On Cowardice...

This isn't the first time someone has anonymously threatened me when I have found love, but this latest one is certainly the most direct. Last time it was more vague, all about being confronted with some past sin or another. This time...well, I'll let you see for yourselves.

"Anonymous said...

one in five americains die in a car accedent each year... I hope one of them is you."

This message was posted in the comments of my last entry. I can't abide cowardice. If you must hate me, hate me in the open. If you must curse me, be strong enough to put your name to it. I can't think of anyone, really, who would be upset that I'm actually happy, really happy for a chnge. And even those who might be inclined to think so are more articulate. So whoever you are, come out in the open with your grievances. I'm sure this is a misunderstanding we can work out. I am out to make no enemies, who has the time for trivialities. And even if you wish ti remain out of the public eye for fear of my friends retaliating for me, there are other avenues of communication. So this is what I challenge you with, anonymous. Comment here with a name, or write me at my email address. I'm pretty sure it can be found in my profile, but I'll put it out here, too. xxxx@xxxx.com. I'm not afraid of you. It'll take far more than your weak curse to harm me. And anyone who really knows me knows why.

I must not fear...

Glee!

This weekend was easily the best weekend I have had, all told, in over a year. I have found someone who will not only put up with me, but actually enjoy me for me, lumps and oddness and all. And I like her in all her her-ness. Cause that makes sense. Her name is Hannah. I actually met her at Chris' wedding, but in a more off-hand kinda way. I remembered liking her face. And her dress blues. Yes, she's in the army. The band, though. She was one of the three people from Chris' current unit at the wedding. She's a little younger than I would otherwise maybe go for. 20, still in school. But we click so well, it's easy to forget such things. Of course the fact that she's gorgeous in a very classical way doesn't hurt.

Getting back to this weekend. She came down my way from App to finally "meet" after many long nights spent talking for hours and hours. And it felt like the most natural thing I've been a part of in the longest time. It felt like she was always supposed to be there right beside me. Familiar and still new. Comfortable, but oh so very exciting. And she smells great, too. It's an interesting dynamic we have, but very rewarding. I can't describe how lucky I feel to have found an even better thing than the one I lost. It's as though every good quality that ever existed in any girl I've loved in the past has been brought together into one single person and the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. She's of French and Scot origin, and it shows. She's a music major and a musician. She can cook, and loves to do so! (she made this awesome cake thing and brought it down this weekend. Yum!) She says she can sew (but admits her sister is much better at it), her eyes are brown with tinges of hunter green growing in from the outside. She possess a very classic beauty; heavy eyelids, great hips and legs. She's into anime, science fiction, fantasy. She wants to do the renaissance festival. She's tough and toughly built. She's strong and tall. She's got soft, pale, very kissable skin. What's not to love?

And I'm not ashamed or embarassed or afraid to say that I am very much in love with Hannah Gabrielle Eckerd.

ego te amo, mea dea minima

Huh.

It seems I've found someone to accompany me in my insomnia again. It's bittersweet. That is a wound I don't know will ever heal. Not completely. There's something new, though. Different. Won't be the same. But how could it be? One step at a time, I guess. If I can stick to that. It's been a while. I'm a little impatient. That and I've got a long stride with this legs of mine. I tend to skip steps. We'll see.

My boots continue to be awesome. I need to take some pictures of them. With me in them, maybe.

My new car radio finally arrived. I could bore with the details and reasons why this is the single most awesome car stereo I have ever seen and worked with, but suffice to say that it allows an insane amount of control over the music. It pleases my audiophility...ness...ary...whatever.

In work news, the job remains the same. Most days it's alright, but ultimately, it lacks real fulfillment. There's a whole lot of potential, though. Might be worth sticking around as part time, even if I get another job. We'll see. Speaking of other jobs! We'll have nearly a dozen hookahs with us at Carnivale. It's ridiculous. I hope we sell every damn bit of equipment we're bringing. And then some. Because that'd be super. And back to Best Buy. It seems that Scott, yes that Scott is insisting that Laquinta go to some meeting thing in Charlotte and happily suggested that I take her morning shift. If I didn't want the money I'd have laughed in her face as I told her no. But I also feel a bit of loyalty and responsibility to the department. You don't look good if you don't help out. Or some such. Bleh. Hate opening.

blue-eyed boy meets a brown-eyed girl

New Boots FTW!

Man. It's been a loooong week. Long week.

I don't like funerals. They're uncomfortable. No, I'm not afraid of death. I'm not uncomfortable with the concept. It's the greiving that's uncomfortable. Everyone crying, the air is thick with the smell of grief. And, intellectually at least, I understand that. But I know my grandfather would have been trying to tell people to stop crying. Laugh, smile, it's a beautiful day outside. Go play a round of golf. I've always handled death and dying well. Maybe a little too well. It was a good service, don't get me wrong. It was a great service, really. The message and eulogy were powerful, fitting, moving. I just...don't like funerals. Too somber. People get mad if you laugh at something. Even if it's funny. Especially if it's funny. How dare you laugh! Someone is dead! Yes, and someone died just know while you told me that. Leaving this world is just another step in the grand scheme of things. There's an afterlife out there, people. And all those people there are supposed to be Christians. My Granddaddy Jim has his spot in heaven, so what is there to mourn? I will miss him. I'm not saying I won't. I'm just saying I don't mourn his passing into a better thing. Funerals. Feh. Uncomfortable

I'm also not a fan of ties. Which I wore to the funeral. Stupid tie.

Work's been nuts this week. It's been shockingly busy. Too many people. It's hard to do my job right when a customer has me trapped on the fringes, leaving a dozen or so people free to do whatever they want in the middle. On the upside, the numbers have been stupid awesome. La dee freakin' da. My boots came in yesterday, though. It took special ordering them, but I was finally able to find a pair of good tall boots. the heel on 'em gives me just the right amount of arch to actually put my weight down on more than just my heel and the ball of my foot. Wow! Pulled an eight hour day in them with little or no discomfort. If I had worn better socks, I'd be golden, but the pair I grabbed were a little more worn out than I thought they were. Garbaged!

Chris is back from his two weeks of training for his funeral honors team. He passed with almost flying colors, near perfection on all his scores. Which isn't enough for him, but was well enough for him to be qualified to train others in how to do his job. He can't train trainers, but he can train other people. And now begins the mad dash to get everything we NEED for next weekend. Carnivale! So very exciting!

And now I must go and fail to go to sleep for many hours so I can get up and open tomorrow. Ick. I'm needing a vacation.

and if the train's on time, you can get to work by nine

Unfun V-Day

So the funeral is Wednesday. Which means I get to spend Singles Awareness Day at a funeral. Fun times, fun times. At least now I don't have to worry about a date. >_>

bleh

James Poole

My grandfather passed away today, sometime around 2PM. He had a heart attack a few years back and hasn't been the same since. This past year has seen him in the hospital frequently and the last three months he's been in as much as he's been out. In a way, it's a kind of relief, at least to me. He's not sick anymore. He's not slow or tired or weak. No more worrying and fretting, "will he make this time?" "is this it?" I know he's at peace. He led a good, Christian life. He'll get his eternal reward. I'm worried about my grandmother, though. Ever since all us grand-kids grew up and moved out of town, she's been slowly edging closer and closer to breakdown. She's always been just a liiiiitle tightly wound. So, if you're inclined, please pray/think about my grandmother, Jeanne.

A little bit about my granddaddy Jim. He's not my "real" grandfather. My biological grandfather and grandmother divorced many years ago. My dad was young then. So all my life, he's been my grandfather just as much as any other. He was a good man. He loved his step-kids as much as his own and loved his grandkids. He was always quick with a joke, usually bad. He lived to see three generations of children: his and Jeanne's kids, those kids' kids, and just a year ago, my cousin Audrey's little girl. He was an independent kinda guy, which I, in retrospect at least, have to admire. He owned a little insurance company in Rockwell, where I grew up. He was a firefighter into his 60's, if I recall correctly. He was active in his church and community. He had been and alderman on the Rockwell city council a few times. He loved good food. Especially barbecue, and even more especially Darrell's (being the best tiny BQQ joint ever) barbecue. While I was never especially close to him, I wasn't especially distant either. He's always been a postive influence in my life. And the last few years I've gotten to really know him better. As a kid, there's a world of interaction you just don't have with adults/parents/grandparents. Since my late teens and on, it was always fun to talk with Jim. He had a quick wit, very punny and sarcastic at times. In a lot of ways, he was the perfect foil to my grandmother. She's always been Model American Homemaker. The house is always spotless. Everything must be just so. But she doesn't always do well with disorder. Jim, on the other hand, was much more laid back. And he was never shy about letting my grandmother know when it was time to chill a bit before she got too wrapped up in the housewifery. At least he made through one more Thankgivichristmas. I'll miss him, but I don't know that I'll mourn him. He lived a full life; he didn't pass on prematurely. He didn't die "before his time." I'll carry the things I've learned from him on in my mind and heart, pass those lessons on to those who need them.

Just look in on us from time to time, old man. Y'know, between rounds of golf. I know you always loved us, no matter what. Just keep loving us rom up there. And we'll meet up again someday.

take it easy, jimbo

Can I get a band-aid?

A lot has happened in a very short amount of time. Single's Awareness Day looms like a dark cloud, heavy with tempest and rain, on othe horizon. Oh joyous holiday. My grandfather, Jim is, again, in the hospital. This time it doesn't look like he's going to make it. A co-worker, Ken, had a heart attack earlier this week. Apparently he had a heart defect. Today, when I came to work, I was informed that he was declared brain-dead overnight and he was pulled off life support. He would have turned 21 yesterday. 21. Do you even realize howyoung that is? He was really looking forward to this weekend. Wanted to party like a fresh 21 year old should. He was really looking forward to actually being able to tend bar. He was a good kid. I'll miss having him in the department. There's a bit of a social vacuum in the house right now since Chris is gone for two weeks for training. I hate having such a small circle of friends. All it takes is three or four people otherwise engaged for an evening and my night is shot. Bleh. And to top it all off, this accursed Valentine's Day crap is stirring up old wounds. It's been 15 months since I've been with a woman I loved in any capacity. And every day I miss her presence. The late nights spent chatting online, night after night. Her sense of humor, her attitude, the way she loved me so utterly and completely. There are still moments when, in bittersweet rememberance, I am stunned into a moment of silence by the weight of just how deeply we loved each other. And like a phantom limb, there's that ache inside. Late at night, in that space between memory and dream where I can hear her voice, smell her hair, feel the weight of her pressed against me. Most days it's ok. Most days it doesn't hurt. But days like these past few, days where I would have turned to her and been comforted...

Days like these just hurt...

So maybe all I want is just a band-aid. A temporary reprieve, just something the dull the pain for a little while. I know that real treatment is what's needed, but I have no idea how long it's going to take for the real thing to come around again. My average is about three years. Right now I just wanna lose myself for a few minutes, find solice and comfort wrapped up in someone's arms for a bit. Part of me doesn't even really care who. Just someone, something warm, soft. I just need a band-aid. Maybe that band-aid turns out to be the treatment. Hell, that'd be great. But I've got realistic expectations here. I just...

need something during days like this...something simple...

just something to help me get by for a little while...

that's all...

[/end pathetic plea for attention]