Monday, November 15, 2004

Chemical Imbalance

I'm 22 years old and still prone to moodiness. What the heck.

This weekend proved bittersweet, but I expected no less. I love the Ren-Fest. It's my little escape. It's my chance to be who I really think I am for a few hours a day. Or at least a close approximation. It's tiring, though. And being the lazy bum I can be sometimes, I do miss sleeping in on Saturdays. But there's so many people there that I like, and that like me (who knew?). Many of them I see once a month or so, for our Royal Court meetings, some I don't see but the weeks of Faire. I'll miss the ones I won't see, and I can't wait to see them again.

But the end of Faire isn't the only emotional ride I get to take these days. New romance, all fragile and slow and stuff, is being something of a roller coaster for me. And it doesn't help that I'm not used to feeling this much...well, feeling. It's...hard to be patient. I want to be patient. I don't want to screw this up, as I'm prone to do. I don't want to cause discomfort or pain. And I don't want to be hurt again. It's hard to admit that, hard to be self-aware, self-serving like that. At least it is for me. I'm more servant than master. Not in any dominance/submission kind of way. Just try to pull that dominatrix stuff out and see how fast I get pissed. But in dealing with someone of a more passive nature, there's a lot of responsibility. For one, I have to learn to trust what my instincts say, and trust that what I'm reading is the real thing. I've dealt with manipulators and liars in the past. Putting forth one thing, knowing I'll pick it up, just so they can say that it was my idea, my fault. I'm willing to jump on into this, head-first. I don't want to get hurt, but I'm willing to risk it. Just sitting around and waiting, well, nothing's going to happen that way. At least it hasn't in the past. But I like things spelled out simply. Just tell me what you want, tell me what you need. And if it's at all within my power, well, you'll get it. Is it possible to be both master and servant? To lead, but lead to the needs of the one whom you are leading?

I feel so much more complete than I have since I was very young. The ancient and pure part of me has finally come back. It's not the same, but I'm not 12 anymore. Not a child. It's integrated into the Cleric. The Paladin that fell. The fallen became penitent. Penitence birthed the Cleric. The Cleric sought atonement. Atonement was achieved and the Paladin restored. Completed, though. Integrating all the parts. White, Dark, Grey. Grey, washed clean, with the Holy might of White, but still maintaining the stoicism, the silent strength of Grey. And Dark, forged and bound into a weapon, not roaming free in the mind.

Ramble on! I think I brought up the topic of a solidified, "official" relationship too soon. It was my mistake to make, of course, but I am eager, impatient really, to share my life. I've never liked or understood how one could like being single. This is not to say that I have not been happy while being single, just never happy with being single. Even in the happiest of moments with my wonderful friends, there was always that fragment of incompleteness that came from not having that special someone, a lover. She knows my intentions. I have told her. Gently, of course, and romantically. But it is my intention to be her man. I do not seek to make her mine, but to become hers.

And I've written a lot, but my mind has been going crazy all weekend and I've not had the outlet for all this madness. And, the chemical imbalance passes with a healthy (read: massive) dose of caffiene and sugar and talking to Buttons.

No comments: