Ah-ha." was related to how much I eat. My hosts eat a lot less than I do. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Steve, Jerod, Daniela, these are smaller people. I imagine with enough time, I could eventually get used to the, for me, drastically reduced caloric intake. But I did feel hungry much of my trip. However, it did make me re-examine how much I eat when I'm at home. I eat waaaaay too much. Not that I didn't know my tendency to overeat, but the comparison was a little stark. The range of comparison went from just a smidge shy of enough in Raleigh to almost twice what I need here. So I've been consciously shifting the amount I eat. And plugging as much leafy/fresh veggies and such in my diet as I can. I was told it looked like I was losing weight last night at a friend's party. I can really only attribute that to eating as little as I did while I was out of town. I need to keep up that trend.

I wish I knew some of what lay ahead of me. I know that God has good things planned for me in Raleigh. What those good things will turn out to be, I don't know. In some ways I don't want to know, at least not entirely. But some of the general ideas would be nice. I like to be prepared. That Boy Scout training doesn't die easy. I try not to think too much. Jonah thought too much. He knew the dangers that lay ahead for him. He was afraid. The potential to be called to martyrdom exists for any of us who follow Christ. And that's a scary fucking thought. It's not that I think I wouldn't be able to face it. I have strength. I have it because God gave it to me. But, seriously, who wants to be a martyr? Who wants to face that trial? Fanatics, zealots, madmen. I digress, though. I don't believe for a second that's what's ahead of me in Raleigh. But it's a measure of how much too much I think. My God given intellect is often at odds with Faith. My mind, curious, powerful, analyzing, logical, and creative as it can be is hard to quiet in the face of the unknown. I want to learn, discover, analyze and break down the unknown until it is known. But data is withheld. So I must await whatever will come.

So I try to find peace in the emptiness of the unknown. There's a lot of quiet in the lack of data. I will try to find the means of making the uncomfortable my own. It is a skin that is a size too small. I must shed the excesses of myself to fit it.

It should be an interesting summer.

not a sunrise, but a galaxy-rise

Ironic Posting is Ironic.

2010-05-11T01:55:00.002-05:00

It's ironic because this will be the 411th post on this blog and it's inspired by communication and information. Oh, my life is so deep.

This won't be long. It's 3AM and I have a Spanish exam in eight hours. It shouldn't amaze me as much as it does that my spirit, my mood is lifted so much just from hearing from a friend or loved one that I haven't talked to in a while. It's not like this is a new phenomenon for me. But I always manage to forget. At least this way it's always a pleasant surprise when it happens, yes?

My baby sister (I shouldn't think of her that way anymore, but bear with this old[ish] man for a bit) graduated from UNC-Chapel Hill this weekend. John Grisham gave the commencement address and did a right good job of it. Chase and I came to Raleigh the day before (Saturday), caught Iron Man 2 with Jerod (it was wicked awesome) and then grilled some very tasty burgers. Every time I come up/out/east, it gets a little harder to come back to Salisbury. I love my hometown, but there's a lot of potential for a lot of awesome in [Insert Local Colloquialism for Raleigh here]. To conclude, I'm very proud of my sister. Go, Jenna, go!

Exams are almost done. You have no idea how much this pleases me. But of course, Spanish would be hanging around to be the last to leave. Like that annoying party guest you don't remember inviting that tries to hijack the event and then lingers around trying to corner you about one thing or another. Oh well.

My iPod is borked but good. This is an irritant. I don't have portable music. Further evidence of a need for income. But I've been putting applications out there. My fingers are crossed.

I think I'm supposed to be angry and venty about something else, right? Hmm. Nah. My ADD kicked in. I'm bored with angry. I think I'll just go read some Dresden files instead of studying.

Screw the snippet. Just listen to this song.

Is It Over Yet?

2010-05-03T14:26:00.003-05:00

So it turns out that while a significant improvement overall has been achieved, 2010 has not (yet) turned into the super banner year I was hoping for. Too many meh or utter crap years for me.

I am ready for this semester to be over and done with. One more class of Spanish, then exams. And, just as last semester, my exams on the last possible days and times for them to be held. I understand there's a whole week set aside for exams, at least academically. This whole week's worth of days to be examined just doesn't seem to apply to me. At least the classes haven't been difficult. I think that, again, I'll make Dean's List. But, perhaps tellingly, I'm not as concerned or excited at the prospect this semester like I was last semester.

My applications and paperwork are in for NCSU and UNCG. Both options even out on the pros/cons scale, really, so if I get accepted to both, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Flip a coin? In any case, I'm ready to not be at RCCC and in Mom's basement anymore. I've peaked here. I had to, essentially, start back from the beginning in a lot of ways over the course of the past year or so, and I've built back up to near where I left off. And what I need to continue forward, versus pushing against the wall, is to get up and out of here and somewhere else.

I can recognize symptoms that looks suspiciously like depression of one kind or another settling in. I have not been diagnosed with clinical or manic depression. I don't claim it or wield it as an excuse. But I do acknowledge the symptoms and the familial and genetic predisposition. I know that if it weren't for the good things I have, little or big, I'd be in worse shape. I'm actually going to finish two semesters in a row. That's, sadly, something of an accomplishment for me. My Wednesdays have been pretty consistently good: dinner with my Grandmommie Poole, choir practice, game night. I've gotten back into Warhammer 40K, which has creative and artistic elements. It's been especially helpful that a train to Raleigh is pretty inexpensive and I can go up, hang out with Jerod and get some games in. His bugs have been winning consistently, but I'm learning new rules. Oh, how I miss Stubborn. I have felt God around. I can't think of a time when I haven't, mind, but I know He's trying to encourage patience in me. And I'm trying, I really am, to be patient, to Listen.

But waiting for something to start is not something I do very well. I hate sitting and doing nothing, just spinning my wheels. Once I'm involved in something, I have a seemingly endless supply of patience and understanding. I feel like I've been spinning my wheels for near a year in some regards. I think I'm ready for what's out there, but what's out there, it seems, isn't ready for me. There's information out there that I should know. But it's withheld from me, intentionally or accidentally. Communication failures, lack of trust. Too many replays of the same scene with varying degrees of intensity, but the same essential script, even if some of the players change. It's frustrating. Damn the material, damn the corporeal.

I'm a good guy. I've got flaws, but I try to be upfront about them. I refuse to act like I don't want what I want because someone, somewhere decided that was the way to get what you want. And I refuse to not go after what I want out of life to fit some stupid, arbitrary, and painfully mutable rules. I sort of understand why the rules get changed out from under my feet. If you need something, tell me what it is you need, plainly. Don't get mad if what you said to me was open to interpretation. Subtle clues will be willfully ignored. I don't give a rat's ass about airs of mystery. I'm not going to lose interest or attraction just because I've cracked the mystery. There's a lifetime's worth of discovery two people can share without "mystery" between them. Mystery is way too close to misery. Don't coddle my ego, tell me plainly. Simple, clear honesty is going to hurt me far, far less than attempting to spare my feelings.

And for the love of God, when did "let's just be friends" turn into not talking to someone at all?

It's been a year or more since I've known what a good night's rest felt like and I'm kinda tired of it. I don't think the situation is going to change any time soon, frustratingly enough, but I'm more than a little ready for it to, in my mind, in my heart, and in my soul. I'm dreaming more in the last few months than I have in the entire decade before. It's throwing me off, making my sleep even less restful. It keeps my up because I'm dreaming about someone I don't want to dream about. I don't want to think about her. It hurts to watch her life spiral more and more out of control, to see her push people away, consciously or unconsciously. I know it's not my place any more to be there. But despite everything, I haven't stopped caring. I haven't stopped wanting good things for her. She's got to be hurting hard and deep somewhere. I can only imagine that it might have been something like how she or others felt about me last summer. My recovery was slower, perhaps, but it was, it is real.

I've spent way too much time and effort in the last year rebuilding who I am from the ground up to tolerate the low moods and impatience and ennui I'm struggling with now. It's doubly frustrating because I should be in better spirits, and I know it. I have too much that is good in my life to be this down, but I am nonetheless. And I certainly don't want to seem ungrateful to anyone.

Mom, Randy, Grandmommie, John, Hugh, KC, Chris, all of you who have helped hold me up. I am thankful. I will remember the kindnesses you have shown me and some day I will pay back or pay forward.

In twelve days, the Ides of May will be upon us, and I will be 28. Ten years ago, I was getting ready to graduate from high school, and I was working hard to push my grades up enough to be an Honors Graduate, despite being, well, me. I was looking forward to prom with a bunch of great friends. I couldn't imagine what ten years in the future would look like. There was so much I didn't know and, looking back, I was much, much happier not knowing. I wonder what Justin-That-Was would think of Justin-That-Is. Likely not much. I didn't think much of a lot of people older than me, but there were a few. Justin-That-Was couldn't even fathom the concept of dropping out or doing poorly at college, that much I remember. The very idea that I would be back in my mom's basement trying to finish up my sophomore year at college ten years after graduating high school would have been laughable. And it's still something I feel at least a little bit of shame over. Despite a seeming wealth of experience with it, failure isn't something I've ever really been able to take well.

But you know what? My people are a long-lived people. We are healthy, we are strong, we are smart, and we are, eventually, wise. If I were to meet Justin-That-Was, I'd have sat his ass right down in his place, with fists if necessary. For my people are a stubborn people, too. It's pointless to speculate on what might have been. The world has been kicking my ass for the last ten years, and no small part of that was because I let it. Sometimes because I just didn't want to fight, whether from pacifism or apathy or whatever. Sometimes I fought harder than I should have been able to and still lost. Sometimes I just walked away from the fight and gave up before it started. Ten years of losing, ten years of failures, ten years of little to show for my journey, these things have taught me many hard lessons. They have strengthened me in ways that success never can. We are a stubborn people. I reject many of the "rules." Pointless, obfuscating, obstructive, and unproductive are these that I deny.

I will not act like I do not want what I want.
I will pursue that which I want.
I will do so with honesty and without apology.
I will be as direct as I can as often as I can.
I will say what I mean and I will mean what I say.

In two years' time, these are the goals I am striving to accomplish: I will graduate with a BA in History. If this means I have to load up on summer classes or get approval for over-booked semesters, then I will do so. Next summer, I will be in the legal and physical condition required to enlist in the Army National Guard. I will graduate, I will get my commission. In another ten years time I want to look back with my officer's rank and pay, with my PhD and say to myself "Well played, Justin. Well played."

And God help anyone who gets in my way.

damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead

Spanish II Project, Part II

2010-04-14T01:59:00.000-05:00

To conclude the project, I write this entry.

Since the last time I wrote I've had occasion to spend some more time with Dunkan and at his shop. While there, I also got to know some of the friends and family that help out around his store. In one visit that sticks out in particular, I learned the Cuban way to play dominoes with Frankie. Frankie makes the most fantastic Cuban coffee I have ever tasted. And on top of that, I got to a little more practice in with some basic Spanish, numbers mostly, but it was fun.

I am further impressed by Dunkan's devotion to his family, be they close, extended, or unofficial. His cousin introduced him to Salisbury and has been helping him remodel his new storefront. He dreams of being successful enough to move his mother up this way and provide a large enough house for her, himself, and all his family. He has spent time helping tutor Latin-Americans in English, helping them acclimate to the culture here in the States and here in Salisbury.

All told, I think Dunkan is living the classic American dream. Being successful, experiencing and embracing new cultures while maintaining a love and devotion to your roots and your family. He is a gregarious host and optimistic businessman. He blends the charm and hospitality of his roots with the drive and ambition of American entrepreneurial spirit. So much so that it's been difficult to catch him for more interviews! He's been very busy preparing his new location, which opens on the 25th.

It's been fun getting to know Dunkan and I look forward to hanging out with him again soon at the new store.

The Echevarria Interviews (Part 1)

2010-03-15T16:12:00.003-05:00

So there's this project in my Elementary Spanish II class. We're supposed to visit and interview a native Spanish speaker. We're supposed to talk to them about many a wide variety of topics. I'm pretty sure I picked a good choice. This is just the first entry, but it should be a substantial one.

Dunkan Echavarria owns and runs a cigar bar in downtown Salisbury called Havana Knights. This is where I first met him. I enjoy the occasional cigar, and I was excited to see a place open up locally that sold them. As soon as I walked into the door, I was met and welcomed. The place is overflowing with enthusiasm and hospitality. But I'm not here to review the store.

Dunkan's parents came to America in the late 1960's as part of the Freedom Flights. He was born in Miami in 1971 and was raised in Little Havana. Most of his life was spent in Miami and for many years he owned an interior design company specializing is top to bottom refinishing of houses to be resold in a short period of time. As the coming collapse of the housing market reared its ugly head, he started looking for a new line of work. He had family in this area and came to visit a cousin over New Year's in 2008/2009. He felt that Salisbury had a lot of potential and saw an opportunity to take advantage of the central location in the state. He opened up Havana Knights in 2009. In talking with him, he never fails to mention his family. He is enthusiastic about hard work and hospitality. He interacts with his customers, befriends them. He has very successfully created an atmosphere where people from all walks of live can come in, enjoy a smoke and talk. In the times I've come in I've gotten to know some of his regulars: an attorney, a college professor or two, a bartender, a housewife, students. Much has been made of Hispanic hospitality (there's that word again) and if there was anything in my experience that has proved it, Dunkan's shop is it. And it must be working, since he is planning to move to a much larger location and foresees the opportunity to open up more locations in the near future.

I've tried to speak a little Spanish with him from time to time, but my aural skills aren't fully up to speed. But he's a pretty understanding guy. He recommends lifestyle magazines to anyone trying to learn a foreign language. He highlighted the relatively simple language and the inclusion of slang and turns of phrase as key reasons to use them to help fully comprehend a language. Made sense to me.

This is just a brief summation of several hours of conversation. I'll have plenty more to talk about next time.

Resolute

2010-01-05T18:07:00.002-05:00

It's that time of year again. When the vast most of us make a list of things to do we'll keep up with for a month or two then abandon. It is my hope to maintain or achieve most of these resolutions. As such, I ask all of my friends to help me, and I will help as I can.

Health and Fitness.
Drop to 225 or lose the belly fat, whichever comes first.
Continue to eat more salads, fruits, and vegetables.
Improve my cardiovascular fitness and see about entering the Bear.

Style and Appearance.
Get a three piece suit.
Get a good hat.
Get a vest or three I can wear with anything.
Grow my hair out long enough to pull back.
Attempt a respectable beard.
Get a safety razor and kit, if not a straight razor.

Work, School, Play.
Get my driving situation fixed.
Maintain a 3.5 GPA or better.
Transfer to UNCG.
Move back to Greensboro, in a dorm if need be.
Get a good TV and an Xbox360.
Find work on campus, if possible.
Write more letters.
Draw more sketches.
Sing every day.
Live, love, dare.
Help others improve as I improve.

Not a bad list, I think. Some I can work and check off, the others are lifelong ideas. I want to be able to look back at this post in May and check a lot of those off. I want to look back in December and say that I did all those twice over and more.

dare! dare to keep all your dreams alive

2010

2010-01-03T00:15:00.003-05:00

So already this year has beaten last year in per capita awesome. But my net awesome for last year was way, way low. Gross Awesome was actually looking really damn strong in the first half of the year, but, well, not so much in the 3rd and 4th quarters 2009.

2009 in Review (abridged):
Had a decent job, then lost it.
Joined the choir at St. James Lutheran.
One good Carnevale (and really good night before).
Several good trips to Boone.
Butt-ass ugly breakup taking most of the year to die. Not a little bit my own fault.
One suck-ass birthday.
Joined the congregation of St. Jame Lutheran (I'm awesome and backwards like that).
One suck-ass Carnevale.
One middling CRF season.
I made Dean's List! Shy of President's List (4.0) by one class (3 A's, 1 B).
One interesting lesson in quiet victory at an AKA gig.
Got voted on to St. James' Congregation Council.
One awesome Christmas.

2010 so far:
No bonfire.
Fireworks!
Firefly and Serenity!
Adventure! the roleplaying game!

