No Real Reason

Yay, I tweaked some colors. I might have to tweak the margins before it's all said and done. Whoo. I mean, to be fair, I've had this template since (looks up the template in the editor) I started this blog in 2004. And I like it. But monitors are a little wider in their resolution in the last six years.

Edit: Tweaked the margins a little, as well as the font-size.

stand me up at the gates of hell but i won't back down

On Unexpected Outcomes

As most of you know, I have a laundry list of issues revolving around a suspended driver's license. Today I went to court to clear up the penultimate charge, leaving me with only the charge in Guilford County between me and driving privileges.

If you ever get an itch to see what misdemeanor court looks like, don't scratch it.

Seriously.

Don't do it.

It's a long process. You'll be surrounded by people that will baffle and boggle you. I was the only defendant in a tie. The. Only. One. Most people had jeans and t-shirts on. In a courtroom. A. COURTROOM. WHAT THE HECK. And some of the attitudes that some of these people had blew my mind. Back-talking the judge, or refusing to speak in a voice above a mumble. I don't understand people. Or the girl who had three DUIs in the space of a few months. I get that a courthouse might not be the best place to see the best society has to offer, but not just the dregs get involved in things like the charges some of these people were up for. I'm not a dreg of society. I just didn't make very wise decisions for a few years. I shake my head.

But despite a very...stressful start to my morning and a three hour wait, I got my charge resolved. With a Prayer for Judgement Continued. For those not in the know, that's as close to a dismissal as you can get without, y'know, getting the case dismissed. Granted, if I get into any more legal trouble, I get slapped with the charge and following sentence. But if I stay clean? It's a lack of conviction. Awesome. I hadn't even considered a PJC as a possibility.

Here is where I need to talk up my lawyer, Mr. Todd Paris. He managed to get me in as a write in on the docket today. When the initial feeling I was given was an October or November court date. When we went up to the tables before the judge, he explained that I was working to resolve these old issues, how I was working up through them in order and the DA, without prompting or request, offered the Prayer for Judgement Continued. We were thinking it would end up being plead out to Failure to Notify DMV of an Address Change. Which is a non-moving violation and okay in my book. A PJC, though, is far better than I had hoped.

And despite RCCC grasping my check like a wizened old miser, I'll be able to hire an attorney in Guilford County and maybe get this all behind me very soon. At least, I hope so.

goodbye, ruby tuesday

Fall, Official

Happy Birthday to my brother, Jerod! How's that "responsible adult" thing going so far? Heh.

Classes plod along. I continue to be frustrated by the general tendency of Lowest Common Denominator found at RCCC. It's awful and elitist of me, I know. And there are bright students to be found. But they are not my intellectual peers. Mostly because most of the bright kids here are, well, kids. Sadly, that's mostly my fault. If I'd have stuck in school, I'd have had more people my own age that can keep up with me intellectually. But I do well enough. I never thought I'd miss the "halcyon" days of East Rowan High School. Feh. Old man is old.

My Eldar Army, it is built and painted. It looks pretty good! But I'm not sure what color or style I want to use for the bases. They're currently painted green, awaiting green flock. But I've been pondering a wasteland or snow/frostscape. I'll flip a coin or something later. John's getting a Tau army! Soon, I'll have an army to face up against! A new army! Eldar v. Tau. Squishy v. Squishy. Unless I want to break out spess mahreens v. Tau. Hammer v. Squishy!!!

I've finally gotten off my lazy ass and started exercising again. Man. I got out of shape bad. I was crazy heavy and sluggish. Gotta fix that. Once again I face the paradox of my left (read: NOT busted) leg being the one that cramps up on the tibial anterior, not my busted-to-hell right leg. It boggles the mind! But it feels good to get out there. I hope I have enough money in my financial aid refund to rejoin the YMCA or another gym with a better price. But the Y is closer. We shall see. I'll be exercising no matter what, but the elliptical machine is easier on my knee.

And good things coming next week. Although I want to punch the anthropomorphic representation of RCCC in the face until dollar coins pop out of its nose. Holding my financial aid ransom until next week! When they will MAIL it!!! ARGH!!!

boy, you're gonna carry that weight

Summer? Where?

Holy crap. It's September. What. The heck. Well, one more semester, and it's a busy one. And it's almost done with the summer, though in practice, my summer is done. And I'm trying an affectation of wardrobe. Because I'm getting old. At home, t-shirts are fine, but I noticed in one of my classes last week that I felt...kinda like I was running around in undies by being in class in just shorts and a t-shirt. So I'm making an effort to use my button-up shirts and polo shirts if I'm going to be going out. Relaxing or doing any work at home, or on weekends, t-shirts are still fine to use. I have some awesome, geeky t-shirts! But my public image is one I'm trying to adultify a bit. I'm still running around untucked these days, but I blame the heat. And my gut. Ha. Most of my polos are just a smidge short for my torso, but I'm shifting from youth-casual to adult-casual.

I like the Art of Manliness and a lot of what it advises (I have a straight razor. It is awesome.), but shirt and tie every day? Yeah. No. I've never been a fan of ties (little nooses!). And if my plan stays on track, I'll be in a suit and tie most days a week anyway (Funeral Honors teams wear dress blues and Class A greens. That's a suit and tie. And hat. All of which have to look immaculate. Argh.) So I'm enjoying the freedom to look a little like a slacker while I still can. Besides, jeans, boots, and an untucked button-up shirt is a good look on me.

In less adult news, my Eldar are just about done. I have one last squad to paint and all the minis I have will be done. And they look pretty good! Not 'Eavy Metal team good, but a lot better than a lot of miniatures I've seen in the last 10 years. My technique has improved a whole lot. And as soon as these space elves are finished, I've got to finish up the changes I've made to my Dark Angels following my acquisition of their latest codex. And I'm already planning other, future armies. I really want the Dark Eldar to get a new codex and figs. They've been using the same models and rules since 1998! But I need to get some playing time in with the armies I have first. Heh.

Also: When will the Final Fantasy XIV Open Beta be back up! DO WANT!!!

summer, summer, summer-time!

Whoa, hey. Where was I?

Dangit. I was almost doing good about regular updates. Ah well, no time like the present.

I went to my first Con last week and had a blast! It was Origins Game Fair on Columbus, Ohio. Columbus? Yes. Columbus. In the far off north where they have neither Cheerwine nor free refills. It was a barbaric place, truly. But the Con was awesome. Geek Chic was there with their AMAZING assortment of gaming furniture. I'd never seen their wares up close. It's one thing to imagine it, it's another to actually sit down at one and run your hands over the finished wood. Oh, how we wants it, precious. I didn't get to see as much of the con as I would have liked, but I was working. It was a trade-off, but not a poor one. I got to meet some really cool people. Without trying, even, I got to know a few nice girls. It's been a really long time since anyone, much less random, if cute, stranger girl commented on and played with my hair. It's an off-switch for me. Ha. Aside from that, I spent many an hour at the Beer Haus in the Convention Center talking about all manner of things with the guys and gals I met there. I have been bit by the Con bug. I must attend more. Must!

I heard back from NCSU (finally) yesterday. And not in a positive. They evaluated my application without my AP credits. Something's up there. And my GPA wasn't what it should have been, either. I guess they were counting non-transferring credits, which makes even less sense. I'm going to call them up bright and early Tuesday, see what's what. If need be, I can scrape up another semester of credits from RCCC, but it's going to be a stretch to get full-time. And I'd rather not do that if I can help it. We'll see.

I'll also be hearing back from a lawyer on Tuesday. I called the DMV this past week and according to them, I need to take care of a thing in Guilford County, pay my restoration fee and boom, I'm driving again. Driving, man. God-willing, it will be a straight-forward issue. Expensive, I can deal with, somehow. Being able to drive will make it a lot easier to get a job/school/life. Way easier. And I have missed my car!

My summer coursework plods along as it will. It's a little bit of a struggle to stay on top of the work, but the more I do now, the less I have to do later. Who knows, maybe I'll bump forward my enlistment plan to this winter instead of the summer upcoming. We'll have to see.

It also seems like this is the year for breakups. Or at least a season for it. Wes and Jenny, Tig and Whatshisface. Mr. and Ms. Cook, friends of the family. I've been helping him out around his place getting some things packed up. I wish I had more to say to him, but I just have my actions. God nudged me to help him, so I am. Even if I can't find the words, I know just my being there has helped. While I wish there was more I could do, I'll do what I can.

Besides, everyone else is just following a trend. I was going through awful break ups before it was cool. So nyeh. ;)

I think I can afford a YMCA membership, again. Hmm....

the rising of the milky way

Still a More Glorious Dawn Awaits...

It's been an educational year. Most of which I've gone into. But I'm a couple of weeks into the summer semester. I'm taking three classes to clear out some more of the general education requirements. And while I miss the interactions offered by a physical classroom setting, the online classes offer a lot of freedom to work ahead. And I like being able to do classwork whenever I want.

I had another good weekend (and change) in Raleigh. Got Amaris and Nicole moved out and in with relative easy and lack of headache. But that was what I was going for. Strong like ox, smart like cart. Moving is much more enjoyable when you turn your brain off. I had a couple of moments, though, that further emphasized the fact that Raleigh is really where I ought to be. Not everything there is comfortable. And that's something I need, I think. It's too easy to be complacent in the comfortable (and bad) habits I developed here in Salisbury. This is not the fault of where I grew up, far from it. But this room, this place carries the shades of my past mistakes.

I'm still not 100% sure how I feel about Vintage21. It's the church Jerod and Daniela attend, along with several new friends I've made. It's a very...contemporary service. Some things I like, some things I don't. But God doesn't fail to speak to me, regardless. Every time I've gone there's been one song that spoke to my current mindset, stirred me. I don't raise my hands to heaven in praise very often. And yet...

I miss stained glass. I miss the feeling of Sanctuary that I feel in old churches. Some of those old chapels are painted with the flavor and security of decades and generations of praise and devotion to God. That's something Vintage hasn't had the chance to develop. But perhaps I've spent too much time in that safety. I think there are things I can do there to help bring that feeling to generations to come. Even if they are very much Baptist flavored. I'm kidding! Christians are Christians, denominations are just different flavors of the same body of Christ.

I had more than one "Ah-ha. So that's what's going on." moments while I was up there. Rarely are such moments pleasant, but they always teach. Hints, observations, intimations primarily. I've had no chance to verify, but ultimately, I don't need to. Normally, I hate not knowing for sure. I'd rather face pain for the surety of knowledge than live in a sort of Schrodinger's social situation, being and not being what it appears to be, both at the same time.

