Ah, Rain.

It rained today. Something I was very much thankful for. I thoroughly enjoy a very strange past time in the Spring and Summer. Whenever there's a nice shower, I take off my shoes and go stand in the rain. Let it wash over me. Wiggle my toes in the water and mud. Very theraputic. But then, contact with water usually is. Swimming, hot tubs, showers, standing in the rain. All very much the same for me. It's just unfortunate that so very few people enjoy it like I do. It's a little more fun if there's someone in the rain with you.

call on me, call me

It's a Beautiful Day

It is an absolutely gorgeous day outside today. In fact I'm coming to you live from the patio of our soon to be former apartment. Fresh air! Whee! Cold Killian's and fair weather. I feel much refreshed. And I needed to feel refreshed. And I have one more day off! And I get to get off of work early Friday and Saturday! All is most excellent! In fact, Chris, Doug, and I might just be able to get the heck out of here and into the wonderfully amazing new place a lot sooner than anticipated. Chris and Doug hatched an intriguing plan. Doug gets a personal loan to cover our moving expenses and a little extra so Doug can get his insurance and such set up for his lisence and so's he can finish buying Skywarp. Maybe all in one day! Wouldn't that be awesome? I think it would be. So yeah. We're excited.

twenty dollars or more

My Feet Are T3h Hurt

Three days. Three days in a row I have had to close when I wasn't scheduled to. Sunday, I was supposed to get off at 6:30. I got off at 7:15, closing. Yesterday, 8:00. Got out at 10:15. Because both days people called in. And yesterday I was the only person of the three scheduled to show up. And today. Ah, today. I opened, got in at 9:15. And my closer neglected to come in. Again. Only today he didn't call in. So instead of getting out at 5:45, I was out at 10:20. Twelve hours, five minutes. Man does that suck for the leg. Rah.

Is it May yet?

i just wanna make love to you

Awkward, a Definition

So Holly and I went out to grab a bite, chat a little. Not a lot. Somewhat on purpose. I figured that the first time we saw each other since we parted, it was best if I kept things light. It was a little awkward, but only because there were things I wanted to say, gestures I wanted to give that I couldn't. I did, at least, get the feeling she was glad to see me in some measure and meaning or another. However, Lani's here now. Lani...has no fondness for Holly. Which sucks. Because Lani was here when she picked me up. Yeah. Hostility, yum. And Lani gives me this look when I come in. Yay. Lani is Chris' fiance. But we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. Holly and religion being the biggest. But knowing Lani, if I say something about it, things will explode and she'll cry and Chris will tear me a new one for making his wife cry. So I get to sit here and stew. And the fact that I have to sit here and listen to AIM "dling!" every time she sends and receives a message because apparently the notion of turning off the sounds is lost on her, isn't helping. Nor is the fact that my bedroom is the living room so I can't precisely go to my room for some privacy. Rah. I wish Holly felt she was welcome here. Dinner, if it can be called that, was pleasant enough. If brief. Maybe next time we'll have a little more time together. Which would be nice I think.

Self-absorbed, pretentious Jesus-Freak, indeed.

oh and i, i will survive

Yes, Still Awesome

So I'm still awesome at work. Continuing to impress the bosses I am. Which all adds up to high likelihood of a raise after my 90 day evaluation. Unfortunately, that's not going to do anything for the raising of funds to move with, but oh well. Securing my position at work is slightly more important for the long term. Though if the customers could maybe not wait until I have a truck to put up while my closer is on break to come in by the dozens, press lots of buttons, ask the same question 30 ways to receive the same answer and still not understand, and still not buy anything, that would be just awesome.

I wish I could be eating food with Holly tonight, but even if were plausible, it wouldn't be wise. What with her being sick, stressed, tired, stressed, sore from a cracked rib, and stressed, going out would be a stupid idea. I hope she gets a good night's sleep for once. She needs it. Wish I could do something to help.

Watching The Mummy Returns has reminded me of a couple of things. First, I really like Brendan Fraser's role in it. It was actually a bit of a range stretching role for him, since he usually plays naive nice guy roles in dramas or family-friendly comedies. Of course, I have a tendency to like actors with similar features to me. "See? There's a tall, semi-broad, semi-goofy nice guy! Fairly popular and not a wiry, scraggly pretty boy weirdo. The is hope for me.!" Also? Midnight blue cloth and brown leather? Still an awesome combo.

Hungry. Rah.

i'm calling it love soon

Yay Tarheels!

Wow. That was a game. Started behind, worked slowly to the lead and held it. But man. What an intense game. I've got to give it up to Villanova for closing it back up to a one point game with 1.8 seconds left. But Tarheels won. In other news, fie on NC State and Duke for losing! I was looking forward to an NCSU v. UNC game in the Elite Eight and Duke v. UNC in the Final Four. Now that would have been an awesome game.

Yep. Still so very excited about the move. Check out the floor plan here. I'm in the top left bedroom, Doug's got the study/bedroom, Chris the master bedroom. Whee.

but just don't deceive me

And we're in...over our head.

Camden Wendover. Bite our asses. $1500 to move out?! Wtf?! There's 3.5 people stuck in a 2 bedroom apartment. Bridford Lake is nicer. It's got a better pool. With a better hot tub. With a gazebo over a lake with a huge deck. And NO speedbumps. And PLENTY of parking. And why is there no parking? Because there's about 4 cars to each apartment, save ours, in our building. That's about 22 cars (including Chris' and mine) for around 12 spaces. What the frak? Which sucks because on the top of us having a heavy deposit due to our less than stellar combined credit.

Rah.

we're not gonna take it

And we're in!

Chris got a call/letter/something from Bridford Lake. We're in! Yay! We're super excited! We're not really sure what to do with ourselves, it's so awesome. How on earth are we going to make it until the 30th, though?! Yargh!

i'm movin' out

Eyes of Blue Fire

That's me as of tonight. Kinda random picture, but I've bought some hair relaxing/straightening stuff to try and tame the curl. Seems to have done a fairly decent job. Also, my eyes are a lot bluer than they really should be. Man. I never noticed how closed my right eye is. Curse that falling off my top bunk bed and splitting my eyelid open when I was five. That and the left is supposed to be the devil's side anyway. So the left eye gets to be all open and creepifying.

Also, Lenore says I should post this:

"What is sense to some, is nonsense to many. what is nonsense to many, is often the wisdom of those on High."

i'm calling it love soon

22 Down, 39 to go.

So it's looking like April 30th is the move date. Yuck. But it's still coming. Still living with the hole, but that's something I'm going to have to live with for a while. Work, of all things, is helping me. It takes my mind off things, I get to listen to music all day. My discount was active as of today. Which is cool. Also, I might be able to transfer to Computer Sales instead of working Car Audio. While I can make more money over in Computers, Car Audio is more laid back. It's something I'll have to think about.

Holly's in a tough spot. She's torn between taking a semester off or trying to keep going. Her grades are in poor shape, and she's not been entirely honest with her parents about it. Having been there, I know how much it sucks. Yes, I keep tabs on her. I don't wanna hear it. I still love her. Still haven't given up on the idea of us being together. Maybe not right now, but someday soon. Just gotta be there if she needs me.

mai ai hee, mai ai ho, mai ai hu, mai ai ha-ha

Strange Days

Today was a weird one. Work was long, as usual, though I impressed the first of several bosses by selling a number of Service Plans. I'm not entirely comfortable with suggesting them, mostly because of the high rate of rejection. But I flipped the "people are stupid, rip them off" switch and did so in quick order. I sold $130 worth of plans in about under an hour, impressing the boss and allowing me to relax on it for the rest of the day. And who would have thought that my combat boots would be more comfortable than my regular brown boot/shoes? Not me. Though instead of killing my feet, both knees, and the back, it's just my right knee. A lot. And I got out of work late today, because I was in the middle of helping a customer. But that's more time for me. Not so nice right now, but it will be nice on the next paycheck. So I get home, change, and Chris and I go grab the bite before hitting Plum Krazy's. While there, Chris relates to me that Chris' application fee, and the advantage fee were being waived, as per his veteran status. And then he tells me that my application fee was being waived. Because I work at BestBuy.