All in the space of two days, even! And there's much more potential for awesome. But these things I dare not speak of too much. Not yet. But my semester upcoming is looking good. I have the last two classes I need to retake scheduled and ready. When I transfer in the fall, I will be doing so with what should be a really good GPA. I'm excited! And I get to attend my first meeting as an active member of the Congregation Council next Sunday. 2010 is looking good for me. Really good.

So f*#$ you, 2009.

i want to exorcise the demons of your past

Links re: Twilight via Ebo

2009-11-30T12:12:00.000-05:00

For those who love or hate Twilight, allow me to light the flames of intarweebs combat with these two links!

http://kar3ning.livejournal.com/545639.html

http://www.wired.com/underwire/2009/11/twilight-lessons-girls-learn/

Read! And may the light of true knowledge save you from fangirls!

the psychotic bastard religion

God has a sense of humor. (No. Really.)

2009-11-11T09:41:00.002-05:00

So it's no secret that I have not been handling the last six months or so very well. It came to a peak recently and I've had a chance to look at the mess I've made around myself and I've come to the conclusion that I am well and truly tired of all this bullshit. I don't know how well I'll be able to maintain this attitude (I've tried it before, but couldn't hang on to it) but I, despite anyone's evidence to the contrary, have some insane willpower. When I choose to use it. So let's use it.

There's a lot of old letters and pictures I'm going to have to do something with. I don't know what, yet. I'm sentimental. Sometimes too sentimental, but there it is. And of course, I come to these conclusions to do something and the weather turns wet, cold, dreary. See? God does have a sense of humor. And also a sense of irony and cliche. At least, He does with me. Because I have a similar dry, biting sense of humor, irony, and cliche. Har har, tee hee. I'd be mad if I didn't appreciate the sentiment. I don't want to do anything at all with the letters and the pictures, but I can't operate under the illusion that what I want is going to ever happen. At least not until I want something else. Then that something else might have a chance, but what was will never be again, no matter how much I want it. I've stalled and procrastinated, because it's going to suck dealing with it. I know it and so I've tried to avoid it. I can't.

I can't be her friend. I can't ever be her friend. I tried. I hoped that maybe I would be ok with just being a friend for a little while, maybe somehow show her we could work out again, the newer versions of each of us coming from better places. But that's delusion. It's hope blinding me, and false hope at that. I don't need that false hope, but anytime she says anything to me, no matter how loud my rational brain says it means nothing, my heart leaps from my chest into my throat and screams out it's hope to drown out any other noise or sound. So I can't be her friend. I can't be her anything. Two more weekends of faire to get through and then she doesn't have to see me or communicate with me. I don't have to see her or communicate with her. I promised I'd never give up. And I can't keep that promise. God help me, but I hope it's the last one I have to break.

So I quit. I give up. I surrender. I'm done.

For now, I go to class, I workout, I keep my grades up. I sing when I can. The rest of the time? I close my ears to the world, turn on some music, crank the volume up insanely high and drown out the cries of my heart with something else.

Turn it to 11.

Power levels to maximum.

I will raise my voice to the Lord. I will sing the New Song.

they will not force us/they will stop degrading us/they will not control us/we will be victorious
(come on)

I Can't Think of a Title: The Blog Entry

2009-11-06T12:32:00.002-05:00

See? That was almost clever. I thought I'd pop in and update. I'd been meaning to. Still exercising. But the shin splints kept appearing on the right leg. So I've switched over the elliptical for the time being. It works the muscles and doesn't have any of the impact. Huzzah! I think I'm narrowed the problem down to a combination of worn out shoes and needing more strength in the legs. Not more size, though. Jesus knows my legs are big enough. I need to get my upper body a little more filled out first. Which I've been doing! The last couple of weeks I've tried to add in some upper body workout on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. No real visible progress, but it's the working out that's the important part. No real weight loss, so I'm still around 250. But I haven't been eating as healthy as I'd like and I haven't been working out as much or as hard as I should. A symptom of the 3-5 miles a day I walk at faire, I guess.

I'm fighting complacency and boredom in my classes again. I just took a Spanish test I think I might get a B on. At best. This bothers me. I'm better than this. Just easily distracted and easily made bored. Darn ADD and lack of challenge. The only real challenge I've had this semester was the 7-10 page research paper, but that's already in. I think I did a pretty good job, but time will tell.

Only three more weekends of faire. And this is the first time I can remember being more than a little ready for the season to be over. But it's more social pressures and the like than anything else. But this weekend, at least, shouldn't be problematic. It's Celtic Jam weekend! One more weekend of kiltage, and then it's the pants. Maria fixed my Significantly Snug Pants! Though they are not as significantly snug as they once were. That is the price I pay, I suppose, for trimming down like I have. Oh well.

fiat amor et pereat mundus

Progress. Of a sort.

2009-10-27T16:03:00.004-05:00

So I must be doing something right in the exercising. I haven't had any issues with the muscles of either leg of late. But now it's the shin splints. So now I've got to work on other things like stride, muscle strengthening, etc. And I probably need new shoes. My current shoes cause my feet to roll too much to the outside of my foot. It twists the leg and probably contributes to the shin splints. So I've had to switch off the Couch-to-5K program and back to machines. But the elliptical, I think is going to be my new machine. Managed to keep something close to my best mile pace of about 12:30 with no stress on my bum leg. I can be ok with that for now.

I've made to down to about 250 now. From a starting point of 270-274 in the first week in September. Not too bad, but I'd like a little more progress. 250 is my big hurdle. But! I went from barely being able to fit into my kilt to it being too big. I have to strap the buckles down as far as they will go or the kilt will slip down. Crazy! But my Significantly Snug Pants should be refitted and ready to go by this next weekend. I'm excited!

School is still going well enough. I've got most of my classes down for next semester. I just need to get someone to say I can retake the physics class I took a few years ago. I took it before, so I should be able to retake it. Yay bureaucracy.

upon us all a little rain must fall

October, So Far.

2009-10-13T21:10:00.003-05:00

So it's been awhile since my last post. I've been busy and, frankly, not in much a mood to spill forth my rantings online. At least, not published or public. I have no idea how my weight loss is going. It's likely slow, but I haven't weighed myself in almost two weeks. Last weigh in was at 256. Not bad, really. I'll probably break down and weigh in again on Monday. But I'm just going to try and go over the last couple of weeks.

Couch-to-5K: An excellent program. Unfortunately halfway through week 2 I decided I wanted to catch a fever. So the running program and workouts have been on hold. Not great for the metabolism, but I've been eating waaaay healthier lately. And in smaller portions. I still eat when sick, but I was just too tired and sore and fevered to be physically capable of the actions of consuming food for long.

Fever, Part 1 and 2: Last Tuesday late I started to feel flushed and achy. By bedtime I was full-on flu-like symptoms. Bed rest all day Wednesday (Missed a Spanish quiz! Argh!) and most of Thursday. I try to pick up a run Thursday after feeling much better. Class and Phil's on Friday, opening (sweltering, miserable) day on Saturday. Sunday morning, I wake up with another fever. This one accompanied by MORE ache and a scratchy breathing coughing thing. But I was feeling better by bedtime and another day of bedrest Monday and I am feeling right as rain today.

Ren-Faire, Student Days: So far, it's not really all that different from any other year, at least logistically. I hate not having Kyle around, but he's at AIT. He's excused. They also finally saddled the Guard with a radio. Fie! I'll let Chris have it as much as I can, but this weekend I'll have no choice. Fie, I say! I get to do Student Days this year. Which is kinda fun, really, but I'd rather have been able to find a job to go to instead. Oh well. Tomorrow promises to be nice and cold! I'm excited!

Other: There are at least a handful of things this year that are not like last year. Namely that Hannah and I are not together. It's...still hard. Everyone says I'm doing a good job of it, though, so I must be doing something right. I feel transparent, but I guess I'm not. Today at the first Student Day I actually managed to have actual conversations that seemed to lack awkwardness. Hannah, John, KC, and I all hung out afterwards for a late lunch/early dinner. I rode with Hannah. Seemingly, nothing terrible happened. I'm not entirely sure how. The real me was inside my head yelling a thousand things I want to say, but I plodded along with another conversation. I see her looking spiffy and gorgeous as she always does in garb and I want to reach out and wrap my arms around her. I'm not sure exactly how it is that I don't. It's like some autopilot setting I'm unaware of. I'm trying very, very hard to "man up" and "get over it" and "put on the big girl panties" or what the fuck ever. I guess I am doing those things, but I don't know what it is that I'm doing or how I'm doing it. Seeing her and hearing her and not being with her still hurts just as much as it has since May. I guess I can just hide it better now. I don't know as that's a good thing. It's just not the same, playing Capt. Grey this year. I really enjoyed playing at the life long soldier-romantic wooing the Lady Gabrielle, Comtesse du Normandy. I really want to again. I still miss her very much. I miss my friend. I miss my confidant. I miss my partner. I miss my lover-soon-wife.

But I go on. Each day I get up. If I don't make it out of bed, it's not because of depression, though the temptation is strong every morning to just stay in bed. I don't do as good a job of not complaining as I like. But at the same time I know burying the emotions would only make it worse. I'm not trying to make a spectacle of my suffering for sympathy. At the same time, I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not making any special effort to hide. I hurt. I don't want to thrust it in your face, and forgive me if I do. But if you ask me how I am, I will answer honestly. I stay up far too late at night. I avoid getting into my bed, because I remember what it felt like to go to sleep with her curled up against my back and I remember what it felt like to wake up curled around her. Eventually I have to sleep. And I do. I take care of myself. I bathe. I eat, and as healthy as I can. I take my multivitamin, I drink my V8. I still plan to keep working out. I go to class. I do my homework, I study. I'm actually in deep on a research paper for my Western Civilisation class. I'm not...necessarily sure why but I keep doing them. Somewhere, academically, I know these things are good for me, but I don't feel it. I'm going through the motions because I feel like I should, not because I really want to. Maybe someday I'll remember the reason why or find a new one. For now I just find that I keep getting up every day. I keep doing what I'm "supposed" to do. Sometimes I hear the alarm and think "God, I just want to stay here." and by the time I've finished that thought I'm already halfway done with my shower.

I'm definitely not as happy as I'd like to be. I'm more poetic, maybe. I've written more poetry, real poems not the silly haiku I cobble together, than I have in years. But that's just an outlet for the hurt. I'd much rather not have the inspiration. It is what it is. I strive for Stoicism. I try to not be controlled by my anguishes. I don't succeed nearly enough. But I keep on. I have said many times, some times tear-streaked and cracked of voice, that I would much rather spend a lifetime trying and failing and trying and failing and trying than to ever just give up. I've done a lot of really dumb things in the last 5 months or so. Mostly because of the hurt. I hurt and I get angry because of the pain. I act out of anger and lash out, either to harm whatever is closest or to reach out for some kind of relief. This is never a good thing or a smart thing to do. It is what I have done, nonetheless. I have no idea how to handle the kind of situation I'm in. Some part of me seems to, but it's not being very communicative. It's just doing. Often letting me sit near-catatonic in the passenger seat.

I'm venting. I promise I'm not going to stop living any time soon, so long as I have a say in the matter. I am enjoying Ren-Faire. I do enjoy (usually) my classes. I even enjoy working out. Even running, to some extent or another. But these are little joys, shallow. They are just barely enough for now, but I guess that's all I can get in the for now. I would rather be sharing these little joys and magnify them thusly into great joys. I would much rather be sharing these little joys with Hannah, bringing them into even higher greatness. I still hold out hope that it's possible. Someday. Maybe even soon. I can't help but to do so. I still love her. I can't walk away from that kind of love without exhausting all available options. For so many people it is sex first, then, if things line up, maybe a relationship. I find this backwards to the point of baffling. I can't fathom how it could possibly work. I see that it "works" for so very many people, many people I know and am close to. But the logistics...they make no sense. I seek the relationship first. Then, if everything lines up, then sex might happen. I can't wrap my head around the idea of exposing myself, of letting myself be so vulnerable (literally, emotionally, and spiritually) without having an absolute trust in the person I'm with. I trust readily, yes, but not at a first glance. It takes conversation. It takes a lot of deep probing of someone. It takes key moments.

Key moments like walking up to a girl you've spent the last week talking with for as much as 8 hours at a time and catching her off guard as she gets out of her car and kissing her. Moments that catch a girl off guard, leaving her vulnerable and open. Moments like that when I, too, and completely open and vulnerable and I feel her, who she really is, as she returns the kiss and wraps her arms around me as I wrap my arms around her. That's where the absolute trust comes from. It takes risk. I was tired of waiting. I was tired of chickening out of expressing what I wanted. I played against type. I made a bold move. At least at the time, fortune actually favored my boldness. It remains one of the greatest days and weekends I have ever lived.

Ok. I'm done ranting for now. You're all caught up on my schedule and emo-ness. Yay. It's 11PM. I have to be up at 6AM for a cold, rainy, middle-schooler-filled Student Day.

but it's just the price i pay, destiny is calling me

Day 30. End of the First Month.

2009-09-30T15:31:00.002-05:00

Well, here it is. One month of exercising at least five days a week has come to a close. I've gone from 270 to 256. A loss of 14 lbs. Not too shabby, especially considering I haven't altered my diet all that much. But I am, at the very least, conscious of what I'm eating. I might not always make the healthiest decision, but it's not one I make off the cuff. Usually it's just a matter of what is on hand, especially on Mondays and Wednesdays, since these are my crazy busiest days. From now on I'll be checking my progress weekly on Mondays and posting here. I don't think I'll be posting my daily eating habits, either. I did it mostly to make me aware of how good or bad I was eating. I'll still try to post daily, though. Either progress on the running program or with weightlifting or something like that.

So today was the second of three days this week with the Couch to 5K program. The first week consists of running for 60 seconds, walking for 90 seconds. Cardiovascularly, I was much better off. I wasn't near as winded as I was Monday. But the real kicker is the shin splints. Ow. My left leg cramped up a bit, as is its wont. I think I might not have stretched enough, as I didn't have this problem Monday. Who knows? I'll just stretch better and see how it goes. But I take it as a good sign that my heart and lungs did better with this run.

Breakfast: Bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. Cheerwine.
Lunch: VitaminWater Power-C.
Dinner: Darrell's foot-long hot dog with chili, slaw, ketchup, mayonnaise, and mustard. Tater tots. Cheerwine.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 29. 256lbs.

2009-09-29T18:24:00.002-05:00

"Light" day today, hour on the recumbent. But I'm ramping the speed up more.

Weigh in: 256lbs! Rock!

Breakfast: Huge salad, two pieces of pizza. Milk.
Lunch: Big salad. Water.
Dinner: 2oz. of steak, one slice pizza, chicken salad sandwich, pasta salad. Sweet tea.

pour toi, ma coeur

Day 28. Ow.

2009-09-28T15:45:00.002-05:00

So I started Couch-to-5K today. Ow. You think your cardiovascular fitness is improving, running as long as you have on the exercise bike. But you'd be wrong. Dead, dead wrong. I am, at least, not as dead as I would have been if I had not been working out the last four weeks. Got some minor shin splints, but that's ok. It's not terrible, but jeebus that wasn't easy.

Breakfast: Vending machine mini-donuts (actually healthier and cheaper than the canteen). Vitamin Water.
Lunch: Slice of thin-crust cheese pizza. Diet Sweet Green Tea.
Dinner: Slice of thin-crust cheese and cheeseburger pizza, one each. Water.

work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger

Day 27

2009-09-27T17:45:00.003-05:00

Man, what a gorgeous day! I can't think of many ways to improve upon it. But...for here, for now, it was a very nice day. And I ate much healthier today, too. I'm very much psyched about starting the running tomorrow. I'm trying to get John to join in. The more people I can push, the easier it is to push myself.

Brunch: Broccoli and asian veggies with garlic sauce and white rice. Sweet tea and hot green tea.
Dinner: Steak with salad, steamed broccoli, 12-grain wheat bread, and kebabs(green pepper, orange pepper, cucumber, onion, squash, with olive oil, no salt seasoning, a little red wine vinegar and Italian spices[guess who made those! ^_^]). Water.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Days 25 and 26.

2009-09-26T21:24:00.003-05:00

I've actually had an enjoyable couple of days and wasn't near WiFi for some of it, hence my lack of update yesterday. But I can lump it in today.

Friday: Another hour on the bike, time flying when reading! I'm going to miss that when I switch to the running program next week. Oh well, I'll have Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Breakfast/Lunch: Chicken biscuit. VitaminWater.
Dinner: Hibachi steak and chicken with veggie stirfry. Cheerwine.

Saturday: No YMCA activity. I took a day to just rest and enjoy the cool rainy day reading. Not a real healthy eating day, though. But no soft drinks.

Brunch: Thin crust beef or cheese pizza slices. Sweet tea.
Dinner: Same.

Tomorrow I think my eating will be a little better, one way or another. I think I'm looking a little thinner, but I look at myself in the mirror each day. The progress will, naturally, be somewhat imperceptible to me. But, I was able to get into a pair of 35" waist shorts Friday. It wasn't any more uncomfortable than they had been earlier this spring, but I couldn't fit into them over the summer at all, so I guess it's steps in the right direction. Overall I'm disappointed (more in myself than anything) in my progress, but that has a lot more to do with impatience and being tired of the extra weight. I know there are no lasting quick fixes, but I'm tired of carrying it. When I exercise, I feel like I'm strapped into this "fat vest" and I just want to take it off and be done with it. I'm not giving up, I'm not feeling super discouraged. I need to remind myself each day to keep an eye on what I eat. I might use some of my refund money to get some protein bars to keep on hand. Rather than resorting to going hungry or fried breakfast, have something healthy(ish) on hand. Money doesn't solve everything, but it does open up more options.

So the new plan is to run according to the Couch to 5K schedule on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. The program calls for 20-30 minutes. After that I might swim or hit the bike. On Tuesday and Thursday I'll likely be on the bike, maybe hit the weights, since I have more time to spare on those days. And this is my last free weekend for a while. 8-10 hours walking on my feet all day should count as exercise. At least, I'm going to count it.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 24.

2009-09-24T19:38:00.000-05:00

Time passes by so much better when reading. Leave it to me to nerd up working out with books.

Breakfast: Burrito with beef, beans, salsa, lettuce, fat free sour cream, cheese. Water.
Lunch: Chick-fil-A sandwich on wheat with lettuce, tomato, provolone and waffle fries. Cherry Coke.
Dinner: Baked spaghetti with peppers, onions. Water.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 23.

2009-09-23T16:44:00.001-05:00

Another hour on the recumbent, but I brought along a book (Terry Pratchett's Men at Arms) and that made the time pass much faster. Which is fantastic, as an hour on any kind of exercise gets old after a while.

Breakfast: Caesar salad. Water.
Lunch: Mashed potatos and gravy, green beans. Water.
Dinner: Footlong hotdog and tater tots. Cheerwine.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 22, Week 4. 258

2009-09-22T18:13:00.003-05:00

Weight loss is slowing a bit, but that's ok. I ate horribly last week, too. Still pushing the bike as much as I can. Going to start the Couch-to-5K thing next week.

Weigh in: 258.

Breakfast/Lunch: Spaghetti, sauce with sliced peppers in it. Milk.
Dinner: Caesar Salad. Pasta Primavera with broccoli, carrots, green and orange peppers, yellow squash, zucchini. Milk.

pour toi, ma coeur

Day 21, End Week 3.

2009-09-21T16:59:00.002-05:00

Today was a little better. At least, it certainly was by comparison. I might have to start a running program a week earlier than I was thinking, though. I wasn't nearly as tired today at the end of my routine as I was Friday. And I was working with more resistance. Bike's not maxed out, though. Yet.

Breakfast: bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. VitaminWater.
Lunch: Two hotdogs. Water.
Snack: Apple.
Dinner: Pork tenderloin with potatoes, corn, green beans. Water.

work it harder, make it better, move it faster, makes us stronger

Day 20,

2009-09-20T23:58:00.002-05:00

Yeah. Not healthy at all. Can't even pretend it was healthy. Heh. However, I didn't eat all that much. And I gave blood. Calories be damned, I was bleedin' fer Jesus!

Breakfast/lunch: Hardee's Monster Thickburger Combo w/ curly fries. Half Cherry Coke, Half Diet Dr. Pepper.
"Dinner": Small piece of carrot cake. Fruit punch. Later, two glasses of V-Fusion.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 19, almost on time.

2009-09-19T22:58:00.002-05:00

Slow starting day, but got busy later in the day. If I would have known my day would have been so slow, I would have hit the Y. I did do a lot of standing and walking at Chase's game, at least. And While I might not have eaten super healthy, the portions were a lot better than yesterday.

Breakfast: Sheetz chicken caesar salad wrap. Cheerwine.
Lunch: Hamburger patty, small baked potato. Water.
Dinner: The equivalent of a slice and a half of Papa John's deep dish pepperoni pizza. Water.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 18, a little late.

2009-09-19T13:29:00.002-05:00

Not a healthy day, but I was pushing it a little harder today than usual. I've been looking at a plan call Couch-to-5K. Starting in the first full week of October, I think I'm going to jump into it. Check it out here. It seems pretty simple and, by all accounts, is pretty effective. I've just got to push the bike for the next couple of weeks until I start. Get the cardiovascular fitness up a little bit more before I start the running.

Breakfast: Hashbrowns. Water.
Lunch: BBQ, slaw, hushpuppies. Water.
Dinner: Hamburger patty, baked potato. Later(!): Cheeseburger, hot dog.

I was hungry. Gotta eat more salads, veggies in the next couple of days.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 17

2009-09-17T20:11:00.002-05:00

Each day I push the resistance up on the recumbent bike a little bit more. If I remember my water bottle, I run at least 4 15 minute intervals on the bike. If I don't, I'll do 10 minute intervals to at least 60 minutes. Less time because I sweat a lot, imagine, and need more water. Break up the intervals with a few laps around the track walking/jogging.

I eat a lot of leftovers. So it's not always super healthy. But I try to either add health or minimize bad stuff. I also can't control what the 'rents bring home for supper. But that said, I love food and Darrell's is the best worst food I can get my hands on. Yum.

Breakfast: Beef taco supreme. Water.
Lunch: Rice with sliced green and red peppers, onions. Diet V8 Splash.
Dinner: Footlong hotdog with slaw, chili and tater tots. Water.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 16

2009-09-16T16:05:00.002-05:00

Another hour of cardio on the recumbent bike, but the resistance is continuing to be increased.

Breakfast: Steak, egg, and cheese croisant. VitaminWater.
Lunch: Apple. Water.
Dinner: Darrell's. Cheerwine.

Wednesdays are definitely going to be my bad food day.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 15. Beginning of Week 3. 261lbs.

2009-09-15T15:45:00.002-05:00

More cardio at the YMCA. Didn't stay as long, but I mixed it up some. 45 minutes on the recumbent bike, about 30 minutes of running and walking on the indoor track.

Todays weigh in? 261.

Maybe not quite as fast as I'd like, but it's in the right direction. I'm back where I was at the beginning of the summer. I can still make my goal of being under 250 come the opening weekend of Faire easily.

Breakfast: Banana. Diet V8 Splash.
Lunch: Lots of salad. Milk and water.
Dinner: Not sure yet. If I cook, I'll make one of the freezer steamer meals and add some more veggies. Water or Diet V8 Splash to drink.

work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger

On Curves.

2009-09-14T20:54:00.002-05:00

I have never been a fan of grading curves. Mostly because I was always at the top of the curve, and giving extra points to people who didn't study or bother to learn the material is repugnant. To me, at least. You don't deserve extra points just because you couldn't be bothered to learn the material. That's crap, pure and simple.

I bring this up because I got my test score back for my first test in Music Appreciation today. It was a doozy of a test, too. 93 questions, I believe. The class average? 64. My score? 98. Call me the Bane of the Grading Curve. But the professor decided to give everyone an extra 10 points. I think it's crap. But oh well. Three people walked out of the class shortly after getting their scores. I hope they don't come back. Yeesh.

I guess I'll just keep killing the curve. And having a 98+ average in all four of my classes. Win.

they see me rollin'

Day 14, End Week 2

2009-09-14T17:00:00.002-05:00

More of the same on cardio. Hour and a half on the recumbent bike, broken up with a little bit of track walking/running. I must be making a little progress, as I'm less winded and using higher resistance.

Breakfast: Chicken biscuit. Vitamin Water.
Lunch: Plain hamburger, the school sized mini kind. Vitamin Water.
Dinner: Michaelina's Lean Gourmet Fettucini Florentine. Diet V8 Splash. I'm very likely to have a salad or two with water when I get home from class.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 13

2009-09-13T20:41:00.002-05:00

Not a lot of work today, but I did help my grandmother clean up her kitchen after church.

Breakfast: I didn't get out of bed in time. Toothpaste?
Lunch: Two salads of various lettuces and green leaves. Two plates of homemade chicken veggie pie. A small plate of various desserts. Lots of water to drink.
Dinner: Salad of spinach and field greens. Sonic chili cheese footlong with tater tots. Milk, V8 Splash.

Not a super healthy day, but it was reasonably healthy overall.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 12

2009-09-12T17:42:00.003-05:00

I had been working on the math in my head. I think I've discovered a bit of a plan that will work for swift fat loss. Exercise enough to burn up 2000 calories, consumed 2000 calories in food a day. Which, as far as "diets" go is a pretty hefty amount of food. This isn't a lifelong plan. This month is about jump-starting my metabolism, burning through the inertia with lots of hard work and strict control. After the end of the month, I'm going to ease up on the work and restrictions. By that time, I should be at a level of fitness and activity that I'll be a lot healthier overall and no longer under anyone's definition of obese. I carry a lot of fat around and probably qualify at my current weight. Burn off a lot of fat, get back to "overweight," keep up the activity.

The math is pretty simple. My long-term target weight is 225. But I might not ever get there, depending on how much muscle I put on. But. According to all the research I've done, a body needs 12 Calories per pound to maintain weight. To maintain 270lbs, I need to consume 3200 Calories a day. To maintain 225, I need 2700. That's really a lot of food. If I eat at a level of my target weight, the Calorie deficit will result in fat-weight loss all on it's own. Initially, a pound of week of fat. Not bad, really. With the recumbent bike (my favorite machine for cardio!) I burn the same number of Calories as I weigh every 15 minutes as long as I maintain at least 12mph. More if I go faster, but I like conservative estimates. That's about 1000 Calories of fat an hour. My usual routine is an hour and a half of bike time, then making up the rest in walking and other exercise. It's improving my cardiovascular fitness and trimming fat. If I maintain a diet of around 2000 Calories and exercise about 2000 Calories a day, I'll trim off a few ounces more than 5 lbs. a week.

Again, this is not a plan I'm going to use for longer than the end of the month. 30 days of mad work to get things started. October will be a lot more reasonable. But healthier. I'd love to be able to do a five mile run without stopping someday. Maybe I'll be able to run The Bear at Grandfather Mountain next summer. Ha! Right.

Breakfast: Michaelina's Lean Gourmet pocket pizza things. V8 Splash.
Lunch: Salad of spinach and field greens with chopped carrots and broccoli with feta and 1000 island dressing. Michaelina's Sweet and Sour Chicken. V8 Splash, Milk.
Dinner: Steak sub with peppers, onions, lettuce, tomato, mushrooms and a handful of baked fries. Water.

work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger

Day 11

2009-09-11T16:52:00.002-05:00

Nothing exciting on the exercise front. Hour and a half on the recumbent bike in 15 minute "sets" broken up by a couple of laps around the indoor track as a "rest" period. But that bike is my best bet for continuous calorie burn and cardio workout.

Breakfast: Serving of chopped pineapple, beef taco supreme (Silence! I eat what's quick and available.). Diet V8 Splash.

Lunch: Veggie stir-fry and fried rice leftovers. Milk

Dinner: I have no idea. Most likely a lot of salad. Water or V8 to drink.

work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger

Day 10

2009-09-10T14:47:00.003-05:00

45 minutes on the incline bike. Walk a half mile. JOG A HALF MILE. The 1/2 mile is conquered. But I pushed just a smidge too hard to get it. But I can do it. Half mile ain't got nuthin on me.

Breakfast: Chopped pineapples (yum!). Water
Lunch: Leftover barbeque, slaw, hushpuppies. Diet V8 Splash.
Snack: Chopped pineapples (yum!). Water
Dinner: Brick oven cooked pizza. Water, Red Sin.

Luckily the pool will open back up next week. I think I'm going to focus on the incline bike for my workouts, though. At least until I get my tibialis anterior muscles a little stronger. Shin splints are bad.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 9

2009-09-09T16:39:00.002-05:00

Cardio week continues! Incline bike for 30 minutes crazy hard. Walked/jogged a mile. Actually jogged a quarter mile without stopping. Massive improvement! Maybe I can hit a half mile by the end of the week. The only thing stopping me from another lap this time was congestion combined with a little thirst and a slight cramp in my left tabialis anterior. Better stretches! Water! Push it!

Breakfast: VitaminWater - Power-C.
Lunch: Arby's Roast chicken sammich combo. Cheerwine. Yes, terrible me, fried potatoes and soda. Wednesday is my "bad day" I think, but overall it's not terrible. Next time I'll go sans fries.
Dinner: Darrell's with my grandmother before choir practice. Probably a BBQ plate with slaw and some other kind of reasonably healthy vegetable. Cheerwine to drink.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Pour mon ange.

2009-09-09T08:56:00.002-05:00

I am a martyr.
I will sacrifice of myself
Whatever is needed
To win your love
My worth to prove.
Let me be your martyr.
Let me be your knight.
Let my sword and shield
Be in your service.
Be my angel.
Sing your songs to me.
Whisper your love in my ears
And my heart.
Bring your gentle touch
To soothe my heart's pains.
Light down here to me.
I have one wing.
I cannot fly on my own,
But I have when you have been with me.
Let me soar again.
Bring your light back
On the wings of your love
And chase away the pain
And loneliness of my darkness.
Embrace me again.
Let me love you once more.

te amo sempris

Day 8. 265lbs.

2009-09-08T15:50:00.003-05:00

A week before I started working out for serious, I weighed in at 274 (after breakfast). The first day of Operation: Get Awesome, I was 270. After today's "fasting" and workout, I clock in at 265. It's improvement. A reasonable rate, really, but not good enough. But then, my diet hasn't been super healthy, either.

This week, that changes. No white bread. No fried potato products. I won't say no soda, because I do love me some cold caffeine, but no more than a single 12oz. can a day. Serious focus on portion control, and the injection of a whole lot more fruits and veggies, solid or juice form, as I can make it happen. I don't control the pantry and fridge in the house, so I do have to make do where I can. I'm discovering I can be satisfied with less. The last time I ate Arby's was their chicken salad sammich combo, which would have done me just fine with just the sammich alone. Also, I am keeping a close watch on the "eating because I'm bored" thing. It's a temptation to sit and snack. Gluttony is my "big sin" so it's the one that tempts me hardest.

Brunch, after a fashion: reuben wrap, potato wedges, water. This was a very late night meal last night/this morning with John and KC. I slept in until around noon, then work out at 3PM. Lack of hunger means not eating.
Dinner: Roast chicken breast and thigh, roast potatoes, slaw with a salad consisting of spinach and field greens with carrots, raw broccoli, tomatoes. Diet V8 Splash.

pour toi, ma coeur

Day 7

2009-09-07T18:39:00.002-05:00

Today, no YMCA access. So I have to improvise.

Breakfast: Caesar salad. Water.
Lunch: Broccoli Cheese Calzone. Water.
Snack: Whole wheat cheese crackers, peanut butter; one serving (according to the packaging) of each. Water.
Dinner: Leftover roast beef, carrots, potatoes. Enough for a bowl. Milk.

