It occured to me in the shower this morning that someone might look at me and think me unaffected by this weekend. That someone could look at my lack of breakdown and think "Did he really love her? If he loved her as much as he says he did, why is he as calm as he is?" I can hear Michelle asking something like that. But there are reasons for my state of being.
For starters, and most importantly, my Faith carries me. Faith, Hope, and Love and all that. I have Faith that I was where I was supposed to be. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Tied into that, I have been blessed with a big heart. A strong heart. It was built to love, and to handle all the slings and arrows and wounds that come with it.
Third, I'm still being strong for her. If I broke down and wept for my pain, she would feel worse. It will ease her worries if she knows I'm ok. Unlike many times in the past, there was no ill will, just sadness. And as awful as sadness is, it's a blessing compared to bitterness and hurt and regret.
Fourth, as is the way of things in my most recent years, I saw this coming. I saw the glaring potential for a bad end, but I went in anyway. To love in the face of darkness is a far better thing than avoiding love because you might get hurt. And for the past week or two the phrase "This isn't going to work, is it?" has been in my head. So I saw this coming. I refused it, denied it, worked against it from the beginning. Because as Yes said, "Love will find a way."
So, basically, it comes to this. I am making it through this because I am strong. I have always been strong. I will continue to be strong.
I blessed her before I left. Prayed over her and for her right then and there. It was important she have soemthing to remember how much I love her. So if you see me, know that just because I am strong, does not mean I do not hurt. But I am strong. And the time I spent with her is part of the reason for that strength.