But this time, I'm stepping back from the situation. It's not my usual preference or tactic. I'd much rather, these days, confront the situation, face it. Too much energy was wasted in the past few years in avoiding confrontations. But I'm trying to relearn patience. Patience with others, sure, but more importantly, patience with myself. I know that I have the potential for great patience and understanding, but not always when I'm waiting for something to start. There are some things I don't comprehend why I have to wait in many circumstances. I am advised to wait, yes, but no one can provide any real logical reasons. It's something I struggle with. I can understand how the martyrs in Revelations feel when they are told "It is not your time." I want it to be my time.

I want to do so much more self-improvement this summer. I'm looking forward to the fall, especially the next season of CRF. I keep saying that this year or that year will be my breakout season. This one likely won't be "break out" but it'll be vastly different from last year. I'm far stronger than I was before.

Another "Ah-ha." was related to how much I eat. My hosts eat a lot less than I do. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Steve, Jerod, Daniela, these are smaller people. I imagine with enough time, I could eventually get used to the, for me, drastically reduced caloric intake. But I did feel hungry much of my trip. However, it did make me re-examine how much I eat when I'm at home. I eat waaaaay too much. Not that I didn't know my tendency to overeat, but the comparison was a little stark. The range of comparison went from just a smidge shy of enough in Raleigh to almost twice what I need here. So I've been consciously shifting the amount I eat. And plugging as much leafy/fresh veggies and such in my diet as I can. I was told it looked like I was losing weight last night at a friend's party. I can really only attribute that to eating as little as I did while I was out of town. I need to keep up that trend.

I wish I knew some of what lay ahead of me. I know that God has good things planned for me in Raleigh. What those good things will turn out to be, I don't know. In some ways I don't want to know, at least not entirely. But some of the general ideas would be nice. I like to be prepared. That Boy Scout training doesn't die easy. I try not to think too much. Jonah thought too much. He knew the dangers that lay ahead for him. He was afraid. The potential to be called to martyrdom exists for any of us who follow Christ. And that's a scary fucking thought. It's not that I think I wouldn't be able to face it. I have strength. I have it because God gave it to me. But, seriously, who wants to be a martyr? Who wants to face that trial? Fanatics, zealots, madmen. I digress, though. I don't believe for a second that's what's ahead of me in Raleigh. But it's a measure of how much too much I think. My God given intellect is often at odds with Faith. My mind, curious, powerful, analyzing, logical, and creative as it can be is hard to quiet in the face of the unknown. I want to learn, discover, analyze and break down the unknown until it is known. But data is withheld. So I must await whatever will come.

So I try to find peace in the emptiness of the unknown. There's a lot of quiet in the lack of data. I will try to find the means of making the uncomfortable my own. It is a skin that is a size too small. I must shed the excesses of myself to fit it.

It should be an interesting summer.

not a sunrise, but a galaxy-rise

Ironic Posting is Ironic.

It's ironic because this will be the 411th post on this blog and it's inspired by communication and information. Oh, my life is so deep.

This won't be long. It's 3AM and I have a Spanish exam in eight hours. It shouldn't amaze me as much as it does that my spirit, my mood is lifted so much just from hearing from a friend or loved one that I haven't talked to in a while. It's not like this is a new phenomenon for me. But I always manage to forget. At least this way it's always a pleasant surprise when it happens, yes?

My baby sister (I shouldn't think of her that way anymore, but bear with this old[ish] man for a bit) graduated from UNC-Chapel Hill this weekend. John Grisham gave the commencement address and did a right good job of it. Chase and I came to Raleigh the day before (Saturday), caught Iron Man 2 with Jerod (it was wicked awesome) and then grilled some very tasty burgers. Every time I come up/out/east, it gets a little harder to come back to Salisbury. I love my hometown, but there's a lot of potential for a lot of awesome in [Insert Local Colloquialism for Raleigh here]. To conclude, I'm very proud of my sister. Go, Jenna, go!

Exams are almost done. You have no idea how much this pleases me. But of course, Spanish would be hanging around to be the last to leave. Like that annoying party guest you don't remember inviting that tries to hijack the event and then lingers around trying to corner you about one thing or another. Oh well.

My iPod is borked but good. This is an irritant. I don't have portable music. Further evidence of a need for income. But I've been putting applications out there. My fingers are crossed.

I think I'm supposed to be angry and venty about something else, right? Hmm. Nah. My ADD kicked in. I'm bored with angry. I think I'll just go read some Dresden files instead of studying.

Screw the snippet. Just listen to this song.

Is It Over Yet?

So it turns out that while a significant improvement overall has been achieved, 2010 has not (yet) turned into the super banner year I was hoping for. Too many meh or utter crap years for me.

I am ready for this semester to be over and done with. One more class of Spanish, then exams. And, just as last semester, my exams on the last possible days and times for them to be held. I understand there's a whole week set aside for exams, at least academically. This whole week's worth of days to be examined just doesn't seem to apply to me. At least the classes haven't been difficult. I think that, again, I'll make Dean's List. But, perhaps tellingly, I'm not as concerned or excited at the prospect this semester like I was last semester.

My applications and paperwork are in for NCSU and UNCG. Both options even out on the pros/cons scale, really, so if I get accepted to both, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Flip a coin? In any case, I'm ready to not be at RCCC and in Mom's basement anymore. I've peaked here. I had to, essentially, start back from the beginning in a lot of ways over the course of the past year or so, and I've built back up to near where I left off. And what I need to continue forward, versus pushing against the wall, is to get up and out of here and somewhere else.