O.O

I mean, wtf? That's just awesome. Have I mentioned how awesome this job is? Oh! Further fun from work: nametags. Thursday, the store manager head honcho guy stops me as I'm walking towards the break room for a drink. My first thought: What the hell did I do so fast? Turns out, he was tired of Scott, our Operations Manager, being a slacker, and he was giving me an interim nametag. Which consisted of using an old nametag for Stefani and printing out a label with my name on it to put over it. So that's a yellow nametag with this huge whie strip across the front with my name on it. Ghe toh. But when I was checking out my drink at the Loss Prevention stand at the door, I saw a pile of Brand Spanking New (TM) "platinum" (I don't make up the color, it's what the Store Manager Head Honcho Guy called it. I call it silver.) nametags. And mine is on the top! Score! Non-Ghe Toh nametag! Only I get back to Car Audio and instead of reading "Justin J/Mobile Electronics Specialist" it reads "Justin J/Computer Specialist." While I am more knowledgable in computers than car audio, I work in Car Audio. I applied for Computer sales. Oy. Oh well. I'll take it. The tag looks better, and now I look all multi-skilled.

So we're at Plum Krazy's after the Steak n' Shake, and Even/Odds is there. They're a right rockin' band. Just a really good bar venue chemistry. And they had Guiness!! OMG!! They apparently had some left over from St. Patty's Day. But hey, score us! Normally I have a Red Oak, which is a very tasty Greensboro local brew. But Guiness is Guiness, man. And then, some ladies Chris knows seem to have become concerned over my apparent lack of a good time. I was having a good time, despite appearances. If it's me and Chris, I'm just there for a beer and some good music. Tonight was no exception, given that I was tired and my knee was (and still is) quite sore. But for Golden Earring's "Radar Love" they asked me to come out on the dance floor with them and Chris. They were nice about it, so it was cool. But it's been a really long time since I was asked to dance. Not since Michelle came up to Greensboro last summer was I asked to hit the floor. This is not to say that I do not like to dance. I enjoy dancing a good deal. I just find myself lacking anyone to dance with. The few times I have been there with a girl, I have danced. Tonight all that was in me was the one, sadly.

Other than that, I am going to hell. Not immediately. Around the beginning of October. Won't be because I started something, rather that I finished it. Chris knows what I'm talking about. If you are curious, well, I'm not going to just spill the beans here for everyone to see. Feel free to ask, though.

and the wheel goes round and round

I, Masochist

Right, so to underscore the generally crappiness that has permeated my life since the 6th, I also shaved off the goatee last Monday. I felt the need to change something. Nothing in a drastic manner, just sublte shifts here and there. Hence the slightly redder hair as well. But I shouldn't have shaved. At least, not when I did. My razor was a little dull. And so I am broken out around my chin like I haven't seen in at least three years. Argh. Curse this sensitive skin I seem to have. I shaved again, which almost helped, with a new razor. Of course I could lay off the soda and grease, but I am too lazy to pack a lunch, and caffiene is the only thing keeping me functioning right now.

"Why not got to bed earlier?"

An excellent question, Timmy. One I shall promptly answer. I don't dream often. I, instead, experience the dreamless, as I call it, Sleep of the Dead. Dreams disrupt my sleep patterns, causing the sleep to be less fulfilling. I do see thing in my sleep, but these are visions. Guideposts in my sleep to note and remember for the future. The last three nights I have had dreams. "Normal" dreams. The dreams are not unpleasant, but the consequences of those dreams are slowly killing me.

"But dreams aren't generally that disruptive for you, even in succession. What's different?"

Another excellent question, Timmy. I was about to explain. Interrupt again and I will break your knee. The dreams I have had for the last three nights have all been about her.

"Who i-*crack!*-AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!"

I told him. Holly, you dumbass kid. Very pleasant dreams. Non-sexual, but we're together, happy. And then I am dragged into consciousness, much against my will, into the cold world where I am without such treasures as the caress of the woman I love.

Melodrama! Melodrama!

