Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Not so much.

Well. 3AM and insomnia strikes again. And what keeps me awake tonight, Pinky? The same thing that keeps me up any night, really: a general dissatisfaction with my life. Which is as simple and complicated as it sounds. I'm not happy, so I don't sleep well. Which means I sleep later when I finally do get to sleep. Which means I'm more awake when I should be asleep, then stay up later because of the...you get the idea. I miss having someone to talk to this late at night. I had that. For a while. It made it easier. I was still an insomniac, and things weren't as good as they could have been, but there was someone there. Someone who loved me, and I loved them. And miss her. Loneliness is part of the problem. I don't get over love very easily. It's been, what, six, seven months now? Longer, if you look at the signs. But if felt so good to be with someone who wanted me, loved me. Didn't want me to try and be something else. Someone who actually desired me, lumps and all. And it was the same for me with her. We fit. We didn't need to mold ourselves into anything just sit there and click. That's the big problem, I guess. There are other more material things, and those will take time and money to fix. And since I have less money, it'll take more time. I want to have that stuff all squared away by my 25th birthday, which I think is a very attainable goal. And while having the material things squared away will make the immaterial (and more important) things a little easier to fit, they, ultimately, mean only so much. Friday was a really good day. Friends and family having a freat time. But with Chris and Lani being off in honeymoonland, I've noticed how depressingly much I've come to rely on Chris for the socializing. It's been just Doug and me around here and, well, nothing's been going on. I've seen Doug, the pets, the TV and my computer. Excitement. It would fantastic to have Something Else to do. Someone I could call over to hang out (if the apartment didn't look like crap. I need to be less lazy), or to go out and visit or something. But of course, my case is not helped by the fact that I seem to have, just like high school, found myself surrounded by many amazing and beautiful women who have little interest in me other than friendship and/or are very happy in their current relationship. Go me. I realize I have some somewhat strict criteria. But I have a reason for that. I'm not looking for just a good time. I don't have interest in flings or one night stands. It's not about sex, it's about everything. Which isn't to say I've become some asexual being (God, no) but it's not about just getting some. If that's all I wanted, I wouldn't be writing this pile of emo. They have to at least "get" the ren-faire, if not love it. Participant is nice, since that's something we can do together, but playtron will work, too, since that means they have a love of it. An appreciation of sci-fi, fantasy, and anime would be nice. It'd be awesome if she could get into Warhammer or RPG's of some kind, but it's not a requirement. I prefer more modest attire most of the time, but I like a girl who knows how to dress enticing when the occasion arises. I like spontaneity, but not for its own sake. I like traditional gender roles. So sue me. I like it if a girl can cook and clean. No, I'm not asking you to do it for me. I prefer to do my own laundry and I like to cook. But sometimes domestic habits are good. An artistic talent would be nice; dancing, drawing, singing, painting, playing an instrument. Being around creativity inspires it from me. And I don't exercise that part of my brain enough. She should love trees and flowers and animals and mountains and beaches. I'm an earthy kinda guy. I live in a city, yes, but a very green one. I grew up around trees and yards and such. You'll note I haven't listed much, if anything, about physical appearance. I won't try to lie and say looks don't matter. Because that's bullshit. But what I find attractive, not everyone else will. I also don't have a "type" I like more than any other. I've been attracted to (and, lo, even dated some of these) tall girls, short girls, slender and curvy, short hair, long hair, blonde, redhead, brunette, (even one noted case where she was starting to grey), younger girls, older girls, blue and green and brown and grey eyes, and any of the races of man. That said, I don't find unhealthy to be attractive. Both the thin and the fat. Does that make me shallow? Maybe. But it's not sexist either. I'm not asking a girl to conform to any kind of sterotypical model. But then, a lot of women might call me a chauvinist for my views on gender roles, too. Whatever. I'm not looking to be with a woman like that anyway, so it's a rather moot point to this diatribe.

Where was I?

Oh right. My life sucking and how I was going to listen to Hawthorne Heights and cut myself.

Also: I'm too damn moody. What, am I fourteen again? What the hell? I was doing just dandy Friday and riding the buzz from that all day Saturday. Then on Sunday I felt not so awesome. And I worked Sunday. Coincidence? Maybe. But can you take that chance? Bleh. Just bleh. I wrote, so I feel better. But I really wish I could have whined all this out to someone instead of just vomiting it out here for everyone to see. And I shall promptly copy this pathetic cry for attention on my other blog type spaces. Because I'm a jackass.

And so I think I'll close with an open letter prayer and let you guys get back to not listening to a grown man whimper about.


For Christmas I would like Something Great back in my life. I'd ask for it from Santa, but that seems an unlikely thing to get from him. I've not been all that great this year, but I'm trying. I'm doing my best to repent for the things I've done, but I'm having a hard time. I want to be happier than I am. Being happier would make being better easier. And other modified comparative words. I've never been good at this asking for help thing. But I think I've gone as far as I can with this. I've had different Great Somethings in my life before, at various stages, but I always seem to screw it up somehow. I can't promise I won't screw it up again, but I'd like the chance to try. I'm a practical guy. I know I need to straighten some things out about me down here. But it would be nice to have that Something Great there to encourage and help me. I know You're always there. But sometimes it's nice for us mortals to have that warmth of a physical human there beside us. You understand, I know. You made us that way. Even if that Something Great isn't a Someone Great (though, really, that's what I'm asking), I need that Something that's missing. I don't know what it is. I have ideas, of course, but You know me better than I do. What with all that omnipotence and everything.

All I can do is ask.

Your will, not mine.


1 comment:

Lily said...

I have just sat here and read your blog. I'm feeling your pain....but I have so much to occupy my time, that I forget about it lurking there in the back of my mind.

I know this is totally random...me reading your personal thoughts...but I think you are a really cool guy, and we have alot of the same interests. If you would ever like to talk sometime...I'm usually here. You're not alone.

Somethin' Else