Tuesday, October 13, 2009

October, So Far.

So it's been awhile since my last post. I've been busy and, frankly, not in much a mood to spill forth my rantings online. At least, not published or public. I have no idea how my weight loss is going. It's likely slow, but I haven't weighed myself in almost two weeks. Last weigh in was at 256. Not bad, really. I'll probably break down and weigh in again on Monday. But I'm just going to try and go over the last couple of weeks.

Couch-to-5K: An excellent program. Unfortunately halfway through week 2 I decided I wanted to catch a fever. So the running program and workouts have been on hold. Not great for the metabolism, but I've been eating waaaay healthier lately. And in smaller portions. I still eat when sick, but I was just too tired and sore and fevered to be physically capable of the actions of consuming food for long.

Fever, Part 1 and 2: Last Tuesday late I started to feel flushed and achy. By bedtime I was full-on flu-like symptoms. Bed rest all day Wednesday (Missed a Spanish quiz! Argh!) and most of Thursday. I try to pick up a run Thursday after feeling much better. Class and Phil's on Friday, opening (sweltering, miserable) day on Saturday. Sunday morning, I wake up with another fever. This one accompanied by MORE ache and a scratchy breathing coughing thing. But I was feeling better by bedtime and another day of bedrest Monday and I am feeling right as rain today.

Ren-Faire, Student Days: So far, it's not really all that different from any other year, at least logistically. I hate not having Kyle around, but he's at AIT. He's excused. They also finally saddled the Guard with a radio. Fie! I'll let Chris have it as much as I can, but this weekend I'll have no choice. Fie, I say! I get to do Student Days this year. Which is kinda fun, really, but I'd rather have been able to find a job to go to instead. Oh well. Tomorrow promises to be nice and cold! I'm excited!

Other: There are at least a handful of things this year that are not like last year. Namely that Hannah and I are not together. It's...still hard. Everyone says I'm doing a good job of it, though, so I must be doing something right. I feel transparent, but I guess I'm not. Today at the first Student Day I actually managed to have actual conversations that seemed to lack awkwardness. Hannah, John, KC, and I all hung out afterwards for a late lunch/early dinner. I rode with Hannah. Seemingly, nothing terrible happened. I'm not entirely sure how. The real me was inside my head yelling a thousand things I want to say, but I plodded along with another conversation. I see her looking spiffy and gorgeous as she always does in garb and I want to reach out and wrap my arms around her. I'm not sure exactly how it is that I don't. It's like some autopilot setting I'm unaware of. I'm trying very, very hard to "man up" and "get over it" and "put on the big girl panties" or what the fuck ever. I guess I am doing those things, but I don't know what it is that I'm doing or how I'm doing it. Seeing her and hearing her and not being with her still hurts just as much as it has since May. I guess I can just hide it better now. I don't know as that's a good thing. It's just not the same, playing Capt. Grey this year. I really enjoyed playing at the life long soldier-romantic wooing the Lady Gabrielle, Comtesse du Normandy. I really want to again. I still miss her very much. I miss my friend. I miss my confidant. I miss my partner. I miss my lover-soon-wife.

But I go on. Each day I get up. If I don't make it out of bed, it's not because of depression, though the temptation is strong every morning to just stay in bed. I don't do as good a job of not complaining as I like. But at the same time I know burying the emotions would only make it worse. I'm not trying to make a spectacle of my suffering for sympathy. At the same time, I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not making any special effort to hide. I hurt. I don't want to thrust it in your face, and forgive me if I do. But if you ask me how I am, I will answer honestly. I stay up far too late at night. I avoid getting into my bed, because I remember what it felt like to go to sleep with her curled up against my back and I remember what it felt like to wake up curled around her. Eventually I have to sleep. And I do. I take care of myself. I bathe. I eat, and as healthy as I can. I take my multivitamin, I drink my V8. I still plan to keep working out. I go to class. I do my homework, I study. I'm actually in deep on a research paper for my Western Civilisation class. I'm not...necessarily sure why but I keep doing them. Somewhere, academically, I know these things are good for me, but I don't feel it. I'm going through the motions because I feel like I should, not because I really want to. Maybe someday I'll remember the reason why or find a new one. For now I just find that I keep getting up every day. I keep doing what I'm "supposed" to do. Sometimes I hear the alarm and think "God, I just want to stay here." and by the time I've finished that thought I'm already halfway done with my shower.

I'm definitely not as happy as I'd like to be. I'm more poetic, maybe. I've written more poetry, real poems not the silly haiku I cobble together, than I have in years. But that's just an outlet for the hurt. I'd much rather not have the inspiration. It is what it is. I strive for Stoicism. I try to not be controlled by my anguishes. I don't succeed nearly enough. But I keep on. I have said many times, some times tear-streaked and cracked of voice, that I would much rather spend a lifetime trying and failing and trying and failing and trying than to ever just give up. I've done a lot of really dumb things in the last 5 months or so. Mostly because of the hurt. I hurt and I get angry because of the pain. I act out of anger and lash out, either to harm whatever is closest or to reach out for some kind of relief. This is never a good thing or a smart thing to do. It is what I have done, nonetheless. I have no idea how to handle the kind of situation I'm in. Some part of me seems to, but it's not being very communicative. It's just doing. Often letting me sit near-catatonic in the passenger seat.

I'm venting. I promise I'm not going to stop living any time soon, so long as I have a say in the matter. I am enjoying Ren-Faire. I do enjoy (usually) my classes. I even enjoy working out. Even running, to some extent or another. But these are little joys, shallow. They are just barely enough for now, but I guess that's all I can get in the for now. I would rather be sharing these little joys and magnify them thusly into great joys. I would much rather be sharing these little joys with Hannah, bringing them into even higher greatness. I still hold out hope that it's possible. Someday. Maybe even soon. I can't help but to do so. I still love her. I can't walk away from that kind of love without exhausting all available options. For so many people it is sex first, then, if things line up, maybe a relationship. I find this backwards to the point of baffling. I can't fathom how it could possibly work. I see that it "works" for so very many people, many people I know and am close to. But the logistics...they make no sense. I seek the relationship first. Then, if everything lines up, then sex might happen. I can't wrap my head around the idea of exposing myself, of letting myself be so vulnerable (literally, emotionally, and spiritually) without having an absolute trust in the person I'm with. I trust readily, yes, but not at a first glance. It takes conversation. It takes a lot of deep probing of someone. It takes key moments.

Key moments like walking up to a girl you've spent the last week talking with for as much as 8 hours at a time and catching her off guard as she gets out of her car and kissing her. Moments that catch a girl off guard, leaving her vulnerable and open. Moments like that when I, too, and completely open and vulnerable and I feel her, who she really is, as she returns the kiss and wraps her arms around me as I wrap my arms around her. That's where the absolute trust comes from. It takes risk. I was tired of waiting. I was tired of chickening out of expressing what I wanted. I played against type. I made a bold move. At least at the time, fortune actually favored my boldness. It remains one of the greatest days and weekends I have ever lived.

Ok. I'm done ranting for now. You're all caught up on my schedule and emo-ness. Yay. It's 11PM. I have to be up at 6AM for a cold, rainy, middle-schooler-filled Student Day.

but it's just the price i pay, destiny is calling me

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