What do you want? I'm an actor, or at least I can be. I write with flourish and vocabulary. Of course, I'll dramatize things a bit. But it is no less true. I'm also "crashing" thanks to what could be an addiction to intimate contact. To clarify, however, the contact is physical, but the intimacy is not. For me, intimate contact, is contact with one I am intimate with. Through that contact I can feel that person's heart and soul. I can feel love in that contact. It's why I'm such a physical guy. I'm an empath. I can feel what others are feeling. It's real easy to become...accustomed to such contact. And it's really hard to come off of. For years I kept myself from it, or it was kept from me. And then there was Holly. That armor came off so fast, it was broken in several places. I opened myself up and let the flood take me. A little foolish, perhaps, abandoning all protection. But after being without it for so very long...I saw no other course to take. And it's been hard going back to a much less hypersensitive level of empathy. It's really hard at work. It's very cold there. Everyone's closed off. Work and when I'm alone. Just a whole lot of emptiness. I stand and stare at depression rolling in like a terrible summer thunderstorm. And I hate it because just that afternoon was a beautiful summer day. The first sunny day after so many days and weeks of mud and rain and clouds. I hate it because I knew it was coming. I hate it because there's nothing I can do about it. I am depressed. And I know that only time will shake me out of it.

But right now I'm just all out of patience. I gathered it all up and stored it away in one place. And that place is gone, taking all of my patience with it.

In more amusing news, however, David Willis, creator of It's Walky! and Shortpacked!, has the perfect idea for pitching Customer Service Plans. Long live retail!

what a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you

The Lost

So is it that I have lost her? Or is it closer to say that, in trying to get lost, it is she who has lost me? Once she was scared of that. So scared she was willing to do something she wasn't ready for to keep from losing me. In my selfishness, I let her do it. But she has people in her life. The only way I fit into her life was as her boyfriend. I just can't fit in as only her friend. She has lost me. I was hoping to still fit in her life somehow. I just don't see how it's possible. I would have given up my wings for her. I would have forfeited the skies.

So this time you have lost me. But it was through no lack of effort on my part. I did everything right as I know how. I want to be a part of your life, but I can't be. Though it's not anything on my end that's keeping me from fitting in. No doubt Andy is quite pleased. But you're going to be hard pressed to find anyone like me again. Someone as understanding, as loving, as giving, as patient, as forgiving as I was. And I was willing to give more than I had already. You know how much more I would have given to you. But if you ever find you can fit me into your life again, I'm not hard to find. Just walk towards the light in the darkness. There you will find the warmth and strength of the love I wanted to give to you.

do you think you're better off alone

Geek Squad!

Work gave me a Geek Squad t-shirt to help promote the department. Normally, I'm not a corporate whore. But BestBuy was cool before I started working there. And then they gave me a Geek Squad shirt. Geek Squad!!! Anyway. Picture of me, with my lighter, slightly redder hair in the most awesomest t-shirt evar!!!1

Even in My Dreams

Nowhere am I safe, not even in my dreams. At least I got to see her, though. I wonder if I can remember the message I was trying to give her.

"See? This is precisely what I was made to do. To stride into the Heart of Chaos and provide safety, stability, hope, a Heart of Order, Love."

That's about half of it. There was more, but being dragged out of a dream and into consciousness against my will made it fuzzy. I do remember what was going on at least. It was a fantasy setting. She was her wild mage, I was my cleric. Night time battle, strange creatures, we were surrounded. And then the message. And then consciousness.

Rah.

wouldn't you love to love her

Lighter Shades

There now. That's better. My hair's a much better color. I'm a dark blond once again. And the blue has returned to my eyes. Which means one of two things. When I'm down my eyes are blue. If I'm happy, I have grey eyes. Though, to be fair, the blue in my eyes is fairly greyed.

