Monday, November 29, 2004

PCChips, May They Rot in Hell

Well. The Rummatron is finally completed. Took long enough, no thanks to the PCChips brand. If you're ever looking into doing your own upgrades, never ever ever buy PCChips. The motherboard I ordered to replace the PCChips motherboard (which was, in itself, a replacement for the faulty one I got sent the first time) came in a full three days earlier than expected. That's $2.99 well spent on the rush processing. So it's finally done. The Rummatron. And I might be able to at least upgrade one system if not build a new one outright for Holly. Yay!

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Ev'rybody wants to be a piiiiirate...

My pirate name is:

Iron John Cash

A pirate's life isn't easy; it takes a tough person. That's okay with you, though, since you a tough person. You're musical, and you've got a certain style if not flair. You'll do just fine. Arr!
Get your own pirate name from

I blame Holly for that. Oh well. Iron John Cash works.

So things are good. Not great, but good. And still improving. Just slowly.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Bittersweet Thoughts, Like Fine Wine

I smelled snow.

It was a truly beautiful night out tonight, though I didn't get to spend near as much time as I'd have liked actually out in it. But when one is extorted into making an appearance at one's step-family's Thanksgiving dinner, one has to stick around indoors, lest one appear antisocial. My mother is very big on appearances.

I smelled snow in the air. The faint draught flowing in from the West, carrying a subtle scent of falling purity from the mountains. It's a soothing smell I can't quite describe. Icy, but not dry. Cold, but not frigid. If you can smell snow, you're right there with me, but if you can't, I'm afraid you're stuck in the dark. But my nose is sensitive anyway.

Yellow Tail, an Austrailian vineyard, makes good wine, by the way.

So as the motions and rituals of departure were observed by the family. and ignored by me, I took a step outside. The moon was near full, bright. Beautiful. Casting a cool, pale light across the world, washing it in silver-blue. And not for the first time did I think of you today. With those thoughts came a subtle flow of bittersweet rememberance. I sipped of the flow, tasting it, carefully, slowly. A bouquet of fondness with a hint of sadness. Not overbearing, very subtle. Enhancing and mixing with the feeling of family and affection (and a very full stomach. God bless American gluttony on this day) to make a very potent poignancy. I think you'd like my family. not Randy's family, but my dad's side of the family. They're all pretty open about people we bring to family functions like Thanksgiving. My dad, aunts and uncles and grandparents all, trust our, being my siblings and cousins, judgements in that if we think the people we bring are worthy of inclusion, they're willing to see what we see in a person. They're pretty sarcastic, but in a way only family can be. Lovingly jabbing at one another, smiles all the while. Though really it was tonight I would have liked to have had you there with me, briefly though the moment lasted. A moment, a perfect, bittersweet moment. There in the moonlight and chill air, the hint of snow on the wind. I would have liked to have been able to share that moment with you. God willing, perhaps someday, a similar moment.

Another sip, smoothly down it goes, cool to the taste, warm in the heart. I remember other moments. Moments shared, moments lost. Others who have been held fond in my heart, and I send off a quick prayer, a sincere whim, really. Wishing, hoping, praying that they're days had been for them what mine had been for me. And I thanked God that they were, or perhaps once were, in my life. I thanked Him for many things. Living here in this nation where there is such plenty that I may eat until my IQ has dropped several points from sheer mass of intake; having the family I have, loving, supporting; my friends, close, near, and dear advisors and advisees, good hearts all; my change of fortune, if fortune it truly could be called, for it has truly changed; and of course, you, though I might not be wise in saying these things so openly. But I think they need to be said. That and all this bittersweet ponderance and introspection has caused a waxing poetical that needs an outlet. So here it is in all it's wine-induced glory.

So yeah. I thought of you. I hope your family has been good for you, as that's really what this season, this day is all about. Sure, there's a lot of good food to eat. Football (though what the heck was going on in the Bears/Cowboys game? Major suck! Learn to play! You're getting paid way too much for it as it is, yeesh) if you're into that sort of thing. History, rememberance, thanks, and all the rest. But it's about family, blooded and extended, kith, kin, and friends. And family, to me, thank God for this, means love.

"And these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. The greatest of these is Love."

I love you all. And I thank God that I am able to be here with you all, and that you all are here with me. God bless you all.