I can recognize symptoms that looks suspiciously like depression of one kind or another settling in. I have not been diagnosed with clinical or manic depression. I don't claim it or wield it as an excuse. But I do acknowledge the symptoms and the familial and genetic predisposition. I know that if it weren't for the good things I have, little or big, I'd be in worse shape. I'm actually going to finish two semesters in a row. That's, sadly, something of an accomplishment for me. My Wednesdays have been pretty consistently good: dinner with my Grandmommie Poole, choir practice, game night. I've gotten back into Warhammer 40K, which has creative and artistic elements. It's been especially helpful that a train to Raleigh is pretty inexpensive and I can go up, hang out with Jerod and get some games in. His bugs have been winning consistently, but I'm learning new rules. Oh, how I miss Stubborn. I have felt God around. I can't think of a time when I haven't, mind, but I know He's trying to encourage patience in me. And I'm trying, I really am, to be patient, to Listen.

But waiting for something to start is not something I do very well. I hate sitting and doing nothing, just spinning my wheels. Once I'm involved in something, I have a seemingly endless supply of patience and understanding. I feel like I've been spinning my wheels for near a year in some regards. I think I'm ready for what's out there, but what's out there, it seems, isn't ready for me. There's information out there that I should know. But it's withheld from me, intentionally or accidentally. Communication failures, lack of trust. Too many replays of the same scene with varying degrees of intensity, but the same essential script, even if some of the players change. It's frustrating. Damn the material, damn the corporeal.

I'm a good guy. I've got flaws, but I try to be upfront about them. I refuse to act like I don't want what I want because someone, somewhere decided that was the way to get what you want. And I refuse to not go after what I want out of life to fit some stupid, arbitrary, and painfully mutable rules. I sort of understand why the rules get changed out from under my feet. If you need something, tell me what it is you need, plainly. Don't get mad if what you said to me was open to interpretation. Subtle clues will be willfully ignored. I don't give a rat's ass about airs of mystery. I'm not going to lose interest or attraction just because I've cracked the mystery. There's a lifetime's worth of discovery two people can share without "mystery" between them. Mystery is way too close to misery. Don't coddle my ego, tell me plainly. Simple, clear honesty is going to hurt me far, far less than attempting to spare my feelings.

And for the love of God, when did "let's just be friends" turn into not talking to someone at all?

It's been a year or more since I've known what a good night's rest felt like and I'm kinda tired of it. I don't think the situation is going to change any time soon, frustratingly enough, but I'm more than a little ready for it to, in my mind, in my heart, and in my soul. I'm dreaming more in the last few months than I have in the entire decade before. It's throwing me off, making my sleep even less restful. It keeps my up because I'm dreaming about someone I don't want to dream about. I don't want to think about her. It hurts to watch her life spiral more and more out of control, to see her push people away, consciously or unconsciously. I know it's not my place any more to be there. But despite everything, I haven't stopped caring. I haven't stopped wanting good things for her. She's got to be hurting hard and deep somewhere. I can only imagine that it might have been something like how she or others felt about me last summer. My recovery was slower, perhaps, but it was, it is real.

I've spent way too much time and effort in the last year rebuilding who I am from the ground up to tolerate the low moods and impatience and ennui I'm struggling with now. It's doubly frustrating because I should be in better spirits, and I know it. I have too much that is good in my life to be this down, but I am nonetheless. And I certainly don't want to seem ungrateful to anyone.

Mom, Randy, Grandmommie, John, Hugh, KC, Chris, all of you who have helped hold me up. I am thankful. I will remember the kindnesses you have shown me and some day I will pay back or pay forward.

In twelve days, the Ides of May will be upon us, and I will be 28. Ten years ago, I was getting ready to graduate from high school, and I was working hard to push my grades up enough to be an Honors Graduate, despite being, well, me. I was looking forward to prom with a bunch of great friends. I couldn't imagine what ten years in the future would look like. There was so much I didn't know and, looking back, I was much, much happier not knowing. I wonder what Justin-That-Was would think of Justin-That-Is. Likely not much. I didn't think much of a lot of people older than me, but there were a few. Justin-That-Was couldn't even fathom the concept of dropping out or doing poorly at college, that much I remember. The very idea that I would be back in my mom's basement trying to finish up my sophomore year at college ten years after graduating high school would have been laughable. And it's still something I feel at least a little bit of shame over. Despite a seeming wealth of experience with it, failure isn't something I've ever really been able to take well.

But you know what? My people are a long-lived people. We are healthy, we are strong, we are smart, and we are, eventually, wise. If I were to meet Justin-That-Was, I'd have sat his ass right down in his place, with fists if necessary. For my people are a stubborn people, too. It's pointless to speculate on what might have been. The world has been kicking my ass for the last ten years, and no small part of that was because I let it. Sometimes because I just didn't want to fight, whether from pacifism or apathy or whatever. Sometimes I fought harder than I should have been able to and still lost. Sometimes I just walked away from the fight and gave up before it started. Ten years of losing, ten years of failures, ten years of little to show for my journey, these things have taught me many hard lessons. They have strengthened me in ways that success never can. We are a stubborn people. I reject many of the "rules." Pointless, obfuscating, obstructive, and unproductive are these that I deny.

