I, Masochist

Right, so to underscore the generally crappiness that has permeated my life since the 6th, I also shaved off the goatee last Monday. I felt the need to change something. Nothing in a drastic manner, just sublte shifts here and there. Hence the slightly redder hair as well. But I shouldn't have shaved. At least, not when I did. My razor was a little dull. And so I am broken out around my chin like I haven't seen in at least three years. Argh. Curse this sensitive skin I seem to have. I shaved again, which almost helped, with a new razor. Of course I could lay off the soda and grease, but I am too lazy to pack a lunch, and caffiene is the only thing keeping me functioning right now.

"Why not got to bed earlier?"

An excellent question, Timmy. One I shall promptly answer. I don't dream often. I, instead, experience the dreamless, as I call it, Sleep of the Dead. Dreams disrupt my sleep patterns, causing the sleep to be less fulfilling. I do see thing in my sleep, but these are visions. Guideposts in my sleep to note and remember for the future. The last three nights I have had dreams. "Normal" dreams. The dreams are not unpleasant, but the consequences of those dreams are slowly killing me.

"But dreams aren't generally that disruptive for you, even in succession. What's different?"

Another excellent question, Timmy. I was about to explain. Interrupt again and I will break your knee. The dreams I have had for the last three nights have all been about her.

"Who i-*crack!*-AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!"

I told him. Holly, you dumbass kid. Very pleasant dreams. Non-sexual, but we're together, happy. And then I am dragged into consciousness, much against my will, into the cold world where I am without such treasures as the caress of the woman I love.

Melodrama! Melodrama!

What do you want? I'm an actor, or at least I can be. I write with flourish and vocabulary. Of course, I'll dramatize things a bit. But it is no less true. I'm also "crashing" thanks to what could be an addiction to intimate contact. To clarify, however, the contact is physical, but the intimacy is not. For me, intimate contact, is contact with one I am intimate with. Through that contact I can feel that person's heart and soul. I can feel love in that contact. It's why I'm such a physical guy. I'm an empath. I can feel what others are feeling. It's real easy to become...accustomed to such contact. And it's really hard to come off of. For years I kept myself from it, or it was kept from me. And then there was Holly. That armor came off so fast, it was broken in several places. I opened myself up and let the flood take me. A little foolish, perhaps, abandoning all protection. But after being without it for so very long...I saw no other course to take. And it's been hard going back to a much less hypersensitive level of empathy. It's really hard at work. It's very cold there. Everyone's closed off. Work and when I'm alone. Just a whole lot of emptiness. I stand and stare at depression rolling in like a terrible summer thunderstorm. And I hate it because just that afternoon was a beautiful summer day. The first sunny day after so many days and weeks of mud and rain and clouds. I hate it because I knew it was coming. I hate it because there's nothing I can do about it. I am depressed. And I know that only time will shake me out of it.

But right now I'm just all out of patience. I gathered it all up and stored it away in one place. And that place is gone, taking all of my patience with it.

In more amusing news, however, David Willis, creator of It's Walky! and Shortpacked!, has the perfect idea for pitching Customer Service Plans. Long live retail!

what a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you

The Lost

So is it that I have lost her? Or is it closer to say that, in trying to get lost, it is she who has lost me? Once she was scared of that. So scared she was willing to do something she wasn't ready for to keep from losing me. In my selfishness, I let her do it. But she has people in her life. The only way I fit into her life was as her boyfriend. I just can't fit in as only her friend. She has lost me. I was hoping to still fit in her life somehow. I just don't see how it's possible. I would have given up my wings for her. I would have forfeited the skies.

So this time you have lost me. But it was through no lack of effort on my part. I did everything right as I know how. I want to be a part of your life, but I can't be. Though it's not anything on my end that's keeping me from fitting in. No doubt Andy is quite pleased. But you're going to be hard pressed to find anyone like me again. Someone as understanding, as loving, as giving, as patient, as forgiving as I was. And I was willing to give more than I had already. You know how much more I would have given to you. But if you ever find you can fit me into your life again, I'm not hard to find. Just walk towards the light in the darkness. There you will find the warmth and strength of the love I wanted to give to you.

do you think you're better off alone

Geek Squad!

