Where to Begin?

So mid-February.  That's the last time I posted, huh?  Dang.  I've had more to say since then, for sure.  This might get rambly.

Fort Gordon continues to be...well...Fort Gordon.  It's still "Better Than Basic!(tm)" but that only carries a place so far after nearly 12 weeks.  I still haven't passed the run portion of a PT test.  I've had a couple of weeks of no running not helping due to really bad shin splint in my right leg.  That following a week of no PT thanks to my wisdom teeth finally being removed.  It adds up to most of the last month being a no run time.  That has...not...helped my run time.  But them's the breaks.  I took a diag test last week and I know I can crank out the pushups and situps to a passing (or better) standard no problem.  But the run.  Oy the run.  the more things change, the more they stay the same.

I continue to crush my classes.  And I continue to do so with one of the highest grade averages in my graduating class.  We're currently about a week away from the toughest block of instruction here.  And the schoolhouse threw my classroom-class a bit of a curve ball.  My classroom-class (really, there should be less cumbersome means of distinguishing between the soldiers currently in my graduating class and those that share the same classroom) was always kinda small.  And we've shaved off a soldier with each block of instruction so far.  But with this new block, they split us up and shunted us into the other two classes in my graduating class.  We are none too happy about the arrangement.  We had a sort of system running, a level of camaraderie, that kept us up and motivated.  It's not helping that the new block is back in the older schoolhouse with the barely-running AC.  With 19 of us crammed into the room instead of 10.  It makes a difference.  But I'll pass.  With high marks.  Ever on and on.

The PT is an effort and a hurdle, but it's quantifiable and counterable.  I'm slow on my run.  So I need to run more, and push harder when I run.  So I do.  I've started running on weekends now.  Not, y'know, really fast, but a couple of miles or an hour of interval running.  Something.  It'll get there.  The real hurdles are motivation and socialization.  And they're one and the same, really.  Time passes and I miss home.  And I haven't really made a lot of connections here with people.  Shallow circles at best, really.  And due to the nature of TRADOC (soldiers in training, the rules that govern them) I can't go, say, hang out with people I'm better connected to, like Hyde, without a willing battle buddy AND synchronized schedules.  It's a logistical nightmare on a good day.  I'm 29.  I'm responsible.  I want to do nothing to endanger my chances of getting Distinguished Honor Grad.  I just want to go hit the gym or another company's break area for a few hours and be back.  Nope.  And because I'm still struggling with PT, I'm stuck at Phase IV, so I have to do morning details on weekends, when I'd really much rather sleep.  And we have two hour time limits on on-post passes.  Sigh.  Whine.  Etc.  There are things I like.  And I'll count AIT as an enjoyable experience, overall.  Whereas Basic was...not.  But still, it's hard to keep the motivation to excel and exceed.  There are too many examples and opportunities to put for the minimum and lazy my way through.  And I could do it, too.  The system is easily worked, and I've more or less seen and/or figured out exactly how much effort to put forth to look just right and succeed by failing.  It's a temptation.  But I won't give in.  I just miss all you guys and independence.  Game night, the Salty Caper, St. James and Vintage21.  I miss drink and smokes.  I miss waking up on my own without an alarm or disturbance.  I know these things, and more, wait for me to get out of here.  I just gotta get there.

I try not to worry about the mild malaise that's kinda settled in of late.  Worrying overmuch will be a distraction I don't need.  But the mix is just right at the moment for a slip into something like depression.  And really, who needs that?  Not me, not here.  But I see warning signs.  So I work through and around the problems.  Facebook, the tool that lets me stay in touch with everyone back home, and by extension keep me motivated, is a two-edged sword by way of people I still stay in touch with that are friends (or family) with people I...don't want to.  Too much time for introspection and memory here sometimes, I guess.  But I still find myself up at 4AM.  I still push myself.  Sometimes I don't know why, like waking up in the middle of a run and asking myself "When the hell did this happen?  Why on EARTH am I running?  Where is the sun?!"  But the days end and there's mail-call.  Oh right.  That's why I do this.  I wake up to messages from far away left for me on my phone.  Yes.  This.  This makes my day before I even start.  These are my reasons.  You.  Your support.  I can't do this on my own, and I haven't had to.  You've been there with me the whole way.  From day one at Ft. Benning until graduation this June.  Your pictures are taped up in my locker, so every day I see you and I remind myself of why I'm here.  So please, keep on keeping me going.  I'm strong, but I am stronger because of you than I could have ever been by myself or for myself.  The letters and the messages and texts lift me up and keep me smiling.

Thank you.

I'm going to go listen to a lot of Led Zeppelin now.


if the sun refused to shine

It Defies Titles

Man. It's been a crazy 6 weeks (give or take) since my last entry. I graduated out of BCT (no matter how near a thing it was) and have moved on to Ft. Gordon for my AIT. As you can see, we get internets here, though I don't have continuous access. But some is more than none, yes?

I've been here for a couple of weeks and we're just about finished with our first class, an A+ course. It's...not so challenging for me. But then, I've been doing A+ type stuff for the better part of the last 13 years. It's an interesting environment here. It's loads more relaxed and independent here than BCT (especially compared to Ft. Benning), but there's still some walls that my head butts up against from time-to-time. But not hard enough that any of the Cadre or instructors here have noticed or found reason to take me to task for it.

The food here in the dining facilities isn't quite as good as the food at Benning. And the availability of junk (like Domino's) makes this an easy place to get kinda fat in. But I've been watching my intake of junk and I make a habit of lots of fruit and a salad or two with every meal. PT is tougher, but better. And we do get some free time in the evenings, so I can get some gym time in while I'm here to improve my run. Which I NEED like WHOA. I'll make it, but it's just a matter of how fast. I can't phase up to more privileges until I pass my PT, and the run is killing me there. But then, running has ever been my bane. I'll figure it out.