I will not act like I do not want what I want.
I will pursue that which I want.
I will do so with honesty and without apology.
I will be as direct as I can as often as I can.
I will say what I mean and I will mean what I say.

In two years' time, these are the goals I am striving to accomplish: I will graduate with a BA in History. If this means I have to load up on summer classes or get approval for over-booked semesters, then I will do so. Next summer, I will be in the legal and physical condition required to enlist in the Army National Guard. I will graduate, I will get my commission. In another ten years time I want to look back with my officer's rank and pay, with my PhD and say to myself "Well played, Justin. Well played."

And God help anyone who gets in my way.

damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead

Spanish II Project, Part II

To conclude the project, I write this entry.

Since the last time I wrote I've had occasion to spend some more time with Dunkan and at his shop. While there, I also got to know some of the friends and family that help out around his store. In one visit that sticks out in particular, I learned the Cuban way to play dominoes with Frankie. Frankie makes the most fantastic Cuban coffee I have ever tasted. And on top of that, I got to a little more practice in with some basic Spanish, numbers mostly, but it was fun.

I am further impressed by Dunkan's devotion to his family, be they close, extended, or unofficial. His cousin introduced him to Salisbury and has been helping him remodel his new storefront. He dreams of being successful enough to move his mother up this way and provide a large enough house for her, himself, and all his family. He has spent time helping tutor Latin-Americans in English, helping them acclimate to the culture here in the States and here in Salisbury.

All told, I think Dunkan is living the classic American dream. Being successful, experiencing and embracing new cultures while maintaining a love and devotion to your roots and your family. He is a gregarious host and optimistic businessman. He blends the charm and hospitality of his roots with the drive and ambition of American entrepreneurial spirit. So much so that it's been difficult to catch him for more interviews! He's been very busy preparing his new location, which opens on the 25th.

It's been fun getting to know Dunkan and I look forward to hanging out with him again soon at the new store.

The Echevarria Interviews (Part 1)

So there's this project in my Elementary Spanish II class. We're supposed to visit and interview a native Spanish speaker. We're supposed to talk to them about many a wide variety of topics. I'm pretty sure I picked a good choice. This is just the first entry, but it should be a substantial one.

Dunkan Echavarria owns and runs a cigar bar in downtown Salisbury called Havana Knights. This is where I first met him. I enjoy the occasional cigar, and I was excited to see a place open up locally that sold them. As soon as I walked into the door, I was met and welcomed. The place is overflowing with enthusiasm and hospitality. But I'm not here to review the store.

Dunkan's parents came to America in the late 1960's as part of the Freedom Flights. He was born in Miami in 1971 and was raised in Little Havana. Most of his life was spent in Miami and for many years he owned an interior design company specializing is top to bottom refinishing of houses to be resold in a short period of time. As the coming collapse of the housing market reared its ugly head, he started looking for a new line of work. He had family in this area and came to visit a cousin over New Year's in 2008/2009. He felt that Salisbury had a lot of potential and saw an opportunity to take advantage of the central location in the state. He opened up Havana Knights in 2009. In talking with him, he never fails to mention his family. He is enthusiastic about hard work and hospitality. He interacts with his customers, befriends them. He has very successfully created an atmosphere where people from all walks of live can come in, enjoy a smoke and talk. In the times I've come in I've gotten to know some of his regulars: an attorney, a college professor or two, a bartender, a housewife, students. Much has been made of Hispanic hospitality (there's that word again) and if there was anything in my experience that has proved it, Dunkan's shop is it. And it must be working, since he is planning to move to a much larger location and foresees the opportunity to open up more locations in the near future.

I've tried to speak a little Spanish with him from time to time, but my aural skills aren't fully up to speed. But he's a pretty understanding guy. He recommends lifestyle magazines to anyone trying to learn a foreign language. He highlighted the relatively simple language and the inclusion of slang and turns of phrase as key reasons to use them to help fully comprehend a language. Made sense to me.

This is just a brief summation of several hours of conversation. I'll have plenty more to talk about next time.

Resolute

It's that time of year again. When the vast most of us make a list of things to do we'll keep up with for a month or two then abandon. It is my hope to maintain or achieve most of these resolutions. As such, I ask all of my friends to help me, and I will help as I can.

Health and Fitness.
Drop to 225 or lose the belly fat, whichever comes first.
Continue to eat more salads, fruits, and vegetables.
Improve my cardiovascular fitness and see about entering the Bear.

Style and Appearance.
Get a three piece suit.
Get a good hat.
Get a vest or three I can wear with anything.
Grow my hair out long enough to pull back.
Attempt a respectable beard.
Get a safety razor and kit, if not a straight razor.

Work, School, Play.
Get my driving situation fixed.
Maintain a 3.5 GPA or better.
Transfer to UNCG.
Move back to Greensboro, in a dorm if need be.
Get a good TV and an Xbox360.
Find work on campus, if possible.
Write more letters.
Draw more sketches.
Sing every day.
Live, love, dare.
Help others improve as I improve.

Not a bad list, I think. Some I can work and check off, the others are lifelong ideas. I want to be able to look back at this post in May and check a lot of those off. I want to look back in December and say that I did all those twice over and more.

dare! dare to keep all your dreams alive

2010

So already this year has beaten last year in per capita awesome. But my net awesome for last year was way, way low. Gross Awesome was actually looking really damn strong in the first half of the year, but, well, not so much in the 3rd and 4th quarters 2009.