Today's exercise is just going to be walking around for a loooong time. But that's ok. I have head phones and wrist/ankle weights for added difficulty.

Tomorrow, I weigh myself again, take new pics. Oh. Yay.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 5, Day 6 - Weekend 1

2009-09-06T18:25:00.003-05:00

So I'm not doing a lot by way of "organized exercise" on the weekends. Muscles need rest, but I'm trying to stay active. Still working on the whole eating healthier thing.

Saturday
Breakfast: Three Krispy Kreme donuts. Shut up, Krispy Kreme is made of crack. They were hot and fresh. There is no resistance. Can of Cheerwine.
Lunch: Roast beef, potatoes, carrots, lima beans. Glass of Milk.
Dinner: Two slices of sauceless pepperoni pizza, two hot dog weiners. Lots of water. I hadn't planned on anything for dinner, as my breakfast was at around 11AM and dinner was late-ish, too, but my desert warranted having more on my stomach.
Desert: Glenlivet Nadurra, 16 year old single malt scotch. Ho. Lee. Cow. That was some damn fine scotch, but it packs a 59.7% alcohol content compared to the normal 40%.

Sunday
Breakfast: One donut. Glass of Cheerwine. Early morning on top of a late night. I needed some sugar and caffeine.
Lunch: Bojangles. Chicken breast and leg. Dirty rice, cole slaw, 2 biscuits. Lots of water.
Dinner: Part of a broccoli and cheddar calzone, caesar salad. Lots of water. And I'll have enough for lunch tomorrow! Huzzah!

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 4

2009-09-04T15:10:00.003-05:00

Today's menu is a little healthier. Hopefully the trend will continue!

Breakfast: Bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. VitaminWater Power-C. I know there's a lot of fat and sodium there, but protein is really good first thing in the morning.

Lunch: Rice with mixed vegetables (broccoli, peppers, carrots, etc). 12oz. Cheerwine. I am allotting myself 1 can of soda a day. I don't have to drink it, and I hope to get to the point where I don't. But we have some in the house, and we're out of milk.

Snack: Special K protein bar. Diet green tea.

Dinner: Roast beef with roast potatoes and carrots, lima beans. Water.

"Dessert": Drinks for KC's birthday!

Today I went light on the exercise. I'm starting to get a bit snotty. I think it's fall allergy time, hooray. So while I'm waiting for the loratidin to dose up, I just did aerobics. Walked a mile and a half, elliptical for half a mile, biked a mile, hit the crunch machine. They're closing the pool for a week to do some upgrades, so I'll have to switch to more walking for the next week. It makes me sad.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 3

2009-09-03T17:12:00.003-05:00

I've got to get on top of this whole food thing. It's not bad, and better, but not good enough yet.

Breakfast - Turkey and cheese sandwich on wheat. 12oz. of Cheerwine.
Lunch - Turkey and cheese sandwich on wheat. 12oz. of Cheerwine.
Snack - after workout, some wheat crackers with peanut butter. Water.
Dinner - New York style Danny's pizza, 2-3 pieces. Water.

Overall it's not too bad, but it could be better. I need to drink more water and less soda. It's hard. Because Cheerwine is so awesome.

I've hit the routine for the workout. Tuesdays and Thursdays are leg days. I've got to work harder on my legs. I don't even feel anything right now. But the lap swim is still awesomely hard.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 2

2009-09-02T16:23:00.002-05:00

Alrighty, two days running! New record!

Food for the day. Not as healthy as I'd like, but sometimes I work with limited options. And I love Cheerwine. And Darrell's.

Breakfast - steak biscuit with 12oz. can of Cheerwine and a 16oz. bottle of V8 Splash.
Lunch - Arby's Chicken Salad Sandwich (on wheat) combo with potato cakes and half pink lemonade/half unsweetened tea.
Dinner - Darrell's, bastion of healthy food! Burger with tots and Cheerwine.

Today I started "the routine" at the gym. M, W, F - Upper body. T, Th - Lower body. Abs and cardio every day. Today I didn't swim, as I left my trunks at home. I walked/jogged a mile, and did two miles on the stationary bike. I worked every muscle I could think of on the upper body, arms, shoulders, neck, etc. Ended up spending about 50 minutes total working out. My body is likely to hate me tomorrow, but oh well! My arms get a break and I don't have to worry about hauling books around since I don't have classes tomorrow.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Examination of a Phrase

2009-09-02T10:33:00.002-05:00

Apropos of nothing in particular, I've always been amused by the prevalence of the phrase "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." The phrase is amusing to me on several levels.

First, that it seeks to excuse some kind of behavior. Does it aim to make it okay for a woman to fly off the handle because someone denied her or betrayed her? That's a horrible double standard.

Second, it's rather sexist, really, which just makes it that much funnier when a woman might hold the phrase over your head. It seems to suggest that a woman who has been spurned is more likely to exhibit some petty emotional reaction or plot some kind of hurt-filled revenge. Women are no more likely to this behavior than any given man. It's just a poor standard to hold.

Lastly, it's incomplete. It's only the second part of a full quote. And in my opinion the weaker of the two. The full line is "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." Now, for me, I think the notion of heavenly rage is a far more disturbing and scary one. No one is shocked when the forces of evil or corruption gives into temper or hate. But when a force of good and/or order unleashes its wrath, it is a far more noteworthy example.

Before anyone starts giving away knowing or worried glances, this entry isn't some kind of subtle warning. I've always wondered and pondered about the phrasing and its usage. Granted, recent events might have brought such feelings out in me, I am not a woman scorned, nor am I inclined to bring rage, heavenly or otherwise, against anyone.

I just have too much time on my hands to think in between classes, maybe. Heh.

now that-that-that that don't kill me

Sept. 1st - Day 1 - 270lbs. Let the carving begin.

2009-09-01T13:01:00.005-05:00

Today begins the dieting and exercise for reals. I had tried to at least watch what I ate over the summer, exercise something like regularly, even if it was just walks around the neighborhood. I couldn't make that stick, for a lot of reasons.

But I have a workout partner now. And that's going to help me bunches. Hopefully, I will be able to get 5 days a week worth of workouts, preferably Monday through Friday. Around an hour a day spent lifting weights, then swimming laps. I'm hoping this will work swiftly. It should boost my metabolism pretty quickly, but I'm not as young as I used to be. And I've got someone to push me and, maybe, for me to push. It's a lot easier for me to push myself if I'm pushing someone else, too.

So here's what I'm going to try and do. I've got mad downtime during the day between classes, so I'm going to try and keep a daily log of what I eat and what exercises I do that day. I'm not going to weep and gnash my teeth if I eat unhealthy, so you, gentle readers, don't need to do so, either, unless I go really nuts several days in a row. I will weigh myself once a week first thing in the morning like I did this morning. Next weigh-in: first thing Tuesday September 8th. I'm also going to take pictures right after the weigh-in, but those I don't think I'll post. Forgive my self-consciousness. No one wants to see fat dude shirtless with stretch-marks. At least, I don't.

Today I had breakfast/lunch consisting of a 6" chicken teriyaki Subway sub on wheat with spinach, lettuce and banana peppers, two slices of thin crust spinach alfredo pizza and a slice of deep dish pepperoni with two cans of Cheerwine. Now, before I get angry replies, it was a slice too much probably, but I was crazy hungry at noon and my eye were bigger than my stomach. I'm also trying to eat up the leftovers. And it was two meals together. Not great, but not terrible. I'm not going to do any more soft drinks today. Milk, water, juice.

No workout yet, but I have to wait on my partner/ride. This afternoon will be t3h workouts. I'll update the blog when I've come back from the gym.

UPDATE: First workout is done! I feel awesome! I didn't really work anything specific, just really getting myself familiar with the machines. I did so miss the leg press. The machines I am likely to hit will be incline press, rowing machine, leg extension and flexion machines, leg press, curl and reverse curl. Throw in some dumb bells for curls. I'll likely alternate lower body and upper body. I did that for about 30 minutes working fairly fast, not stopping much. Heart rate, it was up. The real kicker was swimming. I did that for about 20 minutes total. I'd swim breast stroke for as many laps as I could, then stop and tread water and catch my breath. Then back to swimming. I like the breast stroke. It works the legs, arms and my abs. I am sore, but I am feeling good.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Je returne?

2009-08-19T20:23:00.001-05:00

So I have a lot of down time between classes. But my brain is actually firing on more than one cylinder for a change (y'know, actually needing to do more than the automatic functions required for continued existance) and that means I actually get creative impulses for a change. And I need to also take a look at my song collection. I have more...poignant? music than I thought. Random, my foot.

So a po-em. I make no promises as to its quality.

God is love.
Love is music.
Music is God.

Ok, that's the philosophical "truth" I've stumbled on. And now the po-em.

Your love is the music I heard,
The song my soul was made to sing.

The song is gone.

Bring your love back to me.
Bring back your song.
The song became dischord.
I know it's my fault.
My voice lost the key.
I was deaf to your pitch.

I have been made to hear again.
But all I hear is silence;
Overbearing, deafening silence.
I have been made to hear again.
My ears have been opened.
I kneel in penitence before you.

I hear no more music.
I can sing no song.
I can only remember what it was
Once when I sang with you.

Please bring your song back to me.
Let me sing with you again.
Whispered verses,
I miss you.
Spoken choruses,
I love you.
Panted descants,
I need you, I long for you.
Melody's crescendo!
Touch me, love me, I am not afraid.

Ma petit chanson, je t'adore pour tous les temps.

te amo sempris

TV Reviews!

2009-04-19T14:32:00.002-05:00

Ok. So. Castle. It's a new series on ABC. Nathan Fillion plays a writer of detective mysteries. He ends up involved in a murder investigation that copied some of the murders in his books. He helps a savvy lead female detective solve the murder and, using his connections in the mayor's office, gets himself attached to the unit he worked with so he can annoy, help, and get inspiration from Det. Beckett. It's got clever writing and Nathan Fillion plays his usually smartassery to a fantastic tee!

Other shows I've been watching that are awesome:

Breaking Bad - It's just an intriguing drama. High school chemistry teacher is a scientific GENIUS. He's diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, and, through his DEA brother-in-law, gets the brainstorm to get into meth production. Not really a "hero" story, but a very interesting look at humans in extreme circumstances. The breakdown of the "good" teacher, but the slow redemption of the teacher's former student, a meth dealer and user. (AMC)

Burn Notice - Bruce Campbell. Enough said, really, but I'll go on. CIA operative gets framed and put on a tight leash in Miami. He is joined by on-and-off again girlfriend, Fiona, ex-IRA trigger bunny, Sam (The Bruce!), ex FBI, and his mother. He uses his skills in a pseudo-A-team, pseudo-Robin-Hood sense to help people in need while looking for the ones responsible for putting him in his current state. Very smart, very clever. (USA)

Chuck - I've spoken on this one before, but it stays just as good as the series keeps going. (NBC)

Heroes - Not everyone likes it. And it's easy to get lost, but I've stuck with it. Having access to torrents of the HD versions of the episodes help, visually. It's a good show, still, in my opinion, if a bit opaque at times. The latest episodes have started to clear out some of the murk and stabilize the show. (NBC)

House, MD - Come ON! How can you NOT like this show? It's a great medical mystery show. I like watching Wilson and House's dynamic and the continuing evolution of the characters. And it's on Fox, of all thing. WTF? (FOX)

Star Wars: The Clone Wars - You can all just shut up. I like it. It's entertaining. It fills in the gap of "greatest star pilot in the galaxy" you don't see in the movies a whole lot. Plus the art style is compelling and unique, in my opinion. It's fun! (Cartoon Network)

The Tudors - Period drama. Great costumes, but a few historical liberties. No less entertaining for it, though. Typical premium cable swearing and nudity, but not a prime focus, thankfully. (Showtime)

Transformers Animated - Such a fantastic homage to the original G1 series and the movie(s). Some poeople don't like the stylized art, but I do. Makes the toys fun, too, and provides a contrast to the hyper-realism of the movie(s). Megatron is awesome and cunning instead of prone to histrionics. Starscream is actually compentent, even capable. Good stuff. (Cartoon Network)

i want my (m)tv

Tired of Looking at it

2009-04-17T02:48:00.002-05:00

So I posted something else. Bwahaha?

In other news, that's more of the same, I am, continuously, looking for employment. I am in no fear of starving or homelessness, but I am running quickly broke. I am, one way or another, going to school full time in the fall. I'm tired of sitting around talking about it. So I'm doing it. Most likely, it will be an institution within an hour or less of where I am now. UNCG and Catawba are the most likely candidates at this point. I just need a little cash between now and then. It doesn't have to be great pay or even full time. A summer job. I've got a lot of retail and pc technician experience and I've worked with kids for a few years. I might see if the YMCA is hiring summer help for programs there. Might be worth it for the access to a better priced membership.

I'm reading a lot. Wasting a lot of time on video games, movies, tv shows. I'm actually playing RPG's again with some of the old gang, so that's fun. I've started messing around with my various Warhammer and Warhammer40K armies, I just to need to see what kind of supplies I have on hand, go from there.

My room is in a state that, at first glance might be confused with tidy. It is, at least, clean. Though I'd much rather be busy, paid, and a mess.

For anyone that didn't know, I fasted for Lent, using a variation of the Ramadan fast. I ate nothing from sun up to sun down. After dark, I would eat a regular meal, but keeping an eye on portions and content. During the day I could drink anything I wanted that was an actual drink. Oddly, I avoided regular soda. No shakes or smoothies, but water, juice, milk, energy drinks were all ok. The Fast served several purposes. The first was as a religious observance, sharing in the suffering of Christ's 40 days in the desert. The second was taking a conscious look at what and why I was eating at any given point, paying attention to the difference between satisfied and full, and making a conscious effort to cram as much nutrtion into any one given meal and avoid empty, fast meals like McDonald's, etc. The third was as a means of jumpstarting a change in diet and lifestyle to trim down.

Weight I am unconcerned with. I'm ok weighing 300 lbs. if I have a trim stomach. That being said, I started Lent at 265. At last weigh (this morning) I weigh 255. Not a huge leap for the almost 7 weeks of Lent, but it's a move in the right direction. I spent a weekend in Boone a couple of weeks ago and went around to a few spots to look at employment possibilities (I also looked seriously at App State for schooling) and I actually managed to get into a pair of jeans with a 34 inch waist. Not terribly comfortably, but it was something I haven't been able to do at all in years. They were cut horribly for anyone that possessed any kind of male anatomy, though. On sale or not, I wasn't buying them in 34 or my usual 36. So there. I'm trimming down. I wish I knew someone in the Salisbury area to workout or exercise with. I'm terrible lazy and I do better when I've got someone to help push me along. I try my best, though. I eat significantly less than I use to. This isn't to say I'm crash dieting or starving. I just ate too much too often. Stuffing yourself with good food from time to time is ok. I'd say healthy, but I have a whole mind-body-soul approach to health, not just one part at a time. You just can't push the full button everytime you eat. There's no point. I also eat when I'm hungry, only. I don't eat when I'm bored anymore. The Fast helped kick that habit. I do have some willpower.

So that's the news. It's not much. But I haven't posted in months and I was tired of looking at my last post.

i feel i must interject here

The Return of Bad Year 2002

2009-02-02T16:43:00.002-05:00

Ok, so the title is a very obscure reference to some of my earliest posts on Blogspot. But it's my blog and I'll allude if I want to.

So here's my theory, and I'll go into greater detail in a moment.

My life has a certain resonance with the number 13 and it's shunned/cursed/hated/unlucky nature and reputation. As such, looking back at my life, I have had two "cycles" in my life. One good, the latter full of turmoil and drama. Angst, poor choices, bad luck, etc.

The first 13 years of my life were, if not Rockwellian, good years. I don't remember wanting for something, much less needing anything. I was well provided, loved. I was encouraged. In general a bright, happy youth.

The summer after my 13th birthday, my parents split up. Things kinda went down hill from there. I don't blame the fates or the stars for the things I could control. If I had bad grades it was because I was lazy or refused/forgot to take my medications. If I had good grades it was because I was (and still am, some decisions notwithstanding) and interested in the subject matter. I had no control over the unpleasantness of my parents' separation and subsequent divorce. I had no control over the changes in my brain and physiology as I changed from boyhood to teenhood to manhood. I didn't have control over who found me attractive, but I did have control over my choices in relationships. I didn't make good ones sometimes. I had control over my decisions when it came to college, where I was going to go, whether or not I went to class. I didn't always decide well. I had some, but not complete control over my employment. Best Buy was mutually assured destruction. UNCG was not. I had some control over living arrangements, but didn't exercise the best judgement on when I finally bit the bullet and moved back to Salisbury. A lot of it was (and still is) issues with pride and hating to admit to anyone I need help with anything. A lot of it was stubborn inertia. I don't like ultimatums, I don't like being pushed. Keep pushing and I will push back even if I really need to go in the direction I'm being pushed. It's not smart sometimes, but it's who I am.

Anyway, I'm 26. I'll be embarking on a new 13 year cycle this May. And, by every sign, chart, and calculation, it should be an upswing. But then, it wouldn't take a lot to go into an upswing at this point.

I harbor a secret of sorts. It's embarassing, really. I don't have a valid driver's lisence. The reason is stupid. I was stupid. Too much burying my head in the sand, not enough asking for help and admitting I made a mistake. The saga goes back to 2001, and some unpaid tickets for an expired tag. Please, don't lecture me on how stupid it was. I know it was stupid. I've talked a lot about getting it fixed, and I never did anything. I did a little preliminary research, but always dropped it along the way. I get easily distracted from the things I don't want to do. Always have. But on the 20th, two Saturdays ago, I was driving home from work (again, no lecturing please) and a lady ran a red light and took the front end off the Honda I was driving. It was all but mine. I paid $650 to get it back running again right after Christmas. I had plans for that car. It was a good car. We had owned it for about 10 years, and dropped about 150,000 miles on it. I mourn her passing. But, of course, that means that the police would be involved. And that means my driving record will be involved. Which means that I am forced to do what I was already doing. I had been in contact with an attorney in the county of the original offence the week prior attempting to get a game plan in order. I was putting things in place. I was even getting on the phone and making sure UNCG sent my W-2 to the right address. And I had even purchased the Hayne's Repair Manual for that model of Honda. So of course I'd get into an accident. And even though it wasn't my fault (she ran the redlight, but with a lack of 3rd party witnesses, the accident was ruled as No Fault Found), I was still driving without a lisence. So I still got a ticket.

But yeah. I've got a court date. I've got an attorney. I've got a game plan, and W-2's and conveniently timed paychecks. My ducks are getting in their rows. And I really think I can be valid and legal and everything well before my birthday. This puts a serious curtail on paying off my debt, but this issue is decidedly the higher priority.

But I still need a dependable ride to work. Blah.

i fought the law and the law won

All told, not too bad.

2008-12-14T17:02:00.002-05:00

So I thought my weekend was going to suck. I didn't find out until late in my work day Friday that I was going to have to work yesterday. I was supposed to have yesterday off, allowing me all day Saturday to hang out with Hannah in the mountains. But that didn't quite work out. Friday and Saturday were both exhausting days at work, but I managed to clean out nearly the entire bench (again) by around 5PM Saturday. I also got a quick refresher in laptop power jack replacement and, more importantly, the permission to use our soldering/desoldering equipment at work for personal stuff. The boss was actually glad to let me since I need that kind of experience. Desoldering I can do no problem. I just need to work on the actual soldering part. But at the end of the day (despite having cleared nearly customer's computer in the store off the work bench and into the ready-for-pickup queue and the boss still asking what I did while he was out) the boss brought in some very good beer. He does this two out of three Friday/Saturdays. I don't know why, but he does. It is free beer. I complain not.

But Saturday morning, Iesu Cristo. I didn't want to go in. This is not usual for me. I just wanted the day off like I was supposed to. But I leave with time, I thought, to get in on time. But, alas, the World had other plans. Not only does the NCDOT think that two weekends before Christmas is a great time to take one of the narrowest parts of I85 and make it one lane, but they do so right on top of my exit! And! My car starts sputtering and vibrating alarmingly rough as it dips into lower RPMs. So much so that it cuts off on me more than once on the short jaunt to work from the highway. It felt like one of two things. Either really low oil or no gas. But neither are the case. The Honda was known to leak/burn oil. So, being the tinkerer that I am, I started looking into ways to fix that. I might have been a little too industrious in my attempts, and then forgetful of said attempts. Thinking the oil might be low, I checked it, adjusted (or what I thought) for the engine having been running and added a quart. The problem, I think is a combination of overfill and the oil filter not having been changed in years before I changed the oil last time. Today I drained the oil and replaced it, leaving the "new" filter on. It's running better, but I suspect changing the filter would help. But I didn't really have the time, space, or inclination to perform a full oil change in the cold of the mountains with only about 2/3 of the tools and such I needed.

I don't know what it is, but I love fixing things. Computers, now cars. I might just be on my way to becoming a gearhead as well as a computer geek.

I haven't really done anything else today. I bought pizza for lunch, and enough for Hannah and her sisters to have some leftovers for breakfast or so. And overall, I've just been relaxing in the comfortable cool weather, but I'm ok with that.

In geek news, Hannah and Sarah seem interested in Mordheim. This makes me happy. I miss that game and I've been itching to play for a long time. Also: I fixed an HP zv5000 that Fisher once had. It still has the broken power button, but I've figured out a workaround. And this very post is being brought to you, live (sorta), from it's exposed and somewhat amalgamated form. Overall, I like it more than I thought I would. 17" widescreen monitor. The P4 cpu isn't the best performer, but it does what I need it to do. And having a gig of RAM in the thing helps. I might try installing Ubuntu on this thing sometime next week. We shall see. For now, I plan on it being my mostly portable recepticle of music and internet access with abroad. It is named The Holy Tome. I think it's appropriate. It's about the size of a "pulpit bible," it can hold all of my music, and it can access the Great Intarweeb Oracle of the Tubes.

So yeah, all in all, it's not been too bad a weekend.

through the lost endless mountains so far away from home...

Chai-chai-chain...

2008-12-02T02:18:00.001-05:00

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose whatever, I'm just bored, but if you want to do it, super. I need something to read and I can't sleep. But most of you will see this tomorrow. Or today. Or when I'm not insomniatic. Right.

1. I am medically impossible. My existence is in defiance of the Prince of the World.

2. I am a White Knight, a warrior of spirit. I fight my battles every day, but few see what I fight. I fight ignorance, I fight intolerance, I fight hatred. I fight for love, knowledge, wisdom, peace. I wage war against the spirits of the malevolent, both corporeal and infernal. I am of the White, and I wield it like a spear against the Dragon.

3. I have one tattoo. I want three more. The one I have is a verse from the Book of Job. One of the ones I want quotes the Book of Isaiah. "Isaiah 13:13 - Therefore I will shake the heavens, and the earth shall remove out of her place, in the wrath of the LORD of hosts, and in the day of his fierce anger."

4. I love Cheerwine. I love milk even more.

5. Broccoli is truly the king of vegetables.

6. Pipe organs are full of win and awesome. They are truly the King of Instruments.

7. One of the greatest jokes I've ever told was when I told someone to ask me if I was a tree. I said no. They didn't get it. But it was really facetious, not absurdity, because there are times when standing barefoot in the rain in the field that I really feel like a solid oak.

8. I drink for flavor, not for stupor.

9. I have an absurdly high pain tolerance.

10. I also have to often remind people that being able to handle pain does not mean I do not feel it. Nor does it mean I won't say something about it. And it especially doesn't mean I like it.

11. I am the rock. I am the stone. I am the very living mountain. I always feel much more at ease with solid mountain underneath my feet.

12. Once upon a time, I was a poet. Now I can only remember it when my mind is loosed from it's day-to-day braces, needed though they be, and allowed to run afield for a while.

13. I love food. I love buying it, smelling it, cooking it, eating it. I try to eat healthy. It helps that I like healthy foodstuffs. But I also believe in an afterlife, so squeezing out another year or two when I'm 80 by eating nothing but fish and organic fruits, veggies, and breads now seems like a poor trade.

14. You can have your swords and rapiers, your swashbuckling and your banter. Give me my polearm and I'll put an end to that swagger right quick.

15. I'm a registered Republican. I voted for Obama. I'm really a Libertarian, on a personal level. My favorite form of government is an Empire. Go ahead. Try to figure out my politics.

16. I don't like to fight. I don't like hurting people. Maybe you think I'm a coward. That's fine. But I do not have an infinitely long fuse. It can run out. If that happens, remember one thing: I don't care about me winning; only you losing.

I tag...meh, whoever wants to play along. Feel free to comment away!

Used to be so good...

2008-11-22T20:56:00.002-05:00

This whole blogging thing. I used to be more regular with it. I must not have as much to say.

Or more likely, I get too distracted by the intarweebs and forget I have things to say. Or that I could say. Or even would say. Or whatever.

I'm a month into the new job. Overall early impressions are good, both mine of the employer and the employer of me. I'm one of three employees, with the boss' wife making three and a half since she does the book-keeping. That means it's a much more intimate job than what I'm used to. With Best Buy in general, and Geek Squad in specific, it was very easy to blend into the background noise on most days. Just do the work, get my check, go home. I can't do that so much at Right Click. What with the Boss working right next to me on the computers. Most of the time, it's ok. But he's a very...particular person. And I'm still practicing his particular process. I feel like an apprentice of sorts. A journeyman level, at the least, but my boss is at least a level or two ahead of me. I wouldn't call him an artisan, but master for sure. So I carry on in my Journeyman Technician tutelage. It's a good job. I'm actually learning things. There's a whole lot more real potential for growth in my current job than anything I've done in the past. We're looking at a new location sometime in the near future. A much bigger place than our current (adequate) hole in the wall. And the initial problems I had seem to be fading. When I first started, most days I went in to work wondering if this was the day I would get fired. It might not have seemed quite so bad if I hadn't had so many very sudden dismissals in recent job history. It makes a man a might jumpy. But in talking with the boss this past week, and today even, there's strong hints of a possible raise or other bonus of some kind. Apparently even with the learning curve, I'm doing enough of what I'm supposed to be doing to make the money worth it. And that's saying something given the size of the operation and the current economic roller coaster.

Last night after work I hopped down the road to Little Dooey's to hear Bret Blackshear play some blues. That, alone, was worth the "trip" but several rennies showed up (plus the food was good) so a good time was had. Kristie, aka Cricket, brought her violin with her from a recording session with Bret's wife Kathleen, so she got up and fiddled a piece or two. All told, the crowd of friends and Bret made for a very amusing time.

Thanksgiving is coming up. Yay food!

This weekend upcoming I get to go up to Boone and watch App play football and other such fun activities with my dearest. It'll be nice to spend some time together without half a dozen or better teens running around. This weekend I had to work one day (today) but tomorrow I have off. A day with no obligations. I don't have ren-faire. I don't have to find a job. I don't have to do this or that to the car. I'll likely go to church. But even then, I'll still get to sleep in compared to a work day. Huzzah!

Christmas swiftly approaches! I'm excited this year for several reasons. Not the least of which is not having to worry about driving home. I'm at one of them already. Solves that little issue. I also actually have money I can spend on people. And I'm not saying that the only gift you can give is an expensive one. But even creative, personal gifts are hard to come by when you have less than no money like I have in the past. I'm catching up, saving, and I'll still have more than enough to give gifts to everyone. It's a nice feeling.

Also: it's cold outside. This makes me happy. Now if only it would snow. Here, Hannah. Boone doesn't do me much good as I don't live there.

i put 'er there to get 'er offa my mind

Art Quiz!

2008-10-23T21:47:00.000-05:00

Your result for What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test...

Conscientious, Fulfilled, and Spiritual

The Renaissance was a cultural movement that profoundly affected European intellectual life. Beginning in Italy, and spreading to the rest of Europe by the 16th century, its influence affected literature, philosopy, religion, art, politics, science, and all other aspects of intellectual enquiry. Renaissance artists looked at the human aspect of life in their art. They did not reject religion but tended to look at it in it's purest form to create visions they thought depicted the ideals of religion. Painters of this time had their own style and created works based on morality, religion, and human nature. Many of the paintings depicted what they believed to be the corrupt nature of man.

People that like Renaissance paintings like things that are more challenging. They tend to have a high emotional stability. They also tend to be more concientious then average. They have a basic understanding of human nature and therefore are not easily surprised by anything that people may do. They enjoy life and enjoy living. They are very aware of their own mortality but do not dwell on the end but what they are doing in the present. They enjoy learning, but may tend to be a bit more closed minded to new ideas as they feel that the viewpoint they have has been well researched and considered. These people are more old fashioned and not quite as progressive. They enjoy the finer things in life like comfort, a good meal, and homelife. They tend to be more spiritual or religious by nature. They are open to new aesthetic experiences.

Take What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test at HelloQuizzy

On Politics

2008-10-23T21:27:00.002-05:00

Ok. It's the middle of election season. And I've done what I can to keep out of the political discussions. I have many friends and loved ones from both ends of both camps and everything in between. I, myself, lean solidly to the right, but I understand the need for compromise and, sometimes, even change. Most of you know who I plan to vote for, and most also know why. And some of it has to do with who else stands by this person. Dean Smith (ok, that's kinda blind following, but it's also amusing/ironic to note it and it's just one of many), Andy m#####-f###### Griffith(!!!), and, I recently discovered, Colin Powell.

I read a blog. Shocking, I know. The author is a sci-fi/movie/pop-culture columnist and a sci-fi novelist. He is a moderate liberal. He is also an intelligent person, very witty, and an excellent writer. So I read it because it is amusing, even if he makes fun of conservatives. And even then, not all the time. He got just as mad at Democrats as he does Republicans in '04 when they snatched defeat out of the jaws of victory. But there's no doubt in my mind he's a patriot. His blog pointed me to the article I linked to some months ago about military funeral honors. And another post of his has touched along those lines with regards to Powell's endorsement of Obama. Read it here.

A full 360!

2008-10-20T21:39:00.002-05:00

Well, sorta. This will make for my 360th post on blogspot since I started this thing back in August of 2004. And, interestingly enough, I find myself in a similar position as I was then. I'm at my mother's, but making the best of things. It was a reasonably optimistic time for me then, and it is now. I have a chance and a plan and it all might work this time. I've said that before, but I've said that before, too. History doesn't repeat herself, but she does like to rhyme.

I started work today. Finally. The job is not new, but thanks to the person I'm working for, I learned several somethings today I did not know before. I was amused and amazed. I'll need to remember to leave the boots at home, though. There's not a lot of sitting around at this job, but I do get an hour for lunch. I've done the math and I should be bringing home about $1500 a month after taxes, maybe a little more. It's not bad. And the sooner I get into the swing of things, the sooner I'll be making more. I imagine I'll likely be doing even better by Christmas. The opportunities and growth just itching to happen there is very thrilling. This is where I am working. Check them out.

Third weekend of Faire went well, I suppose. Once again, I felt like I was the only chaperone. Maybe it's unfair to feel that way, but there was the Mamma D show the first weekend. Wes had meetings and Hannah was sick last weekend. This weekend Wes was working (no blame), Chris was sick, and Hannah had drill. If Chris were well, he, too, would have been at drill. Luckily we had "only" 8 of our 12. Next weekend, we should have a full compliment of cadre and a whopping 3 cadets. Yeah. And I still have to drive. How did that happen? All told, the season is going very well, I'm just having to do a lot of, like, work, y'know? And it's all hard and junk. I mean, who do they think I am, a responsible adult in a position of authority and seniority?! As if! Chah! What were they thinking?! Oh well. Just have to make the best of it. I also found that poly-pro tights make all the difference. Also, somehow, there is always more than enough food for the guards. It's like a total loaves and fishes scenario.

But I swear on things that people consider holy, I'm gonna bust some heads if the bickering and infighting doesn't stop. I've got a bloody show to put on, and if the gossip-mongers and pot-stirrers and dramaphiles don't quit interfering, there's gonna be pain. I'm a patient guy, I really am. But Jesus. Kids and adults. Bitching, whining, sticking their noses where they don't belong! If you didn't hear it from both sides involved directly, then shut up. You can't know the whole story just looking at two people. Never assume. Stop your scoffing and sneering. As long as it's not affecting the job or the show, shut up. If you have an issue with someone, say something. Don't yammer on about how awful it is, or how hurt you feel. If you feel left out, or your contribution was ignoring, or someone forgot you did this or that, then talk to them. But don't be a turd about it. Some things you can't help. It happens. Decisions and circles above your pay grade. It happens. And bitching won't change it. It'll only make others miserable, too. So quitcher bitchin' and get back to work. If you're asked to do something by someone who is your boss, just bloody do it. Don't do it long enough for the boss to go away. You don't have to like your bosses. But you are expected to listen to them if they give a reasonable order. Just try not doing something a boss asks you to do in the real world just because you don't like them and see what happens. Don't undermine a peer's authority. If they don't respect a peer's authority, how long before they stop respecting yours? And never take the quiet ones for granted. Maybe they don't do it for the accolades like some of you jack-offs. That doesn't mean they don't appreciate getting a little thanks now and then. But never assume that just because they've always been there and always done their job that they always will. Everyone has breaking points. Don't poke the bear. It's a bad idea.

it's astounding, time is fleeting, madness takes its toll

Weekday Update

2008-10-08T20:42:00.002-05:00

Good TV? What the heck? Season 2 of Chuck, Season 5 of House, Season 3 of Heroes. Lots of good stuff on.

Faire is running par for course. Last weekend was hecktacular. Opening weekend AND a Mamma D's show for the Sultan's Tent. It was hectic.

I have an interview tomorrow with a computer shop in Concord. It looks like an awesome setup. The coolest part, is I put in my resume this evening around 7:00-7:30. I got a call back and a phone interview about 20 minutes later. The result is a technical interview tomorrow morning at 11AM. This is the first real good lead I've had in months. Four months of this job search crap and a move back home later, and things actually look hopeful for a change. But I've got more applications and resumes to put in. I can't bank on anything actually working these days. Wish me luck.

i'm the dog, the big bad dog

Well. Here I am.

2008-09-23T12:08:00.002-05:00

So I've been moved out of Greensboro and (back) into my old room in the "basement" of my mom's house for about a week. It's not awful. I knew it wouldn't be. Of course, I would be moving in right when there's massive drama over my step-sister moving out. I remain unconcerned, not the least because if she moves out, it opens up a room for all of Chase's stuff. Chase took over the room Jerod and I shared when I moved out, but the little bugger's gone and gradumatated from the high school and has gone off to his freshman year at Averett University. Skywarp's set up. One of big bookshelves and one of the small ones are set up. My clothes are unpacked. Slowly, the room is beginning to resemble a living space and not a storage space. My cats have adjusted well. I'm an hour farther from Hannah than I was before, and that's unfun, but other than that one glaring exception, things aren't bad. Now if only this move will translate into work of some kind. I've got a lead or two I'm trying to follow up on, and some far off possibilities that I can't really count on, but hope for. We'll see.

No matter what happens, though, I want to be out by Christmas. And I will be out by the time Hannah graduates in May, or close to it. I like it here, but I'm 26. I'm not going to be that stereotype.

cause i wanna hear my record on the radio

Tattoo, yo.

2008-07-21T19:15:00.002-05:00

Surprise, Totally Delayed

2008-07-13T11:50:00.001-05:00

I got a tattoo. I don't have pictures yet. Pictures will follow sometime today.

Surprise Tomorrow!

2008-07-05T23:50:00.003-05:00

Or today. Or whatever. I got something super sweet and awesome this week. I'm just not going to tell anyone what it is until Hannah gets home tomorrow. Then I will take pictures and show and tell.

these are the hands that built america

Geek Cave v3.0

2008-07-05T23:26:00.002-05:00

Wes moved in and back out again in the space of a month. So that means we lost and gained back the front room back again. And I've spent the night moving the computer, desk, and TV back into the room. I've finally got my desktop set up on a taller table (our old dining room table) and the desk set up separately (either for my own craft work or for Hannah to use.) The TV, the cable, the router and my desktop are up and running fine and my bedroom is finally starting to cool down. And it's nice to have the front room open. Makes the apartment feel more open and large. I've got a little more room to work with, though. Maybe I should get a good futon setup or something. Ah well.

SO MANY MOVIES I NEED TO SEE ZOMGWTFBBQ!!!1

i say go, go, go!

Officially 26. Or within a few minutes.

2008-05-15T14:24:00.002-05:00

At around 3:30PM on May 15th, 1982, I was brought kicking and screaming into this world. The circumstances of my existence were then (and are now) pretty amazing. It looks like my 26th year could be even better than my 25th, and that's kinda saying a lot. Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes I've been receiving all day at work!

Request #3

2008-05-12T10:07:00.001-05:00

From Michelle:

"Um... nudist colonies?

No, wait! The proper way to braid a horse's tail!

Or How to battle against Athlete's Foot!"

These I'll address in order and succinctly.

Nudist colonies. Well, they're not for me and my preference for clothing, but if it's your bag, I don't see anything wrong with it. Some people have no problem not being clothed and being around those also not clothed. I know that the reality of nudist colonies are a large portion of people no one really wants to see naked for the sake of seeing something naked. There's a handful of pervs and exhibitionists, but they get a too titillated by nudity to really function.

Proper braiding of a horse's tail is a little more difficult for me to answer. I'm not a horse person, so I'm not speaking from a wealth of knowledge, but it stands to reason that as long as the braid doesn't irritate or hurt the horse, I see no reason why any braid you like couldn't work.

Athlete's Foot is a fungus. Plain and simple. And the easiest way to combat Athlete's Foot is prevention. Keep your feet clean and dry as much as you can. Wear clean socks everyday. Change socks if you've gotten them very wet either through sweat or water. This will also prevent blisters and resulting infections from torn blisters. As for what do when you get an infection, the answer is similarly simple. Pay close attention to cleaning your feet and purchase one of the multitude of over-the-counter products designed for this exact malady. Personally, I've never had Athlete's Foot, and I don't do anything special to my feet. But my feet feel so much better, as do I, when left bare as long as possible, so maybe fresh air is good, too.

I still have a small list of requests to work through, but if anyone has a topic they want to suggest, just leave a comment here and I'll get to them as I can in an order of my choosing!

Request #2

2008-05-08T07:20:00.000-05:00

So this isn't in order, but it seemed the most urgent of my spout of requests all of a sudden like.

"The appropriate method for offering sage counsel to the grieving."

This one is a little more difficult for me to answer, but maybe not for the reason you might think. I've always handled death very well. Maybe sometimes a little too well. But I do find myself comforting those in pain and loss. Simply, don't offer sage counsel. Words won't do any good right now. So just don't say anything. Physical contact, I've found, does so much more than any words one might offer. Hug someone or put your hand on their shoulder. Look them in the eye. But don't let go so soon. Hold them a few seconds longer than you otherwise might, and do so firmly, but gently. Sometimes that's all a person needs to feel comfortable enough to cry. And most grieving souls will cry; and they should. It's a natural part of the process. Just be there. Hug them. Hold them. Actions are the important part, not the words. Eoncourage the process from start to finish. And after a little while, you start to remind the grievers that the sun also rises, and this world still holds some goodness and death is not the end, nor the beginning, merely the next step.

John, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Hug your family for me.

Request #1

2008-05-07T15:49:00.000-05:00

From callmeserenity :

{ I stole this from tforawesome's LJ

Come Summer, Is There a Real Woman in This Multiplex?

And, also, if you could explain to me how the Hulk's shoulder muscles could be so enormously bulging that they give him the appearance of a turtle sticking it's head out of it's shell? }

Well, to deal with the first question, we need to look at the Modern American Male Pleb and the Corporate Marketing Sceme(read: Scam). And the fact that it's summer.

The biggest reason you won't see much by way of starring women this summer is, simply, because it's the summer. Some time in the past someone released one or several big action blockbuster movies during the summer and they must have performed reasonably better than their other seasoned counterparts. And ever since, Action movies MUST(OMFGWTFBBQ!!!1) be released during the summer or suffer from Epic Fail. And Joe Pleb don't want no woman gettin' in the way of his 'splosions. The article makes mention of some of the Apatow movies that have come out and are coming out. Which I find headache-inducingly lame in premise and delivery, personally. But low comedy appealing to the masses, etc. I'm not what you'd call a feminist by any means, but I wouldn't mind seeing a woman kicking some tail on the big screen. The only problem is the difficulty in making that work. Too often you get the hyper-butch Xena Warrior Lesbian result which has lots of emasculated and useless men. And, as you might imagine, this doesn't appeal to your target demographic of Summer Monies, the 16-30 year old male, which finds itself with lots of free time over the summer since school is out. This isn't a highly researched observance, but in my experience, you see a lot more guys at movies than girls in the summer. This is either the cause or effect of the Summer Blockbuster phenomenon, but it's there. And these guys aren't typically going to see Bull-Dyke Strike II: More Ball Kicking. And, really, the number of female movie goers that are interested in the further adventures of Bertha McMantits are significantly smaller than the women who want nothing to do with that kind of brainless popcorn munchers.

Let me digress by saying that, first, being an action movie that requires no thought isn't, inherently, a bad thing. Second, there's a lot of smart, witty, deep, or otherwise promising action movies slated for this summer.

Women, by and large, prefer character development, plot, tears, drama, tension, sisterhood, romance, crying, thoughtful and well written conversations in their movies. Like every bad Jane Austen book or movie ever. And someone somewhere said that kind of movie MUST(OMFGWTFBBQ!!!1) come out in the wintery times of the year. Again, it's hard to say whether drama hit big in the winter because of a higher population of female movie watchers, or if the movies brought the women.

It kinda makes sense, though. In the summer, men are more likely to goof off between semesters and have time to waste sitting in a sticky seat watching shit blow up. And since it's between seasons, there's no sports on TV. Because baseball(or NASCAR) on TV is a great nap inducer. And since women know men have all this goof-off time, they are apt to find some task for the men to do in the yard/house. Men, in a remarkable show of smartness, know this, too, and go out to the longest orgasmically pyrotechnic orgy they can find to get away from their nagging girlfriends/fiancées/wives. Women are more likely to have jobs or go out with their girlfriends to the closest outdoor bar and get wasted on appletinis in miniskirts and clingy tops. Conversely, Winter is Sports Time Prime with football and basketball in full swing. And the women have GOT to get away from their stupid boyfriends/fiancés/husbands and their stupid sports for the night, but have class/work in the morning, so they can't go "clubbing/dancing" in the summer.

So in conclusion, it's because the public are saps for "subtle" marketing scams perpetrated by movie theatres. If you want strong women roles, wait until the winter. Until then, endure whatever Boomfest your guy wants to take you to. Because he'll have to bear his way through whatever Weepmonger de Jour you take him to in the Winter.

A for Hulk's shoulder muscles...well...he is, y'know, the Hulk after all. His entire premise is Big Green Angry Anthropomorphosized Muscle. Plus he totally works his delts, man.

Open Call

2008-05-07T13:04:00.002-05:00

So I have this space here. And lots of free time at work for the moment. And often I have no idea what to write about because my day is, thankfully and unthankfully, fairly routine and unnoteworthy. So here's me calling out to all you out there who actually read my blogs. All three of you. If you've got an ideas for a topic to write about, leave a comment here and I'll put forth a honest-to-God effort into a blog about the topic. This might take a while if I don't know much about the topic. Or I might just make a willfully uninformed offering, as well. So there it is. I promise to be acerbically witty and/or informed and intelligent. Or at least make my best effort towards that goal.

Must Read

2008-05-01T11:55:00.002-05:00

As most everyone knows (or should) Hannah and Chris are members of the NC Nat'l Guard Funeral Honors program. I've tried, rather unsuccessfully, to express my feelings on this, and my pride in both of them. Esquire featured an article that all of you out there who claim either one or both of these two as friends should read. I've seen them perform these honors, and heard them talk about them. I know, personally, the care and effort they put into the difficult and powerful tasks they perform to honor their fallen brothers and sisters in arms, and those left behind, be they World War II veterans passing in their sleep attended by generations of friends and family, soldiers who have given their lives over seas leaving behind young and distraught spouses and children, or lonely veterans hospitalized in the VA's over-stretched but dedicated hands attended by a chaplain and a handful of caretakers. The honors are the same every time. And the dedicated and respect is the same. Every time. And they perform this honor and duty almost every day. And nearly always more than once in a day. Whether it's a stranger or a dear friend they have to present that flag to.

Read the article here.

Rennie Adoption: A Manual

2008-04-28T13:38:00.001-05:00

Welcome
Congratulations on your decision to adopt a Rennie! Many of these fascinating creatures are in need of good homes where they will be loved and cared for. While keeping a Rennie can be expensive, time-consuming, and sometimes confusing, the results can be well worth all the effort. A well turned out Rennie who is happy and healthy is amazing to watch in action. The guidelines below will help you care for your new charge, but they are only guidelines. Every Rennie is quite unique and you should get to know your Rennie's personal quirks, preferences and skills.

Introduction
The most important step in caring for your Rennie is selecting the right one. Rennies come in many varieties. You will find them of both sexes, and in every imaginable size, color, age, health and plumage. But, far more important than their physical differences are the differences in their personalities. Every Rennie has a very unique set of skills, preferences and attitudes, and you need to take these into consideration as you make your choice.

If you have a nervous condition, a Daredevil Rennie is not for you. Likewise, do not adopt a Fighter Rennie unless you have a large yard in which he or she can chase around other Rennies with a sword. If you have small children in the house, you might prefer to adopt a Rennie other than the Arms Collector, and if you like your nights silent, keep in mind that Stitching Rennies are known to stay up quite late, whirring away at their machines, punctuated by occasional loud bouts of cursing.

Food & Drink
Once you have selected a Rennie and brought him or her home, your first concern may be, "What do I feed this strange creature?" Luckily, most Rennies are not picky about what they eat, and indeed, will consume with relish most anything you offer them. Do not be afraid to offer your Rennie exotic or strange foods. They have a highly developed sense of adventure and will likely at least try whatever it is. Keep in mind, that through some strange quirk, your Rennie will enjoy almost any food more if it is presented on a stick.

Your Rennie requires large quantities of water. Your Rennie will want large quantities of liquor. There is a very fine balance between the two that you must find to keep your Rennie (and in cases of more belligerent Rennies, yourself) happy and healthy.

Rennies are very affectionate creatures, and will often cuddle and love on you for treats. Favorite treats tend towards chocolate or nice liquor, though your Rennie may have different favorites. Recently, several varieties of Rennie have devolved a taste for Sushi, so you may wish to try that as well.

Sleep
While your Rennie may seem to have inexhaustible supplies of energy, they need a good nights sleep like any other creature. When they are having fun, but are exhausted, usually at the end of a faire day, they may behave much like a 4-year-old, insisting on staying up and playing, "just a few more minutes." It is advised that you be firm with your Rennie and insist that they come home and go to bed. It is also advised that this will almost never work, and when it does, Rennie goodbyes have been know to take upwards to two hours at a large gathering. Sit down near the door and have another drink.

Grooming
Rennies take great joy in grooming both themselves and others and can take hours to prepare in the morning. Rennie females, in particular will often need the help of others in preparing for the day. While they may seem inconsequential or frivolous to you, each pin, knot, and accessory is very important to your Rennie. When your Rennie is being slow in the morning, exhortations of "Hurry up!" will not speed matters along. "What can I hold/tie/pin/pull/lace?" will work much more efficiently.

That being said, by the end of that self-same day, your Rennie may be unrecognizably dirty, disheveled and grungy, though likely quite happy. While Rennies appreciate and enjoy a shower or bath every day, like sleep, this is not always something they feel is required. If your Rennie shows no inclination to bathe after a long day, helping them undress and drawing a bath or starting the shower for them may encourage them to get clean.

Please note that your Rennie will take great joy in all their clothing and accessories, and will constantly want to be adding to the horde. Every once in a while, please go through all your Rennies "garb" with them and help them to let go of pieces they no longer wear. Promising to donate the pieces to another Rennie will help ease the pain of separation, as will offering to replace it with something the Rennie likes better. New garb can work as a treat even better than chocolate or liquor.

Under no circumstances get rid of anything from a Rennies garb without their knowledge and permission unless you want your sweet happy Rennie to instantly transform into Furious Rabid Fighter Rennie and attempt to take of your head.

Communicating with Your Rennie
Rennies are extremely intelligent, and will likely understand everything you say, possibly in several languages. It is far more likely that you will not understand your Rennie when they are speaking in BFA, Gaelic, Romany or some other obscure or not so obscure language. Also, they can get quite animated when speaking about their favorite hobbies or most history. The correct response to almost anything from, "I can't do French seams in the gussets in that camica because the twill is too thick to turn twice," to "Henry VIII and Cardinal Richelieu weren't even alive at the same time, and France and England were at war in 1620! They can't put the Musketeers in England!!!!" is a nodding of the head and saying, "Yes, yes, of course."

There are two terms your Rennie may use frequently that you will need to be familiar with right off. The first is a loud exclamation of "HUZZAH!" This is a Rennie sound of joy and excitement, something you wish to hear often. The second is "privy." Your Rennie is asking where the bathroom is, and you'd best show them quickly unless you want to be cleaning up Rennie messes. Eliminating in garb can be a difficult and time consuming process.

All other terms can usually be picked up with familiarity.

Your Rennie and Play
Rennies have a highly developed sense of play and will often play any opportunity they get. The idea of what is play varies greatly from one Rennie to the next, though they will almost always be happier to play in groups. Some may enjoy contact juggling, some fencing, some equestrian pursuits, some computer games. However nearly all Rennies, whether or not they are skilled, thoroughly enjoy the arts of Music and Flirting. Given a good tune and the opportunity to sing, stomp or clap along, most Rennies will be quite happy. Likewise, what may seem to the untrained observer as heavy duty sexual harassment is usually two Rennies who have missed each other's company greeting one another. Unless your Rennie looks truly upset, it is better to leave him or her alone in these situations. See more under the Breeding section.

Your Rennie also loves toys. Amongst Rennies, favored toys may be sharp, shiny, pointy, sparkly, made of wood, leather, metal, pottery or fur. Get to know your Rennie to discover his or her particular preferences.

Illness, Injury, and Keeping Your Rennie Healthy
For some reason not yet determined by modern science, Rennies seem to have a slightly greater concentration of conditions, which range from irritating to debilitating, than those not of the breed. Common ailments can include hypoglycemia, fibromyalgia, MS, diabetes, osteoporosis and a range of bum knees, trick elbows and the like. These will likely only slow your Rennie down, not stop them completely. Your Rennie and others around him or her are usually well advised on the maladies in the group and will band together to take care of one of their number that is ill or injured, so that they can all return to the fun as soon as possible.

An injured Rennie is for some reason fairly happy. They do like to show off gruesome scars and talk about their gory wounds. Should your Rennie become injured, your best course of action is to simply dress the wound, give them a drink of water and then your Rennie will go back to whatever it was doing. Except in the cases of extreme injury, they tend to be a hardy breed.

To keep your Rennie as healthy as possible, make sure that he or she drinks plenty of water, gets lots of rest and exercise and limit their consumption of fried food on a stick. Keep the supplies for dealing with heat stroke, sunburn, dehydration and hypothermia on hand, as these are the most frequent complaints. Make your Rennie wear sunscreen. He or she will protest this. Make them do it anyway. Make them reapply frequently and when they get burned anyway, make them put on Aloe gel. They will protest this as well. Insist. While Rennies are often extremely intelligent, sometimes they're not very smart.

Breeding your Rennie
Nearly all Rennies love children, whether or not they have one of their own. They like to play with children, talk to children and show children things that interest them as adults. The adult Rennies overdeveloped sense of play makes them perfect companions for children, barring a tendency amongst the entire breed to curse. A Rennie child very nearly is raised by a village and may have dozens of Aunties and Uncles not related to them by blood scattered all over the continent.

Despite decades of observation by many interested parties, no one has yet determined a successful program for breeding Rennies. Their sense of high drama, passionate natures, and overly affectionate friendships have clouded the issue so deeply that it is still a mystery how they manage to breed at all. So, should you wish to breed your Rennie, it is suggested that you adopt an already mated pair. Even that is no guarantee of success.

You Rennie may have its own ideas about breeding. The best course of action to take should this happen is to stand back and observe your Rennie closely. In the event of a heartbreak step in and feed your Rennie his or her favorite treats. While this will probably not heal your Rennie, it will make them more pleasant to be around until they find another potential mate.

Conclusion
While the above may make adopting a Rennie seem daunting, it is an enterprise with great rewards. They are attractive, affectionate creatures, who will brighten your life for many years to come. Thank you for your interest.

Reflections on a Rainy Monday

2008-04-15T10:54:00.002-05:00

Monday was...an experience. I haven't attended an unusual amount funerals in my life. But this was the first time I've ever been asked to participate in one. For those few of you who read my blogs and don't know, a friend and fellow cast member(if former) of CRF was hit by a drunk-driver earlier this month. Lisa Smith was certainly dedicated to our "little" faire as well as being a devoted officer of the law and veteran. We held her funeral yesterday in an appropriate miserable afternoon at the National Cemetary in Salisbury for the graveside service. Our friend (my roommate) Doug is a Reverend in the Universal Light Church and led a very moving and respectful service. I was given the task of the opening prayer. I struggled to come up with something. It may come to some shock to you, but rennies are not typically whitebread Christians. I, too, was caught completely unawares by this discovery. I am, however, a Christian. So I knew my prayer would be a true prayer to the God I believe to be the One and True variety, but I also knew that I was being asked to open not for myself, but for everyone there celebrating the life and mourning the loss of our friend. I picked "Sgt. Mackenzie" as the "bulk" of my prayer. "Sgt. Mackenzie" is a song written and sung in a true Scots dialect made famous most recently as part of the movie We Were Soldiers(why does Blogger lack underlines?!). I was more than a little nervous. I love to sing. Really. But I've grown very comfortable as a harmonic singer, rather than melodic. To the musically untermed, I mean I'm used to singing as part of a group, adding to someone else's lead. My vocal talents aren't unimpressive, but it's been almost two decades since I had any real training and many years since I did any regular singing. But I spent two days memorizing the song as best I could. I would have still preferred to have a headphone in an ear playing the song in my head as I sang along, but everyone says I did a good job with it. The funeral was recorded, so I'll have to watch to see.

And before anyone freaks about it, Lisa made a great number of friends in a great number of places. Many of these dear friends weren't able to attend because of distance and time. They are no less deserving of the chance to witness our send of than anyone who was able to attend.

I finished with a few words of my own, asking that God would hold us close to His heart and allow us to weep in His comforting arms and then move us to live and revel in the joy of our memories and the wonder of our world that we still remain in. I also quoted a verse from Revelations talking about how in the end, when God's Kingdom comes down from Heaven, there will be no more tears or pain. Our friend Jeff sang "Parting Glass" to tears. Doug quoted a few passages of scripture and spoke a touching eulogy. Lani sang and cried her way through "Merry Meet, Merry Part" on behalf of our dear friend and former queen Lolly Foy, who also loved Lisa.

To close it all off, Chris pull out all the stops for the veterans honors. He called two live buglers to play "Echo Taps," which was gorgeous. And the "big finish" was a six man flag fold with a three flag presentation. Performed with nearly perfect grace by the Royal Guard cadets. In Chris' words, "they learned in three hours what I went to school for two weeks to learn." The six man flag folding is a carefully coreographed fold with very precisely timed and executed movements. And the kids pulled it off beautifully. Even Wes put away his usual attire to dress in the red, black, and gold of the Royal Guard Company "E." I opted for my kilt with my black dress shirt and jacket and black tie. Black leather boots, belts, pouches and my grey fedora. I felt it an appropriate combination. Several people told me that Lisa would have been pleased to see me so "cleaned up" and that touched me.

Afterwards we all convened at Phil's for a much needed unwind and remembrance. There was a little drinking and a little eating, but mostly it was just a much needed and unspoken need to just be there with each other. To remember, to laugh, to joke. To affirm that we still live, and that while we still can, we must make our lives as full and rich as we can. And one of the best ways to do that is to enjoy the company of our friends and (man, I'm getting old) encourage the Next generation to do the same. "Our" kids did a fantastic job. From start to finish, they kept their composure. And afterwards, they thanked and were thanked by the other attendees of the funeral service and then just Lived like only youth can. It was a very moving day, all around.

ad amiculus absentia

Keep on Truckin'!

2008-03-10T11:49:00.002-05:00

This is, quite possibly, the best job I've ever had. I have my own desk and a huge office I share. My office mate is a cool guy and we get along great. We both mesh well with our supervisor. There's a comfortable amount of down time to spend doing whatever is available in the office (like post to my blog, heh). But there's enough work to keep us from getting bored. And some days we're busy all day. It's the same hours every day I work, which I like. But the actual work varies enough to keep it from becoming stagnant. I'm learning something new every day. The campus itself is beautiful even with no leaves on the trees yet. I spend a significant part of my day outside walking. It's just a great mix of things I enjoy. The weather's been pretty nice so far. I have a window that I open up most days (the heat is on and it really doesn't need to be) so there's a nice breeze in my office. And the fact that it has windows that open out to something other than parking lot is a great feature. Intrex and ElitePC+ had me stuck in the back with no windows most of the time. Bleh. And the amount of money I'm making is stupid awesome. And I love it. Even Mondays at 8AM are great. I actually want to come into work for once. How weird is that?

dolla dolla bill, y'all

First Impressions

2008-03-02T12:47:00.002-05:00

Well, it's been a week at the new job and I think I've got a winner. There's a little less PC work involved, but that just means there's more for me to learn. The job isn't hard but it's pretty straight forward. It's not easy, but it is interesting most of the time. My job is to maintain, repair, upgrade and install teaching workstations. These stations have a PC connected to the network at school, a DVD/VCR combo, a document camera, an external VGA connection, and a switchboard that controls all the devices and their inputs to the projector in the ceiling. It's just peripherals attached to a switch. The work we do is mostly entry level troubleshooting. Replacing burnt out bulb on projectors, replacing bad wires and connections, reseating pulled out wires, terminating and installing new cables. The most work I've done so far is just replacing a computer that had a bad drive. The hard drives are preinstalled and working, so all we had to do was replace the equipment and Bob's your uncle. Spring Break and this Summer will be a little more work as we'll actually be able to install whole workstations, thanks to students being not there. But I think it'll be fun. The people I work with are laid back and friendly. I'm really happy to have this job!

workin' for the man every night and day

Good news, everyone...

2008-02-18T15:36:00.002-05:00

I got off the phone with my contact at UNCG and I should be receiving my job offer as a PC Consultant from their office mid-late this week. This is beyond amazing news. This is exactly the kind of job I've been hoping and praying for. Minimum of $30,000 a year. My experience may net me a little more, but 30K is half again as much as what my highest paying job to date was getting me. State health benefits and the ability to use NC State Employee's Credit Union. And on top of all that, the college gives me free tuition on up to three classes a semester! Huzzah! H.H.Gregg is a decent job, not really any worse than any other retail position I've worked before. But the pay is too inconsistent and I'm not a fan of never having weekends off. At all. UNCG will be 8AM to 5PM, but I can get in a routine for that with relative ease, since those will always be my hours. And I'll have weekends free! This much greatly is the exciting for me!

whaaaaaaaaaaa?

New job, new comic, etc!

2008-01-18T00:53:00.000-05:00

First off, I haven't posted lately because I've been more occupied with trying to get a new job. For those of you that don't know, I worked the job at ElitePC+ for all of three weeks before the bosses there decided to close down the retail location on December 17th. I was supposed to get my first pay check on the 15th, but never did as my immediate boss got sick and couldn't open the store. I immediately began looking into new employment, while waiting on my check, which was "in the mail." I waited and waited. Finally, after having great difficulty, I was able to get my former immediate boss on the phone on the 27th (right around when I should have received my second and final paycheck) to ask what was going on. He told me that his bosses had told him checks had been sent out on the 26th of December. Mail is slow on the holidays, so I waited patiently. Sort of. Many attempts at regular communication with my old boss failed, as per usual. No paycheck. On the first weekend of January, I was supposed to meet a guy and he was supposed to give me my check. I was early and stayed more than an hour after he was supposed to be there. Nada. Angry emails and voice messages ensue and I finally get a contact email address for my boss' boss. Just in time for the email server to have some conveniently inconvenient problems. Then my boss was supposed to give his boss an angry phone call to call me back within the hour. When that didn't happen, I was supposed to give my old boss a call and he would give me his boss' phone number. This was last Saturday and, of course, I haven't heard from my old boss. So Tuesday I filed with the NC Dept. of Labor with the incredibly sparse contact information I had, and we'll see if I ever see that $1260 I'm owed. Of course, from what I've been told, the NCDOL usually gets the employer to give twice that as compensation. I'm ok with that. I was still really worried about money, and still am truth be told, but not as much. Until that gets settled I'll at least have some income starting Monday.

I've done my usual gamut of applications in the area in gradually increasing distances, but there were a couple of jobs I felt much better about. I found that UNCG was hiring a PC Tech Support position or three, so I put in there, but in the conversations I've had with their coordinator, and my knowledge of how these things go, it's a slow process. I did have some luck with a new electronics/appliances retailer here in town called hhgregg. All lower case and in one word, according to their logo. I interviewed Thursday and they called me today to ask if I can start next Monday. I'm a little nervous, though, because your pay is based on commission only. I think I'll be ok, though, given what I know I can do in a retail environment like that. But it'll be different not having the safety net of that regular pay. Still, it'll be nice to make money based solely on performance. If I'm as good as I think I am, I should be sitting pretty. I'm still going to pursue the UNCG and/or similar jobs, though. I didn't really want to go back into retail again. I'm good at it and I have experience in it, but it's just not what I want for a career.

And without further ado(do), here's another comic.

after all, what's life without work?

Jed & Dark, vol. 2

2007-12-31T13:36:00.001-05:00

Yes, folks, I'm beginning this madness once again. The sprite sheet rebuild will slow down any plot, so the first bunch of episodes will likely be contrite means of introducing my new sprites. Huzzah and all that. Happy New Year!

return of the mac

Holidays...OF DOOM!!!1

2007-12-07T10:15:00.000-05:00

Not really, of course. It's just fun to put "OF DOOM!!!1" at the end of something. So here's some quick-fire updates.

Work is still good. Not being broke is immensely useful. I'm working out a budget and/or plan to get a lot of things back on track which all should go into effect at the start of the year. Saving! Investing! Oh my!

The cats are, well, cats. But they seem to be happy and healthy enough, and that's all that really needs to be said about that, I think.

Once a room is cleaned, it doesn't take all that much to keep it that way. Who would have thought? Maybe those parent types actually knew something after all. Kinda scary, huh?

Yay party this weekend! It'll be good to see all my Charlotte ren-friends again. There's something comforting and almost medieval about Phil parties. We show up, we eat, drink, laugh. There's a pack of dogs rolling about all over the place. We sleep where we crash and start over again the next day. Truly, an image of Heorot. And this suits my blood just fine.

It's finally close enough to Christmas for me to not hate incessant Christmas music. I spent most of last night organizing my collection of songs, as well as ripping a lot of cds I'd forgotten I had into iTunes. "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" has always been one of my favorite Christmas carols/hymns. "Oh Holy Night," "Carol of the Bells," and "Angels We Have Heard on High" rank pretty high up the list, too. Add in a mix of Manheim Steamroller and Trans-Siberian Orchestra into a blend of the likes of Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, and Burl Ives and you've got my mix o' Christmas songs. And the ubiquitous Barenaked Ladies version of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" with Sarah McLachlan because it's just that awesome.

I should probably get back to work.

come thou dayspring

Get Comfortable...

2007-11-20T17:37:00.000-05:00

...this is going to be a long one.

Mostly because it's been over a month since my last post. Heh.

First and foremost, faire was a blast and I'm sorry it's over. My body and sleep schedule aren't, but I am. The kids were absolutely fantastic this year. They're a hit with everyone there. Or at least anyone that Chris and I have deemed worthy of consideration. Each weekend their drum jam got more and more spectacular, and it seems the last weekend was beyond phenomenal. Our good friend, Pirate Lisa, inducted each of the guards as honorary members of the Order of St. Anne, which is a real and good and true order of some note. The kids also received the Director's Choice award from Matt, our kind, benevolent and patient entertainment director this year. It has a place of honor in it's temporary location over my mantle in the living room. The cast party was fun, as it always is. I tried pumpkin beer/ale for the first time. So good! And I ate myself stupid. Huzzah! Really, the only reason we put up with ren faire and spend all the time, effort and money to go is the free booze and food after the last day. Heh. Hannah and I are already planning for next year, as are many of the kids. She's insisted on making me a couple of new doublets for next season. Twist my arm.

Speaking of next season, Chris and I are conspiring mightily. If one can even do that. We're currently researching the steps and such necessary to incorporate as a 501c(3) non-profit organization. He's really excited about the notion of carrying on the tradition of his leadership academy at what once was Imani Institute. The Lofton Academy/Foundation/Institute, which would be part summer camp, part after-school program. And the best and brightest from the program would be given the chance to join the CRF cast as royal guards in the years to come. The royal guards showing the highest promise would be given a chance to branch out as their own characters, or to move on to the Fairhaven militia, which would require more thought, reliability, self-sufficiency, independence and responsibility than the Royal Guard. Or at least that's the notion at the moment.

Next season also looks good for me, as far as characters go. I didn't get to play a prince this year, because we had no king. If I were the queen's younger brother, and she were unwed, she'd not be queen and I'd be king, not prince. Hence, no prince for me. But it looks good for next year. We've got one or two really good candidates going for it next year, and I've got a good working relationship with both of them. But I'm all for Tom getting it. For no other reason than so Chris doesn't. Bwa-ha-ha. I will outrank him on stage! Though it'll be tough to let go of Captain Grey if I do get to play as Prince William next year. He's a very familiar beast to me. And I'll miss being directly involved with the guard I've struggled so hard to create over the last eight years. Granted, I'll still be in charge behind the scenes. And if I were prince, I could, technically give orders, but it's not the same as being the Captain of the Guard. It's just been so much a part of me for so long. But if I get the chance, I'm gonna take it. So there.

The apartment is starting to look like a habitable space again. I've made the living room back into a living room, no bachelor crash space. With the money I got from faire, I was able to afford a decent, inexpensive vacuum. Though I've probably put a year's worth of wear on the thing just vacuuming the living room. God knows when it was cleaned last. But it's already made a profound impact on the appearance of the place. I cleaned out the front closet, which houses the litter box, too. I made good headway, cleaned out all the trash, but it'll still need a little work again relatively soon. I must be getting old if it feels good to clean. Hmm.

And I start a new job on Monday. Intrex just isn't what I thought it would be. Promises made aren't being kept, and there's just no real money in it. Granted it was an alright job, and better than Best Buy, but it wasn't better enough. So I was just kinda looking around for stuff, and found a new competitor in town, Elite PC+. So I jumped ship and turned my coat inside out and I'll be making a little more money. With reviews every 6 months, not annually. It's kinda funny, too. I went in, asked if they were hiring, filled out an application. I checked back on it a few days later, and was told I would be called in a couple of days. The manager said if I didn't hear from him, to come in anyway. Turns out, he never intended to call, but was seeing if I'd come in. He scheduled an interview for this morning. And by "interview" he meant "come in so I can find out when you can start." I'm pleased with this arrangement.

The cats are fine, I'm reading a lot, and I'm cooking and eating healthier. Not that it'll matter after Thanksgiving, but you do what you can.

ciao

Boo! Hiss! Slacker!

2007-10-17T22:12:00.001-05:00

So it's been a few days, wanna fight about it?

A lot's been going on, and I haven't been able to sleep in since mid-September. Busy little bee. Two weekends of Faire down and things are going well. There were some paperwork issues, but those have been handled. Wes even got to teach the kids some stage combat techniques, very cool. The weather could have been cooler and there could have been some rain at some point ever, but so far the biggest complaints I have are climate and the hour at which I have to get up. Can't do a whole lot about either, so I do with what I have.

Work is work. It's not bad. I have mostly good days. I enjoy what I do. The other day I had to deal with Midget Lord Fontleroy and his bureaucratic control over the tech bench in Greensboro, but I've dealt with worse examples of douchery. He really can't complain about me working on my own machine when he won't let me work on anything new on account of me not being there but two days. Make up your mind, man. I could much rather like not having to drive to Winston-Salem three days a week. Even if I'm going from the shortest distance between the there and here to work, it's still taxing on me, my car, and my gas money.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Hannah will be there instead of at drill, huzzah, and it's supposed to rain this week, so maybe Fairhaven won't be a gorram dustbowl.

Clockwork Orange

2007-10-01T22:18:00.001-05:00

Today, after work, I picked up a new kitty. He's a little orange kitten. I have named him Clockwork. I will get some pictures of him as soon as I charge my batteries. He's a fiesty little guy, and hungry, apparently. But he and DT seem to be getting along alright after just a few hours. Mostly calm. And, oddly, it's little CW that's instigating most of the scuffles. Things should smooth out soon enough. I just hope this helps DT be a little less prone to separation anxiety.

it's people! soylent green is peee-heee-heee-puuuuullll!!!

Yes we're men!

2007-09-28T14:40:00.000-05:00

Today was a manly sort of day. I got up around noon all by myself. Remarkable given my tendency to sleep in much later on Fridays. I got up and I got everything ready to change the oil and such in the Lincoln. I've changed oil in cars before. I know how to change the oil in a car. But I didn't know specifically how to do so for the Lincoln. So I checked my Hayes' Manual and got all my stuff out and I lift the car up, put it on jack stands, squeezed under it (not a lot of room, even jacked up) and saw I needed a bigger socket than what I had. Crap. So a run to K-Mart and Wal-Mart later, I have a new wrench set to go with my socket set and some new spark plugs. Huzzah! Get under it again, drain the oil, wiggle out, turn the wheels, get the filter out, replace filter, seal up oil pan, and bob's your uncle. I also did the air filter, but that's a nothing change there. I'll replace the headlamps a little later and as soon as I can get some help, I'll do the spark plugs. I thought those would be easier, but not so much. I need skinnier arms, really.

But at least for a few hours, I was "real man." Lost all grease-monkey points I gained, though, when I got a flourescent bulb for the "Geek Cave" to keep the room cooler for my computer. Heh.

macho macho man

Adventures in Bachelor Cuisine

2007-09-16T18:44:00.000-05:00

I am not worried about my ability to cook anything ever. Tonight I combined leftover egg noodles, a box of shells and cheese, garlic and spices, a can of spinach and some Parmesan cheese into something easily edible! I had to put some italian seasoned bread crumbs into it to thicken it up a bit it was otherwise fine!

Yum!

Great Jeeaaaarrrrreerrraaarrrrbb!

2007-09-16T11:07:00.000-05:00

I am officially on salary with Intrex as of today. I turned in all my insurance paperwork along with my time sheet for this last pay period this week. And if things turn out the way Curtis (District Manager) says it will, I should be Lead Technician at the Winston store before too long. Which will help make that commute worth the money a little more. My "hourly" rate in the salary isn't all that much different from what I was making when I left Best Buy, but I have benefits (vision, dental, AND medical) and a guaranteed 40 hours a week. So that means more money, seeing as how a good week at Best Buy meant 32 hours instead of 28. Huzzah, and all that. And that Lead Technician bonus would be mighty sweet, it would. We'll see how that goes.

More news as it happens.

Don't hold your breath.

2007-08-28T23:09:00.000-05:00

Cause you'll pass out or something. Kill brain-whojawhatsits.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I was, at least as far as posts go, holding my breath. I had an interview with Greensboro Day not too long ago and I was waiting to say anything about it until I heard back from them. On account of me not wanting to jinx it and all. But it's been too long waiting and not posting anything. Bad me or something. Heh.

Intrex is a good job. There's potential, and this seems more realistic than anything ever was a Best Buy. And I'm making a little bit more than I was in the ol' Geek Squad and there's a lot of side benefits. A "busy" moment in the store is 5 customers. That creates a significantly smaller portion of People Stupid going around. There's at most 5 people working on any given day, and that's if the District Manager is there. The managers, even the DM, are pretty down to earth. That's a first for me. I'm used to DM's being these mysterious Black Shirt SS types coming in with fire and fear as their weapons. With a swish of their pen, you could find yourself banished from the light! But Curtis is more like unto a store level manager in terms of relationship. But then, any given store is no bigger than a department, employee-wise, at a big box retailer. And everything is blissfully more laid back. I pretty much just do my thing and I get left alone to do it. Joy! I have to help "the floor" sometimes, but everyone does. Big whoop. The best part is, come the 7th, I'll be on salary. Some people don't like salary, but I do. At least in this particular scenario. I already get an hour lunch. With a lunch that long, I don't mind working longer. The longest day I could ever have is 10 hours. From 10AM to 8PM. But that's not ever likely to happen. I don't ever have to be there earlier than when the store opens, since only the opening manager has a key and he always shows up at opening time. And I don't ever have to stay one minute past my shift. Ever. It's a good job. And since I'm El Floato Tech between Winston and the Southwest Greensboro store, I'll be getting a little extra compensation for the travel. Even more on top of that is the productivity bonuses and Curtis has me ear-marked to help start up an On-Site program in Greensboro. The initial radius? Within 10 miles of the store. To help make this make sense on how awesome this is, I live just under 2 miles from the SW Greensboro store. I'd be doing work in my own neighborhood. It's just a sweet setup.

Greensboro Day would, however, ultimately be a better job. The money would be about half again as much. The benefits are a little better, and I have the chance to re-negotiate my salary every year. So if I go and get a certification or two during the year, I can go in and work out a little more money for the next year. And it's a 10 month contract paid out over 12 months. Paid. Summer. Vacation. And I can always get a summer job if I want to make a little more. More so the dream job would this be. Even over the very exciting potential that Intrex has to offer.

Really, though, I just need to get bloody paid already. Intrex pays on a bi-monthly schedule, much like the military, according to Chris. Once at the 1st of the month and once on the 16th. Which means all the work I did from the 7th til the 15th I'll get paid for this Friday. And my first full paycheck I won't get until the 15th of September. Bleh.

Oh yeah, I had an adventure in vehicle repair this weekend. The Sunday before last, the starter went out on the Lincoln when I went out grocery shopping. Fun times. I wasn't until this past Friday that I was able to get a new starter, thanks to Doug's very much appreciated generosity. So Friday afternoon and into the early evening, I did my best to help Wes, and later Chris, put a new starter on the Lincoln in the Lowe's Foods parking lot. We even ended up replacing the battery terminals. Good times, good times. But it's all working again now. I went to have lunch with my mom, Randy, and Chase Sunday. I finally got my comic books and some other things along with some casserole dishes my mom was willing to part with. And as soon as we went to leave, the car wouldn't start. BLARGH!!! It turns out that the new terminals weren't as tight as they should have been and the exposed wire ends might be a little corroded. But Randy just took a socket wrench to them and it started right up. Whee.

Last night was fun, though. Hannah and I went to visit Pirate Lisa at her place to see Mars be all bright or whatever. I love astronomy, even if I don't know anything about it. But space and planets, stars, novas, nebulae, it's all so very cool to me. So we drove out to Denton and gathered around a little fire and chilled. I got too cloudy to see much of mars, but it was pretty cool getting to see this bright red dot in the night sky for a little while. The moon was gorgeous, though. Lisa lives way out away from any kind of city light, so the effect of a very bright full moon was much more pronounced. I've always loved that silver-blue light on a clear night. You could see well across the fields out by her house. A good time was had by all. Most were rennies of one sort or another, so as soon as there was alcohol, there were all manner of lewd and crude stories, jokes, and songs. A great time, really.

Today was sorta mundane. Just another work day, but that's nothing so bad. It's still a little uncomfortable in some things, especially financially (it's my own dumb fault I got canned and didn't look harder for something over the summer. Yadda yadda. I'm well aware of how I got into this mess.), but by mid-September, everything should be right as rain in that regard. Chris and Lani are mostly moved out and Doug is mostly moved into the master bedroom. Which means very soon I/we can start getting the apartment very awesome. I'm very excited about that.

There is one bad thing about working at Intrex, though. I have access to waaaaay too much awesome gear. I just built a great new PC in Skywarp, but I've seen the cutting edge up close and it's just so. very. cool. But I restrain myself. At least for now. I think this year I'll be able to participate in Intel's Retail Edge program and get a hold of a nice Quad Core CPU. If you don't know what that means, it's like a V-12 engine as far as performance goes. And most of everything else is a beat up four-banger 20 year old Ford Escort in comparison. Just sayin'

working in a gold mine

I Has Employment

2007-08-06T13:54:00.000-05:00

The interview with Intrex went really well, it seems. They called me not 24 hours later to offer me a job. It's not Greensboro Day School, sadly, but it's still a big step up from Best Buy as far as potential is concerned. I'll be starting out making at least as much as I did when I left Best Buy with plenty of opportunities for bonuses and the like. I go in tomorrow at 10AM (bleh-ish) to start the paperwork and all that fun stuff. And it looks like they don't mind working with me on some weekends so I can work the Renaissance Festival with no hassles. Even better, the job I'm being offered has a SET schedule. I know what I'll be working every week unless someone asks me if I can make a change for a week. Huzzah! And even if I didn't have a set schedule, the store is only open for one "shift" anyway. The store never opens before 10PM and never closes later than 8PM. I can live with that. It looks like I might, might have to get up at 8-8:30AM at the earliest. And I doubt I'll ever have to be there later than 9PM. I'm really jazzed about the job. They offer health, vision, dental, 401(k). And the room for growth is good.

Also: I'm feeling a lot better now. Everything's gone except a little congestion, but the loratadine I got from Wal-Mart (generic Claritin) is helping that out a whole lot.

take the 8:15 into the city

Not Dead, Just Sick

2007-08-01T15:55:00.000-05:00

Yeah. About a week ago I picked up some bug or another. No congestion at first, just that sudden creeping pain and fever that crawls up your back and up over your head. Flu-like in that regard. Felt fine at dinner, then like utter crap a few hours later. Fever's broke then come back a couple of times only now there's post-nasal drippage. Fun times, fun times. It's not terrible. I feel like I'm getting better. Less ache and little, if any, fever. It's really more groggy/funny feeling in the head than fever and ache now. There's no discoloration of mucus to suggest infection, at least. And I'm not really all that congested. Just enough to be really irritating, but not enough to be able to do anything with it like, I dunno, sneeze/cough/hack/blow it out. Bleh. I've had much worse.
Gross, perhaps a little too much information, but these are the things I think about when I'm sick. Very clinical. There's a lot of medical professionals in my family.

In good news, I have a job interview tomorrow at 11AM. Not with Greensboro Day School, though. I haven't heard anything from them, yet. Which is disappointing. I'd much rather have that job. But I got a call today from the District Manager of Intrex Computers today. They're a local-ish computer parts only outfit. It's retail-ish, but it's a job at least. I do, however, grow weary of having to explain why I don't work at Best Buy anymore. Actually, I get tired of having to do it in a way that doesn't come off as virulent and bitter. It's not easy. But yay interview? Especially considering they weren't hiring when I put in my application and test. Go figure that out.

iiii-hiii am a maaa-haaaan of constant sooorrroooowww...