Monday, November 30, 2009

Links re: Twilight via Ebo

For those who love or hate Twilight, allow me to light the flames of intarweebs combat with these two links!

Read! And may the light of true knowledge save you from fangirls!

the psychotic bastard religion

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

God has a sense of humor. (No. Really.)

So it's no secret that I have not been handling the last six months or so very well. It came to a peak recently and I've had a chance to look at the mess I've made around myself and I've come to the conclusion that I am well and truly tired of all this bullshit. I don't know how well I'll be able to maintain this attitude (I've tried it before, but couldn't hang on to it) but I, despite anyone's evidence to the contrary, have some insane willpower. When I choose to use it. So let's use it.

There's a lot of old letters and pictures I'm going to have to do something with. I don't know what, yet. I'm sentimental. Sometimes too sentimental, but there it is. And of course, I come to these conclusions to do something and the weather turns wet, cold, dreary. See? God does have a sense of humor. And also a sense of irony and cliche. At least, He does with me. Because I have a similar dry, biting sense of humor, irony, and cliche. Har har, tee hee. I'd be mad if I didn't appreciate the sentiment. I don't want to do anything at all with the letters and the pictures, but I can't operate under the illusion that what I want is going to ever happen. At least not until I want something else. Then that something else might have a chance, but what was will never be again, no matter how much I want it. I've stalled and procrastinated, because it's going to suck dealing with it. I know it and so I've tried to avoid it. I can't.

I can't be her friend. I can't ever be her friend. I tried. I hoped that maybe I would be ok with just being a friend for a little while, maybe somehow show her we could work out again, the newer versions of each of us coming from better places. But that's delusion. It's hope blinding me, and false hope at that. I don't need that false hope, but anytime she says anything to me, no matter how loud my rational brain says it means nothing, my heart leaps from my chest into my throat and screams out it's hope to drown out any other noise or sound. So I can't be her friend. I can't be her anything. Two more weekends of faire to get through and then she doesn't have to see me or communicate with me. I don't have to see her or communicate with her. I promised I'd never give up. And I can't keep that promise. God help me, but I hope it's the last one I have to break.

So I quit. I give up. I surrender. I'm done.

For now, I go to class, I workout, I keep my grades up. I sing when I can. The rest of the time? I close my ears to the world, turn on some music, crank the volume up insanely high and drown out the cries of my heart with something else.

Turn it to 11.

Power levels to maximum.

I will raise my voice to the Lord. I will sing the New Song.

they will not force us/they will stop degrading us/they will not control us/we will be victorious
(come on)

Friday, November 06, 2009

I Can't Think of a Title: The Blog Entry

See? That was almost clever. I thought I'd pop in and update. I'd been meaning to. Still exercising. But the shin splints kept appearing on the right leg. So I've switched over the elliptical for the time being. It works the muscles and doesn't have any of the impact. Huzzah! I think I'm narrowed the problem down to a combination of worn out shoes and needing more strength in the legs. Not more size, though. Jesus knows my legs are big enough. I need to get my upper body a little more filled out first. Which I've been doing! The last couple of weeks I've tried to add in some upper body workout on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. No real visible progress, but it's the working out that's the important part. No real weight loss, so I'm still around 250. But I haven't been eating as healthy as I'd like and I haven't been working out as much or as hard as I should. A symptom of the 3-5 miles a day I walk at faire, I guess.

I'm fighting complacency and boredom in my classes again. I just took a Spanish test I think I might get a B on. At best. This bothers me. I'm better than this. Just easily distracted and easily made bored. Darn ADD and lack of challenge. The only real challenge I've had this semester was the 7-10 page research paper, but that's already in. I think I did a pretty good job, but time will tell.

Only three more weekends of faire. And this is the first time I can remember being more than a little ready for the season to be over. But it's more social pressures and the like than anything else. But this weekend, at least, shouldn't be problematic. It's Celtic Jam weekend! One more weekend of kiltage, and then it's the pants. Maria fixed my Significantly Snug Pants! Though they are not as significantly snug as they once were. That is the price I pay, I suppose, for trimming down like I have. Oh well.

fiat amor et pereat mundus

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Progress. Of a sort.

So I must be doing something right in the exercising. I haven't had any issues with the muscles of either leg of late. But now it's the shin splints. So now I've got to work on other things like stride, muscle strengthening, etc. And I probably need new shoes. My current shoes cause my feet to roll too much to the outside of my foot. It twists the leg and probably contributes to the shin splints. So I've had to switch off the Couch-to-5K program and back to machines. But the elliptical, I think is going to be my new machine. Managed to keep something close to my best mile pace of about 12:30 with no stress on my bum leg. I can be ok with that for now.

I've made to down to about 250 now. From a starting point of 270-274 in the first week in September. Not too bad, but I'd like a little more progress. 250 is my big hurdle. But! I went from barely being able to fit into my kilt to it being too big. I have to strap the buckles down as far as they will go or the kilt will slip down. Crazy! But my Significantly Snug Pants should be refitted and ready to go by this next weekend. I'm excited!

School is still going well enough. I've got most of my classes down for next semester. I just need to get someone to say I can retake the physics class I took a few years ago. I took it before, so I should be able to retake it. Yay bureaucracy.

upon us all a little rain must fall

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

October, So Far.

So it's been awhile since my last post. I've been busy and, frankly, not in much a mood to spill forth my rantings online. At least, not published or public. I have no idea how my weight loss is going. It's likely slow, but I haven't weighed myself in almost two weeks. Last weigh in was at 256. Not bad, really. I'll probably break down and weigh in again on Monday. But I'm just going to try and go over the last couple of weeks.

Couch-to-5K: An excellent program. Unfortunately halfway through week 2 I decided I wanted to catch a fever. So the running program and workouts have been on hold. Not great for the metabolism, but I've been eating waaaay healthier lately. And in smaller portions. I still eat when sick, but I was just too tired and sore and fevered to be physically capable of the actions of consuming food for long.