I smelled snow.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

And the LORD spake, saying "Patience."

Once again, I am being told to have patience. For those three of you out there that read this and haven't heard, the Firefly movie Serenity has been delayed. Originally slated for April 2005, it's been bumped back to September 30th. However, Joss, the director of the film, agrees with the delay. He has said many times that Universal has been working with him every step of the way, not interfering in the creative process, basically being as cool as possible. From what the Mighty Joss tells us, Universal wants Serenity to do as well as it possibly can. And coming out just before Episode III, while it has its benefits, might lead to it getting buried as there's a lot coming out in April. So we wait a few more months. I will do what I can to be patient. It's the best thing I can do. Get people to see the DVD's. Hype up the movie. Cheer at the trailers.

It's just another thing I need patience for. God has gifted me with, what has been called by the only person that matters at the moment, Legendary patience.

"Cool yer jets, kid. Take it easy. Isn't that the way you like to do it, anyway? Isn't that the Way I showed you? Isn't that the Better Way?" God's apparently a very down to earth conversationalist. "Bub." And sounds like Wolverine reads in the comics.
"Yes, LORD. I know. It's just that I don't want to wait."
"Aren't you the one that's always touting about the difference between Needs and Wants?"
"Yes, Father. But I don't wanna."
"Alright, alright. Jeezy creezy." Apologies to Mr. Izzard.

Yes, I'm nuts. But name me one sane prophet in the whole of the Bible. Go ahead. Try. That's right, you can't. Because they were nuts. You can't be touched by God and remain sane by the standards of the world, y'know?

Bad Joke to Improve Your Mood

This is a bad joke. But while the group it makes fun of and location are *insert here* variables, I decided to go with the South and rednecks. Because as a white man living in the South, that's the only group I can get away with messing with.

A mild-mannered man walks into a bar. This bar is on the fourth floor of a hotel in Charlotte, North Carolina. He orders ten shots of the strongest rotgut in the bar. He downs the ten shots in rapid succession, and promptly jumps out the window. A crowd goes to the window, and see the man dust himself off and walk away. A group of rednecks go back to their booth and get to talking. They'd had several pitchers of Bud already, and seeing as how alcohol improves one's judgement, they saunter up to the bar. They demanded ten shots of whatever that man had just had. They all take the shots and stumble over to the large opening and fall out, crashing into the street below. The bartender sighs, and shakes his head. He dials 911. "Hello? Yes, I have an emergency. This is Joe down at Mack's at the Plaza. Yes. Fourth floor. It seems that Superman is screwing with the rednecks again."

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Can Ya, Will Ya, Do Ya

can ya, will ya, do ya (unh)
do ya love me too

when we dance
dancin' close and slow
that's how I know
I know you love me so
can ya, will ya, do ya (unh)
do ya love me too

oh baby when we talk
whisper soft and low
my lips caress your cheek
and I say I love you so
can ya, will ya, do ya (unh)
do ya love me true

and when we love
sweet hot lovin', whoa
baby can you feel it?
how I love you so
can ya, will ya, make ya (unh)
make ya love with me

sweetness, when you doubt
we're human, it's alight
just go on, let it on out
I'll tell you as you cry
can I, will I, do I (unh)
how I love you so

and when we love
sweet hot lovin', whoa
baby can you feel it?
how I love you so
can ya, will ya, do ya (unh)
do ya love me too

can ya (unh)
will ya (unh)
do ya (yeah, yeah)
do ya love me too

Friday, November 19, 2004

Fools Rush In

So I've discovered an artist I admire that I can actually sing along with. Elvis! That's right, the King himself. The song "Fools Rush In" has been in my head of late. It's appropriate to my situation right now. Have a look-see:

Wise men say only fools rush in
but I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
some things are meant to be
take my hand, take my whole life too
for I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
some things are meant to be
take my hand, take my whole life too
for I can't help falling in love with you
for I can't help falling in love with you

Of course, then I started looking up and downloading all the Elvis songs I liked. Then I started listening. Then I started singing. While his normal range is in my upper limits, I find that when I sing higher into the tenor range than my usual baritone, I end up with a softer quality of sound. And when you're singing most Elvis love songs, isn't that what you want? Now, to serenade!

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Let's see where this goes.