2009 in Review (abridged):
Had a decent job, then lost it.
Joined the choir at St. James Lutheran.
One good Carnevale (and really good night before).
Several good trips to Boone.
Butt-ass ugly breakup taking most of the year to die. Not a little bit my own fault.
One suck-ass birthday.
Joined the congregation of St. Jame Lutheran (I'm awesome and backwards like that).
One suck-ass Carnevale.
One middling CRF season.
I made Dean's List! Shy of President's List (4.0) by one class (3 A's, 1 B).
One interesting lesson in quiet victory at an AKA gig.
Got voted on to St. James' Congregation Council.
One awesome Christmas.

2010 so far:
No bonfire.
Fireworks!
Firefly and Serenity!
Adventure! the roleplaying game!

All in the space of two days, even! And there's much more potential for awesome. But these things I dare not speak of too much. Not yet. But my semester upcoming is looking good. I have the last two classes I need to retake scheduled and ready. When I transfer in the fall, I will be doing so with what should be a really good GPA. I'm excited! And I get to attend my first meeting as an active member of the Congregation Council next Sunday. 2010 is looking good for me. Really good.

So f*#$ you, 2009.

i want to exorcise the demons of your past

Links re: Twilight via Ebo

For those who love or hate Twilight, allow me to light the flames of intarweebs combat with these two links!

http://kar3ning.livejournal.com/545639.html

http://www.wired.com/underwire/2009/11/twilight-lessons-girls-learn/

Read! And may the light of true knowledge save you from fangirls!

the psychotic bastard religion

God has a sense of humor. (No. Really.)

So it's no secret that I have not been handling the last six months or so very well. It came to a peak recently and I've had a chance to look at the mess I've made around myself and I've come to the conclusion that I am well and truly tired of all this bullshit. I don't know how well I'll be able to maintain this attitude (I've tried it before, but couldn't hang on to it) but I, despite anyone's evidence to the contrary, have some insane willpower. When I choose to use it. So let's use it.

There's a lot of old letters and pictures I'm going to have to do something with. I don't know what, yet. I'm sentimental. Sometimes too sentimental, but there it is. And of course, I come to these conclusions to do something and the weather turns wet, cold, dreary. See? God does have a sense of humor. And also a sense of irony and cliche. At least, He does with me. Because I have a similar dry, biting sense of humor, irony, and cliche. Har har, tee hee. I'd be mad if I didn't appreciate the sentiment. I don't want to do anything at all with the letters and the pictures, but I can't operate under the illusion that what I want is going to ever happen. At least not until I want something else. Then that something else might have a chance, but what was will never be again, no matter how much I want it. I've stalled and procrastinated, because it's going to suck dealing with it. I know it and so I've tried to avoid it. I can't.

I can't be her friend. I can't ever be her friend. I tried. I hoped that maybe I would be ok with just being a friend for a little while, maybe somehow show her we could work out again, the newer versions of each of us coming from better places. But that's delusion. It's hope blinding me, and false hope at that. I don't need that false hope, but anytime she says anything to me, no matter how loud my rational brain says it means nothing, my heart leaps from my chest into my throat and screams out it's hope to drown out any other noise or sound. So I can't be her friend. I can't be her anything. Two more weekends of faire to get through and then she doesn't have to see me or communicate with me. I don't have to see her or communicate with her. I promised I'd never give up. And I can't keep that promise. God help me, but I hope it's the last one I have to break.

So I quit. I give up. I surrender. I'm done.

For now, I go to class, I workout, I keep my grades up. I sing when I can. The rest of the time? I close my ears to the world, turn on some music, crank the volume up insanely high and drown out the cries of my heart with something else.

Turn it to 11.

Power levels to maximum.

I will raise my voice to the Lord. I will sing the New Song.

they will not force us/they will stop degrading us/they will not control us/we will be victorious
(come on)

I Can't Think of a Title: The Blog Entry

See? That was almost clever. I thought I'd pop in and update. I'd been meaning to. Still exercising. But the shin splints kept appearing on the right leg. So I've switched over the elliptical for the time being. It works the muscles and doesn't have any of the impact. Huzzah! I think I'm narrowed the problem down to a combination of worn out shoes and needing more strength in the legs. Not more size, though. Jesus knows my legs are big enough. I need to get my upper body a little more filled out first. Which I've been doing! The last couple of weeks I've tried to add in some upper body workout on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. No real visible progress, but it's the working out that's the important part. No real weight loss, so I'm still around 250. But I haven't been eating as healthy as I'd like and I haven't been working out as much or as hard as I should. A symptom of the 3-5 miles a day I walk at faire, I guess.

I'm fighting complacency and boredom in my classes again. I just took a Spanish test I think I might get a B on. At best. This bothers me. I'm better than this. Just easily distracted and easily made bored. Darn ADD and lack of challenge. The only real challenge I've had this semester was the 7-10 page research paper, but that's already in. I think I did a pretty good job, but time will tell.

Only three more weekends of faire. And this is the first time I can remember being more than a little ready for the season to be over. But it's more social pressures and the like than anything else. But this weekend, at least, shouldn't be problematic. It's Celtic Jam weekend! One more weekend of kiltage, and then it's the pants. Maria fixed my Significantly Snug Pants! Though they are not as significantly snug as they once were. That is the price I pay, I suppose, for trimming down like I have. Oh well.

fiat amor et pereat mundus

Progress. Of a sort.