Fever, Part 1 and 2: Last Tuesday late I started to feel flushed and achy. By bedtime I was full-on flu-like symptoms. Bed rest all day Wednesday (Missed a Spanish quiz! Argh!) and most of Thursday. I try to pick up a run Thursday after feeling much better. Class and Phil's on Friday, opening (sweltering, miserable) day on Saturday. Sunday morning, I wake up with another fever. This one accompanied by MORE ache and a scratchy breathing coughing thing. But I was feeling better by bedtime and another day of bedrest Monday and I am feeling right as rain today.

Ren-Faire, Student Days: So far, it's not really all that different from any other year, at least logistically. I hate not having Kyle around, but he's at AIT. He's excused. They also finally saddled the Guard with a radio. Fie! I'll let Chris have it as much as I can, but this weekend I'll have no choice. Fie, I say! I get to do Student Days this year. Which is kinda fun, really, but I'd rather have been able to find a job to go to instead. Oh well. Tomorrow promises to be nice and cold! I'm excited!

Other: There are at least a handful of things this year that are not like last year. Namely that Hannah and I are not together. It's...still hard. Everyone says I'm doing a good job of it, though, so I must be doing something right. I feel transparent, but I guess I'm not. Today at the first Student Day I actually managed to have actual conversations that seemed to lack awkwardness. Hannah, John, KC, and I all hung out afterwards for a late lunch/early dinner. I rode with Hannah. Seemingly, nothing terrible happened. I'm not entirely sure how. The real me was inside my head yelling a thousand things I want to say, but I plodded along with another conversation. I see her looking spiffy and gorgeous as she always does in garb and I want to reach out and wrap my arms around her. I'm not sure exactly how it is that I don't. It's like some autopilot setting I'm unaware of. I'm trying very, very hard to "man up" and "get over it" and "put on the big girl panties" or what the fuck ever. I guess I am doing those things, but I don't know what it is that I'm doing or how I'm doing it. Seeing her and hearing her and not being with her still hurts just as much as it has since May. I guess I can just hide it better now. I don't know as that's a good thing. It's just not the same, playing Capt. Grey this year. I really enjoyed playing at the life long soldier-romantic wooing the Lady Gabrielle, Comtesse du Normandy. I really want to again. I still miss her very much. I miss my friend. I miss my confidant. I miss my partner. I miss my lover-soon-wife.

But I go on. Each day I get up. If I don't make it out of bed, it's not because of depression, though the temptation is strong every morning to just stay in bed. I don't do as good a job of not complaining as I like. But at the same time I know burying the emotions would only make it worse. I'm not trying to make a spectacle of my suffering for sympathy. At the same time, I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not making any special effort to hide. I hurt. I don't want to thrust it in your face, and forgive me if I do. But if you ask me how I am, I will answer honestly. I stay up far too late at night. I avoid getting into my bed, because I remember what it felt like to go to sleep with her curled up against my back and I remember what it felt like to wake up curled around her. Eventually I have to sleep. And I do. I take care of myself. I bathe. I eat, and as healthy as I can. I take my multivitamin, I drink my V8. I still plan to keep working out. I go to class. I do my homework, I study. I'm actually in deep on a research paper for my Western Civilisation class. I'm not...necessarily sure why but I keep doing them. Somewhere, academically, I know these things are good for me, but I don't feel it. I'm going through the motions because I feel like I should, not because I really want to. Maybe someday I'll remember the reason why or find a new one. For now I just find that I keep getting up every day. I keep doing what I'm "supposed" to do. Sometimes I hear the alarm and think "God, I just want to stay here." and by the time I've finished that thought I'm already halfway done with my shower.

I'm definitely not as happy as I'd like to be. I'm more poetic, maybe. I've written more poetry, real poems not the silly haiku I cobble together, than I have in years. But that's just an outlet for the hurt. I'd much rather not have the inspiration. It is what it is. I strive for Stoicism. I try to not be controlled by my anguishes. I don't succeed nearly enough. But I keep on. I have said many times, some times tear-streaked and cracked of voice, that I would much rather spend a lifetime trying and failing and trying and failing and trying than to ever just give up. I've done a lot of really dumb things in the last 5 months or so. Mostly because of the hurt. I hurt and I get angry because of the pain. I act out of anger and lash out, either to harm whatever is closest or to reach out for some kind of relief. This is never a good thing or a smart thing to do. It is what I have done, nonetheless. I have no idea how to handle the kind of situation I'm in. Some part of me seems to, but it's not being very communicative. It's just doing. Often letting me sit near-catatonic in the passenger seat.

I'm venting. I promise I'm not going to stop living any time soon, so long as I have a say in the matter. I am enjoying Ren-Faire. I do enjoy (usually) my classes. I even enjoy working out. Even running, to some extent or another. But these are little joys, shallow. They are just barely enough for now, but I guess that's all I can get in the for now. I would rather be sharing these little joys and magnify them thusly into great joys. I would much rather be sharing these little joys with Hannah, bringing them into even higher greatness. I still hold out hope that it's possible. Someday. Maybe even soon. I can't help but to do so. I still love her. I can't walk away from that kind of love without exhausting all available options. For so many people it is sex first, then, if things line up, maybe a relationship. I find this backwards to the point of baffling. I can't fathom how it could possibly work. I see that it "works" for so very many people, many people I know and am close to. But the logistics...they make no sense. I seek the relationship first. Then, if everything lines up, then sex might happen. I can't wrap my head around the idea of exposing myself, of letting myself be so vulnerable (literally, emotionally, and spiritually) without having an absolute trust in the person I'm with. I trust readily, yes, but not at a first glance. It takes conversation. It takes a lot of deep probing of someone. It takes key moments.

Key moments like walking up to a girl you've spent the last week talking with for as much as 8 hours at a time and catching her off guard as she gets out of her car and kissing her. Moments that catch a girl off guard, leaving her vulnerable and open. Moments like that when I, too, and completely open and vulnerable and I feel her, who she really is, as she returns the kiss and wraps her arms around me as I wrap my arms around her. That's where the absolute trust comes from. It takes risk. I was tired of waiting. I was tired of chickening out of expressing what I wanted. I played against type. I made a bold move. At least at the time, fortune actually favored my boldness. It remains one of the greatest days and weekends I have ever lived.

Ok. I'm done ranting for now. You're all caught up on my schedule and emo-ness. Yay. It's 11PM. I have to be up at 6AM for a cold, rainy, middle-schooler-filled Student Day.

but it's just the price i pay, destiny is calling me

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Day 30. End of the First Month.