All day today there's been a million things running around in my mind. I feel like my brain is about to explode and splatter on the inside of my skull. Holly came down and spent the evening,and then some. Which, all told, was great. We talked a lot, learned a lot. She's in a rough spot, though. Stress is piling up on her. It's not enough that she's stage managing a rather large show, but she's got issues with her friends. She likes her firends, but has to move out of the apartment she shares with them because they're driving her nuts. And she wants to still be friends which is why she feels she has to move out. But they've told her in no uncertain terms that while they'll work out the paperwork on the rent/lease/whatever, if she moves out, they won't be her friend any more. And that leaves me feeling bad. I'm not exactly close by. And I want nothing more than to comfort her, but I really can't.

Hate being powerless.

There seems like there's something else I need to be writing, something else that needs to come out. I think I know what it might be, but that's not something I care to put forth for public scrutiny. Or at least that might be part of it. Urrah. I need to live in Greensboro. That's all there is to it. Find decent work, move into a comfortable place. Perhaps with a certain person as a roommate. Though that'd be the shame of my family. Oh no. Co-habitation! Living in sin! Aieee!! Wouldn't be the first time I pulled a black-sheep moment, probably not the last. But this is me getting waaaaaaaaaay ahead of myself. I'm trying to keep it under control, keep the horse reigned in, but it wants to run. And I want to let it run. It's a sad state of affairs that even this mopey kind of love feels so much better than the hate and bitterness I'd grown accustomed to. It's not been but 12 hours since I last physically saw her, but I miss her still.

I'm strangely without doubt. I've only known her, what, a month? I think it's a strong possibility that I love her already. But that's not really all that surpising. When I let my guard down, I fall in love easily. And she got my guard down. Really, this whole year since June has been leading up to a lessening of the wall, an opening of the doors and such. And the Faire season did nothing but help. So many wonderful people finding themselves in my path. Or me in theirs. Chris, Lani, Michelle, Lenore, Jeff, Heather, the other Heather, Phil, Shirley, Craig, Maria, and, of course and especially, Holly. I count myself blessed to have such people in my life, making it possible for me to be happy again.

Though, way to go, Chris. Getting all sick. You're throwing off the groove and making my life slightly more complicated. Loser.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

I place my curse upon the employment process

For two months, or more, I have been seeking employment. No one would hire me, I imagine because I think my skills and experiences should equal a paltry sum more than they want to pay. In the form of one whole extra dollar an hour than starting wages. But then my cousin stops by, calls a guy he used to work with, I go up to the place, fill out an application, have an interview and get hired. In the space of an HOUR.

What the hell.

So now I'm gainfully employed in a full-time capacity. Washing cars. For $6/hr plus tips. Which isn't too bad for the work. Now I need to find another job for my evenings. Something to run from like 7PM to midnight during the week. I could handle that. Or maybe I'll just work crazy mad hours at the current job. Who knows. I've a job. That's the importat part.

Now to find work in Greensboro.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Survey says!

Found this on Holly's LiveJournal (see the link down there on the side) and thought I might fill it out while I did some laundry.

1. Who did you last get angry with? Fat Alice
2. What is your weapon of choice? my dark blade, Morelen
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? physical impossibility. my body won't let me
4. How about of the same sex? if given a reason
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? my step-dad
6. What is your pet peeve? Stupid people.
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I don't forget things easily.

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? laundry
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 5 pm.
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: my cousin, Tony
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? Stuck in traffic.
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)? No
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? tossing Michelle about in the pool
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? Alarm? what?

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Espresso smoothie
2. Meat eater? Me am meativore
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? 5 oz. of Peppermint schnaps, 8 oz. Capt. Morgan's Private stock, one Irish car bomb, one Killian's Irish red, three shots of Jameson's Irish Whiskey (12 year), and a bottle and a half of mead. Barely drunk, no hangover.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? Hell no.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? weight's not an issue. size is, and that's being worked on
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? foods is foods
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH!"? nah, too small. a cow on the other hand...

