Friday, March 11, 2005

Snippets 7 and 8

More snippets of the Chronicles of Jed. I warn you, though. Snippet 7 is not intended for anyone under the age of legal. If you read it and are offended, it's not my fault, I warned you.

Snippet 7(TV-MA)
Snippet 8

Mmm. Insomnia sucks. At least I don't have to be in at work until 2PM. I think. I dunno. Rah. Tired. Sleep now. I hope someone enjoys this story so far.

love and darkness and my sidearm

1 comment:

thatweirdgirl said...

I'm still going over your are my initial thoughts.

I notice a problem with verb tense. We all do it. It's hard to remember to always speak in the present or past or whatever your story is using. You seem to be using present most of the time. Watch for that. One sentence will have him sliding and the next he slid. He can't do both. I always catch myself doing that.

Chapter seven was interesting. I'm not sure what the point was. Were you going for lemons or were you trying to create a bond? Either way, you seem a little shy with the whole thing. I suggest reading some erotica. Make it more personal, not necessarily more explicit.

Overall, I think you're doing well. When you get closer to the end, find a good editor, someone that reads well and catches things. Someone that understand the flow of the story and can help you straighten out any kinks. I look forward to reading more.

Oh, I'm not sure of it's intentional or not, but you used a lot of fragments and Yoda grammar.