Well, here it is. One month of exercising at least five days a week has come to a close. I've gone from 270 to 256. A loss of 14 lbs. Not too shabby, especially considering I haven't altered my diet all that much. But I am, at the very least, conscious of what I'm eating. I might not always make the healthiest decision, but it's not one I make off the cuff. Usually it's just a matter of what is on hand, especially on Mondays and Wednesdays, since these are my crazy busiest days. From now on I'll be checking my progress weekly on Mondays and posting here. I don't think I'll be posting my daily eating habits, either. I did it mostly to make me aware of how good or bad I was eating. I'll still try to post daily, though. Either progress on the running program or with weightlifting or something like that.

So today was the second of three days this week with the Couch to 5K program. The first week consists of running for 60 seconds, walking for 90 seconds. Cardiovascularly, I was much better off. I wasn't near as winded as I was Monday. But the real kicker is the shin splints. Ow. My left leg cramped up a bit, as is its wont. I think I might not have stretched enough, as I didn't have this problem Monday. Who knows? I'll just stretch better and see how it goes. But I take it as a good sign that my heart and lungs did better with this run.

Breakfast: Bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. Cheerwine.
Lunch: VitaminWater Power-C.
Dinner: Darrell's foot-long hot dog with chili, slaw, ketchup, mayonnaise, and mustard. Tater tots. Cheerwine.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Day 29. 256lbs.

"Light" day today, hour on the recumbent. But I'm ramping the speed up more.

Weigh in: 256lbs! Rock!

Breakfast: Huge salad, two pieces of pizza. Milk.
Lunch: Big salad. Water.
Dinner: 2oz. of steak, one slice pizza, chicken salad sandwich, pasta salad. Sweet tea.

pour toi, ma coeur

Monday, September 28, 2009

Day 28. Ow.

So I started Couch-to-5K today. Ow. You think your cardiovascular fitness is improving, running as long as you have on the exercise bike. But you'd be wrong. Dead, dead wrong. I am, at least, not as dead as I would have been if I had not been working out the last four weeks. Got some minor shin splints, but that's ok. It's not terrible, but jeebus that wasn't easy.

Breakfast: Vending machine mini-donuts (actually healthier and cheaper than the canteen). Vitamin Water.
Lunch: Slice of thin-crust cheese pizza. Diet Sweet Green Tea.
Dinner: Slice of thin-crust cheese and cheeseburger pizza, one each. Water.

work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Day 27

Man, what a gorgeous day! I can't think of many ways to improve upon it. But...for here, for now, it was a very nice day. And I ate much healthier today, too. I'm very much psyched about starting the running tomorrow. I'm trying to get John to join in. The more people I can push, the easier it is to push myself.

Brunch: Broccoli and asian veggies with garlic sauce and white rice. Sweet tea and hot green tea.
Dinner: Steak with salad, steamed broccoli, 12-grain wheat bread, and kebabs(green pepper, orange pepper, cucumber, onion, squash, with olive oil, no salt seasoning, a little red wine vinegar and Italian spices[guess who made those! ^_^]). Water.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Days 25 and 26.

I've actually had an enjoyable couple of days and wasn't near WiFi for some of it, hence my lack of update yesterday. But I can lump it in today.

Friday: Another hour on the bike, time flying when reading! I'm going to miss that when I switch to the running program next week. Oh well, I'll have Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Breakfast/Lunch: Chicken biscuit. VitaminWater.
Dinner: Hibachi steak and chicken with veggie stirfry. Cheerwine.

Saturday: No YMCA activity. I took a day to just rest and enjoy the cool rainy day reading. Not a real healthy eating day, though. But no soft drinks.

Brunch: Thin crust beef or cheese pizza slices. Sweet tea.
Dinner: Same.

Tomorrow I think my eating will be a little better, one way or another. I think I'm looking a little thinner, but I look at myself in the mirror each day. The progress will, naturally, be somewhat imperceptible to me. But, I was able to get into a pair of 35" waist shorts Friday. It wasn't any more uncomfortable than they had been earlier this spring, but I couldn't fit into them over the summer at all, so I guess it's steps in the right direction. Overall I'm disappointed (more in myself than anything) in my progress, but that has a lot more to do with impatience and being tired of the extra weight. I know there are no lasting quick fixes, but I'm tired of carrying it. When I exercise, I feel like I'm strapped into this "fat vest" and I just want to take it off and be done with it. I'm not giving up, I'm not feeling super discouraged. I need to remind myself each day to keep an eye on what I eat. I might use some of my refund money to get some protein bars to keep on hand. Rather than resorting to going hungry or fried breakfast, have something healthy(ish) on hand. Money doesn't solve everything, but it does open up more options.

So the new plan is to run according to the Couch to 5K schedule on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. The program calls for 20-30 minutes. After that I might swim or hit the bike. On Tuesday and Thursday I'll likely be on the bike, maybe hit the weights, since I have more time to spare on those days. And this is my last free weekend for a while. 8-10 hours walking on my feet all day should count as exercise. At least, I'm going to count it.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Day 24.

Time passes by so much better when reading. Leave it to me to nerd up working out with books.

Breakfast: Burrito with beef, beans, salsa, lettuce, fat free sour cream, cheese. Water.
Lunch: Chick-fil-A sandwich on wheat with lettuce, tomato, provolone and waffle fries. Cherry Coke.
Dinner: Baked spaghetti with peppers, onions. Water.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Day 23.

Another hour on the recumbent, but I brought along a book (Terry Pratchett's Men at Arms) and that made the time pass much faster. Which is fantastic, as an hour on any kind of exercise gets old after a while.

Breakfast: Caesar salad. Water.
Lunch: Mashed potatos and gravy, green beans. Water.
Dinner: Footlong hotdog and tater tots. Cheerwine.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Day 22, Week 4. 258

Weight loss is slowing a bit, but that's ok. I ate horribly last week, too. Still pushing the bike as much as I can. Going to start the Couch-to-5K thing next week.

Weigh in: 258.

Breakfast/Lunch: Spaghetti, sauce with sliced peppers in it. Milk.
Dinner: Caesar Salad. Pasta Primavera with broccoli, carrots, green and orange peppers, yellow squash, zucchini. Milk.

pour toi, ma coeur

Monday, September 21, 2009

Day 21, End Week 3.

Today was a little better. At least, it certainly was by comparison. I might have to start a running program a week earlier than I was thinking, though. I wasn't nearly as tired today at the end of my routine as I was Friday. And I was working with more resistance. Bike's not maxed out, though. Yet.

Breakfast: bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. VitaminWater.
Lunch: Two hotdogs. Water.
Snack: Apple.
Dinner: Pork tenderloin with potatoes, corn, green beans. Water.

work it harder, make it better, move it faster, makes us stronger

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Day 20,

Yeah. Not healthy at all. Can't even pretend it was healthy. Heh. However, I didn't eat all that much. And I gave blood. Calories be damned, I was bleedin' fer Jesus!

Breakfast/lunch: Hardee's Monster Thickburger Combo w/ curly fries. Half Cherry Coke, Half Diet Dr. Pepper.
"Dinner": Small piece of carrot cake. Fruit punch. Later, two glasses of V-Fusion.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Day 19, almost on time.

Slow starting day, but got busy later in the day. If I would have known my day would have been so slow, I would have hit the Y. I did do a lot of standing and walking at Chase's game, at least. And While I might not have eaten super healthy, the portions were a lot better than yesterday.

Breakfast: Sheetz chicken caesar salad wrap. Cheerwine.
Lunch: Hamburger patty, small baked potato. Water.
Dinner: The equivalent of a slice and a half of Papa John's deep dish pepperoni pizza. Water.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 18, a little late.

Not a healthy day, but I was pushing it a little harder today than usual. I've been looking at a plan call Couch-to-5K. Starting in the first full week of October, I think I'm going to jump into it. Check it out here. It seems pretty simple and, by all accounts, is pretty effective. I've just got to push the bike for the next couple of weeks until I start. Get the cardiovascular fitness up a little bit more before I start the running.

Breakfast: Hashbrowns. Water.
Lunch: BBQ, slaw, hushpuppies. Water.
Dinner: Hamburger patty, baked potato. Later(!): Cheeseburger, hot dog.

I was hungry. Gotta eat more salads, veggies in the next couple of days.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Day 17

Each day I push the resistance up on the recumbent bike a little bit more. If I remember my water bottle, I run at least 4 15 minute intervals on the bike. If I don't, I'll do 10 minute intervals to at least 60 minutes. Less time because I sweat a lot, imagine, and need more water. Break up the intervals with a few laps around the track walking/jogging.

I eat a lot of leftovers. So it's not always super healthy. But I try to either add health or minimize bad stuff. I also can't control what the 'rents bring home for supper. But that said, I love food and Darrell's is the best worst food I can get my hands on. Yum.

Breakfast: Beef taco supreme. Water.
Lunch: Rice with sliced green and red peppers, onions. Diet V8 Splash.
Dinner: Footlong hotdog with slaw, chili and tater tots. Water.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Day 16

Another hour of cardio on the recumbent bike, but the resistance is continuing to be increased.

Breakfast: Steak, egg, and cheese croisant. VitaminWater.
Lunch: Apple. Water.
Dinner: Darrell's. Cheerwine.

Wednesdays are definitely going to be my bad food day.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Day 15. Beginning of Week 3. 261lbs.

More cardio at the YMCA. Didn't stay as long, but I mixed it up some. 45 minutes on the recumbent bike, about 30 minutes of running and walking on the indoor track.

Todays weigh in? 261.

Maybe not quite as fast as I'd like, but it's in the right direction. I'm back where I was at the beginning of the summer. I can still make my goal of being under 250 come the opening weekend of Faire easily.

Breakfast: Banana. Diet V8 Splash.
Lunch: Lots of salad. Milk and water.
Dinner: Not sure yet. If I cook, I'll make one of the freezer steamer meals and add some more veggies. Water or Diet V8 Splash to drink.

work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger

Monday, September 14, 2009

On Curves.

I have never been a fan of grading curves. Mostly because I was always at the top of the curve, and giving extra points to people who didn't study or bother to learn the material is repugnant. To me, at least. You don't deserve extra points just because you couldn't be bothered to learn the material. That's crap, pure and simple.

I bring this up because I got my test score back for my first test in Music Appreciation today. It was a doozy of a test, too. 93 questions, I believe. The class average? 64. My score? 98. Call me the Bane of the Grading Curve. But the professor decided to give everyone an extra 10 points. I think it's crap. But oh well. Three people walked out of the class shortly after getting their scores. I hope they don't come back. Yeesh.

I guess I'll just keep killing the curve. And having a 98+ average in all four of my classes. Win.

they see me rollin'

Day 14, End Week 2

More of the same on cardio. Hour and a half on the recumbent bike, broken up with a little bit of track walking/running. I must be making a little progress, as I'm less winded and using higher resistance.

Breakfast: Chicken biscuit. Vitamin Water.
Lunch: Plain hamburger, the school sized mini kind. Vitamin Water.
Dinner: Michaelina's Lean Gourmet Fettucini Florentine. Diet V8 Splash. I'm very likely to have a salad or two with water when I get home from class.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Day 13

Not a lot of work today, but I did help my grandmother clean up her kitchen after church.

Breakfast: I didn't get out of bed in time. Toothpaste?
Lunch: Two salads of various lettuces and green leaves. Two plates of homemade chicken veggie pie. A small plate of various desserts. Lots of water to drink.
Dinner: Salad of spinach and field greens. Sonic chili cheese footlong with tater tots. Milk, V8 Splash.

Not a super healthy day, but it was reasonably healthy overall.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Day 12

I had been working on the math in my head. I think I've discovered a bit of a plan that will work for swift fat loss. Exercise enough to burn up 2000 calories, consumed 2000 calories in food a day. Which, as far as "diets" go is a pretty hefty amount of food. This isn't a lifelong plan. This month is about jump-starting my metabolism, burning through the inertia with lots of hard work and strict control. After the end of the month, I'm going to ease up on the work and restrictions. By that time, I should be at a level of fitness and activity that I'll be a lot healthier overall and no longer under anyone's definition of obese. I carry a lot of fat around and probably qualify at my current weight. Burn off a lot of fat, get back to "overweight," keep up the activity.