So I must be doing something right in the exercising. I haven't had any issues with the muscles of either leg of late. But now it's the shin splints. So now I've got to work on other things like stride, muscle strengthening, etc. And I probably need new shoes. My current shoes cause my feet to roll too much to the outside of my foot. It twists the leg and probably contributes to the shin splints. So I've had to switch off the Couch-to-5K program and back to machines. But the elliptical, I think is going to be my new machine. Managed to keep something close to my best mile pace of about 12:30 with no stress on my bum leg. I can be ok with that for now.

I've made to down to about 250 now. From a starting point of 270-274 in the first week in September. Not too bad, but I'd like a little more progress. 250 is my big hurdle. But! I went from barely being able to fit into my kilt to it being too big. I have to strap the buckles down as far as they will go or the kilt will slip down. Crazy! But my Significantly Snug Pants should be refitted and ready to go by this next weekend. I'm excited!

School is still going well enough. I've got most of my classes down for next semester. I just need to get someone to say I can retake the physics class I took a few years ago. I took it before, so I should be able to retake it. Yay bureaucracy.

upon us all a little rain must fall

October, So Far.

So it's been awhile since my last post. I've been busy and, frankly, not in much a mood to spill forth my rantings online. At least, not published or public. I have no idea how my weight loss is going. It's likely slow, but I haven't weighed myself in almost two weeks. Last weigh in was at 256. Not bad, really. I'll probably break down and weigh in again on Monday. But I'm just going to try and go over the last couple of weeks.

Couch-to-5K: An excellent program. Unfortunately halfway through week 2 I decided I wanted to catch a fever. So the running program and workouts have been on hold. Not great for the metabolism, but I've been eating waaaay healthier lately. And in smaller portions. I still eat when sick, but I was just too tired and sore and fevered to be physically capable of the actions of consuming food for long.

Fever, Part 1 and 2: Last Tuesday late I started to feel flushed and achy. By bedtime I was full-on flu-like symptoms. Bed rest all day Wednesday (Missed a Spanish quiz! Argh!) and most of Thursday. I try to pick up a run Thursday after feeling much better. Class and Phil's on Friday, opening (sweltering, miserable) day on Saturday. Sunday morning, I wake up with another fever. This one accompanied by MORE ache and a scratchy breathing coughing thing. But I was feeling better by bedtime and another day of bedrest Monday and I am feeling right as rain today.

Ren-Faire, Student Days: So far, it's not really all that different from any other year, at least logistically. I hate not having Kyle around, but he's at AIT. He's excused. They also finally saddled the Guard with a radio. Fie! I'll let Chris have it as much as I can, but this weekend I'll have no choice. Fie, I say! I get to do Student Days this year. Which is kinda fun, really, but I'd rather have been able to find a job to go to instead. Oh well. Tomorrow promises to be nice and cold! I'm excited!

Other: There are at least a handful of things this year that are not like last year. Namely that Hannah and I are not together. It's...still hard. Everyone says I'm doing a good job of it, though, so I must be doing something right. I feel transparent, but I guess I'm not. Today at the first Student Day I actually managed to have actual conversations that seemed to lack awkwardness. Hannah, John, KC, and I all hung out afterwards for a late lunch/early dinner. I rode with Hannah. Seemingly, nothing terrible happened. I'm not entirely sure how. The real me was inside my head yelling a thousand things I want to say, but I plodded along with another conversation. I see her looking spiffy and gorgeous as she always does in garb and I want to reach out and wrap my arms around her. I'm not sure exactly how it is that I don't. It's like some autopilot setting I'm unaware of. I'm trying very, very hard to "man up" and "get over it" and "put on the big girl panties" or what the fuck ever. I guess I am doing those things, but I don't know what it is that I'm doing or how I'm doing it. Seeing her and hearing her and not being with her still hurts just as much as it has since May. I guess I can just hide it better now. I don't know as that's a good thing. It's just not the same, playing Capt. Grey this year. I really enjoyed playing at the life long soldier-romantic wooing the Lady Gabrielle, Comtesse du Normandy. I really want to again. I still miss her very much. I miss my friend. I miss my confidant. I miss my partner. I miss my lover-soon-wife.

But I go on. Each day I get up. If I don't make it out of bed, it's not because of depression, though the temptation is strong every morning to just stay in bed. I don't do as good a job of not complaining as I like. But at the same time I know burying the emotions would only make it worse. I'm not trying to make a spectacle of my suffering for sympathy. At the same time, I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not making any special effort to hide. I hurt. I don't want to thrust it in your face, and forgive me if I do. But if you ask me how I am, I will answer honestly. I stay up far too late at night. I avoid getting into my bed, because I remember what it felt like to go to sleep with her curled up against my back and I remember what it felt like to wake up curled around her. Eventually I have to sleep. And I do. I take care of myself. I bathe. I eat, and as healthy as I can. I take my multivitamin, I drink my V8. I still plan to keep working out. I go to class. I do my homework, I study. I'm actually in deep on a research paper for my Western Civilisation class. I'm not...necessarily sure why but I keep doing them. Somewhere, academically, I know these things are good for me, but I don't feel it. I'm going through the motions because I feel like I should, not because I really want to. Maybe someday I'll remember the reason why or find a new one. For now I just find that I keep getting up every day. I keep doing what I'm "supposed" to do. Sometimes I hear the alarm and think "God, I just want to stay here." and by the time I've finished that thought I'm already halfway done with my shower.