1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? 1
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? 1?
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? well, duh
4. Have you "done it"? Virgin, 1st Class
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? ye gads, there's so many. I do have a fondness for necks, cheeks, lips, earlobes, and thighs, but I think my favorite is that soft sweet space between the belly button and the gloried temple below
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? Nope
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? nope

1. How many credit cards do you own? uno
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? eBay
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? give a lot away, buy some really neat toys and live for about 10 years without the need for work
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? famous. When I become Emperor, thanks to my fame, money enough for comfort will come on it's own
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? for a while. I can make any job interesting
6. Have you ever stolen anything? Nothing significant, but I'm working on a heart
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? 1582 +/-20

1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? a tour of duty with Fat Alice
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? graduating with honors
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? become Emperor of America. Either that or settle down, own a house, make a family. I wouldn't mind being able to get my act together and write a novel.
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? depends. in some situations, the lady should always come first. Beware the double entendre
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? not that I recall
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? No.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? told her I was falling in love with her

1. What item (or person) of your friends' would you most want to have for your own? there's not a whole lot I want that someone else has. there are things I want that no one has, though
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? Lani
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? Grey, cleric and paladin of Cuthbert
4. Have you ever been cheated on? you have no idea.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? fuller facial hair.
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? light-heartedness
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? psh, no
8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? lust would be nice, but I'm such a lover of food, so I'll have to go with gluttony

1. What religion do you follow? Christian, ancient
2. What religion were you raised as? Christian, Protestant
3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property? Yes
4. Do you believe in magic? I've seen spells, and I've seen the power of faith in God
5. What was the last promise you broke? I don't break promises
6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it? in my darker, pagan days
7. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect? nope. Humans are born flawed, but that's part of the beauty of it all

1. Did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season? no, but I wasn't disappointed
2. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for? security
3. Do you let yourself get your hopes up for something even if you know that there is a large chance of failure? Yes.
5. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? yep
6. Do you gamble? from time to time
7. Have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and done it anyway? not that I can remember

1. What causes do you support? friends
2. What causes have you given money or time to? church offerings, Salvation Army, friends, beggars
3. Have you ever worked in a soup kitchen or done another kind of outreach for the homeless? yep
4. Would you ever consider joining the Peace Corps, Amnesty International, or another travel-inherent worldwide charity group? not in particular
5. Do you give money to the homeless on the street? I have
6. Have you ever helped out a friend with basic needs, like rent or food? Da
7.What's the greatest extent to which you've gone to help a friend in need? helping a friend move like five times

1. What are you most afraid of? I fear nothing save the pain and loss of the ones I love
2. What did you do today that was really brave? confessed my love
3. Who is your favorite super hero, and why? Cyclops, strong, stalwart leader guy
4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone? immediately
5. If you were to face the Wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? Prophets need not the wizard, I would have been happy enough with helping Dorothy get there
6. Have you ever gotten stage fright? da
7. Do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower? I lead, it's what prophets do

1. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? no
2. If they reinstituted the draft (for both genders), would you go, or would find some way out of it? If, God forbid, a draft was reinstituted, I'd go enlist
3. Do you support capital punishment (the death penalty)? yes
4. What should be legalized? the carrying of swords in public
5. Do you believe that Dubya is rightfully President of the USA? right or wrong, he's the pres.
6. What was your favorite media circus trial? OJ, baby
7. Have you ever written a letter to a politician? not yet

1. What do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on? moderation
2. Do you collect anything? comic books, Warhammer, Transformers
3. Are you addicted to anything? caffiene
4. Have you ever put anything on layaway or used an installment plan? no
5. What's your preferred method of paying for things? debit card
6. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do: get as far in with Fat Alice as I did
7. Do you feel that you obsess over things? sometimes

1. Who is the wisest person you know? Harold Fisher
2. Have you ever participated in a vigil? yep
3. Do you take advice when it's given? a lot of the advice I get I already follow
4. What area are you wisest in? one area? Um...matters of the heart
5. Do you drive defensively? ish
6. What did you learn in the last past week? I'm am so wholly impatient it's maddening

Monday, November 15, 2004

Dark Wings in the Light

In the ruins
Devestation of old battles
won and lost in ages old
She stands alone
A meeting of ruined places
A figure walks in the mists
Baptized in old battles
won and lost in ages old
reaffirmed, atoned
A paladin bathed in light
renewed again, the Old Light
Cloak of charcoaled color
sits heavily on his shoulders
he sheaths his blade
dark and heavy
darkness bound within
he spies her alone in the ruin
fae, tall, sad, beautiful
he stands before her
no words are spoken
grey eyes and hers brown
no words are needed
his arms held wide
the light glow from his raiment
casts a warmth upon her, comforting
she steps into his arms
he holds her tight and smiles
his black wings envelope the embrace
warm and comforting
as Dawn's red glow
leaps from the mountains
a warm wind blows from the West
dark wings in the light

Chemical Imbalance

I'm 22 years old and still prone to moodiness. What the heck.

This weekend proved bittersweet, but I expected no less. I love the Ren-Fest. It's my little escape. It's my chance to be who I really think I am for a few hours a day. Or at least a close approximation. It's tiring, though. And being the lazy bum I can be sometimes, I do miss sleeping in on Saturdays. But there's so many people there that I like, and that like me (who knew?). Many of them I see once a month or so, for our Royal Court meetings, some I don't see but the weeks of Faire. I'll miss the ones I won't see, and I can't wait to see them again.

But the end of Faire isn't the only emotional ride I get to take these days. New romance, all fragile and slow and stuff, is being something of a roller coaster for me. And it doesn't help that I'm not used to feeling this much...well, feeling. It's...hard to be patient. I want to be patient. I don't want to screw this up, as I'm prone to do. I don't want to cause discomfort or pain. And I don't want to be hurt again. It's hard to admit that, hard to be self-aware, self-serving like that. At least it is for me. I'm more servant than master. Not in any dominance/submission kind of way. Just try to pull that dominatrix stuff out and see how fast I get pissed. But in dealing with someone of a more passive nature, there's a lot of responsibility. For one, I have to learn to trust what my instincts say, and trust that what I'm reading is the real thing. I've dealt with manipulators and liars in the past. Putting forth one thing, knowing I'll pick it up, just so they can say that it was my idea, my fault. I'm willing to jump on into this, head-first. I don't want to get hurt, but I'm willing to risk it. Just sitting around and waiting, well, nothing's going to happen that way. At least it hasn't in the past. But I like things spelled out simply. Just tell me what you want, tell me what you need. And if it's at all within my power, well, you'll get it. Is it possible to be both master and servant? To lead, but lead to the needs of the one whom you are leading?

I feel so much more complete than I have since I was very young. The ancient and pure part of me has finally come back. It's not the same, but I'm not 12 anymore. Not a child. It's integrated into the Cleric. The Paladin that fell. The fallen became penitent. Penitence birthed the Cleric. The Cleric sought atonement. Atonement was achieved and the Paladin restored. Completed, though. Integrating all the parts. White, Dark, Grey. Grey, washed clean, with the Holy might of White, but still maintaining the stoicism, the silent strength of Grey. And Dark, forged and bound into a weapon, not roaming free in the mind.

Ramble on! I think I brought up the topic of a solidified, "official" relationship too soon. It was my mistake to make, of course, but I am eager, impatient really, to share my life. I've never liked or understood how one could like being single. This is not to say that I have not been happy while being single, just never happy with being single. Even in the happiest of moments with my wonderful friends, there was always that fragment of incompleteness that came from not having that special someone, a lover. She knows my intentions. I have told her. Gently, of course, and romantically. But it is my intention to be her man. I do not seek to make her mine, but to become hers.

And I've written a lot, but my mind has been going crazy all weekend and I've not had the outlet for all this madness. And, the chemical imbalance passes with a healthy (read: massive) dose of caffiene and sugar and talking to Buttons.

The Return of the Eldest

Long ago in an ancient land there came the eldest. The First of the Council. In the first days, the world was new, bright. The Eldest was the Son of the Good King Harry. The Eldest was but a child, yet he grew up strong, tall, bright.

But one day, the Good King left. The Eldest was left alone, and unguided, and very impressionable. The land fell to Darkness. Years passed, and the Darkness grew, and the Darkness grew within the Heart of the Eldest. And then came the Dark.

Battle was joined, but the Eldest, his heart poisoned, could not defeat the Dark. The Eldest was defeated, and taken away by the Powers, mortally wounded. The Dark stood tall and brazen. He spoke boldly and loudly, arrogantly defying the God of the Eldest, declaring the land a haven for the Darkness. For many years it was thus.

Then out of the mists came the Grey One. A thick fog settled over the ruined battlements of the Castle of the Eldest. Dark sat, brooding on an icy throne. A bright star fell from the sky, swooping low. The land, hard and cold, thawed in the heat and light of the star. From the mists came Retribution. The Grey One stalked the icy tower and came upon the throne. He stood silently before the Dark. With no words, the two joined into battle. The battle waged on and on, exploding forth from the icy tower, into the fields and hills. Mountains were leveled, plains upturned. In the end, the Dark was defeated, but only just. Drawing on the power and might of the Old God, the One, Eru, the Grey bound the essence of the Dark into an unholy blade, Morelen, sealing the power of the Dark within, tainting only the bearer of the blade. Grey walked wearily up the stairs and stood, alone in the ruined throne room. He drove the Unholy Blade into the empty throne. The land was brightened lowly, but still lost to the Day. Grey stood and stared out of the hole in the wall.

Years passed.

Many ages of passed on, and still Grey kept his silent vigil, but one day, the sun pierced through the clouds, and lighted upon a small sprig of dark green in the falling snow. Dark green and bright red, a branch of Holly. And the night fell, and then came the dawn. The return of the Dawn came. Riding in from the East with the sun was the Eldest. Healed, restored. The sun cast its eyes on the land, green returned, warmth, peace. As The Eldest climbed the stairs to the throne room, Grey turned to face the great doors. A single tear rolled from his face, and he smiled. As the Eldest pushed the doors wide, the Grey passed into the fading mist as a ghost. The Eldest walked to the throne and grasped the Unholy Blade and pulled it from the throne. The Darkness pulsed from the blade, but forfeited to the Might of the Eldest. He turned to the East windows as the sun rose.

"I am the White. Grey has atoned for the fall. The Paladin has returned from the Lands of the Dead. I was carried to the West, have passed through the Darkness, and was taken the Gates of Morn. Justice the White, the Eldest King is King once more."

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

A Public Letter to a Private Person

Holly Lynne Burgess, my dear, my sweet,

Normally, it's not my style to do things like this. My whole approach involves spending time befriending a girl, getting to know her over a period of time, always variable, before even considering a relationship. But then, I don't "date" per se. Not the casual, hey you're hot, let's go grab a meal and be romantic then find out we've got nothing in common and hate each other. It's the way I've always done things. I don't need or want casual attentions and affections, nor do I care to give casual affection or attention. And the non-casual approach still holds true. While you coming into my life has certainly added a certain amount of whim and impulse to my thinking, my intentions are...serious is a bad word, here, makes it seem too stiff...genuine/thoughtful/honest/earnest/pensive. Sometimes it just doesn't translate into English very well. Deep. My intentions are deep. Not shallow.

But here's the difference. I haven't known you for very long. At the same time, though, I feel like I've known you for a much longer time than I have. And every little new bit of you I discover, I like. It's as if there's a checklist of all the things I could want or need or like in a girl. And I learn something about you, and boom, another box is checked off. Only I never made a checklist. I kept my "type" pretty open to change and difference. Seemed logical. Increases the odds if you're not stuck on any one particular type. But regardless, there you are. Ever since that first time you touched me, I knew there was something there I liked, something...compatible, resonant with myself.

I have a sense for these things. A certain "spark" that is unique to but a few people I've met in my lifetime. It's not the same type of spark, but just that the said spark is in you. Kinda like being Force Sensitive and knowing that, yes, "the Force is strong in this one." But my senses are a topic for another day.

I sense some deep hurt inside you. I can't tell for sure, but while you claim that you were called the manipulative one, the bad one, I have a feeling the words were of spite, anger, and bitterness, not truth. I sense that you were the one that was betrayed, that was hurt more. I've seen the wall. You've lowered the bridge, and while you've been cleaning the gears, the portcullis, the gate is still closed. But lucky for this cleric of Cuthbert, I am errant. A Wanderer Knight. I've got nowhere else I need to be. I can sit here at the gate as long as you need me to. I can fend off attackers while I'm here, if it comes to it. It's what I was designed for: the rescue of damsels. And also the sharing of burdens. I am built both physicall and mentally for the carrying of weight. I'm big tough guy, heap big. Carry things well.

But also, as you well know, I have a gentle healing touch. I used to be a Paladin once. I know the "laying of hands" trick. Still managed to carry some of the abilites over to my clerichood.

I've got hurt in my past too, it happens to us nice guys. Just something I got used to, I suppose. But you don't have to worry about me comparing you with the ones of the past, especially not Fat Alice. All the comparisons were made that night. Over and done with. Swiftly two. One very swift sidelong glance at the two profiles, and hers was tossed away. I hardly knew you, and I could already tell you blew her away, even comparing your worst with her best. But I know how that hurt can take time to recover from. I know how it can make trust hard. So I can wait. But I also know that hurt heals better with the help of someone else. Trust grows back faster with aid. I hope that you can feel the trustworthiness in my hands, the safety of my eyes, the comfort of my embrace. Those first steps out of that crumbling, neglected tower are scary. The daylight's kinda painful. I know. But I'm here. I'll be holding your hand the whole way. I've even got a pair of sunglasses handy until your eyes get used to it. Whenever you're ready, my hand is extended to you.

But I warn you. I will be persistent and goofy. I shall be stubborn and unwavering in my adoration of you. And with all the consternation and obstinance of the most unruly mule will I be kind and gentle and patient with you. I will be loyal. I will be caring. I will be romantic to such levels that you will be able to make a fortune in canned vegetables for all the corn. But in every glance, in every caress, in every kiss, there will be the same tenderness and care.

I won't brandish about the "L word," not for a while. But I think I just might be that way. I am quit taken. Smitten even. I like you a lot. There's not a part of you I don't like. Even your passive nature, even your reluctance are dear little flaws to me. You could be perfect, but then you wouldn't be human. You aren't perfect, but each of these little imperfections only endear you to me even more. The little scars there on your chin, for example. They are but a part of your face, and it is that face that I find so beautiful. Tall, slender, smooth. So very smooth. Smooth kisses like velvet cream and silk. A long soft tummy, that fits the caress of my fingers so very pleasingly. And litanies of the glorification of legs and cheeks and hair. Tomes of passion for ears and eyes and lips. It is for you and all these things that are you that I am willing to wait. Admiration and yearning and longing all tempered by patience of superhuman and epic scale.

Halcyon and on and on.

Monday, November 08, 2004


My weekend, however, was good. It would have been great, but there was a hiccup in "the Plan" Saturday night. It all seemed to have resolved itself in the morning, but put a bit of a dampener on my mood right before bed.

But as I said, it's all good. Holly looked fantastic in her skirt and knee boots and fishnets and black top and all that. Is fantastic the word I'm looking for? Amazing? Stunning, delicious, hot, sexy, delectible, tempting, sensuous. And some other words that all add up to me liking what I saw.

Yep. Smitten.

Home is for Troubles

This most reason season at the Carolina Renaissance Festival, and, indeed, since this summer, I have discovered more and more how much of a dicotomy exists in my life. Any time I am not at home, the world smiles upon me, troubles do not exist, plans all work, and surprises are always pleasant. Then the weekend comes to a close, and Monday arrives. I arise from my bad at home, and wake to a world where nothing works unless it works against me. Examples you say? Well, sure, why not?

I've been working for nigh unto a month, if not longer, on this computer for John's parents. I've sent back the motherboard for a replacement. I've replaced the power supply. I've tried shorting the connection for the power switch. Nada. Crappo. And, of course, my life has sucked away all the profit I made off that machine such to the point where I cannot afford to dip into my own funds to buy a different motherboard. Learn this lesson from me. NEVER BUY PCCHIPS. EVER.

There is some issue with the insurance on my car. Due to a miscommunication, my entire policy was cancelled when I dropped the insurance on the van I just sold. So I had a lapse. So I get that taken care of, having to sign up for a new policy at TWICE what I used to pay because of the lapse. And then I get a letter saying that I still have to surrender the tag for 30 days. What the hell. I have insurance, but they still want my tag. Which will do wonders for my job search.

Billie never came to the Ren-Fest this weekend to return my cloak and Firefly DVD's, so I can only hope that she dropped them off at her parents' house. I really want my DVD's.

Holly lives in Greensboro. An hour and a quarter of a tank of gas away from me. And I can't foresee any way I can get into Greensboro until after the end of the year. Which is a little bit of what might look like too much forward planning, but I wanted to move to Greensboro to find work and not be in Salisbury before I met Holly. I just have even more reason to want to live there.

So much crap here. None of it reaches me when I'm not here at home.