The math is pretty simple. My long-term target weight is 225. But I might not ever get there, depending on how much muscle I put on. But. According to all the research I've done, a body needs 12 Calories per pound to maintain weight. To maintain 270lbs, I need to consume 3200 Calories a day. To maintain 225, I need 2700. That's really a lot of food. If I eat at a level of my target weight, the Calorie deficit will result in fat-weight loss all on it's own. Initially, a pound of week of fat. Not bad, really. With the recumbent bike (my favorite machine for cardio!) I burn the same number of Calories as I weigh every 15 minutes as long as I maintain at least 12mph. More if I go faster, but I like conservative estimates. That's about 1000 Calories of fat an hour. My usual routine is an hour and a half of bike time, then making up the rest in walking and other exercise. It's improving my cardiovascular fitness and trimming fat. If I maintain a diet of around 2000 Calories and exercise about 2000 Calories a day, I'll trim off a few ounces more than 5 lbs. a week.

Again, this is not a plan I'm going to use for longer than the end of the month. 30 days of mad work to get things started. October will be a lot more reasonable. But healthier. I'd love to be able to do a five mile run without stopping someday. Maybe I'll be able to run The Bear at Grandfather Mountain next summer. Ha! Right.

Breakfast: Michaelina's Lean Gourmet pocket pizza things. V8 Splash.
Lunch: Salad of spinach and field greens with chopped carrots and broccoli with feta and 1000 island dressing. Michaelina's Sweet and Sour Chicken. V8 Splash, Milk.
Dinner: Steak sub with peppers, onions, lettuce, tomato, mushrooms and a handful of baked fries. Water.

work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger

Friday, September 11, 2009

Day 11

Nothing exciting on the exercise front. Hour and a half on the recumbent bike in 15 minute "sets" broken up by a couple of laps around the indoor track as a "rest" period. But that bike is my best bet for continuous calorie burn and cardio workout.

Breakfast: Serving of chopped pineapple, beef taco supreme (Silence! I eat what's quick and available.). Diet V8 Splash.

Lunch: Veggie stir-fry and fried rice leftovers. Milk

Dinner: I have no idea. Most likely a lot of salad. Water or V8 to drink.

work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Day 10

45 minutes on the incline bike. Walk a half mile. JOG A HALF MILE. The 1/2 mile is conquered. But I pushed just a smidge too hard to get it. But I can do it. Half mile ain't got nuthin on me.

Breakfast: Chopped pineapples (yum!). Water
Lunch: Leftover barbeque, slaw, hushpuppies. Diet V8 Splash.
Snack: Chopped pineapples (yum!). Water
Dinner: Brick oven cooked pizza. Water, Red Sin.

Luckily the pool will open back up next week. I think I'm going to focus on the incline bike for my workouts, though. At least until I get my tibialis anterior muscles a little stronger. Shin splints are bad.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Day 9

Cardio week continues! Incline bike for 30 minutes crazy hard. Walked/jogged a mile. Actually jogged a quarter mile without stopping. Massive improvement! Maybe I can hit a half mile by the end of the week. The only thing stopping me from another lap this time was congestion combined with a little thirst and a slight cramp in my left tabialis anterior. Better stretches! Water! Push it!

Breakfast: VitaminWater - Power-C.
Lunch: Arby's Roast chicken sammich combo. Cheerwine. Yes, terrible me, fried potatoes and soda. Wednesday is my "bad day" I think, but overall it's not terrible. Next time I'll go sans fries.
Dinner: Darrell's with my grandmother before choir practice. Probably a BBQ plate with slaw and some other kind of reasonably healthy vegetable. Cheerwine to drink.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Pour mon ange.

I am a martyr.
I will sacrifice of myself
Whatever is needed
To win your love
My worth to prove.
Let me be your martyr.
Let me be your knight.
Let my sword and shield
Be in your service.
Be my angel.
Sing your songs to me.
Whisper your love in my ears
And my heart.
Bring your gentle touch
To soothe my heart's pains.
Light down here to me.
I have one wing.
I cannot fly on my own,
But I have when you have been with me.
Let me soar again.
Bring your light back
On the wings of your love
And chase away the pain
And loneliness of my darkness.
Embrace me again.
Let me love you once more.

te amo sempris

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Day 8. 265lbs.

A week before I started working out for serious, I weighed in at 274 (after breakfast). The first day of Operation: Get Awesome, I was 270. After today's "fasting" and workout, I clock in at 265. It's improvement. A reasonable rate, really, but not good enough. But then, my diet hasn't been super healthy, either.

This week, that changes. No white bread. No fried potato products. I won't say no soda, because I do love me some cold caffeine, but no more than a single 12oz. can a day. Serious focus on portion control, and the injection of a whole lot more fruits and veggies, solid or juice form, as I can make it happen. I don't control the pantry and fridge in the house, so I do have to make do where I can. I'm discovering I can be satisfied with less. The last time I ate Arby's was their chicken salad sammich combo, which would have done me just fine with just the sammich alone. Also, I am keeping a close watch on the "eating because I'm bored" thing. It's a temptation to sit and snack. Gluttony is my "big sin" so it's the one that tempts me hardest.

Brunch, after a fashion: reuben wrap, potato wedges, water. This was a very late night meal last night/this morning with John and KC. I slept in until around noon, then work out at 3PM. Lack of hunger means not eating.
Dinner: Roast chicken breast and thigh, roast potatoes, slaw with a salad consisting of spinach and field greens with carrots, raw broccoli, tomatoes. Diet V8 Splash.

pour toi, ma coeur

Monday, September 07, 2009

Day 7

Today, no YMCA access. So I have to improvise.

Breakfast: Caesar salad. Water.
Lunch: Broccoli Cheese Calzone. Water.
Snack: Whole wheat cheese crackers, peanut butter; one serving (according to the packaging) of each. Water.
Dinner: Leftover roast beef, carrots, potatoes. Enough for a bowl. Milk.

Today's exercise is just going to be walking around for a loooong time. But that's ok. I have head phones and wrist/ankle weights for added difficulty.