I'm definitely not as happy as I'd like to be. I'm more poetic, maybe. I've written more poetry, real poems not the silly haiku I cobble together, than I have in years. But that's just an outlet for the hurt. I'd much rather not have the inspiration. It is what it is. I strive for Stoicism. I try to not be controlled by my anguishes. I don't succeed nearly enough. But I keep on. I have said many times, some times tear-streaked and cracked of voice, that I would much rather spend a lifetime trying and failing and trying and failing and trying than to ever just give up. I've done a lot of really dumb things in the last 5 months or so. Mostly because of the hurt. I hurt and I get angry because of the pain. I act out of anger and lash out, either to harm whatever is closest or to reach out for some kind of relief. This is never a good thing or a smart thing to do. It is what I have done, nonetheless. I have no idea how to handle the kind of situation I'm in. Some part of me seems to, but it's not being very communicative. It's just doing. Often letting me sit near-catatonic in the passenger seat.

I'm venting. I promise I'm not going to stop living any time soon, so long as I have a say in the matter. I am enjoying Ren-Faire. I do enjoy (usually) my classes. I even enjoy working out. Even running, to some extent or another. But these are little joys, shallow. They are just barely enough for now, but I guess that's all I can get in the for now. I would rather be sharing these little joys and magnify them thusly into great joys. I would much rather be sharing these little joys with Hannah, bringing them into even higher greatness. I still hold out hope that it's possible. Someday. Maybe even soon. I can't help but to do so. I still love her. I can't walk away from that kind of love without exhausting all available options. For so many people it is sex first, then, if things line up, maybe a relationship. I find this backwards to the point of baffling. I can't fathom how it could possibly work. I see that it "works" for so very many people, many people I know and am close to. But the logistics...they make no sense. I seek the relationship first. Then, if everything lines up, then sex might happen. I can't wrap my head around the idea of exposing myself, of letting myself be so vulnerable (literally, emotionally, and spiritually) without having an absolute trust in the person I'm with. I trust readily, yes, but not at a first glance. It takes conversation. It takes a lot of deep probing of someone. It takes key moments.

Key moments like walking up to a girl you've spent the last week talking with for as much as 8 hours at a time and catching her off guard as she gets out of her car and kissing her. Moments that catch a girl off guard, leaving her vulnerable and open. Moments like that when I, too, and completely open and vulnerable and I feel her, who she really is, as she returns the kiss and wraps her arms around me as I wrap my arms around her. That's where the absolute trust comes from. It takes risk. I was tired of waiting. I was tired of chickening out of expressing what I wanted. I played against type. I made a bold move. At least at the time, fortune actually favored my boldness. It remains one of the greatest days and weekends I have ever lived.

Ok. I'm done ranting for now. You're all caught up on my schedule and emo-ness. Yay. It's 11PM. I have to be up at 6AM for a cold, rainy, middle-schooler-filled Student Day.

but it's just the price i pay, destiny is calling me

Day 30. End of the First Month.

Well, here it is. One month of exercising at least five days a week has come to a close. I've gone from 270 to 256. A loss of 14 lbs. Not too shabby, especially considering I haven't altered my diet all that much. But I am, at the very least, conscious of what I'm eating. I might not always make the healthiest decision, but it's not one I make off the cuff. Usually it's just a matter of what is on hand, especially on Mondays and Wednesdays, since these are my crazy busiest days. From now on I'll be checking my progress weekly on Mondays and posting here. I don't think I'll be posting my daily eating habits, either. I did it mostly to make me aware of how good or bad I was eating. I'll still try to post daily, though. Either progress on the running program or with weightlifting or something like that.

So today was the second of three days this week with the Couch to 5K program. The first week consists of running for 60 seconds, walking for 90 seconds. Cardiovascularly, I was much better off. I wasn't near as winded as I was Monday. But the real kicker is the shin splints. Ow. My left leg cramped up a bit, as is its wont. I think I might not have stretched enough, as I didn't have this problem Monday. Who knows? I'll just stretch better and see how it goes. But I take it as a good sign that my heart and lungs did better with this run.

Breakfast: Bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. Cheerwine.
Lunch: VitaminWater Power-C.
Dinner: Darrell's foot-long hot dog with chili, slaw, ketchup, mayonnaise, and mustard. Tater tots. Cheerwine.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Day 29. 256lbs.

"Light" day today, hour on the recumbent. But I'm ramping the speed up more.

Weigh in: 256lbs! Rock!

Breakfast: Huge salad, two pieces of pizza. Milk.
Lunch: Big salad. Water.
Dinner: 2oz. of steak, one slice pizza, chicken salad sandwich, pasta salad. Sweet tea.

pour toi, ma coeur

Day 28. Ow.

So I started Couch-to-5K today. Ow. You think your cardiovascular fitness is improving, running as long as you have on the exercise bike. But you'd be wrong. Dead, dead wrong. I am, at least, not as dead as I would have been if I had not been working out the last four weeks. Got some minor shin splints, but that's ok. It's not terrible, but jeebus that wasn't easy.

Breakfast: Vending machine mini-donuts (actually healthier and cheaper than the canteen). Vitamin Water.
Lunch: Slice of thin-crust cheese pizza. Diet Sweet Green Tea.
Dinner: Slice of thin-crust cheese and cheeseburger pizza, one each. Water.

work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger