Wednesday, January 05, 2005

This way, it's poetry.

Why is it, that the girls I find, the girls all around me...the girls I fall in love with...none of them want to be with a guy like me. It seems I greatly underestimated exactly why everyone was so mad at Holly this past weekend. And now I know why. And it hurts. Finally meet someone, someone new even. On the surface it all clicks, AND she's beautiful. But it's always the same song. Some song, new girl. New girl, new verse. Repeat chorus. Ne fides. Ne fides ad infinitum. At least, no faithfulness for me, anyway. Nope. Not for the one person you could bet your life savings on to always be faithful. Not the person who was willing to be patient and understanding. Not the person loved so readily, so easily, so freely. It is not I who finds the faithful girl who is willing to trust my guidance. No. Not for Justin. Not this time. Not ever before.

I'm just tired of it. Tired of how long I spent under Anglee's spell. Tired of how long it took getting over that. Alone. Tired of being alone. I was so close. So very close. Am I surprised? I wish I was. I wish I felt worse about it that I do. And that's the saddest part of it all. I'm not even really mad at her. I'm mad at Fate. Fate who constantly torments me. Mad at Destiny for letting me down. I prayed for this. Prayed that it was finally time for me to find someone else, someone to love. Someone to love me. And yet I was denied love once again.

I saw this end. I did. Not as brilliantly and flagrantly did it present itself in my mind as it did before I dated Anglee. But I knew this was the ending that would happen. I didn't expect it this soon. But I did it anyway. Like I do so often in the realm of romance. I knew it would end poorly. But I wanted to love again. I wanted romance and caresses, stirrings and soft words again. I wanted them with her. But it's not going to happen. Not unless something exceedingly drastic happens on her end. And it might. I don't expect it. She could change. Be a responsible person.

And, just for the record, Holly, you can be responsible without having to "grow up." I didn't ever ask you to grow up. I didn't ask for maturity. All I asked for was trust. For you to trust me and for me to be able to trust you. I am mad. I am hurt. But what I said last night, you know, that part were I said I love you? Yeah. The reason it all hurts as it does it because of that. I don't think I can be your friend for a while. Not till this scabs over. Luckily, you haven't had a whole lot of time or inclination to dig too deep, so the wounds should heal soon.

And the saddest part of this whole ordeal is that I'm not going to walk away from this with any kind of life lesson or adjustment in my approach. I'm going to love the way I always have, and that's not going to change. So whoever is next, here's my warning. I don't love half-assed. It's big. It's intense. But it's safe, it's loyal, it's protective and supportive. Most of the time it's poetical, sometimes it's goofy.

So fucking tired of the whole God damn mess.

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