I will not fear.

Ah, Sarah Machlachlan. Songs from an era of a very more everyday kind of angst. Normal. You didn't have to be whiny and dressed in black to be unsure.

"So afraid to love you,
more afraid to lose.
Clinging to a past
that doesn't let me choose.
Where once there was a darkness,
a deep and endless night,
you gave me everything you had
oh, you gave me life."

See that? That song. No death metal. So whiny intonations. No forced imitations of Eddie Vedder. Just honest singing and poetic lyrics. But now, now on to Franz Ferdinand.

"Eyes burning a way to me.
Eyes destroying so sweetly.
Now there is a fire in me.
A fire that buuuuurrrrrrrns.

This fire is outta control
I'm gonna burn this city, burn this city
This fire is outta control
I'm gonna burn this city, burn this city
This fire is outta control
This fire is outta control
This fire is outta control, and I burn.

Eyes boring a way through me
Paralyzed
Controlling completely
Now, there is a fire in me
A fire that buuuuuuurrrrns

This fire is outta control
I'm gonna burn this city, burn this city
This fire is outta control
I'm gonna burn this city, burn this city
This fire is outta control
And I am outta control
And I burn, how I burn for you
Burn, oh how I burn for you
Burn, how I burn, how I burn, oh how I...

This fire is outta control
I'm gonna burn this city, burn this city
This fire is outta control
I'm gonna burn this city, burn this city
This fire is outta control
I'm gonna burn this city, burn this city
This fire is outta control
I'll burn it, burn it, burn down"

Winamp on random, I apologize. But oh how I burn for you, Holly. Love, fire, passion. Hooah. Nothing like the love a woman to turn a man's life around. All this started when I had a moment when some old bad memories resurfaced. Holly needed some alone time, having to be around people all the time all week. Which, while I whined a bit, I understood. Very cat-like, my love. But it brought up old bad memories, memories of being ignored and unwanted, even when right next to the person that, supposedly, loved me. Not that there isn't an entire history of me being tossed aside when no longer useful or when someone else will do what I can't or won't or don't know to do. It's very strange, having to be reassured that she's not "her." When she asked me whether or not I trusted her love, it causes me to turn and face the doubts. Why was I having them? What grounds did I have? I did tell her I loved her first, and some time before she told me. But she told me on her own. I hadn't mentioned it, hadn't prompted it. She came to me, afraid but honest, to tell me. What right do I have to doubt? What, in all the years of my past gives me that right? How dare I allow such corruptions to enter my mind? Why can't I pry myself away from the past? What exists there for me to hold so dear, to cling to so afraid? Aren't I supposed to be the strong one? How can I be strong for her if I can't let go of events from so long ago? How did I let the pain and hurt become such an influence, so commonplace in the very fibre of my being?

Or is this all just the effects of a lifelong disorder, the curse of my blood? I think it's passed now, now being 3:15AM. But it's no less frustrating to go through. *sigh* This is all going to get easier someday soon, right?

I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.