I thihnk I could make the most of it go away if I have about $5000. That'd take care of every kind of debt and standing financial obligation I have, plus give me enough to either take care of every little issue with my car or buy a different one outright. But the likelihood of me getting $5000 without obligation or the need to pay it back is nonexistent.


Wednesday, November 03, 2004

An Open Letter on the Election

Your guy didn't win. But it was close! You should be pleased that it was so close. And did you see the numbers? We all got out and voted in the highest voter turn out since I was born in '82, and, really, it was one of the highest voter turnouts in our nation's history!

Things look kinda down right now, given the Republican majority in most of the fedeal levels of the government right now. But keep your chin up. It's not over. You've still got a voice. Keep in touch with your representatives and senators. Support bipartisan endeavors and cooperation.

Congratulations on an electoral and popular victory this time around. Of course we can all be thankful for the swiftness of the resolution of this election. You've got a majority in Congress as well. Now, it's up to you to be responsible with your majority. Work with the Democrats. They aren't your enemies. They just have a different point of view. Also, remember that all this can change in the space of two or another four years.

Everyone else:
Good job on getting out there and voting. Even in my little state of North Carolina, and my little county, there were a lot of Libertarians on the ballot! Even if you can't vote for your party, you voted for who you thought was best. And it's not over for you guys either. It's still important to be politically active.

Kids what can't vote yet:
Don't be afraid. There aren't going to be any drafts. That's a vile, vicious rumor spread about to scare you into supporting non-Bush. No one wants a draft. A draft is bad for re-election. It's immoral and unpopular. So relax and register the MOMENT you turn 18. Have your voice heard.

What, were you guys asleep? All three of you? Every-ruttin'-body else voted, where were you?! I better not hear you complain. If you can't bother with putting your one voice out there, you've got no complaining rights. Worthless slackers.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Destiny, Non-Aggression, and the Luck of Turin

Somehow I have tapped into the nigh-unto-infinite energies that are tied to Turin Swift. Turin Swift is capable of impossible things, like dodging the magical equivalent of a small nuclear explosion. In an inclosed hallway. With no nearby exits. In his sleep. There are times when I can tap into this phenominally impossible Luck, though only rarely. But the results, while extraordinary, pale in comparison to the times when I stumble into said Luck. Because blind, stupid luck is the very heart of the Luck of Turin. Though perhaps Luck isn't the proper term. Perhaps Destiny is a better term. What seems impossible in the terms of random Chance, is possible when something is just Meant to be. For most of my life Fate and Chance have been forces that have conspired against me. I cannot rely on Chance for help or hope. If I am given 50/50 odds on anything, I will lose 99.9% of the time. "Playing the Odds" is a false comfort in my case. Destiny, however, takes pity on me, as does her older brother Doom. Destiny.

To digress, I have had a Non-Aggresstion Pact with romance since my mid-teens. Whenever I sought after romance and love, I was always sorely rejected. Fantastically and terribly so. Beautiful, god-like failures of epic, monumental scope. I do not stumble. I fall as a Texas sized meteor slamming into the earth's surface at Mach 10, scattering fire and destruction in my wake as I create a crater the size of the Gulf of Mexico. So that's why I developed a philosophy of not actively seeking love. The two most memorable objects of my affection in my lifetime found me, not the other way around. Same with this most recent occurance, some two and a half years in the waiting. I don't know her that well, but I am learning more that just make me like her more and more. She is tall, slender, soft. A soothing alto, with hints of sensuality. Reserved, somewhat shy, but I believe it has more to do with her unfamiliarity with the group of people who so swiftly accepted her, myself included. She's into AD&D and Whitewolf RPG's, she likes video games. She's into the whole Ren-Fest thing. And she opened herself up to me first. Simply, and quietly, just playing in a pool, then she was the one who leaned on me later that evening as we were all hanging out, relaxing on the balcony. I am smitten in a way I have not been in a very long time. And I couldn't be happier.

Destiny has whispered to Autumn.
A warm smile parts her lips,
her hair,
flecked with the bright reds,
and yellows
of the leaves wild and untamed.
Autumn smiles upon me
at the request of Destiny.
They both smile
An opportunity is presented,
simple, like a brown paper package.
Carefully placed inside
is the chance for new love.
set aside for the day
when my heart was ready
to love again.