Work gave me a Geek Squad t-shirt to help promote the department. Normally, I'm not a corporate whore. But BestBuy was cool before I started working there. And then they gave me a Geek Squad shirt. Geek Squad!!! Anyway. Picture of me, with my lighter, slightly redder hair in the most awesomest t-shirt evar!!!1

Even in My Dreams

Nowhere am I safe, not even in my dreams. At least I got to see her, though. I wonder if I can remember the message I was trying to give her.

"See? This is precisely what I was made to do. To stride into the Heart of Chaos and provide safety, stability, hope, a Heart of Order, Love."

That's about half of it. There was more, but being dragged out of a dream and into consciousness against my will made it fuzzy. I do remember what was going on at least. It was a fantasy setting. She was her wild mage, I was my cleric. Night time battle, strange creatures, we were surrounded. And then the message. And then consciousness.

Rah.

wouldn't you love to love her

Lighter Shades

There now. That's better. My hair's a much better color. I'm a dark blond once again. And the blue has returned to my eyes. Which means one of two things. When I'm down my eyes are blue. If I'm happy, I have grey eyes. Though, to be fair, the blue in my eyes is fairly greyed.

I get the impression that my time is done and I will be soon forgotten. But it doesn't matter. I will never forget the time we spent, no matter how short it was.

behind blue eyes

Character Divergence

So I'm taking a shower. No, not right now, though a shower proof computer would be kinda awesome. I take long showers. Showers are meditation time for me. I am at peace in the water. Pools, showers, hot tubs, rivers, oceans. Not on the water, though I'm not unfond of ships, but in the water. So I'm running my latest snippets of story through my head and I realize there's been a vast divergence in the characters in the snippets from the characters in the original concept. Jed, starting as a man with a dark past and mysterious spiritual powers became a half-elf/half-demon with a dark past and mysterious spiritual powers. There are a couple of character ideas for Fae that can't come out with the current story. Fae's supposed to be a mage with unpredictable magic. There's a scene I'm thinking of where Fae is reluctant to cast a spell in a critical moment. Her magic had been escalating in amounts and size of failures. Jed tells her to cast it anyway, combining his holy powers with her magic. True to it's unpredictable fashion, she hits a major leyline or some such and FOOOSHIFOOOOM!!! I dunno. I think I need to re-read and post the first stuff I wrote, start over. I like the confrontation with slash introduction of Drandor, brother of Jed. Drandor is one of the oldest characters I ever devised. Mage, mad, wields a spear. Of course, it was only recently that the character and Drandor were revealed to me to be the same. Fae and Kyrie's relationship might change. I like the sister angle, but I don't know if it will work with what I have in mind. Angel and Shad have both only been mentioned in name here, though Angel is the second character introduced after Jed in the order of the story as I have it in my head. Rah. Stuff.

And I really need to revist Snippet 7. It was supposed to be about the bond between Jed and Fae. It became...something else. My brain got an itch to write that scene a certain way, and it went. Editting can be done, though.

to me my board! and run over that man's unconscious body while you're at it

Non-PC Observation

Since working at BestBuy, I have been introduced to a couple of brands of car stereo equipment. One of which is Dual. Dual is cheap. And I mean cheap. Low quality, light-weight plastic crap. It does do one thing well, though. It pushes bass. Now. Who will be surprised when I tell you that a lot of black guys come in and say things like "dude, that's tight, yo." Middle-aged white guys go straight for the Alpines. Younger white guys go for the the Sonys and Pioneers. Over half the black guy go straight for the Dual.

I'm just sayin'.

In other news, it's really boring and lonesome around here. Chris is off at drill, Holly's...yeah, Heather's in Arizona visiting the ren-fest there, and anyone else I'd hang out with is busy or gone. Rah.

can anybody find me somebody to love

Keeping the Balance

Today was a day that will be remembered for a while. It started pretty good. Lani brought some Krispy Kreme over with her last night. So Krispy Kreme for breakfast. Yay!

*rrrrrrrrt* Sorry. It's 2AM, Saturday morning. Just pretend I posted this a few hours ago. This is a recollection of Friday.

I even left with plenty of time to get gas and be in at work early for a change. Only I ran out of gas one block away from the gas station. Which put me all of one block out from the apartment. Argh! Luckily, Chris was right behind me. So I got a little gas and made it to work only 8 minutes late. Again. But today was payday! Yay! Only I go to Wal-Mart to get my check cashed and grab a bite only to find, after being on hold for 15 minutes, that Wal-Mart doesn't like BestBuy. So I didn't get to eat. Argh! One of my co-workers, a fellow Justin, informed me that I should try Harris Teeter as he, also, learned the hard way that Wal-Mart doesn't like Best Buy checks. Yay! Only the check reader thing for processing payroll checks at the Harris Teeter was busted. Argh! So I'm going to try and run up to Harris Teeter before I go in. I know I've got at least enough gas for the weekend. And I do have a little change so maybe I don't starve tomorrow.

Tomorrow better be better than today. That's all I'm saying. Times like this are when having...someone...would be really nice. Really nice.

build your wall, behind it crawl and hide until it's light

Snippets 7 and 8

More snippets of the Chronicles of Jed. I warn you, though. Snippet 7 is not intended for anyone under the age of legal. If you read it and are offended, it's not my fault, I warned you.

Snippet 7(TV-MA)
Snippet 8

Mmm. Insomnia sucks. At least I don't have to be in at work until 2PM. I think. I dunno. Rah. Tired. Sleep now. I hope someone enjoys this story so far.

love and darkness and my sidearm

Medication or Addiction?

A steady flow of caffiene and music are getting me through my days these, um, days. I never thought work would make me feel better than what I felt when I clocked in. Of course, in selling car stereo stuff, I get to listen to music. The music I want to listen to most of the time. It's the awesome. And a steady flow of pepsi. I am a caffiene addict. I admit this. So I drink me some caffiene, listen to electronic music, and my mood is upped a bit. And by the time the caffiene wears off, my mood is lifted by the tunes. Hurrah.

give me the beat, boys, and free my soul

Interesting Sensation.

Ok. I thought I was ok. Hadn't seen or talked to her since Sunday. She'd been off at her grandmother's, I think, for a few days. But then I see her name pop up on the ol' buddy list. Nope. Not ok. That sinking feeling in the chest. Yeah. Suck.

nothing compares to you

Rest and Boredom

So it's been a fairly boring past couple of days, these days off. Got my mail at least. My Airsoft H&K G36 came in, and it's awesome. Had dinner with Hugh and Harold Fisher, and Dr. Lloyd in Rockwell last night, which was a good time. Harold and Dr. Lloyd are dirty old curmudgeons and always amusing company, and Hugh's like family. So it's like getting together with a cousin and your two crazy old uncles for dinner at the local barbeque joint. God bless the South. Or maybe rural America. Or rural Southern America. Yeah.

Today wasn't nearly as exciting. Michelle the Morris Dancer came up last night to hang out with Chris, Doug, and me. She's pretty fun company and all, but Ham's for lunch and Firefly for dinner isn't particularly exciting. It doesn't help that she's another pretty amazing girl I can't date.

*sigh* I miss Holly. Not that I'd let anyone see that. They won't see it coming from me. Maybe if they see my eyes, know what to look for. They can see it here, and they should know, I suppose. But I have a high tolerance for pain. I don't like pain. I'm just built to take it. But I do miss her.

she moves in mysterious ways

Snippets in the LiveJournal.

I've been writing bits and pieces of a story I've titled the Chronicles of Jed. The pieces here are snippets I write as I am inspired, but the actual beginning parts of the story exist in my real journal. Sometimes I just feel better writing with pencil on paper. Anyway, I'm going to post the links here right now.

Introduction

The other three are all sequential parts of one chapter/scene/act/whatever.

Snippet no. 3
Snippet no. 5
Snippet no. 6

And that's it for now.

reading I will die alone

Call Me Detective

So I solved a crime today at work! Let me set the scene. Some guys were asking about speakers for a Honda Accord, 6 1/2" speakers. There are four speaker boxes involved. The target is an Alpine 6 1/2" Component, Speaker A, worth $250. There are three others. Speaker B is a pair of $150 Alpine 6 1/2", Speaker C is a Kenwood 6 1/2", Speaker D is an Alpine 6"x9". I was helping a customer, separated by a large room of speakers and amps. With the subwoofers going, I heard nothing either. I finish with the customer and start making my usual circuit, when I notice two managers and three other employees around one guy, tempers high, words firm. On the floor was about 6 speakers and pieces and emptied and open boxes. The guy gets arrested. I start cleaning up a bit, managers are still going back and forth. So here's what I discovered. It seems, they started off by trying to swap Speaker A and Speaker C. They left Speaker C in the Speaker A box, even though the Speaker A box was far larger. Then they grabbed Speaker B, only to find that Speaker A's foam insert won't fit in the Speaker B box. So then they swap out the speakers from A and B, but the component pieces wouldn't fit in the insert. So they grabbed Speaker D, but just as they were opening it up, it seems the guy(s) got caught. Bam!

but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need

The Morning After.

It occured to me in the shower this morning that someone might look at me and think me unaffected by this weekend. That someone could look at my lack of breakdown and think "Did he really love her? If he loved her as much as he says he did, why is he as calm as he is?" I can hear Michelle asking something like that. But there are reasons for my state of being.

For starters, and most importantly, my Faith carries me. Faith, Hope, and Love and all that. I have Faith that I was where I was supposed to be. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Tied into that, I have been blessed with a big heart. A strong heart. It was built to love, and to handle all the slings and arrows and wounds that come with it.

Third, I'm still being strong for her. If I broke down and wept for my pain, she would feel worse. It will ease her worries if she knows I'm ok. Unlike many times in the past, there was no ill will, just sadness. And as awful as sadness is, it's a blessing compared to bitterness and hurt and regret.

Fourth, as is the way of things in my most recent years, I saw this coming. I saw the glaring potential for a bad end, but I went in anyway. To love in the face of darkness is a far better thing than avoiding love because you might get hurt. And for the past week or two the phrase "This isn't going to work, is it?" has been in my head. So I saw this coming. I refused it, denied it, worked against it from the beginning. Because as Yes said, "Love will find a way."

So, basically, it comes to this. I am making it through this because I am strong. I have always been strong. I will continue to be strong.

I blessed her before I left. Prayed over her and for her right then and there. It was important she have soemthing to remember how much I love her. So if you see me, know that just because I am strong, does not mean I do not hurt. But I am strong. And the time I spent with her is part of the reason for that strength.

Tired. For real this time.

Eight hour day yesterday. Plus Plum Krazy's, because I needed the wind down. Bone Daddy was awesome, and the music helped. Nine hour day today. Which started at 8AM. When means I was up at 7AM. And I couldn't fall asleep until around 4 or 5AM. Even though they fed me twice today at work, I still felt like crap. Knees and legs are ow. And right now I'm in a frustating paradox. I spent a couple of hours holding Holly. But...

I would have given up my wings to be with her. I would have left everything behind to follow her where ever her life took her. I wanted to give up myself to her. But I remain Justin the Winged. The Wise. The Strong. The Pure. Iustis the Alone.

I saw this end.

I regret nothing.

I love her.

cryin' won't help ya, prayin' won't do ya no good

Tired, at least I was.

Yep, I was tired, really tired, right up until the point I actually tried to go to sleep. Which is how it happens every night. Can't fall asleep of my own will, heaven's no. I might could doze off while trying to do something else, but nothing for trying to go to sleep. Funny thing about those stubbornly conscious moments when I'm trying to fall asleep. I think of all those important things I meant to say, but either forgot or lost the words for. But I need to remember them. Because they need to be said. But that's just how it goes. It's always a problem right up to the point when I'm actually with her. Then it doesn't matter any more because I'm, y'know, with her. And even though I exist in parts in the past and in parts in the future, when I'm with her, all of me is focused on that single moment with her. I am a little depressed, though, at the thought of her going off for a summer internship. But that's what I get for falling in love with a theatre major. She interviewed for a couple of internships in Boone and Charlotte. Which would be, in my biased and admittedly selfish point of view, acceptable. I could take the odd three day weekend and pop in for a visit to either of those places fairly inexpensively. Even Georgia could be worked around. She mentioned one in Connecticut, though. That will be the difficulty. But let us not work ourselves into mopishness months ahead of schedule. There is all of March, April, and May before that becomes an issue. There is whispered talk of going to GARF Memorial Day weekend. Which would be most swell. And hopefully she'll be done with any of her SETC stuff by the time I get off of work on Sunday. Because after a 9 hour day starting at 8AM, I'm going to need some time with her. It's now 3:05 and I am wide awake. What the heck. Blargh. I was really looking forward to 10 hours of sleep. Looks like I'll be lucky if I get 6, given my insomnia. Gorram.

Is it April yet? Having Doug wake me up at 8 every morning so he can watch TV is getting really farging old. I understand that I'm sleeping in the living room. But still. If all he's going to do is sit around for 4 hours, couldn't he just sleep like I do? Why start your day with relaxation, then go to work? Get up, get the working out of the way, then the relaxation and fun. At least that seems reasonable and logical to me. I'm so very ready for my queen-sized waterbed in my own humungoid room.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Random rambling. Because insomnia is the most stupid of afflictions to befall mankind.

Gentlemen! Behold! I give you...lyrics!

Unchain me, sister - Thou shall not fear

Master of Retail!

So, not having had any official training, I ran a register today. With no problems. Because I'm awesome at retail. I sold a lot of stuff, making up most of our budget for the day. Because I'm awesome at retail. My pants are all fitting and stuff with their 34" of waist band. Because I'm awesome in general. Even to be retail and dealing with people all day, I'm really liking this job. Almost as much as Games Workshop, and easily as much as Chick-fil-A. Though with time, Best Buy could easily become cooler than Games Workshop ever was. Because in 80 days, my medical/dental/vision insurance kicks in. And in about 20 days my discount kicks in. Hoooah!

i don't wanna touch you too much baby
cause makin' love to you might drive me crazy

Improvement! Huzzoy!

So they finally gave me my Best Buy shirts. No more using my own polos. I'm also in the system for using of registers, which is a plus. And I've worked something out so that I'm not hurting near as much financially as I was, and I'm helping Doug get a car. Exciting. And ever more exciting, I bought new khakis after work from Old Navy. On a whim, and because they lacked any 36x34's, I tried on a pair of 34x34 pants. And they fit. Rah!

i need you now

2 down, 44 to go.

If I can survive the next 44 days, I'll be ok. If I can make it that far, I'll have made it to the weekend Chris, Doug, and I move in at Bridford Lake. But I've got to make it there. At least the important thing is back to what it should be. That'll help. It's just all that stuff the rest of the world thinks is important. It'll all work out somehow, I suppose. It has before, it will again.

Holly and I saw Constantine last night. It was a pretty cool movie. The effects they used were really innovative, I thought, in their concept. I find myself quite intrigued by the character and the comic series, but I don't think I'll be able to look into it anytime soon. Comic books are expensive to catch up on.

I am, however, faced with something difficult. While there's at least some time before it'll come up, it's still something I have to face. It seems there's not a large market for stage managers in Greensboro. So it seems that Holly is likely to end up getting a job somewhere not in Greensboro, which could very well mean not even in North Carolina. I can't take a stance other than loving and supporting, no matter what happens. Any other stance would be selfish. And I can't do that. I can't allow myself to be the thing that weighs her down. It might be that she finds work here in Greensboro, which is what I'm praying for. It might be that she finds something in Winston or Raleigh, which could be worked with. It might not end up so fortunate. But no matter how it ends up, I can't do anything but to love Holly as much as I can for as long as the fates allow us to be together and pray for the best.

all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us