I am excited, though, that I could very well be the Distinguished Honor Graduate here (unlike at Benning, where PT counted a whole lot more). If I keep my nose clean and I pass my End of Course PT test on the first attempt. The only other requirement is having the highest academic average (bwahaha). I really hate feeling like an arrogant dutch-bag about it, but I am one of (if not the) smartest person in my graduating class. Now, time will tell if my bad study habits will rear up again, or if I'll buckle down and get it right. I have an affinity for technology, but unlike the A+ course, I'll actually be learning a whole lot of new stuff with the rest of my coursework while I'm here. But the classes will translate into education enough to get a few certifications and 18-36 credit hours of college credit (that I could easily turn into nearly an AS in Information Technology at the right school.) and that will be awesome. The rest of the plan is in place, just waiting on me to finish all this up in mid-late June.

A slog, this will be before it's all said and done. I miss home and the people that live there. And the ones currently wandering out and abroad, I miss also and especially.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow might actually pass by with little to note it. And that will (sadly) be a delightful first. I'm used to having generally bad days on the 14th of February. Singles Awareness Day, indeed. But when I have not been single, they have often involved arguments or similar unpleasantness. But this time around, I'll be busy in class or concurrent training or working out. I will not, however, turn down any pleasant messages left on Facebook or email or text, from any of you, my dear friends and family. And please, please write. It's easy to feel disconnected here. I have a phone, but during the day it stays locked up and I'm running about most of the evening trying to fit in a life of sorts. We get mail-call far more often, and I'm not getting drowned in letters like I was at Benning. Sadness!

So here's me:
PFC Johnson, Justin
B Co 447 Bn 15 Sig Bde
Ft. Gordon, GA 30905

And to you, especially, I hope your day is fantastic in every ordinary and awesome way. We'll talk/chat/write soon enough.

live, laugh, dare to love

Work in Progress, Shows Promise

Man.

It's been a good break. And I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to going back to Ft. Benning. It's not as though it's over-hard. Basic has been challenging, for sure, but never at a level that I have found myself incapable of completing the task at hand. But while there have been enjoyable moments (such as making Sharpshooter, by hitting 32 of 40 targets, on my first try), BCT is not what I could call enjoyable as a whole. I'm looking forward to the end of it. But there's only 21 days left, starting on the 5th. So down to bidness.

#324
PFC Johnson, Justin
D Co. 3-47 In 3rd Plt
Bld 3210
Ft. Benning, GA 31905

That's my mailing address for those of you who don't have it. It's still going to be a good address to write to until about the 13th-16th of January. It's only a short time, but I love getting letters. So write!

Second: I graduate from BCT on the 26th of January at Ft. Benning in Sand Hill. All of you. Come and see me walk around in my Army blue monkey suit! Crowd the bleachers with my people!

Christmas this year was, delightfully, low key. For me it was so great just to be home and see everyone, friends and family alike. And oh man. So much food. So much GOOD and TERRIBLE food. After months of Army nutritious food, getting a little Cheerwine and BBQ was divine. Army food was, surprisingly, tasty most of the time. It was a little plain, but healthy. And it's surprisingly easy to eat healthy at BCT, given the selections. But nothing fried. No pizza. Water forever, too much Powerade, and one glass of milk and OJ on any given day. So no Cheerwine.

It's interesting being who I am and how old I am being in BCT. It's a lot easier for me to just go along and play the game than it seems to be for the 18-20 year olds. But while I can just do what I'm told and say "Yes, Drill Sergeant," I don't really make a permanent change to Army (Hooah!) Mode. It's a switch I can flip (and did), but then I can come home and turn it off. There are some changes, internal discipline, stability, confidence, that are permanent, but most of it is just a hat I put on and take off. I didn't come home and roll my laundry (unless I was packing a bag, but I did that anyway), or make my bed with hospital corners. I don't wake up at 4AM every day and do PT (though I did do some). So there's good things being done in my general direction thanks to the Army and Basic Training. Mostly it's the 25lbs. I left back on the sandy PT field.

There's still some things I doubt I'll ever get used to. Like when I was waiting to go home. I was in line getting my boarding pass. And people came up and thanked me for my service, shook my hand. I get home and find my inbox is full, not the least of which was friends thanking me on Facebook on Veteran's Day. That choked me up just a bit.

Segue: the amount of support I have received from my friends and family has been...overwhelming. I mean, I never expected that I wouldn't get absolutely 100% support from everyone. But the way you have all gotten behind me on this, and the amount of thought and love. It's humbling and at the same time it fills me with strength, confidence. All the more reason for you all to be there on the 26th. You've all been there behind me this whole time, and I want you all to see me bring this to fruition.

I was able to ring in the New Year amongst good friends around a hookah. I had drink and food and fellowship. I'm looking forward to what 2012 will bring me. Graduate from BCT, go on to AIT, making some decent money along the way. Get in shape. Find work through my National Guard unit or go to school full time. Take SOME classes in either case. CRF 2012.

And tonight was just an excellent cap to it all. Thank you.

i know it ain't easy

Tuesday's Gone

Zero hour approaches hard on my heels.

Yesterday was my last day at CRF for the season. It was an awesome day. If felt like someone turned on the "What are they gonna do, fire us?" sign, so thick were the jokes of...questionable content. Thanks, Lord Mayor. The weather was great (to my tastes, at least), the crowd wasn't overwhelming, the jousts were hilarious. Mandi and Sarah stuck out, with each of them playing their characters (Lady Luck and Lady Jillian, respectively) playing each other's character. So Lady Luck was dressed and acting as Lady Jillian and vice versa. This came to a head at the jousts, as each lady has a favorite knight, so each required themselves to cheer for the other's favorite. With pained expressions and forced enthusiasm. To people only there for that day, it was just two ladies being goofy (and awesomely so), but to the regulars and the cast, there were times it was hard to breath we were all laughing so hard. And that kind of levity carried over to the rest of the day.