I get the impression that my time is done and I will be soon forgotten. But it doesn't matter. I will never forget the time we spent, no matter how short it was.

behind blue eyes

Character Divergence

So I'm taking a shower. No, not right now, though a shower proof computer would be kinda awesome. I take long showers. Showers are meditation time for me. I am at peace in the water. Pools, showers, hot tubs, rivers, oceans. Not on the water, though I'm not unfond of ships, but in the water. So I'm running my latest snippets of story through my head and I realize there's been a vast divergence in the characters in the snippets from the characters in the original concept. Jed, starting as a man with a dark past and mysterious spiritual powers became a half-elf/half-demon with a dark past and mysterious spiritual powers. There are a couple of character ideas for Fae that can't come out with the current story. Fae's supposed to be a mage with unpredictable magic. There's a scene I'm thinking of where Fae is reluctant to cast a spell in a critical moment. Her magic had been escalating in amounts and size of failures. Jed tells her to cast it anyway, combining his holy powers with her magic. True to it's unpredictable fashion, she hits a major leyline or some such and FOOOSHIFOOOOM!!! I dunno. I think I need to re-read and post the first stuff I wrote, start over. I like the confrontation with slash introduction of Drandor, brother of Jed. Drandor is one of the oldest characters I ever devised. Mage, mad, wields a spear. Of course, it was only recently that the character and Drandor were revealed to me to be the same. Fae and Kyrie's relationship might change. I like the sister angle, but I don't know if it will work with what I have in mind. Angel and Shad have both only been mentioned in name here, though Angel is the second character introduced after Jed in the order of the story as I have it in my head. Rah. Stuff.

And I really need to revist Snippet 7. It was supposed to be about the bond between Jed and Fae. It became...something else. My brain got an itch to write that scene a certain way, and it went. Editting can be done, though.

to me my board! and run over that man's unconscious body while you're at it

Non-PC Observation

Since working at BestBuy, I have been introduced to a couple of brands of car stereo equipment. One of which is Dual. Dual is cheap. And I mean cheap. Low quality, light-weight plastic crap. It does do one thing well, though. It pushes bass. Now. Who will be surprised when I tell you that a lot of black guys come in and say things like "dude, that's tight, yo." Middle-aged white guys go straight for the Alpines. Younger white guys go for the the Sonys and Pioneers. Over half the black guy go straight for the Dual.

I'm just sayin'.

In other news, it's really boring and lonesome around here. Chris is off at drill, Holly's...yeah, Heather's in Arizona visiting the ren-fest there, and anyone else I'd hang out with is busy or gone. Rah.

can anybody find me somebody to love

Keeping the Balance

Today was a day that will be remembered for a while. It started pretty good. Lani brought some Krispy Kreme over with her last night. So Krispy Kreme for breakfast. Yay!

*rrrrrrrrt* Sorry. It's 2AM, Saturday morning. Just pretend I posted this a few hours ago. This is a recollection of Friday.

I even left with plenty of time to get gas and be in at work early for a change. Only I ran out of gas one block away from the gas station. Which put me all of one block out from the apartment. Argh! Luckily, Chris was right behind me. So I got a little gas and made it to work only 8 minutes late. Again. But today was payday! Yay! Only I go to Wal-Mart to get my check cashed and grab a bite only to find, after being on hold for 15 minutes, that Wal-Mart doesn't like BestBuy. So I didn't get to eat. Argh! One of my co-workers, a fellow Justin, informed me that I should try Harris Teeter as he, also, learned the hard way that Wal-Mart doesn't like Best Buy checks. Yay! Only the check reader thing for processing payroll checks at the Harris Teeter was busted. Argh! So I'm going to try and run up to Harris Teeter before I go in. I know I've got at least enough gas for the weekend. And I do have a little change so maybe I don't starve tomorrow.

Tomorrow better be better than today. That's all I'm saying. Times like this are when having...someone...would be really nice. Really nice.

build your wall, behind it crawl and hide until it's light

Snippets 7 and 8

More snippets of the Chronicles of Jed. I warn you, though. Snippet 7 is not intended for anyone under the age of legal. If you read it and are offended, it's not my fault, I warned you.

Snippet 7(TV-MA)
Snippet 8

Mmm. Insomnia sucks. At least I don't have to be in at work until 2PM. I think. I dunno. Rah. Tired. Sleep now. I hope someone enjoys this story so far.

love and darkness and my sidearm