Tomorrow, I weigh myself again, take new pics. Oh. Yay.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Day 5, Day 6 - Weekend 1

So I'm not doing a lot by way of "organized exercise" on the weekends. Muscles need rest, but I'm trying to stay active. Still working on the whole eating healthier thing.

Breakfast: Three Krispy Kreme donuts. Shut up, Krispy Kreme is made of crack. They were hot and fresh. There is no resistance. Can of Cheerwine.
Lunch: Roast beef, potatoes, carrots, lima beans. Glass of Milk.
Dinner: Two slices of sauceless pepperoni pizza, two hot dog weiners. Lots of water. I hadn't planned on anything for dinner, as my breakfast was at around 11AM and dinner was late-ish, too, but my desert warranted having more on my stomach.
Desert: Glenlivet Nadurra, 16 year old single malt scotch. Ho. Lee. Cow. That was some damn fine scotch, but it packs a 59.7% alcohol content compared to the normal 40%.

Breakfast: One donut. Glass of Cheerwine. Early morning on top of a late night. I needed some sugar and caffeine.
Lunch: Bojangles. Chicken breast and leg. Dirty rice, cole slaw, 2 biscuits. Lots of water.
Dinner: Part of a broccoli and cheddar calzone, caesar salad. Lots of water. And I'll have enough for lunch tomorrow! Huzzah!

harder, better, faster, stronger

Friday, September 04, 2009

Day 4

Today's menu is a little healthier. Hopefully the trend will continue!

Breakfast: Bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. VitaminWater Power-C. I know there's a lot of fat and sodium there, but protein is really good first thing in the morning.

Lunch: Rice with mixed vegetables (broccoli, peppers, carrots, etc). 12oz. Cheerwine. I am allotting myself 1 can of soda a day. I don't have to drink it, and I hope to get to the point where I don't. But we have some in the house, and we're out of milk.

Snack: Special K protein bar. Diet green tea.

Dinner: Roast beef with roast potatoes and carrots, lima beans. Water.

"Dessert": Drinks for KC's birthday!

Today I went light on the exercise. I'm starting to get a bit snotty. I think it's fall allergy time, hooray. So while I'm waiting for the loratidin to dose up, I just did aerobics. Walked a mile and a half, elliptical for half a mile, biked a mile, hit the crunch machine. They're closing the pool for a week to do some upgrades, so I'll have to switch to more walking for the next week. It makes me sad.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Day 3

I've got to get on top of this whole food thing. It's not bad, and better, but not good enough yet.

Breakfast - Turkey and cheese sandwich on wheat. 12oz. of Cheerwine.
Lunch - Turkey and cheese sandwich on wheat. 12oz. of Cheerwine.
Snack - after workout, some wheat crackers with peanut butter. Water.
Dinner - New York style Danny's pizza, 2-3 pieces. Water.

Overall it's not too bad, but it could be better. I need to drink more water and less soda. It's hard. Because Cheerwine is so awesome.

I've hit the routine for the workout. Tuesdays and Thursdays are leg days. I've got to work harder on my legs. I don't even feel anything right now. But the lap swim is still awesomely hard.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Day 2

Alrighty, two days running! New record!

Food for the day. Not as healthy as I'd like, but sometimes I work with limited options. And I love Cheerwine. And Darrell's.

Breakfast - steak biscuit with 12oz. can of Cheerwine and a 16oz. bottle of V8 Splash.
Lunch - Arby's Chicken Salad Sandwich (on wheat) combo with potato cakes and half pink lemonade/half unsweetened tea.
Dinner - Darrell's, bastion of healthy food! Burger with tots and Cheerwine.

Today I started "the routine" at the gym. M, W, F - Upper body. T, Th - Lower body. Abs and cardio every day. Today I didn't swim, as I left my trunks at home. I walked/jogged a mile, and did two miles on the stationary bike. I worked every muscle I could think of on the upper body, arms, shoulders, neck, etc. Ended up spending about 50 minutes total working out. My body is likely to hate me tomorrow, but oh well! My arms get a break and I don't have to worry about hauling books around since I don't have classes tomorrow.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Examination of a Phrase

Apropos of nothing in particular, I've always been amused by the prevalence of the phrase "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." The phrase is amusing to me on several levels.

First, that it seeks to excuse some kind of behavior. Does it aim to make it okay for a woman to fly off the handle because someone denied her or betrayed her? That's a horrible double standard.

Second, it's rather sexist, really, which just makes it that much funnier when a woman might hold the phrase over your head. It seems to suggest that a woman who has been spurned is more likely to exhibit some petty emotional reaction or plot some kind of hurt-filled revenge. Women are no more likely to this behavior than any given man. It's just a poor standard to hold.

Lastly, it's incomplete. It's only the second part of a full quote. And in my opinion the weaker of the two. The full line is "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." Now, for me, I think the notion of heavenly rage is a far more disturbing and scary one. No one is shocked when the forces of evil or corruption gives into temper or hate. But when a force of good and/or order unleashes its wrath, it is a far more noteworthy example.

Before anyone starts giving away knowing or worried glances, this entry isn't some kind of subtle warning. I've always wondered and pondered about the phrasing and its usage. Granted, recent events might have brought such feelings out in me, I am not a woman scorned, nor am I inclined to bring rage, heavenly or otherwise, against anyone.

I just have too much time on my hands to think in between classes, maybe. Heh.

now that-that-that that don't kill me

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Sept. 1st - Day 1 - 270lbs. Let the carving begin.

Today begins the dieting and exercise for reals. I had tried to at least watch what I ate over the summer, exercise something like regularly, even if it was just walks around the neighborhood. I couldn't make that stick, for a lot of reasons.

But I have a workout partner now. And that's going to help me bunches. Hopefully, I will be able to get 5 days a week worth of workouts, preferably Monday through Friday. Around an hour a day spent lifting weights, then swimming laps. I'm hoping this will work swiftly. It should boost my metabolism pretty quickly, but I'm not as young as I used to be. And I've got someone to push me and, maybe, for me to push. It's a lot easier for me to push myself if I'm pushing someone else, too.