The Royal Court this year is amazing. It reminds me of the court we had many years ago, but somehow better. We're a more cohesive group, we work well with and off of each other. The "core" I think is the trio of Mandi, Sarah, and Julie. Cin and Rick are certainly coming into their own, as well as our other new members. It's great to have Jeremy back as Bishop John Ringo, too. And Chris is really settling in as the King to Bettina's Queen. I cannot express how much I'm going to miss all of you guys. I hate I'm not going to be able to be with you guys for the rest of the season. But I'm looking forward to next season.

There's just not enough time to speak or write to all the people I want to before I ship out on Tuesday. For some there's just no words I can bring together ; letters started and deleted or thrown away or sitting, unsent. It's going to be a very trying time at Basic and AIT. I'll be able to write and (eventually) email/IM, but it's not the same and being able to attend a weekly game night or go to church with my friends and family. I will, at least, be able to go home for Christmas, but even then, there's a lot of people I don't imagine I'll get to see or speak with. There are a couple of cases where that leaves my heart heavy, but I imagine (hope, really) that I will be too busy (or tired more likely) to spend too much time in rumination.

I have no illusions that the next several weeks will be anything but extremely...challenging. You can spin it to more positive wording all you like, but Basic is going to open with me getting my ass handed to me, and hard. This is going to be grueling. I will persevere (it's kinda what I do), but I have accepted and come to terms with the fact that, at least for the first couple of weeks or so, my flabby weakness is going to be painfully obvious.

So write to me. Give me pages and pages to read. Keep me up to date with the day-to-day goings on back home. Send stamps. Lots of stamps. Pray for me(to what- or whomsoever you feel is best to send such an appeal to), sends positive thoughts, and/or think of me, so that I will get strong enough and tough enough not just to pass, but to excel. Because I will accept nothing less of myself in this endeavor but excellence. I want to come out of this in January as an Honors Graduate. I will have nothing less than a distinguished career in the Army, and I have to start from the very beginning.

Why do I set such high goals for myself? It is because of the inspiration provided by ALL those in my life who serve or have served. Chris, Justin, Harold, Kyle, Rayne, Phil, Shaun, Fox, Shane, Nathan, Ben, James. Two grandfathers, two step-grandfathers. Even (especially) one SPC Eckerd. I didn't set the bar, all of you did. Thank you.

I love you all. I'm going to miss all of you. Yes, even you. Especially you. I look forward to seeing some of you at Christmas. And I hope a whole mess of you will be able to see me graduate from Basic.

i am immortal, i have inside me blood of kings

The Gypsy Marie (rough draft)

I knew my heart would ne'er be free
the day I met her, the Gypsy Marie.

Oh, her name haunts me, my days, my nights, my dreams
the enchanting Gypsy Marie.

Her laugh is full and genuine, true and hearty
the raucous Gypsy Marie.

Dancing and prancing and chancing with me
the whirlwind Gypsy Marie.

She touched my heart with unintentional glee
the accidental Gypsy Marie.

She flees from pursit, that love, claimed, cannot be
the elusive, effusive Gypsy Marie.

Still, I cannot forget those moments so sweet
with the beautiful Gypsy Marie.

Oh the nights spent under the stars and the trees
kissing the lovely Gypsy Marie.

Her kisses so hungry, shy, but bold secretly
the contradictory Gypsy Marie.

Her skin dark in the night, to mine so white, caressed so softly
the mysterious Gypsy Marie.

Her words and glances and touches for me,
the touching Gypsy Marie.

Such wonders with her have I seen
with the Gypsy Marie.

Such splendors and pleasures and ecstacies
hinted at by the Gypsy Marie.

Yet Romani she is, ever swept by the breeze
my wandress the Gypsy Marie.

So my heart aches in her absence, waiting to see
the return of my love, the Gypsy Marie.

I knew that my heart would ne'er again be free
the day I met her, the Gypsy Marie.

all your life you've never seen a woman taken by the wind

The Bad is Swift; the Good So Very Slow

The weekend was average. And by average, I mean that, from my perspective, the good things and the underwhelming or disappointing things all evened out to naught. Today was equal parts, too, but that seems to be the order of the day. But the squabbles and frustrations are small. Sharing a bathroom, a friend's actions are entirely in character but just strike a nerve, these aren't really all that important. It's hard to remember that, despite my best efforts. It was good to go to church again, especially on a communion weekend. I got my transcripts, I picked them up today and got them scanned, moving forward.

Trying to clear up my credit report is...interesting. Creditors are very, very quick to report negatively. But good reporting takes, and I quote, "thirty to sixty days" which I think is really fair. Argh.

I tried to run today, but the combination of my general out-of-shapeness, near 100 degree heat, and oppressive humidity made even one mile of walking/running an absolutely awful experience. I had hoped to get at least two miles in, but that was a no-go. I managed some pool time. At least I ate healthy today, drinking a lot of water and keeping my carbs and calories down. Same weather tomorrow, but I'm going to try and get out at some point.

There are private struggles and frustrations that weigh on my mind and heart. Even writing here about it (what with no one really reading this blog and all) is difficult. Trying to explain the issue and remain generic enough to keep privacy is difficult. Relationships are often more difficult than they have to be or need to be. Fears, both general and specific, hobble us. These fears are understandable. The words run through my mind, the words I want to say, the poetics or the direct speech. Arguments swim and tumble back and forth. Sentences get typed, then deleted. Conversations almost get started, then vanish into the ether.

Am I confused? Frustrated? Yes.

But I am also...hopeful, in specific and at large. I'm not chased off so easily.

"And these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. And the greatest of these is Love."

The More Things Change

Over the last few years I have learned to make about four or five plans for any large effort I am going to attempt. Why? The first one is going to fail before it gets off the runway. Every time. Without fail. Then the next few get shot down shortly after take off. I have learned to live on Plan Not-A.

So my original idea of directly enlisting to go to OCS, well, it flopped about like a fish on the deck of a ship and died before really even starting. So the plan became something else, involving a short AIT in an MOS that didn't require a security clearance. That, realistically, meant a much long delay on OCS, despite the reassuring words of recruiters involved. So I planned in a manner to minimize the hurt for a year long delay in getting into OCS.

And then, out of nowhere, I could get my transcripts after all. So I didn't go to MEPS today, like the previous plan. Why? Because I have to wait 48 hours (for some reason) to get my official transcripts. But. I was able to view my transcript online and it turns out that I have more credit hours than I thought. Not, y'know, a lot. Just the one more class. But that's enough to get me, for sure, into OCS.

Paperwork in. Maverick bound.

i am the very model of a modern major-general

Justin Joins the Service

This is happening.

I've done all the looking and thinking I can. I've examined all my options. The job market isn't co-operating fast enough to make anything real happen. And I am f@#king tired of not having income, among other things. I am joining the Army National Guard. And, perhaps uncharacteristically, I'm going in to Infantry school. Why? The enlisted training is 14 weeks. Most of the other jobs I wanted to do have 6 months of training. But OCS is in the game plan, starting in January if things fall in place. So, right now, the plan is to be a 2nd Lieutenant after roughly 6 months of actual service. Not bad, right? After OCS, I'll have a lot more flexibility on where I end up. But a combat MOS? More badass than you were expecting, right?

Yeah.

The biggest downer for me in this ISN'T near six months straight of marching and saluting (though don't get me wrong, that's going to SUCK A LOT OF ASS.) but that I'm going to miss my first season at CRF since I started. Frown. But I'm fishing for addresses. And I imagine that I'll be writing a lot of letters. Hopefully a few letters to a lot of people. But I'll take a lot of letters to a few people. Hell, I want to get smoked for the amount of mail I get; that's how much I want to be getting.

This will be the single most challenging thing I have ever faced. This is something I should have done ten years ago. But I am doing this. For too long in my life, I have not really amounted to much, not lived up to what I could be, what I should be. I've been allowing myself to be held back, or held myself back (consciously or unconsciously). But at the end, I'll be far closer to the man I'm supposed to be than I have ever been.

I hope I will hear from a lot of you guys. It's going to a big change from what I'm used to. I'm going to miss all of you guys.

And some of you will see. You'll see what I can do. You have not seen me arrayed in splendor.

don't underestimate the things that i will do

Emotional Content Advisory

It's not that bad, really.

But I did watch my cousin, Ashley get married today. It was a very sweet, poignant day, all told. I imagine it was even more so for Ashley and Zack. All the girls were gorgeous and all the boys were well-dressed and groomed.

I have to take an aside here. My grandfather, my dad's dad, was able to make it to the wedding. My papaw has Parkinson's disease. I've known he's had it for several years, and people have said how remarkable it is that he's doing so well. But it is still so very hard to see him, to witness the measure of the disease's work. As I have grown older, it has never been my own mortality that I have had to come to terms with, but the mortality of those around me. I was very young when my granddaddy Bob passed away. But it was only a few years ago when my granddaddy Jim died. I was an adult and I had known no world were he wasn't around. So I have one grandfather left to me, and I am to bear witness to a much slower, much crueler process than the more sudden losses I had seen before. He is doing remarkably well. But I could feel my dad and step-mom aching for someone to help them, my dad especially. When my grandparents divorced, dad moved with my papaw. I can't imagine how hard it is for my dad. Papaw was pretty lucid. He didn't recognize some of the cousins at first, but when reminded, he seemed to. But he's so frail. Helping him in and out of the pews and down the aisles, I could feel how very little of him there is anymore. It hurts.

But Papaw was there. The family was seated and the service went without a hitch. It was...well, it was a Lutheran wedding service, full pomp. Communion, acolytes, bible-bearer, candle-bearers. For someone like me it was nice to see, really. It was neat. I enjoy some of the ritual trappings of my faith. I don't think High Mass is needed at every service, but sometimes an event is better served with a little bit of the pomp and ritual.

The real moment I got a little verklempt was when Ashley's brother, Ben, was the one to present her. Ashley is a little miracle in our family and she's been through and come through so much. When she was very young, three or four, she was diagnosed with leukemia. But she came through it all, this little tiny thing (she's still short. 5'0.5" tall) going through chemotherapy and spinal taps. And in that same time of her life (I think after she was declared to be in remission) her dad died suddenly of a heart attack. Congenital defect. So it was her brother that walked her down the aisle. It still gets me a little teared up. I'm not prone to emotional outbursts or displays, but I still feel. It was a beautiful little moment.

The reception was, perhaps, unremarkable, but not in any kind of bad way. The food was simple, but good. Tea and pink lemonade, a good cake. Some fun music, no macarena. It's always an enjoyable time when you get all of the cousins together, and nearly all of us were there.

There's a lot up in the air in my world right now. Trying to figure out my enlistment is a bit of a whirlwind process. What job do I want to enlist in, will I be able to go into OCS immediately, or will I have to wait? Can I find a Real Job before I'd enlist, or will I end up missing a call for an interview because I'm in Basic? Will I have to miss Faire? In the midst of all that, today was a good day. It was simple, it was enjoyable. It was family and food and uncomplicated.

I haven't written in a while. Not because I didn't have anything to write about, but because it seems like whenever I write about something I'm hoping for, I jinx it. So I'll just post this. You can't jinx something that's already happened.

And I have Windor's Toccata from Symphony V stuck in my head.

Poem

Untitled

My thoughts are haunted
I close my eyes
All I see is your face
The darkness of that night
My face
Buried in your neck
Never have I seen such
A wicked
Smile on your lips
You moan, you purr
Underneath the stars
You bit your lip
My God, my heart
Your kiss is so hungry
I love it, I want it
Your smile is so playful
I love, I need it
Your mouth opens
Your lips, your teeth, your tongue
They consume my finger
The words you whisper
I gasp and my blood rushes
Such a delicious secret
Such delightful knowledge

Never doubt for a moment
That I love you

And not just because
You're half-naked

Poem, 4-12-2010

Time is Fleeting

All the wonders
and the splendors
of Eden before him;
All the beasts
and plants.
Lonely was Adam.
"All these things
great and small,
I give my thanks,
but I am alone.
Please, make for me
A companion."
God smiled.
Adam slept.
Thus Eve.


I'm not really sure what was going through my mind when I wrote that, but I was re-reading my little pocket journal and found the poem and thought I'd post it here on the intarweebs for all of my readers to see. Both of you. Heh.

They Say You Want a Resolution...

There is a reason I have taken this long to post any resolutions. I've been looking over what I want to accomplish and what I have accomplished. I was looking at the resolutions I made last year and while I didn't accomplish as many as I'd have liked, I did complete(accomplish, accomplish, accomplish. accomplish) the majority of the list.

Old list: http://tomeofgrey.blogspot.com/2010/01/resolute.html

2011 - A List of Resolutions (with commentary)

Continue to improve my diet - it's a process. I slip sometimes, but it's better overall. More veggies and fruit, less fatty foods, processed grains, and empty calories. (Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants)

Exercise more, get in shape - I'm enlisting this year and I'm not as young as I used to be. So I have to compensate with better fitness. I keep saying this every year. This year I'm actually going to do it. (No, really. No. Really.)

Continue to improve wardrobe - I finally got some really good hats, this makes me happy. I hope to pick up a few nice vests and a good suit. The vests will all but force me to dress better to get enough use to warrant buying more clothing. (Every girl crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man)

Keep pushing forward with my education - I am facing frustrating delays with enlistment and transfers, but I must not and will not just give up on finishing the degree. The likely enlistment schedule is going to mean two semesters off instead of one, and that will delay my degree-getting, but I will still finish it. And I will continue to press for a PhD, but all of that is the future years. This year, this Spring semester, I am trying to improve my GPA as much as I can. (i can haz gud graedz?)

More art, creativity - I wrote many letters last year, and I will continue to do so this year. I need to draw more, if only just because I have some small talent and I need to keep using it. I have armies to assemble and paint. I will keep singing. (jackal. it's a jackal. is it a jackal? it's a jackal!)

Grow my Faith - I have been selected as the chairman of the Music & Worship committee at church. (responsibility?! hsssssssss!!!1) I need to take that role seriously and help the congregation of St. James within the context of that role. I will continue to sing in the choir (and louder, since my aunt[s], grandmother, cousin, and other fellow choir and church members note that I should)

A much less general list than last year, but also a lot tougher, given the parameters. But I'm awesome. It is ALL within the realm of things I can do. I just need to, well, resolve to do so.

by the power of greyskull...

It's a Mess

Wow. Radio silence since Thanksgiving. Ok, let's catch up.

First off, in retrospect, 2010 went a LOT better than 2009. For any of a number of reasons.

The faire season was a lot better, barring one or two sour notes. I adore the new doublet and cape that Angel made for me and I got a lot of compliments on it. I've got a lot of ideas to make the coming season better, and plans for costumes and characters to visit upon other faires.

A down note, with 2011 consequences, is that my recruiter says that I cannot enlist until 6 months AFTER my probation ends on the 17th of this month. Which means that I cannot enlist this month or next as I had wanted. And that also means I need to find/keep employment and scrape up another semester of classes from RCCC's shrinking list of useful courses. And it kinda throws off the whole schedule I had worked up for college and graduation. Argh. But I can work around it, even if it delays some things. We are a long-lived people, my people.

The holidays were a bit of a cluster, I'm not gonna lie. We've had a lot of snow that didn't help. My brother and his wife deciding to spend a week or so in the Bahamas right after Christmas didn't help, heh. But it was a good Christmas, I think. Despite all the hectic and sudden schedule changes, there was familial harmony, as is usual for my family(s). The snow prevented the family from going to Bristol Christmas weekend, based on the idea of not wanting to get snowed in at my Grandmother's. (Praise Report: She was diagnosed with, treated for, and recently verified free of lung cancer. All in THIS year.) So I went to Greensboro to attend Tig's "Orphan's Christmas" which was a good time. Even when the power went out. (Did I mention the snow?) The food was excellent and the company was....eclectic? Heh.

New Year's did not go 100% as planned but I went over the the Fishers' place for fireworks, which is the standard NYE event. Alas, I did not have an adventure in NYC like some people I know, but I had a good time nonetheless.

This past weekend finally wrapped up Christmas with all of my family. But it didn't start that way. In the middle of last week, a loud vibration started making a lot of noise out of the rear of my car. I attempted to diagnose the issue using my (admittedly limited) knowledge of vehicle mechanics. The noise rose in pitch with the speed limit, and was unaffected by changes in gear, so that ruled out the transmission. I turned off all the interior electronics and fans, to eliminate the stereo, speakers, and fans. I checked all my fluids, just in case. No dice on improving the situation. But I had eliminated most possibilities and was left with the wheels or tires, most probably the right, rear section of the car. The next day I asked around to all my mechanically minded friends and family. There was a theory that the tire might be wearing unevenly, so Mike was kind enough to help me look things over with his floor jack, air-powered wrench, and delightful assortment of mechanic's tools. While we were looking at the tires, we changed the oil, woohoo. The tires checked out ok (if old), as did the rear brakes (again, if old) so we were left baffled. Randy had taken the car for a spin earlier the day before, and thought a bearing had started to wear. Bearings are not things you delay in fixing. So Friday he took the car with him to work to have it looked at.

