Sunday, February 06, 2005


So is it better to keep something to yourself, turning negativity inward, and thus stopping the spread, or let it out, even though you put something great at risk? I don't want to be mad, but I think I am. Annoyed, frustrated, certainly. I don't like feeling this way. Brings up bad comparisons to previous unpleasantries. Which causes me to ask myself, am I really upset, or is it just an association with a large body of bad memories. Is it really how I feel or am I recalling how I felt in the past? This feeling of unimportance is still lingered, this feeling of being unwanted, or taken for granted. And the sad part is, it feels familiar. I don't believe that I'm not wanted. But the feeling surfaces nonetheless. And it is frustrating and not right to feel as though you're not very high on someone's priority list, a someone who should have me pretty high up on the list. But this could stem from the trend this past week for Holly to either having a great time or being with me, and not both at the same time. Or maybe I'm just melancholy. Sunday trend, it seems. Watch, tomorrow it won't matter, I'll feel better. Is this how it's going to be, or is it going to get better? And why is it that the only future I can't get a read on is my own?

EDIT: Like an idiot, I seem to have answered my own dilemma in, perhaps, not the most delicate way possible. Unlike a normal journal one would keep, other people read this. Regularly. But, I have commited to saying the things I have said already, and I am not one who easily turns back on his decisions. Which, perhaps I should stress. Especially to Holly, specifically, just now in this blurb. I have made my decision to accept you and your love when others thought perhaps I shouldn't, or not as soon or as readily as I did. Others thought maybe I should make you earn back my trust, but I made my decision to trust you already. A lot I have done in my life many advised against doing. But I don't regret my decisions. I could have remained hurt about what happened. I could have reacted in a completely different way when you came to me, walls stripped down, laid bare and afraid before me. Afraid but willing to take a chance. For me. And that's why we're together right now. So this is really two blogs, isn't it? So I was a little mad. But thanks to Bill Engvall being a funny guy, laughter has improved my mood.

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