So here's what I'm going to try and do. I've got mad downtime during the day between classes, so I'm going to try and keep a daily log of what I eat and what exercises I do that day. I'm not going to weep and gnash my teeth if I eat unhealthy, so you, gentle readers, don't need to do so, either, unless I go really nuts several days in a row. I will weigh myself once a week first thing in the morning like I did this morning. Next weigh-in: first thing Tuesday September 8th. I'm also going to take pictures right after the weigh-in, but those I don't think I'll post. Forgive my self-consciousness. No one wants to see fat dude shirtless with stretch-marks. At least, I don't.

Today I had breakfast/lunch consisting of a 6" chicken teriyaki Subway sub on wheat with spinach, lettuce and banana peppers, two slices of thin crust spinach alfredo pizza and a slice of deep dish pepperoni with two cans of Cheerwine. Now, before I get angry replies, it was a slice too much probably, but I was crazy hungry at noon and my eye were bigger than my stomach. I'm also trying to eat up the leftovers. And it was two meals together. Not great, but not terrible. I'm not going to do any more soft drinks today. Milk, water, juice.

No workout yet, but I have to wait on my partner/ride. This afternoon will be t3h workouts. I'll update the blog when I've come back from the gym.

UPDATE: First workout is done! I feel awesome! I didn't really work anything specific, just really getting myself familiar with the machines. I did so miss the leg press. The machines I am likely to hit will be incline press, rowing machine, leg extension and flexion machines, leg press, curl and reverse curl. Throw in some dumb bells for curls. I'll likely alternate lower body and upper body. I did that for about 30 minutes working fairly fast, not stopping much. Heart rate, it was up. The real kicker was swimming. I did that for about 20 minutes total. I'd swim breast stroke for as many laps as I could, then stop and tread water and catch my breath. Then back to swimming. I like the breast stroke. It works the legs, arms and my abs. I am sore, but I am feeling good.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Je returne?

So I have a lot of down time between classes. But my brain is actually firing on more than one cylinder for a change (y'know, actually needing to do more than the automatic functions required for continued existance) and that means I actually get creative impulses for a change. And I need to also take a look at my song collection. I have more...poignant? music than I thought. Random, my foot.

So a po-em. I make no promises as to its quality.

God is love.
Love is music.
Music is God.

Ok, that's the philosophical "truth" I've stumbled on. And now the po-em.

Your love is the music I heard,
The song my soul was made to sing.

The song is gone.

Bring your love back to me.
Bring back your song.
The song became dischord.
I know it's my fault.
My voice lost the key.
I was deaf to your pitch.

I have been made to hear again.
But all I hear is silence;
Overbearing, deafening silence.
I have been made to hear again.
My ears have been opened.
I kneel in penitence before you.

I hear no more music.
I can sing no song.
I can only remember what it was
Once when I sang with you.

Please bring your song back to me.
Let me sing with you again.
Whispered verses,
I miss you.
Spoken choruses,
I love you.
Panted descants,
I need you, I long for you.
Melody's crescendo!
Touch me, love me, I am not afraid.

Ma petit chanson, je t'adore pour tous les temps.

te amo sempris

Sunday, April 19, 2009

TV Reviews!

Ok. So. Castle. It's a new series on ABC. Nathan Fillion plays a writer of detective mysteries. He ends up involved in a murder investigation that copied some of the murders in his books. He helps a savvy lead female detective solve the murder and, using his connections in the mayor's office, gets himself attached to the unit he worked with so he can annoy, help, and get inspiration from Det. Beckett. It's got clever writing and Nathan Fillion plays his usually smartassery to a fantastic tee!

Other shows I've been watching that are awesome:

Breaking Bad - It's just an intriguing drama. High school chemistry teacher is a scientific GENIUS. He's diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, and, through his DEA brother-in-law, gets the brainstorm to get into meth production. Not really a "hero" story, but a very interesting look at humans in extreme circumstances. The breakdown of the "good" teacher, but the slow redemption of the teacher's former student, a meth dealer and user. (AMC)

Burn Notice - Bruce Campbell. Enough said, really, but I'll go on. CIA operative gets framed and put on a tight leash in Miami. He is joined by on-and-off again girlfriend, Fiona, ex-IRA trigger bunny, Sam (The Bruce!), ex FBI, and his mother. He uses his skills in a pseudo-A-team, pseudo-Robin-Hood sense to help people in need while looking for the ones responsible for putting him in his current state. Very smart, very clever. (USA)

Chuck - I've spoken on this one before, but it stays just as good as the series keeps going. (NBC)

Heroes - Not everyone likes it. And it's easy to get lost, but I've stuck with it. Having access to torrents of the HD versions of the episodes help, visually. It's a good show, still, in my opinion, if a bit opaque at times. The latest episodes have started to clear out some of the murk and stabilize the show. (NBC)

House, MD - Come ON! How can you NOT like this show? It's a great medical mystery show. I like watching Wilson and House's dynamic and the continuing evolution of the characters. And it's on Fox, of all thing. WTF? (FOX)

Star Wars: The Clone Wars - You can all just shut up. I like it. It's entertaining. It fills in the gap of "greatest star pilot in the galaxy" you don't see in the movies a whole lot. Plus the art style is compelling and unique, in my opinion. It's fun! (Cartoon Network)

The Tudors - Period drama. Great costumes, but a few historical liberties. No less entertaining for it, though. Typical premium cable swearing and nudity, but not a prime focus, thankfully. (Showtime)

Transformers Animated - Such a fantastic homage to the original G1 series and the movie(s). Some poeople don't like the stylized art, but I do. Makes the toys fun, too, and provides a contrast to the hyper-realism of the movie(s). Megatron is awesome and cunning instead of prone to histrionics. Starscream is actually compentent, even capable. Good stuff. (Cartoon Network)

i want my (m)tv

Friday, April 17, 2009

Tired of Looking at it

So I posted something else. Bwahaha?

In other news, that's more of the same, I am, continuously, looking for employment. I am in no fear of starving or homelessness, but I am running quickly broke. I am, one way or another, going to school full time in the fall. I'm tired of sitting around talking about it. So I'm doing it. Most likely, it will be an institution within an hour or less of where I am now. UNCG and Catawba are the most likely candidates at this point. I just need a little cash between now and then. It doesn't have to be great pay or even full time. A summer job. I've got a lot of retail and pc technician experience and I've worked with kids for a few years. I might see if the YMCA is hiring summer help for programs there. Might be worth it for the access to a better priced membership.

I'm reading a lot. Wasting a lot of time on video games, movies, tv shows. I'm actually playing RPG's again with some of the old gang, so that's fun. I've started messing around with my various Warhammer and Warhammer40K armies, I just to need to see what kind of supplies I have on hand, go from there.

My room is in a state that, at first glance might be confused with tidy. It is, at least, clean. Though I'd much rather be busy, paid, and a mess.

For anyone that didn't know, I fasted for Lent, using a variation of the Ramadan fast. I ate nothing from sun up to sun down. After dark, I would eat a regular meal, but keeping an eye on portions and content. During the day I could drink anything I wanted that was an actual drink. Oddly, I avoided regular soda. No shakes or smoothies, but water, juice, milk, energy drinks were all ok. The Fast served several purposes. The first was as a religious observance, sharing in the suffering of Christ's 40 days in the desert. The second was taking a conscious look at what and why I was eating at any given point, paying attention to the difference between satisfied and full, and making a conscious effort to cram as much nutrtion into any one given meal and avoid empty, fast meals like McDonald's, etc. The third was as a means of jumpstarting a change in diet and lifestyle to trim down.

Weight I am unconcerned with. I'm ok weighing 300 lbs. if I have a trim stomach. That being said, I started Lent at 265. At last weigh (this morning) I weigh 255. Not a huge leap for the almost 7 weeks of Lent, but it's a move in the right direction. I spent a weekend in Boone a couple of weeks ago and went around to a few spots to look at employment possibilities (I also looked seriously at App State for schooling) and I actually managed to get into a pair of jeans with a 34 inch waist. Not terribly comfortably, but it was something I haven't been able to do at all in years. They were cut horribly for anyone that possessed any kind of male anatomy, though. On sale or not, I wasn't buying them in 34 or my usual 36. So there. I'm trimming down. I wish I knew someone in the Salisbury area to workout or exercise with. I'm terrible lazy and I do better when I've got someone to help push me along. I try my best, though. I eat significantly less than I use to. This isn't to say I'm crash dieting or starving. I just ate too much too often. Stuffing yourself with good food from time to time is ok. I'd say healthy, but I have a whole mind-body-soul approach to health, not just one part at a time. You just can't push the full button everytime you eat. There's no point. I also eat when I'm hungry, only. I don't eat when I'm bored anymore. The Fast helped kick that habit. I do have some willpower.

So that's the news. It's not much. But I haven't posted in months and I was tired of looking at my last post.

i feel i must interject here

Monday, February 02, 2009

The Return of Bad Year 2002

Ok, so the title is a very obscure reference to some of my earliest posts on Blogspot. But it's my blog and I'll allude if I want to.

So here's my theory, and I'll go into greater detail in a moment.

My life has a certain resonance with the number 13 and it's shunned/cursed/hated/unlucky nature and reputation. As such, looking back at my life, I have had two "cycles" in my life. One good, the latter full of turmoil and drama. Angst, poor choices, bad luck, etc.

The first 13 years of my life were, if not Rockwellian, good years. I don't remember wanting for something, much less needing anything. I was well provided, loved. I was encouraged. In general a bright, happy youth.

The summer after my 13th birthday, my parents split up. Things kinda went down hill from there. I don't blame the fates or the stars for the things I could control. If I had bad grades it was because I was lazy or refused/forgot to take my medications. If I had good grades it was because I was (and still am, some decisions notwithstanding) and interested in the subject matter. I had no control over the unpleasantness of my parents' separation and subsequent divorce. I had no control over the changes in my brain and physiology as I changed from boyhood to teenhood to manhood. I didn't have control over who found me attractive, but I did have control over my choices in relationships. I didn't make good ones sometimes. I had control over my decisions when it came to college, where I was going to go, whether or not I went to class. I didn't always decide well. I had some, but not complete control over my employment. Best Buy was mutually assured destruction. UNCG was not. I had some control over living arrangements, but didn't exercise the best judgement on when I finally bit the bullet and moved back to Salisbury. A lot of it was (and still is) issues with pride and hating to admit to anyone I need help with anything. A lot of it was stubborn inertia. I don't like ultimatums, I don't like being pushed. Keep pushing and I will push back even if I really need to go in the direction I'm being pushed. It's not smart sometimes, but it's who I am.

Anyway, I'm 26. I'll be embarking on a new 13 year cycle this May. And, by every sign, chart, and calculation, it should be an upswing. But then, it wouldn't take a lot to go into an upswing at this point.

I harbor a secret of sorts. It's embarassing, really. I don't have a valid driver's lisence. The reason is stupid. I was stupid. Too much burying my head in the sand, not enough asking for help and admitting I made a mistake. The saga goes back to 2001, and some unpaid tickets for an expired tag. Please, don't lecture me on how stupid it was. I know it was stupid. I've talked a lot about getting it fixed, and I never did anything. I did a little preliminary research, but always dropped it along the way. I get easily distracted from the things I don't want to do. Always have. But on the 20th, two Saturdays ago, I was driving home from work (again, no lecturing please) and a lady ran a red light and took the front end off the Honda I was driving. It was all but mine. I paid $650 to get it back running again right after Christmas. I had plans for that car. It was a good car. We had owned it for about 10 years, and dropped about 150,000 miles on it. I mourn her passing. But, of course, that means that the police would be involved. And that means my driving record will be involved. Which means that I am forced to do what I was already doing. I had been in contact with an attorney in the county of the original offence the week prior attempting to get a game plan in order. I was putting things in place. I was even getting on the phone and making sure UNCG sent my W-2 to the right address. And I had even purchased the Hayne's Repair Manual for that model of Honda. So of course I'd get into an accident. And even though it wasn't my fault (she ran the redlight, but with a lack of 3rd party witnesses, the accident was ruled as No Fault Found), I was still driving without a lisence. So I still got a ticket.

But yeah. I've got a court date. I've got an attorney. I've got a game plan, and W-2's and conveniently timed paychecks. My ducks are getting in their rows. And I really think I can be valid and legal and everything well before my birthday. This puts a serious curtail on paying off my debt, but this issue is decidedly the higher priority.

But I still need a dependable ride to work. Blah.

i fought the law and the law won