Now. Let me explain something about this past weekend. I have never had so many invitations to social gatherings in any one weekend in my entire life. Two events (birthdays no less) on Friday. At least 4 gatherings on Saturday and 2-3 on Sunday. If we hadn't done sushi with John on Thursday, there'd have been one more in the mix. Now I had planned to visit as many of those gatherings as I could, with the plan of driving. Yeah. That plan got asploded. And I was, perhaps understandably, frustrated. But I didn't handle it as well as I might have and was a little short with the parental units.

So anyway. Transportation issues. All the frustrations with poor communication (in which I was an active participant) and Friday morning I had had enough. I said, essentially, "Fuck it. I'm hopping the next train to Raleigh." Which I did. And it was a good idea. I had my phone, but Raleigh and me don't get along when it comes to phone signal. I had my laptop, but I had no idea what the wi-fi availability would look like. So I was sorta reachable, but it seemed a lot more like dropping off the face for a little while. I got to Raleigh about 4pm, and Amaris and Andrea picked me up not too long after that. Cook-Out, cleaning, dressing and we were heading out to...well, I had no idea. I know food was in the plan, but I didn't know any of the other details, other than Amaris said it would be "RIDONK" and since this is a relative term for Ms. Hames, I was a touch apprehensive. And no reasonable human being could fault me. But it was her party, so whatevs. For her birthday/Christmas I had taken it upon myself to fill a horrible lack in her life. She had no hip flask for the subtle containment of alcohol. This was a travesty, now solved. And, being me, I gave no empty flask! But we were off into Raleigh. We stopped into a couple of art galleries, which were intriguing, but way too full of hipsters. But then again, Raleigh herself is FULL of hipsters. Eventually we gathered the gaggle we had collected and headed over to the Market Restaurant. The food was good (really) but the entrée had too much negative space in its artfully set plate. It was tasty, though. And they had a pumpkin cheesecake. Om nom. Dinner was a bit nuts, too, as there was a lot of us and we ended up taking up about a half the restaurant. It was small; we were many. Around 10:30 we finally finish the meal and then on to dancing (what the heck). At that point we dwindled from 20+ to five. And went...dancing.

Now, to say that dance clubs are not my usual scene is a bit of an understatement. I believe that the last time I stepped into a club that centered around a dance floor was in 2001. I couldn't even drink then. I was also less old and less broken.

But a few sips of scotch and a chugged down Jack and Coke later and my joints felt a little less stiff and I started to get into the music. Perhaps the most ironic part of the whole thing was that around 1:30am we were starting to wind down, but I was ready to keep going. Music puts me in a groove sometimes, gives me strength, life. I'm not an extrovert. I don't energize when surrounded by people. I'm usually drained when around a lot of people (especially people I don't know). Given that Amaris was the only person in this venture I knew well, and I was only acquainted with one or two others there that night (Dana, Beth), I ought to have been outright exhausted. But music, man. Get me lost in some music and I'll got for days.

Anyway, 2:00-2:30am and we're making our way back to cars. Part of my plan for the weekend was to make it to Hickory for a family gathering with my dad, that side of the family, and our "Mountain Cousins." The snow we have now as supposed to come this past weekend, so I find out on the train ride home that morning that the gathering was postponed/cancelled. Oh yeah, I finally fell asleep around 4am. Amaris picked me up around 6:20am. I was on the train at 6:50am. Did I mention that I was up at 7am on Friday? And I was up and (gasp) cheerful. Or at least not a monster. Why? I needed that trip. I got the heck out of dodge, broke out of the usual habits. Some of it may have been the company, too. But less than 24 hours, barely more than 12, and I felt a lot more relaxed about everything. Randy had called in the evening the night before to let me know that the Honda had been fixed. So I get back into Salisbury and hop in my car and drive up to Hickory. The big gathering might have been called off, but my brother and sister were still up there. We had an impromptu meal and Christmas there, caught a bit of some football and then just after dark started to set in, I say my goodbyes and thank yous.

I made my way down the hill back home with every intention to head down to Charlotte to a 12th Night party (12th Night of Christmas is January 6th, Three Kings' Day) where many of my rennie friends would be, but I got home, sat down, and was done. Not near enough sleep! So tired was I that I left my phone in the car! Which means no alarm. But I slept in and it was glorious.

And then came the snow. It was really pretty on Monday, but the roads are crap right now. A lot more ice in this storm than the snow we got for Christmas, and the back(ish)-roads that I live on aren't cleared. I'm hoping that they clear up soon. I'm eager to get back into classes and work. Honestly, I'm getting a touch of the cabin fever. But I've been doing a lot reading on my new nook(not capitalized on purpose). And getting a lot of use out of my new TV. Both Christmas presents. I just need to find some excuses to break out my awesome new fedora!

I'm looking forward to 2011. There's a lot of good things coming around the horizon. I'm hoping to make more personal health improvements. I'd like to make some stronger improvements than in years past, but I am improved. And improving. I'm approaching 30. I turn 29 in a few months. And I am going to be AWESOME by the time I hit 30.

bring. it. on.

Give Thanks

And so begins the winter holiday season. And this year I have so very much for which to be thankful.

First and above all other I want to thank all my friends and family who have been there for me in the last 18 months or so. It's been an incredibly long and hard road to get to where I am now, to find the path to success that I have found. And I would not have been able to do so without all of you lifting me up and encouraging me in my struggle. Because of you, I have the strength I have now. Because of your support and encouragement, I can stand as well as I can.

Secondly and specifically, I am thankful for my mother and Randy. You have sacrificed (however great or small) to ensure that I have a place to live and call home, that my cats can stay with me and together. I know do not show my gratitude enough around the house, but I'm trying to be better at it. But I AM extremely grateful for you both.

I am thankful for the Renaissance Festival and all my rennie friends. This season was a damn sight better than last season, for many reasons. But I feel like I got to step out a little more this year. And I had a lot of fun. Thank you Russell, Steve, and Chandler for working your asses off and I look forward to working with you guys next season. And thank you, Bettina, for all the little bits this season. A score and seventeen times blessed.

I am thankful for St. James Lutheran church and her choir. I get a chance to sing and having a church to call home has helped me in a million tiny ways.

I have to thank Terri for pointing out the job opportunity. I have employment for the first time since March of '09. I could have been looking harder than I have (and probably SHOULD have) but for a time my financial aid was enough to cover what little expenses I had. But now that I have my license back, I am reminded that just driving a car is a significant enough expense.

Thank you, David Cook. Without your generosity, I wouldn't be ABLE to drive just yet. Having the ability to drive greatly extended my reach for things like employment.

And not least, I give my thanks to God. Without His grace in my life, I would not have such excellent friends, such loving family, and such timely luck as I have. I have had to go up against adversity, but not near as much as some. I have stumbled and fallen, but I have been made resilient (physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally) to resist and recover from such trials.

I love you all, and I thank you all.

veni, veni, emmanuel

October Entry

Man. I want to write about so much stuff. But it's all diaphanous and wispy. I don't want to mention something in a tenuous state and risk altering it by calling attention to it. Damn you, Heisenberg!

Faire season is in full swing and going well. My new doublet is awesome, and I've had many compliments on it. Ill have some pics up once it's really finished. So, y'know, closing weekend. I kid. Angel has done an amazing job, and she has been very patient with me, and dedicated to making it fit right and look awesome. She's also done the new Guard tabards, which look fantastic. The only real downside I'm seeing is that the soles in my boots are SHOT. Even with two insoles, I'm still feeling everything I'm walking on. If I didn't have the inch of wooden heel, it wouldn't be so bad. But as it is, the balance is a little odd. And the leather sole has bulged out a bit (on top of wearing thin and falling apart) meaning that the boots are loose, making my foot slip around when I walk. More strain and stress as I adjust to the deficiency. Alas, I have to put up with it for now. But the new guards have jumped right in and despite a painful lack of practice, are doing a good job. The weather has been nice, if a bit warm. I'm looking forward to the cool temperatures this and the coming weekends.

I am ready, however, to have RCCC in my rear-view mirror. I have said this before. No doubt, I will say this again.

And now that I have my license back (HELLZ. YEAH.) I'm looking for some part-time work. For serious now that I don't have to worry about how I'm going to get there.

Also: I am so very happy to have my Aegis back. She's such a good car, and I have missed piloting her.

So many paths are laid out before me. And so many of those paths hold great and positive possibilities. The downside? It's hard to make a choice on which path to take. I guess I'll just have to feel out my favorites and see if any highlight themselves.

you may be right. i may be crazy

No Real Reason

Yay, I tweaked some colors. I might have to tweak the margins before it's all said and done. Whoo. I mean, to be fair, I've had this template since (looks up the template in the editor) I started this blog in 2004. And I like it. But monitors are a little wider in their resolution in the last six years.

Edit: Tweaked the margins a little, as well as the font-size.

stand me up at the gates of hell but i won't back down

On Unexpected Outcomes

As most of you know, I have a laundry list of issues revolving around a suspended driver's license. Today I went to court to clear up the penultimate charge, leaving me with only the charge in Guilford County between me and driving privileges.

If you ever get an itch to see what misdemeanor court looks like, don't scratch it.

Seriously.

Don't do it.

It's a long process. You'll be surrounded by people that will baffle and boggle you. I was the only defendant in a tie. The. Only. One. Most people had jeans and t-shirts on. In a courtroom. A. COURTROOM. WHAT THE HECK. And some of the attitudes that some of these people had blew my mind. Back-talking the judge, or refusing to speak in a voice above a mumble. I don't understand people. Or the girl who had three DUIs in the space of a few months. I get that a courthouse might not be the best place to see the best society has to offer, but not just the dregs get involved in things like the charges some of these people were up for. I'm not a dreg of society. I just didn't make very wise decisions for a few years. I shake my head.

But despite a very...stressful start to my morning and a three hour wait, I got my charge resolved. With a Prayer for Judgement Continued. For those not in the know, that's as close to a dismissal as you can get without, y'know, getting the case dismissed. Granted, if I get into any more legal trouble, I get slapped with the charge and following sentence. But if I stay clean? It's a lack of conviction. Awesome. I hadn't even considered a PJC as a possibility.

Here is where I need to talk up my lawyer, Mr. Todd Paris. He managed to get me in as a write in on the docket today. When the initial feeling I was given was an October or November court date. When we went up to the tables before the judge, he explained that I was working to resolve these old issues, how I was working up through them in order and the DA, without prompting or request, offered the Prayer for Judgement Continued. We were thinking it would end up being plead out to Failure to Notify DMV of an Address Change. Which is a non-moving violation and okay in my book. A PJC, though, is far better than I had hoped.

And despite RCCC grasping my check like a wizened old miser, I'll be able to hire an attorney in Guilford County and maybe get this all behind me very soon. At least, I hope so.

goodbye, ruby tuesday

Fall, Official

Happy Birthday to my brother, Jerod! How's that "responsible adult" thing going so far? Heh.

Classes plod along. I continue to be frustrated by the general tendency of Lowest Common Denominator found at RCCC. It's awful and elitist of me, I know. And there are bright students to be found. But they are not my intellectual peers. Mostly because most of the bright kids here are, well, kids. Sadly, that's mostly my fault. If I'd have stuck in school, I'd have had more people my own age that can keep up with me intellectually. But I do well enough. I never thought I'd miss the "halcyon" days of East Rowan High School. Feh. Old man is old.

My Eldar Army, it is built and painted. It looks pretty good! But I'm not sure what color or style I want to use for the bases. They're currently painted green, awaiting green flock. But I've been pondering a wasteland or snow/frostscape. I'll flip a coin or something later. John's getting a Tau army! Soon, I'll have an army to face up against! A new army! Eldar v. Tau. Squishy v. Squishy. Unless I want to break out spess mahreens v. Tau. Hammer v. Squishy!!!

I've finally gotten off my lazy ass and started exercising again. Man. I got out of shape bad. I was crazy heavy and sluggish. Gotta fix that. Once again I face the paradox of my left (read: NOT busted) leg being the one that cramps up on the tibial anterior, not my busted-to-hell right leg. It boggles the mind! But it feels good to get out there. I hope I have enough money in my financial aid refund to rejoin the YMCA or another gym with a better price. But the Y is closer. We shall see. I'll be exercising no matter what, but the elliptical machine is easier on my knee.

And good things coming next week. Although I want to punch the anthropomorphic representation of RCCC in the face until dollar coins pop out of its nose. Holding my financial aid ransom until next week! When they will MAIL it!!! ARGH!!!

boy, you're gonna carry that weight

Summer? Where?

Holy crap. It's September. What. The heck. Well, one more semester, and it's a busy one. And it's almost done with the summer, though in practice, my summer is done. And I'm trying an affectation of wardrobe. Because I'm getting old. At home, t-shirts are fine, but I noticed in one of my classes last week that I felt...kinda like I was running around in undies by being in class in just shorts and a t-shirt. So I'm making an effort to use my button-up shirts and polo shirts if I'm going to be going out. Relaxing or doing any work at home, or on weekends, t-shirts are still fine to use. I have some awesome, geeky t-shirts! But my public image is one I'm trying to adultify a bit. I'm still running around untucked these days, but I blame the heat. And my gut. Ha. Most of my polos are just a smidge short for my torso, but I'm shifting from youth-casual to adult-casual.

I like the Art of Manliness and a lot of what it advises (I have a straight razor. It is awesome.), but shirt and tie every day? Yeah. No. I've never been a fan of ties (little nooses!). And if my plan stays on track, I'll be in a suit and tie most days a week anyway (Funeral Honors teams wear dress blues and Class A greens. That's a suit and tie. And hat. All of which have to look immaculate. Argh.) So I'm enjoying the freedom to look a little like a slacker while I still can. Besides, jeans, boots, and an untucked button-up shirt is a good look on me.

In less adult news, my Eldar are just about done. I have one last squad to paint and all the minis I have will be done. And they look pretty good! Not 'Eavy Metal team good, but a lot better than a lot of miniatures I've seen in the last 10 years. My technique has improved a whole lot. And as soon as these space elves are finished, I've got to finish up the changes I've made to my Dark Angels following my acquisition of their latest codex. And I'm already planning other, future armies. I really want the Dark Eldar to get a new codex and figs. They've been using the same models and rules since 1998! But I need to get some playing time in with the armies I have first. Heh.

Also: When will the Final Fantasy XIV Open Beta be back up! DO WANT!!!

summer, summer, summer-time!

Whoa, hey. Where was I?

Dangit. I was almost doing good about regular updates. Ah well, no time like the present.

I went to my first Con last week and had a blast! It was Origins Game Fair on Columbus, Ohio. Columbus? Yes. Columbus. In the far off north where they have neither Cheerwine nor free refills. It was a barbaric place, truly. But the Con was awesome. Geek Chic was there with their AMAZING assortment of gaming furniture. I'd never seen their wares up close. It's one thing to imagine it, it's another to actually sit down at one and run your hands over the finished wood. Oh, how we wants it, precious. I didn't get to see as much of the con as I would have liked, but I was working. It was a trade-off, but not a poor one. I got to meet some really cool people. Without trying, even, I got to know a few nice girls. It's been a really long time since anyone, much less random, if cute, stranger girl commented on and played with my hair. It's an off-switch for me. Ha. Aside from that, I spent many an hour at the Beer Haus in the Convention Center talking about all manner of things with the guys and gals I met there. I have been bit by the Con bug. I must attend more. Must!

I heard back from NCSU (finally) yesterday. And not in a positive. They evaluated my application without my AP credits. Something's up there. And my GPA wasn't what it should have been, either. I guess they were counting non-transferring credits, which makes even less sense. I'm going to call them up bright and early Tuesday, see what's what. If need be, I can scrape up another semester of credits from RCCC, but it's going to be a stretch to get full-time. And I'd rather not do that if I can help it. We'll see.

I'll also be hearing back from a lawyer on Tuesday. I called the DMV this past week and according to them, I need to take care of a thing in Guilford County, pay my restoration fee and boom, I'm driving again. Driving, man. God-willing, it will be a straight-forward issue. Expensive, I can deal with, somehow. Being able to drive will make it a lot easier to get a job/school/life. Way easier. And I have missed my car!

My summer coursework plods along as it will. It's a little bit of a struggle to stay on top of the work, but the more I do now, the less I have to do later. Who knows, maybe I'll bump forward my enlistment plan to this winter instead of the summer upcoming. We'll have to see.

It also seems like this is the year for breakups. Or at least a season for it. Wes and Jenny, Tig and Whatshisface. Mr. and Ms. Cook, friends of the family. I've been helping him out around his place getting some things packed up. I wish I had more to say to him, but I just have my actions. God nudged me to help him, so I am. Even if I can't find the words, I know just my being there has helped. While I wish there was more I could do, I'll do what I can.

Besides, everyone else is just following a trend. I was going through awful break ups before it was cool. So nyeh. ;)

I think I can afford a YMCA membership, again. Hmm....

the rising of the milky way